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Rediscover Yourself: Finding Your Purpose during Career Seasons

©The MBT Blog – Mindfulness in Business Coaching | Journaling & Growth | MBT More Business Today

Clients often tell me they feel they lose themselves in their work. After ten years or so, they realize they no longer enjoy things they used to enjoy. They take in their accomplishments, their successes, the talented team they lead – and they feel empty. They ask, “Who am I now?” How do you find yourself again after years of longstanding commitments to a job or even your family?

You can find yourself again. All it takes is to pause and reflect. Act! This is your life. Take it back. And you are not alone. Many of my clients reach out to me for this very reason.

When I talk about pause, one pushback I hear from clients is, “But if I slow down, how will I ever get back up to speed?” The truth is you may not get back up to speed. The speed at which you were functioning may not be the best thing for you now. Things will look different once you spend time reflecting and making your life into the life you want. Here is an example:

My client, I will call her Josie, experienced a life-changing event. Her mother contracted dementia. During the five years in which she was the primary caregiver for her mom, she struggled to maintain momentum at work, at home, and in her social life. She had the energy to mindlessly race from one thing to the next. She worked long hours at work, often waking up at 3:00 AM, only to spend more time cleaning up her work-mail.

On the weekends, Josie visited her mother in an assisted living facility. She also drove her kids to volleyball, softball and play practice. She became power of attorney for her mother’s financial and health issues. She met with friends in the morning over coffee, for lunch, but seldom for dinner because at night she was too busy spending time with her family. As an only child, she made all the decisions for her mother alone. She sat on Alzheimer web sites, joined those communities, and learned from others.

Josie continued to cook and clean and work and socialize. She functioned at 150%. She was a good daughter, caregiver, employee, mother, wife, and friend.

Until her mother died. Suddenly, everything changed. She had no energy. Doing the smallest things – working for eight hours, driving her children to school – became a huge effort. When she came to me, she thought coaching might help her relearn how to allocate her time. We began by exploring her self-awareness, and we used journaling as a helpful tool.

In the end she found that she needed more time for herself than she had in the past. She also found that she needed to recover from those five years of intense work – physically, emotionally, and mentally.

What was the solution for Josie? She worked with me to formulate a new look and process for her life. It was her process for living fully.

Here is what Josie’s new life process looks like:

  • Each year, Josie takes two weeks of vacation. She uses that time to slow down and recover from the year. This practice is now the centerpiece of her new life.
  • She keeps a journal. She writes in a beautiful, carefully chosen journal twice every week. Whether it is ten minutes or 30 minutes, this time for reflection proves to be transformational for Josie. Through journaling, she identifies what is bothering her that week, what she needs to feel better both physically and mentally, and what action she needs to take next.
  • Action is a crucial part of Josie’s plan for living. The act of reflecting is not enough to create the change she – or anyone – needs. For Josie as a high-achieving individual, action is vitally important to feeling good.
  • Finally, Josie continued her coaching engagement with me for three years. In her case, it was important to talk with a professional coach to keep her moving forward. Over time, she felt ready to go it alone relying on herself and the concepts and tools she learned.

This story is about just one client. What about you? What results would you experience? After working with more than 100 clients over several years, I have found the result is different for each one. Sure, there are elements among people that are similar. However, ultimately, each person needs to uncover their own needs. Such is the beauty of being human. We are each an original, a one-of-a-kind person creating our own path.

To learn more about how you can find yourself again, join one our classes, read about our services or schedule a consultation with me.

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Deciding to Persevere or Pivot: Finding Your Path

©The MBT Blog – Mindfulness in Business Coaching | Journaling & Growth | MBT More Mindful Business Today

“I didn’t come this far to only come this far,” proclaims a rectangular light blue and white sign my husband hung in the kitchen. It has been catching my eye lately.

My husband enjoys picking up items at thrift shops. Browsing helps him relax. The hit to our budget is minimal. And he uses the items to make little “scenes” around his massage room – he is a massage therapist. Part of the ambience of the experience he offers comes to life through the decor – whether a client notices a Captain America figure holding hands with a stuffed bear or a variety of alphabet letters made out of owls, for instance. His clients tune into the creation that speaks to them in the moment.

Getting back to the sign, we all feel defeated and worn out sometimes. A goal may seem unattainable. Success may feel out of reach. We think about giving up. But we also think of all those encouraging phrases, “it’s always darkest before the dawn,” or “believe in yourself.” Should we tough it out?

Likewise, there are plenty of phrases advocating moving on from something. “The writing is on the wall,” or “if it’s not working, change your strategy,” are just two.

How do we know when to keep going and when to change course?

How do you approach the decision? Is it time to hang up the towel or is the perfect moment, your success, right around the corner? Should you persevere or look for something new?

I suggest you look to your “inner sanctum” for advice. What does that mean? Your inner sanctum is the people you go to most often because the relationship and trust is high. If you are like most people, each of those individuals bring different kinds of perspectives to you. As you think about the decision you are making, determine which person is the best to share in your current dilemma.

An illustrated diagram showing a central figure labeled 'You' surrounded by five supportive roles: 'Mom', 'Cheerleader', 'Strategist', 'Realist', and 'Mentor', each represented by distinct characters and colorful circles.
  • The Mom: This could be your actual mom or someone who understands your gifts and reminds you where your talents lie.
  • The Cheerleader: Rah! Rah! You got this! This member of your circle is not concerned about anything except making sure you know that you can accomplish everything!
  • The Realist: Everyone needs a logical person in their circle who will tell you the truth. They will evaluate the impact of your continuing on the course you chose and will draw a picture for you illuminating the facts and figures.
  • The Strategist: This person brings you the gifts of brainstorming, problem-solving, and developing multiples approaches to your situation. Maybe your strategy is the thing that needs to change, not your goal.
  • The Mentor: Who understands exactly the challenge you face? A person who has walked in your shoes. If you do not have a mentor, find one.

Finally, do NOT forget YOU! Ultimately, it is your decision. What does your gut tell you? And remember, it is just as valid to leave one goal behind as it is to keep moving forward. Take the thoughts and advice from your inner sanctum. Then sit back down with yourself, and make your decision. And if you need a coach to help you, feel free to reach out to me, The Mindful Business Coach.

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Overcoming Business Fatigue: 5 Essential Steps

©The MBT Blog – Mindfulness in Business Coaching | Journaling & Growth | MBT More Business Today

Do you find yourself doodling during business meetings lately? Or taking a call via Zoom with the camera off? Do you feel that the things you used to do, the skills you rely on to be productive and successful, no longer work? You are not alone. My clients exhibit these traits of fatigue in growing numbers this year. They look for ways to unstick themselves from the rut they believe dominates them.

The truth is simple: things change constantly. As Pema Chodron, the American Bhuddist nun who wrote “When Things Fall Apart,” said, “Things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together and fall apart again.”

A simple truth: Things constantly change.

As soon as you feel comfortable with your strategy, your team, and yourself, a change creates an effect that makes you scramble. Now what? New learning, new methods, new approaches: all the things you balanced so beautifully last week suddenly tip and topple as if toward disaster.

When you embrace the fact that everything will change, do you feel better? It can leave you with defeat, excitement, or numbness. Maybe all of those emotions show up along with a few more. Go ahead and feel all of those things. And realize the realization itself, that everything will change, gives you a chance to prepare.

How can you prepare for unexpected things? Remember, the only variable you can control is yourself and your reaction to something. Self-awareness and self-management offer you the core of knowledge you need to prepare yourself.

“Things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together and fall apart again.”
Pema Chodron, author of “When Things Fall Apart.”

Consider my client “Jane.” Jane came to me in a panic over her lack of engagement in her job. As a top performer and director, she excelled. She experienced large bonuses, promotions, and accolades. The projects Jane led scored huge results for her company. Now, after several changes in the C-suite, she felt her usually boundless energy wane.

Jane knew she needed help and had experienced great growth from working with me in the past. She came to me looking for answers. “I went back to the discoveries we made before. But nothing seems to work now,” she said. How could she pull herself out of this situation and resume her Super Star status at work? What was missing from her process?

Another simple truth:
During times of change, you must also change.

New management brought new management styles. Jane needed to look inward again and ask herself new questions. How does her current communication and leadership style relate to those of her new executive team? How does a big change in management impact the culture of the organization? And, while the changes begin to affect her, how does the dynamic with her team change? Most importantly, what does she need to do to adapt to the forces swirling around her?

So many questions. The volume of the questions alone provoke exhaustion in some. This is just a new challenge to explore. The method of exploration remains the same. It arrives with a welcome familiarity. The answers begin with self-awareness and continue to move forward.

“You’re right,” Jane said. “I have done this before. The situation is new, but I know how to learn, adapt, and grow.” This revelation brought back some of the old energy, the old Jane. She was still there, ready to activate. The fog began to dissipate.

So, what do you do when you feel stuck? When all the things you know should be effective no longer achieve the desired results? When you cannot seem to find your motivation and energy?

Here are five steps to wiggle yourself out of the brain fog and back to self-awareness.

Step 1: Take a breath. Pause.
Before you delve into the questions, pause and breathe. Pause for as long as you feel you need the space. Look for the quiet both in your mind and your environment. This step highlights your self-awareness. Tune in to yourself. What might be triggering you to feel nauseous or lethargic?

Step 2: Take inventory.
Pull out a pad of paper or a pretty journal. What does your body have to say? Where are you feeling the impact? Are you having a hard time sleeping? What hurts? Your throat, shoulders, stomach? Thinking about the past when your body felt stress, where did you notice it? Is it the same this time? Write down everything that comes to mind. How are you reacting at work? What are you communicating with your words, your body language, and your reactions?

Step 3: Reflect and Learn.
How have you approached troubled times in the past? Can you use those methods now? What is different now? What do you need to learn? If it is a new skill, do some research. Spend some time observing. Seek the knowledge that evades you.

Step 4: Pause again.
The second pause creates an opportunity to evaluate what you learned a second time. Taking the time to listen to your gut, check with your values, and look for alignment strengthens your core, the center of who you are as a person and a leader.

Step 5: Identify your plan.
Trust in yourself and honor your process. One plan may be to wait and see. What are you waiting for? A new path or remnants of an old one will bring revelation when the time is right. Many of the answers to your questions will come to you in time. Continue to observe and look for the right time. Once you are feeling like yourself and in control of your reactions, you will notice the best path forward for you. Your self-management skills will return. You will open yourself to reality and to opportunity.

That is how you prepare. Find yourself again. Delve into these five steps as many times as you need to – and evolve. Reach out for help when you need it. Join one of our guided journaling classes or schedule a consultation with me.

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Reallocating Time Saved by AI: The Art of Conversation

©The MBT Blog published by MBT Mindful Business Today

I recently attended a conference where the CEO of a cybersecurity company posed the question, “How will you reallocate the time you save by using AI?” It reminded me of discussions during a similar moment in time, when smart phones held the promise of freeing up mankind by managing our calendars, letting us work from anywhere, and supplying us with answers to any question we might think of asking. Instead of finding the benefits of more free time, we became permanently attached to our phones.

Now it seems another opportunity presents the lure of free time. We can feed information into AI and quickly receive research, or customized images to use in our advertising, or drafts of reports to use in our businesses. Freedom to live more fully is possible. How will you reallocate the time being given back to you?

For me, the answer is, “Talk to someone!” Sounds basic, but conversation is an art and one which is often forgotten. In fact, sometimes clients forgot whether they actually talked to a person. Was it a text exchange? Maybe it was a post or a video on social media. Has it happened to you? This conversational confusion has happened to me.

Does it matter? I believe it does. There is a difference between reading text – an e-mail, a text message, a post – or even listening to a video, and having a conversation. While all of these options are worthwhile and have a purpose, conversing with a real person is a completely different experience.

While AI can learn voice and tone, it cannot replace the physical, emotional, and spiritual benefits of a conversation with another person. While energy can be projected through words and pictures, reactions to the information are not communicated back. When in a conversation, body language and energy interact with words creating a full human experience.

Therefore, I am taking a stand in favor of spending some of our new free time talking to people.

