Lessons Learned: Reflect Before Moving Forward

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Today’s blog is all about reflection. In our last MBT Blog, Conversation Time: The Beginning, our heroes Norah and David began talking to their dad about some troubling events from their childhood. After the conversation and agreeing they would meet weekly to continue to talk, each went off to discuss the event further with others in their lives.

Conversational Intelligence^® teaches us that conversations are more than just the words spoken among people. While one person is speaking words very carefully chosen to communicate, the person listening layers those words with their own experiences. Put more plainly, people do not always hear what you are saying. Their brain, emotions, and past experiences jump into action to interpret the meaning. If you have ever been a speaker, you know it often takes multiple tries to convey a message to the audience. That is why presenters are taught to tell you what they are going to say, say it, and then tell you what they said.

Words carry baggage; they are rarely neutral. Words carry a history of years of use. Each time another experience overlays another meaning, and it all gets collected somewhere in our brain – ‘the vault’ – it’s there, ready to be activated during a conversation.

Judith e. glaser, The CreatingWE^® Institute

Tony, David, and Norah each came away from their conversation with a different interpretation of what was said. For Tony, today’s blog could be called Mystifying Bewildering Turmoil. David felt unsuccessful and angry after the conversation. He might suggest Mediocre Bogus Talk. And Norah who initially felt triumphant is less satisfied now upon reflection. She could call the MBT Blog Maybe Beyond Trying.

Let’s drop in on Tony and Sam.
Sam and Tony met during their college years. They worked together directly after college, live in the same city, and meet for coffee or a drink once or twice every month. Sam is up to speed on the situation and the conversation with Norah and David, because Tony called him the minute the kids left the house. Tony was having a panic attack at the time and Sam helped him through it. On this occasion, Tony wastes no time with small talk. He dives straight into his reaction to the conversation with his kids.

“It was like an attack! The tried to hide their true feelings under some concern for me, but it was obvious to me from the start they wanted to massacre me! You know, Sam. I barely remember what happened during that time after Judith died. I was in a cloud of grief. And now, we have to live it all over again? Why put everybody through that pain again? You know? Who needs that!” Tony’s speech was rambling and Sam waited for him to pause before commenting.

“What did the kids say?” he asked.

“What do you mean what did they say? I told you that on the phone,” Tony replied with clear bewilderment in his voice.

“What did they say about why they wanted to talk about it? I don’t think they want to massacre you, Tony. What was their reason for taking the time to talk to you?” Sam said this patiently. He was there for Tony when Judith died and remembers the complete despair. Tony could barely take care of himself. Those around him pitched in to help. Even his ex-wife, Sarah, David’s mom, helped out.

“Well, David said Norah is having trouble at work because of unresolved feelings from back then. Norah got very angry and raised her voice. She has never done that before. It was a mess! Then they both said something nice, though. The thing I remember most, other than feeling like I had been attacked, was that they want to see more of me. Be a real family, they said. That was good, but I don’t know if I have time for that,” Tony’s voice trailed off as if he was thinking about something.

“Not have time? You’re retired, you fool! I wish my kids wanted to spend more time with me. They all moved away. I see them twice a year!”

“Right. I am very busy, though.” When Tony went silent, Sam wondered what this was really about.

“What’s going on with you. Come on, out with it. What are you avoiding?” Sam prompted.

“Norah says she wants me to learn more about her culture. She said I ignored it when people stared at us – Judith, her and me – when she was a kid. She thinks I am uncomfortable in public with her because she looks black,” Tony stood up from the kitchen table (did I note they were drinking coffee at the table?) and looked out the window.

“And, there it is. I’m sure you remember that Judith told you something similar. You loved her and married her, but you ignored the reactions directed at you from strangers,” he said.

“Strangers? My own family turned their backs on us! I admit it! It makes me uncomfortable! I want to punch someone in the face, so I just ignore it.” Tony paced the floor now incensed as he remembered. “What am I supposed to do with all of this anger? Let the kids see it? I don’t want to be a raving maniac in front of them now any more than I did back then. My mind is full of shoulda, coulda, woulda as it is. I try not to think about it, because If I have to think about it, I might explode!”