Here are a few examples of people with whom to converse:

  • Everyday People: Spend a minute or two asking your neighbors what is happening in their lives.
  • Colleagues: Invite your co-workers for coffee or lunch.
  • Clients: Meet with clients and talk about their business, their goals, their needs.
  • Prospects:  Sometimes you spend so much time working, the funnel for new work runs dry. Network in meaningful ways. Meet new people. Then follow up with deeper conversations.
  • Your Team: Invest in relationships with your team. Do something fun together. Ask open-ended questions during your one-on-one meetings. Learn about them as people and professionals.
  • Yourself: What do you need? What helps you thrive? Ask yourself and then do some of that. If you are not sure, join our Journal in June class.

Each day, remember to listen, ask questions, and share information about yourself.

What about you? How will you reallocate your extra free time? Let’s not make another mistake and become permanently attached to Artificial Intelligence.

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Self and Social Awareness: Vital Pieces of the Business Puzzle

©The MBT Blog published by MBT Mindful Business Today

During a recent meeting, the declared leader of the group made a nonchalant comment about a team member. It had to do with appearance involving that person’s style of dress. It started with the phrase, “Of course” meaning as usual this person tends to look a certain way. In this instance, the tone used made the comment seem like a dig at the individual. I gathered this from the reaction of the others on the video call as well – silence as they turned away from the camera. Absolute, uncomfortable silence.

I see and hear about this behavior daily when working with clients. Is the leader a meany? Probably not. Is the leader insensitive? Maybe. Most likely, the individual is either not self-aware or not socially aware or a little bit of both.

Examine yourself, your thoughts, and your behaviors before pointing fingers at others. After all, the only thing you can control in this world is yourself.

MARY BALISTRERI, The Mindful Business Coach

All self-improvement begins with self-awareness. How aware is the individual of their emotions? How aware is the person who is trying to improve of the kinds of things which trigger their behaviors? During a consultation, I ask clients, “What needs to happen for you to obtain your goals?” If their answer is, “Everyone else needs to change their behavior and give me what I need to achieve,” I know they are not ready for coaching. The time may come when they decide to work on themselves. It just is not right now.

Likewise, some leaders are very self-aware. They understand their triggers, “I totally go off when people do not communicate their progress on a project,” is one example I have heard. They know how to watch out for themselves. However, they are not able to “read the room.” They do not notice others withdrawing when they make certain statements. They wonder why the team will not share their ideas with the group during a meeting. They are not socially aware. During a consultation, they might say, “My team is not motivated. They sit in silence when I ask for their thoughts.”

Examine yourself, your thoughts, and your behaviors first before pointing fingers at others. After all, the only thing you can control in this world is yourself.

How can you fix something if you are unaware there is a problem? All of us have blind spots. In my case, I study conversational intelligence because I know I need to work on myself. I know I have blind spots. And I know somewhere down the line; I will say the wrong thing.

How can I fix something when I am unaware that I created a problem? Two answers come to mind:

  1. I must reflect on my own behavior consistently. For me, that means writing in my journal at least once a week. To learn how to develop a journaling habit, check out our classes. There is one forming in June.
  2. I must rely on those around me to give candid and kind feedback. I must ask for feedback. Yes, and, I must offer candid and kind feedback to others.

How about you? Do you spend time on self-improvement? Tell us what works for you.

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Mindful Communication in the Workplace

©The MBT Blog published by MBT Mindful Business Today

During 28 years of marriage, my husband and I learned how and when to talk to each other about little things and big things. It took time, deep understanding and honesty. We realized we can communicate anything to each other if we use that depth of knowledge to guide us. As a result, we seldom argue, but we feel free to disagree.

In the workplace, our comprehension of our colleagues and clients also grows over time. Smart business people seek information about everyone working together in a group. The result is greatest efficiency. The more they manage their team using strengths and likes of the individuals, the higher the productivity. Obviously, leading in this way also creates a positive environment.

So, why is conversation in the workplace still a problem? As a coach, I constantly hear, “It was not what they said as much as how they said it.” Or, “The feedback is valid, but why did they have to say it right then, in front of everyone?”

I believe the reason is lack of awareness. Lack of awareness that right now might not be the right time, possibly? Lack of awareness that certain words create a negative impact in the person sitting in front of you, maybe? And, lack of awareness that some discussions, like individual people, require greater thought.

Some leaders get tripped up on the advice to give feedback immediately, in the moment. They execute, as they learned, thinking they are being good leaders. I agree with the philosophy feedback should be timely and relate to a specific event. But, I implore people to add a pause before speaking.

Take a moment. Take a breath. Where are you right now? Is this the best time and place to make a comment? Ask yourself why you are making the comment? Examine your intent. Then, gather your knowledge of the person. How do they react? What impact have you made on them in the past?

My intent in writing this is to infuse mindfulness into everyday business interactions. Not every conversation is transactional. Not every conversation is urgent. Take a moment and breathe.

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Boost Your Conversation Skills: Key Signs to Watch For

©The MBT Blog published by MBT Mindful Business Today

Have you ever returned from a coffee with a prospect and felt really great? Maybe you even shared with a colleague, “This one is in the bag.” Then, some kind of reality set in because no additional connections were made. You reached out, but there were no responses. As you scratched your head, did you go back over the conversation in greater detail? If so, you may have noticed some key indicators that the other person did not respond in the way you believed they had.

You may have noticed I recently reposted this MaryQuote from a few years ago. The message is essential to the development and maintenance of all relationships. Who is the person sitting across from you? What do you know about their likes and dislikes? When you meet with them, do you ask questions?

Just like the young woman in the red shirt whose picture is at the top of this blog post, I have been speechless or simply not able to get a word in during some conversations. Conversely, I have also bulldozed through meetings leaving no space for the other person to speak. Basically, I am saying everyone needs this reminder.

What are the signs that a conversation is not going well?

  • The other person continually glances away or aside. This often shows you have made someone uncomfortable. It is a good time to re-engage your companion. Ask a question. Ask them for their thoughts on the topic you were discussing.
  • Your coffee partner leans forward a few times but does not say anything. This indicates you are talking to much. Remember to stop and pause frequently to leave space for them to respond.
  • You are asking questions and receiving only yes or no answers followed by silence. In this case, switch to open-ended questions. “What did you enjoy about the conference,” rather than, “Did you enjoy the conference.” This provides opportunity for the other person to express their views and join in the conversation.
  • A few glances at their watch and a hurried excuse to end the meeting prior to the agreed upon end time indicates things might not be going great. In this case, make certain your follow up is centered on their needs, not your own.

When you see these tips in writing, it may seem too obvious to bother reading. However, through my years of coaching, clients have shown me no reminder is frivolous. Check your behavior. Prepare for meetings in advance so you have questions to ask. And, listen, listen, listen.

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You Are Right Where You Are Meant to Be: At Work?

©The MBT Blog published by MBT Mindful Business Today

My clients speak often about their purpose, and understanding the reason they worked in a certain position at a particular organization. Sometimes it is about the work, but most often it is about the people. Clients see their value at work in terms of interactions they have with their team and colleagues. What does that tell us about success and leadership?

Has this happened to you? Sometimes clients describe the work climate as a war zone and talk about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) incurred as a result of the stress from a conflicted, dysfunctional job culture. They refer to colleagues as lifelines in these situations. “I saved my buddy a few times at that job, but we don’t talk about it. Now we are both in safe places.”

You can avoid, adapt to, and navigate a bad work culture and still be the leader you want to be.

A difficult, even traumatic, environment is not the legacy any leader wants to leave. However, when a person is in the midst of it, it is sometimes difficult to identify. After leaving extreme circumstances, clients understand their value more fully when they have the time and space for reflection. “Looking back, I realize I was there to help my team survive, and even thrive, during terrible circumstances,” they say.

What is my point? Should you cross your fingers and hope you do not land in a difficult environment? No. My point is this: You can avoid, adapt to, and navigate a bad work culture and still be the leader you want to be.

The question we deal with in coaching sessions, is “how?” The key is reflection. Creating a habit for reflection builds the strength, resilience, and safe environment a leader needs to give their best self to their team and colleagues.

Here are the steps to take:

  • First, know your values. What motivates you? What is important to you? What do you value?
  • Use that knowledge as a springboard to understand your raison d’etre – reason for being, your purpose in life and in work. What are your passionate about? What mark do you want to leave?
  • Evaluate often. If you create a habit of taking time to reflect on your situation, it is less likely to catch you by surprise. Many of my clients only discover the depth to which a work environment has affected their team and themselves after the symptoms show up physically. Lack of sleep, constant worry, health issues like high blood pressure and headaches, are just a few.
  • Act quickly. Once you recognize there is a detrimental atmosphere, create a strategy for how to move forward. This one is a bit complicated. Sometimes, not acting is the best solution. But if you experience great distress, burnout, or see your team experiencing the same, it is time to make a change.

To sum it up, spend time understanding yourself. Use that understanding to model positive, healthy behaviors for your team and colleagues. Be present in your environment to understand why you are exactly where you are meant to be.

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Network Better: Shift from Quantity to Quality Conversations

I noticed lately at networking events I spend more time with fewer individuals. This results in fewer contacts and, therefore, less follow up. But the depth of the conversations reveals more about the individuals, their business needs, and who they are as people. All of those things are better in the long run for me as a person and for my business. Is the change due to a difference in how I approach networking, the events I attend, or the individuals I meet?

Not long ago I attended a speed dating kind of networking event. You know the kind. A timer is set and you spend a max of ten minutes with someone until the bell rings and you switch to a new someone. This arrangement definitely helps people who struggle to get out of a conversation. The switch is mandatory. Problem solved.

Unless your conversation goes in the right direction that is. Then the quick turnover can be irritating and disruptive. I enjoy this kind of networking, but sometimes it leaves both participants hanging.

Did we remember where things ended so we can reach out and catch up? And what happens if the attendees have many great conversations? Is the follow up impacted?

I believe it makes follow up harder in the long run to meet many people in a short amount of time. I am a fan of the richer more leisurely conversations, of reaching back out to three people rather than ten, and of enjoying the networking.

So, what has changed? The question I posed above lingers.

Solution #1: I Changed My Approach. My focus on mindfulness definitely created an attitude change. Years of working on staying in the moment impacted the way I show up for networking. I am much more content to stay in a conversation than in the past. It is not a numbers game. It is a people game. Actually, it is not a game at all. It is life – work life and personal life.

Solution #2: The Events Changed. This is somewhat true. I still attend many of the gatherings I had in the past. However, I added some new ones. Upon reflection, I realized I now experience a like-minded concentration of business people focused on mindfulness. The atmosphere is more casual. The mood emanating from the group unfolds at a leisurely pace during these get-togethers. And, maybe most importantly, an agenda is not the center point.

Solution #3: People I Meet Changed. I believe this is absolutely true. It is not even just the kind of people that changed. I see changes in people generally. Maybe it is originating from the universe itself. Maybe this is a trend. In either case, I encounter a deeper interest in learning more about individuals at a social events than in the past. People exhibit real interest in each other’s lives than in the past.

Solution #4: A Bit of Everything. Maybe, like so much in life, the change is due to a little bit of everything. There are so many factors in a human encounter. They play off each other and mix around until something new emerges.

In any case, the change is good for business. Why not get to the second step of a prospective new client relationship during the first meeting? Such progress can only add to the depth of the relationship and the ease of moving it forward.

What is your experience? Let me know.

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Transforming Perspectives: Fun Ways to Shift Your Mindset

©The MBT Blog published by MBT Mindful Business Today

The other morning my adult niece told me, “There is protein in ice cream, you know. So, I ate some for breakfast. Protein for breakfast! Ice cream for breakfast!” Interesting perspective.

I remember the days when my son was young and occasionally we did silly things just for fun, like eating cake for breakfast. And, really, what are pancakes and syrup? The word “cake” is even in the name!

It made me think of changing perspectives. How we change them. Why we change them. And, why is a change in perspective important.

You know how it feels when you make a big decision or finish a big task? Sometimes, an invisible weight lifts, and you feel like you might skip for joy or fly with exhilaration. Wouldn’t it be great to find that relief in times when the decision or task is still looming? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you knew some ways that helped you adjust your perspective? If you knew a method you could use to help you move forward decisively, with confidence?

One way to activate the energy to accomplish something is to change something. Recently, I moved a couch in my living room to a different wall. When I sat down at the end of the day, I was greatly surprised at how different everything in the room looked. I even felt different. My perspective changed. I felt a deeper appreciation for a piece of art hung in the room. I also swiftly removed one piece realizing it did not match the rest of the decor.

What are some ways to adjust your perspective on demand?

  • Put on some music you love and dance. Privately where no one can see you, if you are shy about it.
  • Sing to music you love, maybe even as loud as you can.
  • Watch a movie with subtitles about people in far away places.
  • Meditate.
  • Try a new kind of food.
  • Talk to a friend and colleague. Listen to their experiences.
  • Write stuff down in a journal. Notice any trends or patterns?

As I wrote last time in Prep To Make Your Life & Business Easier, give yourself a break. In fact, find intentional ways to give yourself ease and grace.

To delve more deeply into creating a strong mindset, enroll in one of our classes.

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Prep to Make Your Life & Business Easier

©The MBT Blog published by MBT Mindful Business Today

For Mardi Gras and Fat Tuesday this week, I wore my beads (and so did Snowy, one of my dogs) and celebrated. To accomplish the bead wearing first thing in the morning, I relied on an old hack I taught myself years ago – make things easy for yourself. That self-commitment showed up for me, and my very simple Mardi Gras prep made it easy for me to sparkle in purple, pink, green, and gold. How about you? Do you take a moment for yourself and find ways to make your life easier?

Here is one thing I do. I box things up at the end of each season, put them in the attic, and then retrieve them ahead of the next season. Hence, my Mardi Gras beads were boxed with the Valentine’s Day table runner and wreath. My bag of beads and special socks, the ones I bought in New Orleans last year, were handily tucked in a bright, glittery bag in the Valentine’s box. When decorating for Valentine’s Day, I placed the bag next to my dresser. On Tuesday morning, I grabbed the bag, retrieved the adornments, and was ready to snap a photo with my dog. Thank you, self, for being proactive!

The concept is simple. I bet many of you already do these things to make your life easier. Buy multiple corned beef briskets around St. Patrick’s Day and freeze them. Then you can enjoy a Reuben sandwich throughout the year whenever you have the craving. Leave notes in your calendar to remind you where you stashed the lawn mower batteries. Then, you have found and charged them in advance, so the moment “No Mow May” ends you are ready to trim. Create a list of all the things you need to do before hosting a gathering at your home for annual occasions. I also make notes on recipes to remember the changes I made to make the food extra delicious.

Yes! We can all be pretty good at getting ahead of ourselves to stay on track. But how do we translate that into our business life? Here are a few ideas:

  • When a conference you attend each year announces its dates for the following year, add it to your calendar immediately.
  • When a potential client indicates they are not yet ready for your services, put a note in your calendar (or CRM system, if you have one) to follow up in an appropriate amount of time.
  • I am very supportive of calendaring! Use your calendar to block out time to work on business strategies. This is especially useful when the need is many months in the future. It is too hard to create the entire strategy and plan in one week. Better to give yourself a head start.
  • Keep a “me” folder of the compliments and accomplishments you receive during the year. Then, you are ready to write your self-evaluation, lobby for a raise or promotion, or feel better after a day that did not go so well. You can take a moment to read through your folder.
  • If you have calendared time to work on developing business, add notes to the appointment to remind yourself how you can use that time.

How about you? How do you make your life easier?

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Cultivating a Hopeful Mindset: The Power of Self-Reflection

©The MBT Blog published by MBT Mindful Business Today

My niece and I recently watched the Michelle Obama documentary from 2020, “Becoming.” While watching, we both suddenly became silent and sad. Then, my niece said, “This is what we are missing now – hope.” Amidst the constant constantness of our world and continual stream of bad news, there is little talk of hope. Yet another reason to develop and maintain a strong mindset, a hopeful mindset.

As human beings, we look for the hope. At home each night, I cuddle with my dogs, cats, and husband – in that order. We seek out movies, television shows, and people who will bring us joy and make us laugh. At the same time, reality closes in around us.

Because you have the power to decide how to feel, how to react, how to show up in this world!

Let’s watch one of our favorite movies, “The Princess Bride” or “When Harry Met Sally.” Oh, that’s right, Rob Reiner and his wife were murdered. Okay. Let’s pick up some hamburger and have nachos for dinner. Oh, that’s right, at $6.99 per pound, we can’t afford hamburger. Veggie and black bean nachos sound good?

What do we do? What can we do? Look backward, forward, and sideways for the hope you seek. I am completely serious. Do not give up your quest for hope and happiness.

For me, the solution for finding hope and happiness is first to look inward. I build a strong, happy, and hopeful mindset first by writing down my thoughts. It is no secret I am offering journaling classes this month. I will continue to offer them throughout the year.

Why look inward? Why journaling? Why start with yourself? Because you have the power to decide how to feel, how to react, how to show up in this world! And the source of that power is a strong, hopeful, positive mindset.

Here is what journaling can do?

  • Trends emerge through journaling that illuminate how I respond to the world.
  • I discover both my negative reactions – those that are harmful to my mindset – and my positive reactions – those that help me achieve by noticing what I have written in my journal.
  • When I am down, my writings reveal happy times and past accomplishments. These memories replenish me.
  • The ritual of taking quiet time for myself to decompress is self-care.

Look inward for hope. Replenish yourself. Then share it with your community. And, if you need help doing that, join a journaling class or reach out to me at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com. I am here to support you in your journey to mindful leadership.

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Finding Simple Solutions in Complex Times

©The MBT Blog published by MBT Mindful Business Today LLC

I’m thinking about more than pens this morning. Sometimes simpler is better. I was playing Word with Friends. I had the chance to play a really cool word, but would earn only 12 points. I also had the ability to play a totally lame word, za, and get 65 points. Today I chose the simple solution and reaped the benefits.

Then I pondered my daily life and those of my clients. The issues and obstacles we face at home and at work sometimes pile up. The more of them we experience, the more complicated they seem. We look for new solutions, thinking and thinking until our thinker turns blue. If only there was a new way to solve this puzzle.

Of course, often the answer is right in front of us. Sometimes it is a combination of tried and true methods known to generate good results. Sometimes an obvious resolution lies directly in front of us waiting patiently to be uncovered.

Sometimes the most elegant solution is the most obvious and the most accessible.

Some people are excellent at seeing simple solutions. My husband, Steve Thompson, is one of the best. He prides himself on being “basic.” To him this means his needs are basic – eat, drink, love, laugh, work, nap, repeat. He is a voracious reader of books, mostly science fiction or biographies, and watcher of movies of all kinds. He seldom talks about these hobbies except to bring them out when offering a simple fix to a problem the rest of us have spent an hour debating.

Do you have someone on your team like this? How great that is for you and your team! I am so glad Steve is on my team in life. He can cut through the clutter of the webs made by over thinking and drive directly to the heart of the obstacle. Usually, his solutions begin with, “Well, that person does not like mustard. Stop giving them mustard,” except, the mustard is something else equally as obvious.

People like Steve remind me to turn to the basics. Sometimes the most elegant solution is the most obvious. The answers begin with acknowledging what you know to be true about yourself, your business, your team, and your customers. We do not always need to invent the iPhone. Let’s find ways to improve it.

Start with a few simple questions and:

  1. Ask yourself.
  2. Ask your team.
  3. Ask your clients.

What answers might you find? What worked in the past? Do it again! What did the clients say they wanted more of? Do more of it! And what saps your energy yielding only small results? Stop doing that.

Remember to use your journal for solutions that appear when you are half asleep or exercising or driving – all those spaces you are in where your mind is free to breathe. If you form the habit to write down your thoughts, you have created another resource for yourself and your business when you are stuck.

Look for those simple solutions. It is okay to play the boring word and make 65 points sometimes. Just make sure you stop serving mustard to people who do not like it.

If you are interested in forming a habit of journaling, consider joining our Four Fridays in February group coaching class focused on it. Just e-mail mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com for more information.

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Make It Happen: Go All in on Journaling in 2026

©The MBT Blog published by MBT Mindful Business Today LLC

When I reflect on the challenges of 2025, I am grateful I learned how to journal earlier in life. My family suffered a tragedy at the end of 2024. During that awful time, I realized that somehow, miraculously?, I remained grounded in the face of terrible grief and trauma. How did that happen? It was the result of years of focus on learning how to manage my emotions, learning to identify my own needs, and relying on the simple act of writing things down.

In adapting my business now to the needs of my clients, I am changing the name of my company from MBT More Business Today to MBT Mindful Business Today. In fact, MBT will focus more strongly on mindfulness than ever before. The center of that focus is journaling.

My clients see the results of noting their thoughts and experiences, whether they are working on bringing in new business or becoming better leaders. There is power in the act of writing something down. It gives the words weight and permanence. It takes something abstract and makes it real. I uncovers trends and truths.

The alignment of mindset with values and purpose produces results. It keeps out the noise that disrupts our focus. It wrangles in negative self-talk. It helps us find the roots – internal and external – that derail our progress to our goals.

Simply put, a strong mindset clears the way for confident, decisive action. Then, the action creates pathways for pursuit of success. The final result is achievement of goals set.

For all of these reasons, I believe journaling to be a critical tool for cultivating a business mindset. Coupling the skill with coaching guides individuals through the process of using mindfulness in business.

If you wish to create a habit of journaling this year, join our group coaching classes Four Fridays in February. Email mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com for more information.

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Focus on Building A Strong Mindset in 2026

©The MBT Blog published by MBT More Business Today LLC

During these last few weeks of the year, we turn to introspection. I looked for the greatest lessons of 2025 and thought about how they impact 2026. The strength of mindset emerges as the most important skill needed to thrive in today’s workplace and world. As life pushes, pulls, elongates and changes at home and at work, clients rely on emotional intelligence skills to manage their reactions. 

What that means for me, The Mindful Business Coach, and my business is a company-wide focus on supporting clients to build mindfulness and resilience. I hear about the friction in the workplace. I listen to stories about a huge increase in client anxiety. I understand that the only thing we can control is ourselves. It is time to strengthen our internal emotional management skills to best thrive in the new year.

The photo shows me Behind the Mask I created when I participated in the event by the same name for NAWBO (National Association of Women Business Owners) in March. The discussion focused on what goes on behind the masks of women business owners. Along with a group of four brave women, I talked about the impact grief, the economy, and changes in the administration made on my business.

In tough times, I return to what I can control. I return to mindfulness, introspection, and self-management. My response to the obstacles clients are facing, is to offer programming that teaches and hones those skills.

Here are samples of what I will offer. Watch social media and future blog posts for more information.


  • **Four Fridays in February     – Journaling helps us work through issues and emotions by discovering the clues to our behavior. My clients want to journal but often struggle to make it a practice. Hint: it does not have to be perfect. The sentences do not even need to be complete. During these 45 minute group coaching classes, we will discuss journaling, learn specific prompts to try, and spend quiet time actually doing it. Group runs 11:30 until 12:15 p.m. Central Time Feb. 6, 13, 20 & 27. 

    **Mindful Management March – It is one thing to think and talk about how to best manage our emotions, and quite another thing to do it successfully while leading a team. These Group Coaching Sessions focus on creating self-management techniques to use in the moment. Each participant receives access to the TypeCoach Verifier (a $150 value), a group debrief on interpreting results, and four, one-hour group coaching sessions in March (session dates will be chosen based on availability of participants).

Watch for something new each month! Let’s capture self-control, resilience, and strong mindsets together in 2026!

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Show Gratitude: Remember Community on Giving Tuesday

©The MBT Blog published by MBT More Business Today LLC

What do you care about?

What do you value?

What impacts you?

It’s time to make a stand and support those things, people, and issues that are important to you. Tuesday is Giving Tuesday, the perfect opportunity to offer peace, understanding, and goodwill to your community.

A few years ago, I wrote a blog post about this: “Be Intentional: Bring Your Personal Drive to Your Professional Life,” Now, I continue to be moved by the stories my clients, colleagues, and acquaintance tell about their lives. There are personal struggles. Situations they see others navigating create empathy and the need to help.