Sam sighed. “You need to keep talking, Tony. Get this all out here with me. Then you can be in the right place to tell the kids. Let them know you were angry. Come on. Keep talking.” Tony and Sam spent the day together talking, walking, and eating until Tony felt ready for the next conversation with the kids in a few days.

David & Who?
The more David thought about the conversation with his dad, the more he felt Tony’s response was a complete sham. Any emotion Tony showed, David saw as acting and false. He believed now, more than ever, that his dad was a jerk who only cared about himself.

Who could David talk to about his feelings? When it came to personal problems, he talked to Norah. He felt weird about talking to his mentor at work, Edgar. He thought it would be unprofessional. When it came to his friends, he seldom talked about real life. They shared information about sports and their jobs, sure. He thought about each friend trying to determine who would be most likely to listen and offer advice. During this exercise, he realized his friends talked to him about their wives, parents, and struggles. He was the one who kept himself hidden. Why?

David remembered encouraging Norah to write things down to help her recognize her achievements. He grabbed a legal pad from his desk at work, walked down to the lake which was near his office, sat on a rock, and started writing. Hopefully, this would bring him some answers.

Norah & Aunt Gladys
“Aunt Gladys, did my dad ask you to take me in after my mother died? I never understood how all that happened. All of a sudden, you were picking me up and someone had packed my suitcase. You were the person who told me my mom had died. I am so confused by all of it,” Norah said. She was seated in her Aunt Gladys’ kitchen. The best feature of the simple, small room was the large window looking out on the back yard. Aunt Gladys had placed a bird feeder there with suction cups so she could watch them up close while she drank her coffee.

Norah’s aunt was the epitome of kindness and yet forged from iron. Her strength pushed Norah back into life after the death of her mother. She pulled Norah out of bed every morning and forced her to dress for school. “Make me and your mama proud, baby,” she said each day as she dropped the grief-stricken girl off in the morning. After school, as soon as she slid into the car, Aunt Gladys asked Norah, “Now what did you do today to make us proud?” The pressure to perform was there, but Norah rose to the occasion. It took her out of herself and into the competition, whatever it might be.

Today, Norah munched on a chocolate chip cookie while sitting at the table drinking strong, black coffee. Aunt Gladys never had cream in the house. “If I am going to drink coffee, I am going to drink coffee,” she said often. Norah needed more information to understand her next steps in her relationship with her dad.

“I offered, Norah. Tony was in terrible shape. He never believed Judith would die. He skipped around full of brightness while she was ill. He was all optimism. Judith tried to talk to him about the future, the future without her. But he would not let her. So, when Norah’s friend Sherri and I visited her, we created the plan. Sherri reached out to David’s mom, and I created a home here for you. Your father’s friend, Sam, was the one talking to your father and moving him toward living again,” She wiped a tear as she said this. “You want more coffee?”

“No, Aunt Gladys, I’m fine,” Norah said and then shared with Aunt Gladys the details of the conversation with Tony.

“That took some strength, girl,” Aunt Gladys squeezed Norah’s hand across the table. “Now, what specifically do you want your dad to do? I mean, how does he learn your culture? What are the steps?”

“What do you mean? Do I have to figure that out for him?” Norah was taken aback. Why was this situation still her problem. “Is it my job to educate my own father on what it means to be black and biracial in America? All he needs to do is turn on the news!”

“Yes, I agree. And, this is your father we are talking about. He is the kind of person who needs to know the rules so he can follow them. Throw him a bone, girl. Bring him a book or a list or whatever to show him how to start this process. You do not have to teach everyone, but you may obtain your goal if you take the time to show Tony the way.” Aunt Gladys hugged Norah and then, together, they worked on their list.

How about you? Have you ever talked with someone, believed your message was entirely clear, and then found the reception of it went haywire? What did you do? Tune in next time to learn more about moving difficult conversations into action.