There are so many sources of inspiration in the lived experiences they share. What is your story? Share it with someone. And if you are going through something now, please know that you supported.

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Boost Your Growth: Therapy Plus Coaching Benefits

©The MBT Blog published by MBT More Business Today LLC

Working with individual clients over the last few years, I noticed a shift to greater openness about mental health issues. Many of my clients talk about therapy and the specific issues they are working toward understanding and improving. Most of those subjects also show up through the various personality assessments I use when coaching.

Anxiety, managing stress, and codependent behaviors take the top three slots in the cross-over between what is discussed in therapy and what obstacles materialize in coaching. As a coach, I check in with clients to suggest they seek out a good therapist and to confirm they have already done so.

What is interesting to me now is the speed of improvement I see when clients openly work with both.

Therapy focuses on looking backward to the root of the obstacles a person faces. Coaching guides a person to move forward and focuses on improvements. In both cases, information, programs, books, and techniques are shared.

For example, after reading through the tips for improvement offered in a personality assessment report, a client remarked to me, “This is all about my anxiety. I am working on that with my therapist.” From that moment on, the techniques overlap.

Here are some examples:

  • For several clients of mine, the combination of support created a feeling of confidence to engage in conversations they had previously avoided. They tended to put themselves in the category of conflict averse individuals.
  • The power of saying “no” emerged for clients who were inclined to put the needs of others before themselves. With their therapist, they delved into their codependent behaviors. With me as their coach, we worked on building their mindset to affirm their rights to self-care, rather than tearing themselves down through negative self-talk.
  • In therapy and coaching, clients learned to recognize their triggers. I help people determine how to best prepare themselves for triggering situations by creating processes to follow. I saw the swiftness of improvement double when clients also worked with a therapist to find the root of those triggers.

In these and other areas, I have seen an improvement-squared result. Simply put, clients move forward more quickly with both types of support. How about you? Have you invested in yourself? What works for you?

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Rediscover the Joy of the Coffee Meeting

©The MBT Blog published by MBT More Business Today LLC

I love coffee. I love all kinds of coffee; fancy coffee drinks, straight up caffeine-filled coffee, a bit of café au lait in New Orleans, a pumpkin spice latte both hot and cold. The drink in the picture is a very special café tiramisu drink – no alcohol used but great use of a martini glass. Coffee is cozy and happy and comfortable for me. I also enjoy sitting down and talking with people. All kinds of people, some, I know this sounds crazy, who do not enjoy coffee still meet up with me for a sip – usually of tea or smoothie. It brings us closer together, helps us establish and expand relationships. It is like dating, but for business.

Coming off a solid few weeks of networking, I felt a faint aversion to coffee meetings begin to develop. These are the important next steps that must be taken to bring in new business. How can someone buy your services or refer business to you if they do not know, trust, and like you. The one-on-one meetings are essential. Yet, fatigue had set in. I needed to find a way to power through the thoughts in my head telling me to lie down with a warm blanket.

Once I arrived at the meetings though, I enjoyed the ritual as usual. It seemed the leaving-the-house part of things was weighing on me. They, whoever they are, say too much of anything is not good for you. Yet, how will I plant the seeds for future business if I sit at home? I need to be out there, right?

Then I reflected on the conversations coffee created in the past few weeks. I let myself feel the excitement of learning a new thing. I learn something from each person I meet. I wondered at the life experiences of my table companions – the part of their life experience they shared with me on that particular day. I marveled at the differences and the similarities we uncovered together. I loved each one of those meetings.

What’s old is new! The epiphany surfaced or re-surfaced. I do so like green eggs and ham, or, in this case, meeting and connecting over coffee.

“Yes, but how does all this caffeine intake impact your business?” you may ask. I may reply, in fact, I will reply, “greatly and for the better.” Looking back at my notes, I remembered the follow up I had yet to do. This is an important step, I remembered through my mocha haze: do the follow up!

Those connections have connections and agreed to connect me. In all cases, I also agreed to connect these new connections. The connections are sure to grow from here, leading to many more associations.

I am a bit jazzed up on coffee, so I best write these tips down more clearly for all of you who are reading this.

  1. Reflect on the meetings you had.
  2. What did you learn about the person you met?
  3. Look to your notes for information. What did you agree to do and what did they agree to do?
  4. Make a list or just dive right in, but DO THE FOLLOW UP!
  5. Especially make sure to make plans to reconnect and deepen the relationship.

And that, is how I rediscovered the joy of the coffee meeting.

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Surviving the Workplace: Rely on Your Source of Motivation

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

I recently attended a webinar about “Surviving Today’s Workplace” and was surprised to hear the primary focus was on what to wear at work – at least during the first 20 minutes of a half hour webinar. What I hear consistently from clients about surviving the workplace right now contradicts the webinar’s advice – my clients are not wondering whether they are wearing the right shoes. Their concerns center on anxiety, exhaustion, uncertainty, and burnout.

Many people are feeling the grasp of overwhelming circumstances at work. It affects their concentration, productivity, mood, and health.

The root of those obstacles comes from the pressures of meeting company goals assigned to the individual and their team, managing a multi-generational team, employee retention, increased expectations, and, the state of our world right now with the intense level of change and uncertainty.

Many of my clients express, whether through words, actions or inaction, the drain this high level of stress inflicts upon them physically and emotionally. They are having a hard time finding the motivation they need to keep them active and productive at work. Then, their lack of productivity leads to additional stress placing them in an orbit of overload with no escape seeming to be near.

Many people are feeling the grasp of overwhelming circumstances at work. It affects their concentration, productivity, mood, and health. Through coaching, they discover the importance getting back to the basics of their motivation. Asking the question, “why do you do what you do?” is key to breaking out of the funky orbit holding them hostage.

For most people, the answer to the question above falls into four categories. They are motivated by: family and/or people, being responsible, achieving excellence, and solving the immediate problem in the moment. The situations around them make it difficult to satisfy their need for action leading to the responses listed above.

Family and/or People: Individuals in this category are motivated by helping and supporting people. They started their career to dedicate their time to the impact they can make on other people, including their families and members of their teams. When their job and work responsibilities keep them from achieving their purpose, they lose their motivation.

Being Responsible: Responsibilities surface from many places and people in this category are driven to fulfill all of them. Sometimes, they are the chief breadwinner in their family and are supporting multiple people with their paychecks. At work, they feel personally accountable for the successes or failures of their teams and businesses. Understanding this motivation and taking a look at the burdens an individual takes on, can be the key to breaking out of the orbit.

Achieving Excellence: What is more important than achieving a goal? Doing it perfectly, in the best way, and with the highest level of success. These individuals are often so confined to their vision of excellence, they are unable to see the victories in a job well done. Frustration and anxiety will surface for them when the rate at which they are expected to execute leaves no time for impeccable thoughts and planning.

Solving the Immediate Problem in the Moment: Have you ever wished you had the scissors to cut through the red tape in your organization? Red tape, delays, and lack of autonomy are nightmares to this group of individuals. They simply want to go to work, do the job, solve the issues, and move on to the next challenge.

Which of the motivations listed above resonated with you? Give yourself the gift of time today to pause and regain your understanding of what motivates you? And remember to take on that orbit of tasks and obstacles surrounding you one situation at a time. Rather than being stuck in an unrelenting titanium orbit, break through softly by finding control over your work, day, and mood.

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Mastering Goal Setting to Combat Opportunity Overload

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

Yikes! I innocently walked into the grocery store recently and quickly became surrounded by pumpkin spice options. Ground coffee, cold foam, pods of coffee, creamer, and so on. I barely escaped – with a few items, that is. Then, I opened my e-mail and social media to a bombardment of events, seminars, networking options, coffees meetups, and conferences. How do I whittle through all of that and stay productive?

For many of my clients, the overwhelm is real. For most people, a bit of success in business or career often leads to a barrage of invitations to do more. Successful people get that way by being committed to the endeavors they pursue. The world knows this well and will intrude on their daily life distracting them from their plan and vision.

“Coaching works first because I have a goal. When I am overwhelmed by too many options, the coach steers me back toward my goal and keeps me on track. The second reason is the coach holds me accountable during the recurring appointments.” MBT Attorney Clients

By managing boundaries and setting clear goals for yourself, you can learn to respond the way you want to respond when asked to sit on a board, lead a group, attend an event or organize a business event. Why not just say “no?”

Reasons for saying “yes.”
Clients I work with are up-and-comers who are committed to their self-improvement. They are at the stage in their career where their work and dedication are being noticed by colleagues in their organization, business people in their industry, and leaders in their communities. The expectations grow as fast as the careers. Here are some of the reasons I hear for not saying “no.”
– I don’t want to say “no” to my boss or I don’t know how to refuse my boss.
– I don’t know what I want, so I will just grab this opportunity, and that one, too.
– I don’t like conflict and will do anything to avoid it.
– I am afraid if I reject this opportunity, I will not receive any others.

My clients are right, it is no better to refuse every opportunity than it is to accept everything that is offered. After years of coaching attorneys as they grew in stature as rainmakers and leaders, I asked the question, “Why does coaching work for you?” They answered, “Coaching works first, because I have a goal. When I am overwhelmed by too many options, the coach steers me back toward my goal and keeps me on track. The second reason is the coach holds me accountable during the recurring appointments.”

There it is, the answer for taking control of your career and combating the overwhelm. Goal setting, creating and holding boundaries, and turning back to your goal when the options begin to multiply. And, pulling out the plan to revisit your progress and make sure your course of action aligns with it. By doing this, you remind yourself of the plans you made for your life. It becomes easier to say “no” because there is substance behind it. It also creates more enthusiasm to jumping into an opportunity because it aligns with your strategy.

For example:

  • “Thank you for asking me to serve on your board. My time is taken up with a number of other activities. Tell me about the criteria for people on your board, and I will see if there is someone I can recommend to you.”
  • Thank you for this opportunity. I am fully committed to your cause and feel this is the right place for me to support you.”
  • “Thank you for the opportunity to take on this administrative role at the firm. I am honored you are thinking about me. However, right now, I am focused on building my business skills.”
  • “Thank you for offering me the opportunity to lead this group at the firm! I am excited for the opportunity to grow here.”

How is this article impacting you? What career goals do you have? Have you written a plan for yourself? Do you know where you are headed? Do you have a vision for your future? Coaching supports you at the beginning, end, and that pesky middle part, of success.

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Building Trust by Sharing Business Connections

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

The old business saying, “People buy from people they know, like, and trust,” coined by Bob Burg in his book Endless Referrals, provides a simple road map for building your business. Broken down, it suggests building relationships and trust with those in your network.

You attended those three networking events this month. You met a few people at each event who might need your services. You searched them out on LinkedIn and sent invitations to them. They accepted. Now what?

That middle part, after the first meeting and before closing the sale, often gets in the way of a bringing in a perfect new client. You cannot get to the last part without going through, and engaging with, the middle part. The first, and usually the second, meeting seldom make the phone ring. The truth is, you have to work to build that relationship.

It sounds simple, right? Just follow up. The question is who, what, when, and all the how’s; how often, how come, how to. That pesky middle part causes anxiety again.

Each time I attend a networking event, I marvel at the connections that exist between people just waiting to be discovered. Each one of us has knowledge that helps someone else address a question or obstacle they are experiencing. This is the power of people used for the betterment of the community

One way to develop relationships, instill trust, and remain top of mind is to tap into that people power and become a connector. A connector is a person who maintains a large network, understands the special skill sets of those in their network, and easily connects two people who need each other to solve a problem. Connectors do not personally create the solution to the issue. They guide their pals to other pals who have the solutions.

Connectors know how to listen. They ask questions to make sure they best understand the needs of those with whom they interact. Then they store that information away for future retrieval. Where do they store it? In their heads, in a spreadsheet, and sometimes, on the back of business cards.

Being a connector also gives you automatic reasons to follow up and expand the relationship. First, you follow up by making the introduction. Then, the connection gives you a reason to check in on both parties to see how things are going. Finally, it opens the door for you to talk about the connections you need to make to move your business forward.

A Few Things to Remember:

  • Check your mindset. Make sure you open your mind to positive outcomes each day. Turn a thought like, “I never meet the right people,” into something positive and more truthful like, “I need to look for the unique skills of the people I meet.”
  • Time is never wasted. My clients will sometimes remark that they did not, “…meet anyone who will give me work,” at an event or conference. Maybe, but who do those people know? What needs do they have? Are there connections you have not explored?
  • Be disciplined. Treat the time you spend following up the same way you treat the time you spend working. It is important and vital to your success. Schedule the time on your calendar and commit to holding that space for your relationship development.
  • Create and enforce boundaries. It feels good to be a connector and help people solve their problems. Remember not to forget your own goals. Set boundaries for yourself in the form of time commitments, such as, “I will make introductions for others 30 minutes each week.” Also, remember to ask for what you need. Do not forget yourself while you are helping others.

Connectors create win/win situations everyday. Why not be one of them?

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Navigating Business Support: Grace and Authenticity

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

I recently danced in bliss and abandon at a 1970s themed garden party during an event celebrating the 50th Anniversary of NAWBO (National Association for Women Business Owners). The next day, as I spoke with a friend and #womanbusinessowner, she remarked on the beautiful feeling of #acceptance, #belonging, and #support she felt while we all danced together. She used the word #authentic to describe the support shared by the diverse mixture of women at the event.

Looking at the photo of myself dancing raises the question for me, how do we show up for each other in our #businesslives?

Most women, me included, have experienced the opposite of this atmosphere at work. We have been victims of women colleagues who refuse to offer a hand up to others in our company. Some situations included actual #sabotage to make an up-and-comer slip a few notches on the ladder. Often the actions are about #power, finding it and keeping it. I hear about it when I am coaching clients. I also hear about it from minority groups. It’s as if a person who has risen despite the odds, someone who often is the only one of their group, believes there can be only one in such an elevated position, and it must be them. They fear losing status.

Do the best you can until you know better.
Then, when you know better, do better.

Maya Angelou

If we reflected on this concept truthfully, most of us will admit we have been in both spaces. The non-supportive colleague AND the supportive person. Were we mean spirited at work? Were we tired of all the great things the latest “golden child” was accomplishing? Were we afraid our accomplishments would be forgotten? Did we feel like we were suddenly not enough? And, were WE the golden child receiving the attention while feeling the cold shoulder of other women colleagues? Were WE the ones being added to an agenda to present on a subject without being notified in advance? How did we react?

Whatever the reasons and experiences, we need to offer grace to ourselves for times when we were less than supportive of a colleague. And, offer grace to the colleague who was less than supportive of us. As Maya Angelou wrote, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.”

One worry I hear is that by supporting one person or one group of people, the perception will be my client is against another person or group of people. Clients also worry that a lack of public support for people who are similar to them engenders the idea that they are against their own people.

How do you know how to act? Business culture and politics are often complex. Sometimes fear of losing out causes us to go along, or worse, limit the opportunities of others. How can you manage your work life so your actions fit in with the person you want to be? These questions can only be answered by examining your values.

How do you dig into your values? How do you bring mindfulness to the forefront at work when reacting in the moment? Here are some ideas.
1. Start by asking yourself, “Who am I and who do I want to be?” While you answer, consider the adjectives you would like to use describing yourself. Fair? Successful? Loyal? Thoughtful? Smart? Productive? And the nouns, too. Ally? Leader? Collaborator? Mentor?
2. Now ask yourself, “What motivates me?” Answers could include: my family, status, taking care of people, financial success, my faith.
3. Now, think of two real work situations you encountered: after one, you felt unsettled or unhappy by the way you reacted. In the other, you were proud of your actions. What would you do differently in each circumstance?
Here are two examples:
1. You are part of a meeting and the discussion veers toward a female colleague. Those in the room are commenting on this person’s looks or mannerisms in an unflattering way. Everyone is laughing. You chuckle and look down at the table.
2. All the facts noted in #1 are the same, except you do not laugh. You say, “Come on everyone, let’s move on from this personal talk.” In reaction, the group stops talking. After a few moments of silence, the leader directs the group back to the agenda.

Now ask yourself how much you care about what other people think of you? The truth is, unless you have directly asked the question, “What do you think of me?” and received an answer, you do not know. So, why waste the time wondering?

Focusing on the knowns at work, the direct feedback you have received, frees you from wondering what others are thinking. It opens the door to behaving in a way that aligns with your values. It gives you the opportunity to realize you can support other women without turning your back on male colleagues.

And, I believe you can be for someone without being against someone else. What do you think? How do you show up? Does it align with your values? What can you learn? How can you do better? I believe there is enough goodness in life for everyone to enjoy. How about you?

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Knowing Your Part in Business: What Your Younger Self Could Tell You

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

When I was a kid, my family gathered around the dining room table on weekends, put some music on the Hi-Fi and played cards, most frequently Pinochle. As the youngest of six children, I seldom joined in the game. I was too little and inexperienced. Truthfully, my interests centered around the music that was supposed to provide a background for the game. For me, the music was everything.

Those times illustrated with great clarity the path I would choose in my life. I wish I had recognized it sooner. My younger self held the wisdom of my future in her hands. I acted instinctively sometimes toward my best path, but often I failed to listen.

I come from a musical family. While we played cards, we sang along to the music, each choosing a separate harmony to sing. My parents envisioned themselves as extremely hip allowing my older brothers and sisters to supply the modern music of the time – Joni Mitchell, Simon & Garfunkel, Bread, Cat Stevens and the Beatles. However, the White Album was quickly banished as soon as “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road” came blaring out of the speaker.

How the four players in each game found the mental room necessary to think in the midst of the shear volume of the music and so many singers crouched around them is a mystery to me. My mother actually displayed the gift of counting cards, knowing exactly what was left in each person’s hand, while humming and chair-dancing when her favorite songs were on – “I Dig Rock and Roll” by Peter, Paul and Mary in particular.

I created a fringe role for myself at these times listening to all of the other harmonies, the established ones, around me and inventing new ones. I moved around the table quietly stepping into the small groups created by our bunched up chairs and sang notes I grabbed from the sky or inside my head. I am sure some of them were off-key as evidenced by mother’s or brother’s quick shake of the head and wince of the eye. Somehow, at the young age of 11, 12, and 13, the clinkers failed to stop me. I charged forward each weekend, praying on Thursday night for a card game or two that Saturday. Those evenings were the center of my joy.

Inevitably, a memory from childhood pops up. The client will say, “When I was a child, I used to … Why don’t I do that now?”

Now, as I work with individuals and teams supporting them and giving them the tools to find success, I think about myself back then. I knew then who I was and had claimed my role – the outsider lobbing something new into the established group, the way-shower lighting the path for a previously hidden interlude, the experimenter willing to get messy during the search.

I see now how I incorporate that skill set into coaching. I enjoy bringing together ideas, lessons, and tools to guide a client toward their destiny. With each coaching engagement I help my clients identify obstacles keeping them from succeeding in the ways they want to succeed. Inevitably, a memory from childhood pops up. The client will say, “When I was a child, I used to … Why don’t I do that now?” Indeed, what would the younger you tell you about yourself if you chose to listen?

I find the paths we take throughout life fascinating. How did my client’s personality show up in childhood? What were the defining moments pushing one person to be a lawyer and another an entrepreneur? And, how much of themselves were lost along the way?

Sometimes as we age, we lean in to the “you shoulds” others dictate to us. Taking a supporting role seems unappealing or even unworthy. Our minds get mixed up with what we are supposed to want versus what we really need. Suddenly, we are lost. We are unsure how to move forward. We get stuck.

Many clients express the need to be authentic in creating relationships at work as leaders or in developing business. I have written about it here often, because it is such a strong and repeated need. The first step in that process is to identify who they are. Once that is clear, moving forward becomes easier.

Why not ask yourself? What role would you take if you thought about the strengths you exhibited as a kid. If you were in a band or orchestra, would you play the music, conduct the music, or manage the group’s schedule? If you are a business leader, do you crunch the numbers, execute the strategy, or create the strategy? Are you in the right role? How do you harmonize with your colleagues?

There are so many roles you can play, are you in the right one? Give coaching a try. Reach out to me for a free consultation using this link. Let’s find your joyful place!

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Owen and the Fourth

A Special Post From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

When I think about the 4th of July, I think about my son Owen and remember a day at Hoyt Pool in Wauwatosa. A perfectly warm day with few clouds in the blue sky, the newly opened pool offered a beautiful, fun escape. In addition to a splash area for younger kids, it had a big, colorful slide for the entertainment of older kids.

Owen has a disability that affects his arms and legs. My son, however, gravitates toward mastering the things that other people believe he cannot do. So, of course, he figured out a way to swim using his strong thighs to kick his legs. He practiced holding his breath, planning to achieve a world record.

“Mom, mom, count how long I am under the water. I bet I can do three minutes. Ready? Go!” he would say too quickly for me to be ready and count. He loved the water. It gave him the freedom of movement he could not replicate on dry land. I picture him now wearing his swim goggles and staring at me intensely, hopping on the foot of his one straight leg while he readied himself for a plunge under the water.

Sometimes, he would hook his ankles onto the side of the pool and submerge himself backwards. Those times, he stayed under the longest. Just when I began to panic a bit that he was under too long, he popped up with a laugh. He delighted in seeing the panic in my face. “Mom, mom! I know what I’m doing,” he would say with a laugh and happily swim away.

I am not a great swimmer. I do not like being in water over my head. My sweet son tried to coax me out of my fear each time we visited our beautiful pool. “Come on, mom. You can swim. Go in the deep water with me.”

I ventured forth into the deep – for me, that is anything over 4’ 10”. Quickly, I skittered back to my comfort zone at the edge of the pool where I would get a bit of exercise by holding on and kicking.

On this festive 4th of July, a lifeguard told us Owen must pass a swimming test before playing in the deep end again. I held my breath, waiting for Owen’s response. Ever the worrier, I feared he would refuse, or worse, fail the test. I could see him refusing to go to the pool in the future if he failed. He loved the water so completely, I feared he would cut himself off from the great joy of the big pool.

“Okay!” Owen said. “What do I have to do?” The rules stated he had to swim out to the deep and come back without touching the bottom. It seemed a huge distance to me. I do not remember the specifics.

I asked the lifeguard how many times he would have to do this. What if the lifeguards changed shifts? The kids receive a password once they pass, he told me. I nodded at hearing that. We had heard kids shouting random words at the lifeguards before: Inner tube., friend, truck, and so on.

It was time for Owen to take the swimming test. He took a deep breath, plunged himself under the water, and quickly swam straight across, into the deep, past the other kids watching him in awe, straight to the next set of ropes. Then, he hovered for a second, treading water, and swam back.

No arms! He never used his arms, because they have no muscles in them. I explained that to the lifeguard. I taught him how to say Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita that day. He repeated after me, “aar·throw·gri·pow·suhs muhl·tee·pleks kuhn·jeh·nuh·tuh.

Owen arrived at the pool wall and looked up at the lifeguard.

“Well?”

“You passed!” he said giving a big, tanned thumbs up.

“What’s my word?” Owen said laughing with delight.

“Independence,” the lifeguard said.

A day of triumph for my amazing son who spent the entire day shouting, “Independence” at the amazed lifeguards.

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Imagine the Best Picture of You

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

When my photographer revealed the images of me after our photo session, I was awestruck. I have always been camera shy even though my mother used to say I was photogenic. So, I hesitated more than a little when investing in a professional photo. This photo session was magic. I though, “this is how I want to look. This is the image I want to project. And, this is really me.”

An exercise I use during coaching sessions asks the client to list words. The words should indicate how they believe others would describe them as leaders. Then, they list the aspirational words, the words they would love people to use when talking about their leadership. The exercise is about perception and self-image.

Sometimes, the first list of descriptors comes through reviews and feedback from supervisors, managers and colleagues. Participation in a 360 review process generally gives a leader specific input and is a good source in development of the list. However they emerge, observations from others bring surprises – some very helpful and appreciated, some causing doubt.

Looking at the gap, the difference between what others believe and what you want to project, creates a great opportunity for growth.

Mary Balistreri, The Mindful business coach
A woman with curly hair wearing red glasses and a red blazer smiling at the camera against a neutral background.

For myself, I know I want to project a confident engaging, knowledgeable business woman. And, the feedback I receive surprises me. I hear, “Fun. Your web site does not show how much fun you are.” Or, one that does not exactly produce excitement in me, “The rock. You are so dependable.” My reaction to dependable is “boring.” But, that feedback ultimately made me happy that clients and colleagues depend on me. It also made me realize I want to be exciting. Hence the red in this image, my favorite picture of me.

This picture makes me laugh when I see it. I remember my negativity about getting a good photo. I remember my nervousness which the photographer remedied by playing great dance music. I love to dance and it set me at ease. It makes me smile remembering the compliments I still receive about this photo even though it has been out there in social media land for three years. It makes me happy.

My aspirational list contains many more words than those mentioned above. Yet, when I am having one of those days, you know the kind, when a potential client says “yes” to everything except signing the contract. The days when your e-mail is full only of other people trying to sell you things. The quiet days when the phone does not ring. Those are the times I need to dig into my own self-talk. 

Mindset affects the way you feel. The first step to taking control of your life, career, image – you name it – is to control your own thoughts and attitudes. For me when I am in a negative place, sometimes I tell myself, “Look for the things that are going right.” Another mantra for me is, “Everything you need is around you. Just focus and you will see it.” Or, I look at this picture. This photo continually snaps me out of negative reverie into the beauty of the day.

How about you? Is there an image of you that you believe shows the best you? Can you visualize what that image might be? And, which words are on your lists? Take a moment, and pen and paper, to think about it. And if you want help, send me an email or make an appointment. It will brighten my mood on one of “those” days and begin your investment in controlling your own image.

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Boost Your Confidence: Speak Up at Work

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

This week, I participate in Advocacy Days in Washington, D.C. with NAWBO (National Association of Women Business Owners). As a member of this supportive group of entrepreneurs, I relish the idea of combining our voices to stand up for women and small business owners in our country. I did not always possess the ability to speak up for myself or anyone. I was taught to keep my head down and work hard.

My clients, and me and people everywhere, seem to want the same thing – to be heard. Being heard and understood leads to feelings of belonging. A sense of belonging leads to confidence in your environment. That confidence can lead to trust. And, trust leads to honesty, collaboration, productivity, and satisfaction.

Many of my clients express the need to speak more confidently at work and to be heard. Through coaching, some learn to stand up for themselves and their staff. It is a key element in becoming a better leader. 

Has anyone every told you, “Well, if you do not tell me, how am I supposed to know what you want?” The statement is true.

Yet, what is a person supposed to do? How do you start? What do you say? It is more complicated than just being told to speak up. Like most things in life, learning to use your voice can be made into a process. Start small, then let yourself grow.

A Process. Also like most things, a one-size-fits-all process may not work for every size. Each person is different. Each person’s obstacles that keep them from speaking up are individual to them. Each business environment has its own culture. So, take the suggestions here and adopt them for your needs and environment.

  • Start by finding your voice. What is important to you?
    Take some time to think about what is most important to you. Think about what you value most. Make a list.
  • Look for patterns.
    Are there certain behaviors that bother you? Do others take advantage of you? Have you established boundaries? In which situations do you wish you had voiced your opinion? Make a list. Do you see a pattern? It is probable you have experienced the same kinds of situations during your life in multiple areas – at home, at your current job, and at a previous job. Narrow in on the causes.
  • What keeps you from voicing your thoughts?
    Many of my clients dislike conflict. Voicing an opinion creates the possibility that someone will disagree with you. If this sounds like you, think about the word “no” and how it feels to hear it. How does it feel to say “no?” Disagreements can be resolved through talking. Think about what happens if your hear “no” and what happens if you hear “yes.” Those are the two extremes. Most responses will be somewhere in the middle.
  • Give it a try.
    Plan ahead to voice your opinion and practice what you might say. “I understand your idea, and here are my thoughts.” or “I know you are busy, but I cannot take on another project right now. Let’s talk about who is more available.” Take a deep breath and try it out. Notice what happens. How did it feel? Try it again. Remember to align your need to speak up with your values.
  • Keep growing.
    Practice until it becomes a comfortable habit.

If you exercise your vocal chords, your voice will become stronger. The more often you stand up for yourself and others, and the more toned your muscles will become. Keep at it. Maybe you will join me at Advocacy Days next year.

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Pause for Follow Up

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

April and May bring huge amounts of activity – both for business and leisure. After numerous weeks of running from one thing to the next, I am catching my breath and looking for the opportunities brought from all those pursuits. What will come from the seeds I have planted this spring?

At one point in the last few weeks, I alternated between four conference name badges and multiple name tags for various events. While in the midst of the activity, my mind drifted toward the reasons for this busyness. “Is this where I want to be right now?” I asked myself multiple times. Most of the time, the answer was “yes.”

During free moments, I sat down with my calendar to look for items to drop. A session from one conference might be too close to the networking lunch. So, I gave myself permission to drop that session. For each activity, I planned ahead to understand my goal for my participation. Then, I refined my focus as days evolved.

Focusing on my goals helped me get the most out of the events and made me pause to reconsider. At the end of it all, I know that reflecting on opportunities and following up with individuals and the plans suggested are the keys to success.

So, today while I am in the midst of my own thinking and following up, I thought to offer some tips for you. There are a number of ways to reflect back on a time of vigorous activity. One thing is certain, time must be set aside to think. A process is outlined below.

  1. Calendar a time to pause and reflect. Why calendaring? Because adding something to your calendar makes it real. Otherwise “take time to pause and reflect” is just an idea. By making specific space and time for reflection, you make a commitment with yourself.
  2. Use business cards and social accounts to help you reflect. Once comfortable and relaxed, use tools to help you remember. Gather business cards you picked up along the way. Look at LinkedIn and other business social networks to view your new connections. Pull out notes you might have taken. I make notes in my phone sometimes to remind me who to contact again and why, to write down an idea I may have formed about how to use information I collected, or to suggest which of my contacts could benefit from the information I learned.
  3. Evaluate the opportunities. First, decide what categories of follow up are important to your goals. You could be looking for new clients, shopping for a mentor, looking for a group of people with similar interests, or searching for future team members. After you determine the categories, choose the type of follow up that is appropriate for the circumstance. For example, for some new contacts you may want to set up a coffee, lunch or a virtual meeting. For some you are interested in connecting, but feel no urgency. Some may benefit from the materials you picked up at a conference.
  4. Do the follow up. Rule of thumb is to follow up as soon after you met someone as possible. This might not always be feasible, plan to reach out in some way within two weeks of the interaction. The important thing is to execute on the follow up. Then continue to find way to keep in touch with the contacts which present the best opportunities.

Make sure to spend the time to look for opportunities and follow up on the contacts you make. Then at the end of the year when you are looking back at your accomplishments, you are much more likely to be happy with yourself.

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Looking Back: What Have You Learned?

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

In a few months, it will be the 30th anniversary of the launch of my first business. Well, I put on shows for the neighborhood and sold tickets as a kid, but I am not counting that bit of entrepreneurship. I refer to the musical theatre-in-the-round business that began with so much excitement in 1995. Right about now, at the end of a cold winter 30 years ago, I decided to take the leap. I said “yes” to my new business partner with all of the hopes and dreams anyone conjures at the start of an adventure.

I left the business after five years and started a job in the corporate world because my husband was ill and we needed real health insurance. Ten years ago, I still raged a bit inside at my stupidity (now I would say naivete) regarding that business. Twenty years ago, I raged a bit more at my previous business partner than at myself. Even then I acknowledged it was my idiocy (now I would say ignorance) that let my guard down back then.

With this anniversary coming up, I am reminding myself of the lessons that experience taught me. Jump in, read along, and consider sharing your experiences with someone this week. Whether your “learning opportunities” came from failed business ventures or leadership issues in a former job, they undoubtedly taught you some valuable lessons.

Nothing Replaces Experience
I jumped into my situation with no experience running a business. The only business classes I had taken in college were Business Writing 101, Communications (not sure of the number, but it was a higher level class), and Statistics. I knew plenty about singing, writing, art, movies, and reporting. However, the art history, literature, and movie criticism classes fell short of preparing me to manage a business.

As a newspaper reporter for ten years, I had developed skills in one area, public relations, that proved valuable to promoting the theatre. I understood how to get your item into the newspaper by pitching a story with a good hook. I knew what made a good story. I also knew many of the local reporters and could address the pitch to a specific person rather than info@soandsonews. Actually, back then I reached out directly by phone most of the time. Most importantly, I had learned how to interview people, ask questions, and listen well. That skill is needed in business and everyday life, well, every day.

I did not know the big stuff. Questions like – what were the terms of the lease for the space we rented, who do we consult if an actor accuses other actors of sexual misconduct while on stage, what happens when you never get a quorum at your board meeting? – I left to my business partner. He ran a business before and it seemed to be quite successful. Big mistake!

Lesson #1: Understand the experience you bring to the table and that of your partner(s). Then, determine how to fill in the holes for the skills you are missing like legal, human resources, insurance, etc. This concept also applies to those leading a team. As you build your team, consider the balance of knowledge. Ask yourself, “What are we missing?”

Look Before You Leap
The third delivery of wood had arrived at our basement theatre location before I realized my business partner expected us to completely remodel the space and pay for it ourselves. Big Surprise! “So, that is why he asked me how much disposable income I had after I paid off my car,” I suddenly realized.

In addition to the wood and a carpenter he had hired to remodel, expenses quickly piled up. Costumes, lights, a lighting board, a piano, the rights to all of the shows we planned to perform. The list goes on, but you get my drift. I worked a number of jobs at that time freelancing for various newspapers. My days generally began at 6 a.m. and ended at 8 p.m. I thought the theatre company was a small thing, something to do on the weekends. I thought our “season” for the first year consisted of two shows. I thought we were putting a toe in the water. I thought the theatre would be an amusing and fun hobby. My partner planned a six-show show season. We were rehearsing one show while another one was up and running for a full five years.

Lesson #2 Make sure you have a contract. Friends quickly become enemies when money and disagreement enter the relationship. My business partner’s vision did not align with mine. I thought we had talked it out. He thought we had talked it out. Neither of us had heard the other, obviously. I wish I had sat down with my colleague and written out our plan for that first year. I also wish I had talked to a lawyer about the endeavor.

This lesson applies to leaders within an organization, too. Make sure everyone is on the same page at the start of a project. Each must understand their role and know the expectations.

Understand your “why.”
I agreed to start that business for a plethora of reasons, but the major reason was because I was bored. And, I had just turned 30. I wanted to do something interesting. So, the sixth or seventh time my business partner asked me to join him as the general manager of the theatre, I said, “Yes. Why not?”

Now, his list of reasons for starting the business was quite long and compelling. He dreamed about it since he was a kid in the choir at the Metropolitan Opera in New York City. He knew every single show he wanted to stage.

Additionally, he felt the city (Milwaukee) needed another children’s theatre with lower-priced tickets. Giving children in our community the opportunity to see live musical theatre was also important to me. Here was the primary uniting vision. This purpose drove us to marginal success for five years.

Lesson #3: Grab a journal and write down all they “why’s” and “why nots” of a new venture before making a commitment to it. What expectations do you have? What results indicate you succeeded? Is this the right time for you?

If I had focused on the self-awareness, I would not have blamed my business partner for the woes of the business problems. And, I would now have a better sense of what I achieved at that time of my life.

Looking back, I feel nostalgia for those times. I learned so much about running a business. I learned how to work with an accountant, keep track of the books, hire people, fire people, and how to keep my cool during a wardrobe malfunction onstage.

What memories do you have of past business ventures? Please share the lessons you learned.

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Change: How Will Life Be Different?

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

How will things be different? This is a standard coaching question. Once you achieve your goal, how will things change? Paint me a picture of your future life. The question helps the client gain clarity around why they want to make changes. What impact will the changes make on your life – your private life, your work life – on you?

Yet, many people find it difficult to see through the clouds. Sometimes I hear this response from a client, “I’m not really the kind of person who enjoys visualization exercises. I concentrate on what is in front of me.”

If this is you, you are not alone. Some people generate ideas easily. Some people are labeled visionaries. Some people look to facts to paint pictures. And, as clients have told me, some people work on the task directly in front of them.

The answer to this one question tells a coach how to proceed with coaching the individual. This one question evokes strong emotion for some. For some, it can lead to a discussion of recent life events that make thinking, much less dreaming, hard to do. If a client is part of that collective of people, how do we proceed?

I will share a personal story. Several months ago when life bloomed inside me and around me, I embarked on the task of drawing a picture for myself of the life I most loved to have. I wrote down the concrete results, yet could not visualize the parts of life that bring color – my reds and oranges were absent from my vision. This brought confusion to me. In my most relaxed state in a decade, why could I not see the colors, mood, and breeziness of the life I dreamed?

As part of a group discussion, I raised these concerns. A woman who participated in the virtual call, whom had only met me a few times, filled in the blanks for me. I was astounded. How could she know me better than I did? She easily put herself in my stylish, red and brown oxfords. She conjured my billowing red blouse and linen pants. She walked beside me down a crowded street in New York City. She saw my future life when I failed to see it.

I realized, but not until today, that sometimes we need others to dream for us. Others may look inside us and see the beauty and happiness waiting to be released.

Today, when I returned to that exercise and asked, “What do I want my life to look like?” I was greeted not only with red and orange, but brilliant blues and greens. My daily actions and non-actions drew the picture closer to me. They colored in the picture I had only outlined for myself.

My epiphany: I am 60% closer to having the life I would love the most.

How did it happen? I concentrated on the concrete. I worked on what was in front of me every, single day. I kept moving forward. I took breaks when I needed. I failed. I stopped. I started again. Then I went back and checked on that dream. It was materializing at its own pace, in its own time.

The answer then to the question, “how do we proceed” is through other people. Other people may become sounding boards for us. Find someone to color in your dream for you. Admit when you are stuck. Ask for input. And, maybe, find a good coach.

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Grief and Business: They Go Together

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

A few weeks ago, I participated in a panel discussion called “Behind the Mask: Stories of Courage, Growth and Strength.” My story over the last few years focused on continuing, moving myself and my business forward while dealing with grief. I continued to work on my business while making space to grieve. Wherever it shows itself in life, loss demands acknowledgement.

Twenty-five years ago, I walked away from my musical theater business because my husband had a stroke. I did not realize until 2023 how much grief I carried from that experience. How did I notice it so many years later? After my sister passed away in February 2023, I stopped and gave myself time to grieve. As my mind began to calm and quiet, I found there were many losses in my life begging to be acknowledged. “Let me out!” they yelled at me. They had probably been yelling for years, but their voices drowned in all the activity with which I filled my waking hours.

If I kept things moving, I could run from the pain, sadness, embarrassment and shame equated with loss. And, while I was working hard, playing hard, and pushing myself, I deprived myself of peace: of mind, of spirit, of thoughts.

Looking back through the lens of present-day, I understand more clearly the feelings I had back then. Crying because circumstance dictated I leave my business? How petty? How shallow when compared to the recovery my husband was going through. That is the source of the shame, in addition to feeling I had failed. I belittled my pain at that time yet carried it with me.

When we push our emotions down and ignore or minimize them, they find ways to break through the surface in bursts. I know I erupted from time to time. The point of this blog is simple: give yourself the space to feel the grief. In my last blog, Behind the Mask: How We Keep Afloat Through Tough Times, I give tips on how to make that space for grieving.

But how many of us take the time to acknowledge the grief and loss we feel at work?

What kinds of loss happens at work?
Every person feels things differently. From my observations at work, from my clients, and from my own experience, these situations cause grief.

  1. Loss of business.
  2. Loss of clients.
  3. Loss of a colleague or colleagues (whether through death or a change in jobs).
  4. Loss of funding.
  5. Big changes such as re-organizations and mergers. People may need a moment to grieve over a time when they knew what to do and how to do it.

As individuals, we need to notice when our grief flares up. In my situation, I felt loaded down with rocks and the weight kept me from enjoying life. The heaviness disrupted my ability to be productive. And, worst of all, I had no control over when grief raised its head and upended my plans for the day, the week, the month.

How to Grieve A Business Loss?

  1. Treat it like any other loss. If your parent died, would you expect yourself to return to work the same day? No. If your business fails, take a moment to feel your in feelings.
  2. Your body knows. Listen to your body. If you feel fatigued, rather than pushing yourself forward, acknowledge the feeling. Ask your body what it needs. You might be surprised at the answers. You will be more productive when you go back to business.
  3. Talk to people. Expressing your feelings about your loss takes the thoughts out of your head and shares the load with another person. It will lighten and enlighten you.
  4. Listen to people. The more you listen to people, the more you will find commonalities and reassurances that you are not alone. You will also learn tricks and habits that helped them recover from their loss.

Tomorrow, we will repeat the “Behind the Mask” event as a webinar in conjunction with Chicago’s BACP (Business Affairs and Consumer Protection). I was moved by the experiences shared by the women on the panel and those individuals in attendance. When people share their wisdom, incorporate the those pearls into your way of life.

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Behind the Mask: How We Keep Afloat Through Tough Times

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

The MBT Blog is publishing a day early this time because tomorrow I participate in a panel of amazing #womenentrepreneurs discussing what goes on behind our masks. These are the masks everyone must wear occasionally when life or business makes it tough to continue. Behind our professional demeanors, tough circumstances make quitting, crying, and hiding attractive solutions. So we haul out a different version of ourselves who can smile, inspire, teach, and work with little evidence of the turmoil going on inside. How do we do that?

The more I talk with people, the more I see them grasping for ways to hold on, to be better, to succeed despite “all the things” needing their attention. Clients are managing their stress, their emotions, and their reactions to become better communicators and more productive. The skills involved can be taught and align perfectly with the tools of great leaders.

Mindset, mindfulness, and self-management are critical to succeeding behind the mask. First, set your mindset. Focus your thoughts on those necessary to motivate you. Then, increase your awareness of the moments in life. Be present when interacting with others and visualize positive outcomes when preparing for the next business encounter. Finally, understand what you need to manage your flaws. It is one thing to know how your weaknesses show up under stress and quite a different thing to manage them successfully.

Then where do we put the problems and feelings? We are all human. Feelings buried deeply over time are bound to burst out into the open to declare, “I am here! Acknowledge me!”

During my greatest difficulties in life, I schedule time for grief, anger, madness, and other strong emotions. I make a list of my goals for the day and plan to sit with my feelings when I finish. Then, when I feel the surge of sadness or anger coming on, I remind myself, “I scheduled an emotion hour at 2 p.m.” Does this system always work? No. But it does help me push through the “must-dos” of a specific day.

A dear friend suggested my participation in the Behind the Mask panel because she is aware of the hardship and grief I have experienced in the last few years. In fact, since opening MBT More Business Today at the start of 2021, I led the double life of caregiver to my sister who was ill and my mother who had dementia. After they died in 2023, I experienced a different kind of life-stopper, dealing with the grief of losing the two closest confidants in my life. Then at the end of last year, we experienced the tragic death of my 13-year-old grand niece, Gigi. Some tears refuse to wait until 2 p.m. to flow.

My journey has taught me so much especially during the last four years. Here is a list of thoughts for how to make it through.
1. You are not alone. Talk to people and listen to their stories. Ask for advice.
2. Notice your mood. If your body is begging you to rest, rest. I find my body is very much aware of which days are loaded with client work and which ones have fewer meetings. The big emotions or exhaustion tend to arrive on those days.
3. Be kind to yourself. This tip involves giving yourself some grace when you forget to do something or cannot complete a task. Yes, give yourself grace! But also be kind and helpful to yourself by setting yourself up for success. Schedule time in your calendar for reflection, rest, and/or emotions. Your mind will add the information to your inner calendar making it easier for you to push through the projects or meetings that must be completed.
4. Adopt the wisdom of others. As a coach, I learn from my clients each session. I am thrilled or impressed by new ways to express something and new tools to incorporate into my repertoire. After I try them out, I pass them along to others.
5. Give grace to others. Each person is dealing with something. Be kind then curious.

There is no way for us to know what goes on behind someone’s mask until they tell us. Who do you admire most? Why do you admire them? Ask some questions or do some research: what is going on behind their mask and how do they cope? Join us tomorrow in Oak Park, Illinois to hear our stories.

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What’s So Scary, and Great, About Role Playing?

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

When I use the words “role play” with clients, a wince or eyeroll is often the response. I could try saying “act out” or “playact” but I think those phrases are more off putting than role play. Is it not better to practice what you might say in an important conversation than to watch yourself spew something that sounded great in your head but is completely off target in the moment? You can almost see the words of the verbal oops! rushing out of your mouth. So, why not practice in advance?

Why is it scary? Clients tell me it is awkward to practice. They feel uncomfortable. They seldom listen to their own voices. And, they do not like being told to adjust what they are saying. Some find it easier to say what they are going to say and run. That way there is no feedback to hear. It will also impede your growth.

The more feedback you can incorporate, the better your skill becomes. It is the same as practicing anything: golf, singing, playing an instrument, learning a new language. You look to others to show you how to be better.

Some of the best uses for role playing in business, or practicing what you might say in advance, are the following:

  • Your elevator speech,
  • Stories about your accomplishments you might tell at a networking event or business meeting,
  • A pitch meeting,
  • A difficult conversation with an employee.

Clients generally thank me when we finish role-playing a conversation. The reactions go something like:

  • “Wow! I can’t believe I was going to lead with that statement!”
  • “I sounded so stupid!”
  • “Trying out the actual words I planned to say helped me think things through. I am so much more prepared now!”

Some people fear they will sound robotic if they rehearse a conversation. I understand the anxiety. But, practicing creates a safe space to try out your phrasing, keep the words that work best, and throw out the ones that are off point.

Here are a few tips for rehearsing while maintaining your authenticity:

  • Write down the top three points you want to make. Ask yourself, “What would I like the person on the other side of the conversation to remember?”
  • Read it out loud. You can read it to a colleague or friend or just to yourself. It makes a big difference to listen to your own voice speaking the words your wrote down.
  • Now, practice in front of a mirror. How do you look while you are talking? How do you feel about how you look? What do you notice? Are you looking down at the paper? Do you stumble on your words? In both cases, it could be that the words are not natural for you. Play with them until you feel more comfortable.
  • Finally, role play the conversation with another person (preferably a coach). They will give you feedback on how a conversation might proceed based on your approach.

Role playing is an important tool in self-awareness. Avoid the verbal oops! and try it out!

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Stages of Life: Unveiling Your True Self at Work

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

Every client I coach makes the point they want to be themselves at work. Some will express the desire to be their authentic selves. Many struggle with an atmosphere at work which seems to demand they behave outside of their comfort zone.

I thought about this dynamic recently while viewing “I’m Not There,” a movie about Bob Dylan (not the big Oscar-nominated film that’s out right now) from 2007. Cate Blanchett, Richard Gere, Christian Bale, Ben Winshaw, Heath Ledger and Marcus Carl Franklin all play Bob Dylan at different stages in his life.

A very interesting movie, for sure, and the kind I like most. I loved it for the creativity, the performances, and how it made me think for a long while afterward. I made myself a playlist of Bob Dylan songs, with Bob singing them, not that guy in the current movie. The more I listened, the more I thought about the movie, Bob Dylan, and myself. The lyric, “…it ain’t me, babe. It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for,” from his 1964 song kept ringing in my head.

If someone made a movie about me, which actor would play me? This question often creates amusing conversation. As I thought about “I’m Not There” and the different phases in my life, I wondered who I was at each stage. Would I recognize all of myself? Would the list of famous people acting like me also be eclectic like those in the movie? Maybe it would include Holly Hunter, Emma Watson, Bella Ramsey (from “The Last of Us”), Tilda Swinton and Ryan Gosling (because Gosling can do anything).

In fact, I was still thinking about the movie this morning, many weeks after watching it at home. I continue thinking about Dylan, too, one of the greatest poets of all time in my opinion. But as I thought of all the stages of my life and the different faces I have worn, I wondered which ones were authentically me. Which Mary would they be looking for? Which Mary’s went against the grain for me? When did I cave in and operate outside of myself? When did I feel the most right? Which parts of each of them make my authentic self today?

Who Am I Now?
The deeper question is who am I now? At this moment in my life, what does it mean to speak with my authentic voice? When working with clients, I ask them what it means to them to be their authentic selves. As the business coach, I generally hear them say that being “salesy” is not authentic for them. They do not want to be perceived as high-pressured sales people. As a leadership coach, I hear the words “confident and approachable” most often. Authenticity to many leaders means projecting confidence and inclusiveness.

Not all clients can articulate what is authentic for them. It is more of an I’ll-know-it-when-I-see-it situation. So, we try things on. We explore their words of authenticity.

For example: How would you open a difficult conversation with an employee? Now ask yourself, how will those words be heard by the person across the table from you? Then, try different ways to communicate your message. What feels the most comfortable for you and is likely to be heard by your employee?

An Approach
Some individuals prefer to tackle these questions by reconstructing situations where they did not feel authentic in their actions or conversations. As a coach, I guide them through the identification of the circumstance and the words they used in a specific situation. This method creates an opportunity for the person to discover the best way to communicate their message.

There are so many variables in any conversation. It is not possible to prepare for every situation. This is why finding your authentic voice is so important in developing business and leading a team.

Self awareness is key to being authentic while being professional. While your authentic self may enjoy swearing as a colorful form of expression, you know it is not acceptable to speak with that authentic voice in the office. So, here is an exercise to look at the stages in your life and cull together the pieces that are now your authentic self.

An Exercise
This should be a fun internal escapade rather than a deep, serious dive. Grab a notepad. Get comfy. Enjoy this bit of unscientific self-discovery.

1. Looking at the various stages of your life, what faces did you wear?
For me, the answers include roles and descriptive words about me. Coach, director, supervisor, strategist, business owner, advisor, dreamer, writer, singer, newsletter designer, editor, wife, sister, mom, friend, confidant, fun-seeker, animal lover, ally, supporter. The list could continue, but you get the idea.

2. As you look at the list, find the defining moments. Those bright or dark moments where you found yourself in the right place or the wrong place tell you so much about yourself. One bright moment for me came in the form of my son, who I adopted. That was the best decision! The dark moments tend to be the ones where I am snappy with others due to feeling overwhelmed.

3. Make a list of words you like to use which align with your values. As I mentioned above, my clients know which words express authenticity for them and which do not. Grab on to those words that illuminate who you are, the words that easily come to mind for you. Then, look at those moments mentioned above. Sprinkle the descriptors that best illustrate your intentions now. Finally, write down the words that best match with a few situations at work and in other situations. Are you finding your authentic voice?

For example, words that rise up for me are supporter, connector, and guide. If I feel myself going astray of those words, I can recognize it and pull myself back into the core of my self: who I am now.

If you try the exercise above, you will find the space from which your actions and communications begin and end. Some clients have a good sense of their values and how those show up in everyday life and work life. How about you? Was the exercise helpful to you? And, which actors would play you in a film about your life?

Subscribe to the MBT Blog for more mindful insights about business and leadership. We publish every other Thursday. Our next blog comes out on February 20.

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What’s Old Is New. What’s New Is New. What’s Meh Is Gone.

In the first few days of 2025, I endeavored – as I usually do – to clean the most cluttered parts of the house a bit each day. One hour per day will surely omit the necessity for larger cleaning days, right? I reasoned with myself. During that process, I came upon my favorite framed picture of my son. The one with the cutest smile in the world when he was only five years old. Distracted, I brought it to the living room. I spent some time – okay, a full hour – rearranging things so that it now occupies a prominent spot in my office.

My tendency to become distracted dictates the rituals and routines I must have in place to be productive. Hence (I love the word hence, don’t you?), I use time blocking to arrange my work in doable chunks that allow for distraction. At the same time, it keeps me on track with the activities I must do to be effective.

As I look at the blank page of the possibilities in this new year, my habit of time blocking stays in my repertoire of methods that keep me on track. Several years ago, I wrote a blog post about The Beauty of the Blank Notebook. Follow the link to read those ideas.

Today I am thinking about some old and good advice. Basically, when you are evaluating your life, business, career, and paths to success, do more of what is working for you; eliminate what is not working; and adopt only one or two new methods. Have you gone through this process? It is a helpful technique in clearing the cobwebs that may exist from too many new ideas or in breaking out of the stuckedness you may feel in the present. (As you might have noticed, I love words and also enjoy making up words. A joyous distraction for me.)

Do More of What Is Working for You.
As I noted in my example at the start of this article, taking large tasks and dividing them into smaller chunks works for me. Many of my clients adopt different types of routines which work better for them. Some must work on a project until it is complete. For them, prioritizing activities is essential to their success.

Another important use for this concept stems from developing business. What activities yielded the best results in 2024? By all means, let’s do more of that! Do not sacrifice what brings a high ROI (return on investment) because a new idea has taken hold. Keep the best!

Also apply the concept to leadership and building your team. What worked for you last year? Is your team more comfortable with their roles than they were in the past? Great! Now, what would be helpful to them this year? Ask them.

Eliminate What Is Not Working.
At the end of 2024, I, once again because I do it every year, evaluated the organizations and events in which I participated. What was my goal in participating? Did I receive an ROI from my involvement? The ROI comes in different forms depending on my goal. That is why having goals is so important. As I built my 2025 budget of both my time and my finances, I eliminated a few events and an organization.

Am I sorry to see these investments disappear? Not really. The elimination piece of my strategy is one based in logic and data. For me, as a big Feeler and Intuitive (in Meyer’s Briggs terms), I tend to go with my gut and an evaluation of the impact on people when I make decisions. When it comes to my business success, however, I lean into facts and figures.

Once again, many of my clients make decisions differently from me. For them, and for everyone, it is important to understand the motivation that spurs them to accomplish tasks.

Adopt Only One or Two New Methods.
The reasoning here comes from the reality of what happens when anyone (except maybe people like Leonardi da Vinci and Jim Henson) attempts to start and complete many new initiatives at once. The situation may begin well and offer hope, but somewhere a few months in, the tracks begin to cross. A collision is sure to derail all of the initiatives.

As you brainstorm for new methods of self-improvement, new lines of revenue, new industries of potential clients, and new tactics to increase employee engagement and retention, pick the best ONE or TWO ideas. Then, flesh out a real plan for each one complete with the who will lead, who will execute, who will measure success, and how it will be measured. And, if the answer to all those who’s is you, please only pick one initiative!

As I embarked on this new year, one item creating struggle and immobility for me was the content and direction of this blog. I have just shy of one thousand ideas regarding the topics of excitement in MBT blogdom. (Is that another invented word?) I sat with it, my confused, overstimulated state of mind, for a few weeks. Then, I picked one direction and moved forward.

The moral or punchline or directive or learning of this entire blog today is: Give yourself time. Give yourself grace. Give yourself what you need. Then, make a decision and Move Briskly Toward your success.

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Reflections on 2024

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

As 2024 closes, most of us are busily preparing for end-of-the-year parties and gatherings, spending real time with our communities of people who know us, and possibly trying to meet a few new connections to add to our network for next year. Maybe reflection will happen on January 2, 2025.

Recently, I was fortunate to stay in a resort in Colorado for a few days as I worked with a new client to kickoff our training and coaching initiative. Just like the woman in the photo, I spent a few hours gazing at the mountains (we don’t have them here in Wisconsin). Calm and serenity washed over me freeing my mind for reflection. My hope for all of you who read this blog is you pause, find a cozy or reflective spot, and give your mind the freedom of thought.

As The Mindful Business Coach, I pause today to relay to all my readers the reflections gathered from my own experiences, wisdom shared with me by clients and communities in 2024, and, of course, the lessons learned by the stars of this year’s blog posts, David and Norah.

Who You Work With Is As Important As What Your Work Is

Both David and Norah realized in 2024 the truth of this statement. For them, work needs to be fulfilling, but of equal importance to them is the community at work and sharing values in the workplace. Once Norah became Director of Diversity for her company and began working directly with the CEO, she felt empowered to create an inclusive environment and felt good about her job and the environment it offered. For David, however, the more success he gained in his law firm, the more apparent it became that opportunities were not shared equally among those working so hard to succeed. He questioned his environment even as he realized he was one of the chosen to receive opportunities. He still contemplates leaving the firm and opening his own firm focused on inclusivity.

To Speak Up or Not to Speak Up

David struggled with the guilt and unfairness of receiving multiple chances to move up in his organization while the women and minority colleagues did not. David decided to speak up and was surprised by the reaction. It reminded him of bullies in middle school. The administration knew about the issues but expected the kids to work it out among them. Basically, nothing happened to stem the bullying from a systemic level. It was up to the kids to stand up for each other or ignore those receiving the bullying. “Nothing changes,” David thought. “It’s still up to me to speak up and hope that someone will speak up for me when I am on the receiving end of unfair treatment in the future.”

Words carry baggage; they are rarely neutral.

Here is the rest of the quote from Judith E Glaser, author of Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results . “Words carry a history of years of use. Each time another experience overlays another meaning, and it all gets collected somewhere in our brain – ‘the vault’ – it’s there, ready to be activated during a conversation.”

Throughout the blog posts this year, our heroes, David and Norah, struggled with, prepared for, soul searched, and practiced conversations. They understood the concept from Conversational Intelligence “Words Create Worlds.” Culture exists on multiple levels and words carry meaning based on culture – from work experience, from work environments, from upbringing, and from personal experience. Remaining curious and self-aware to notice the impact of words and to ask for clarification led them both to higher levels of conversation and understanding throughout the year.

Prepare for A Conversation: Gently, Truthfully

Both Norah and David looked to their mentors for advice on how to approach a much-needed, volatile conversation with their father. As Edgar, David’s boss and mentor cautioned, “Know what you are aiming for.” Norah’s mentor, Sherri, gave similar advice. Before embarking on a difficult conversation, know what outcome you want to achieve. The acknowledgement of the goal creates the tone of the conversation. For Norah and David, the goal was to forge a stronger relationship with their dad and, ultimately, create a happier family life. They adopted the mantra gentle truth as a constant reminder to approach their dad with love, patience and curiosity. Their hard work paid off and the group has plans for a family Christmas and Kwanzaa!

“It is so easy to give advice to others, and so difficult to take your own advice.” Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach

Ever have that experience when you do not know how to proceed with a challenge and a friend or colleague spouts advice that basically came directly from you? That phenomenon, “Physician heal thyself,” reminds us how each of us needs support. Community heals and lights the way. Sometimes we are the sage, and sometimes we need the sage.

Breathe.

Finally, slow down and take a breath. Did you notice you stopped breathing during an anxiety-instilling situation? Or, maybe your breathing had become shallow but you did not notice. Take a moment. Schedule time on your calendar to stop and breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Relax your shoulders. Where do you feel the effects of 2024? Massage that area gently. Acknowledge the positive and negative of the year. Then let it go.

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Will He Start His Own Law Firm? David Seeks Advice.

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

What does it take to make a change? How do you know when to take a big risk and when to stick with status quo? The truth lies inside of each individual. Before making that leap, explore inwardly and outwardly. Ask yourself the important questions and look to friends and research for advice and information.

Since our last blog, David continued thinking about the advice he received from Sherri. “Who you work with is as important as what your work is.” To read that post, follow the link to Who You Work with Is as Important as What Your Work Is. “Sherri is so wise,” he thought. “Who do I want to work with? I know, I should start my own firm and select my own people. That way, I can make sure everyone gets the same opportunities. We won’t be cut throat about who gets credit for the work. We’ll share the clients!”

In his excitement, David first talks to the head of his practice group at work, Edgar. Taking his mentor’s advice, David decides to seek the wisdom of his friends and family. He sends out invites for a cocktail hour at his house.

As soon as Sherri receives the invitation from David, she calls his half-sister, Norah. “Did you see this? I got an email from David with an invitation to advise him on his next move. What is this about?”

“You received one, too? I have not talked with him for a bit, but he said you inspired him to look for a new job or start his own firm.” Norah replies.

“I inspired him, huh? Well, he was not happy at work and we talked about his community there. That must be what he meant. Okay, I’m happy to be there. Want to ride together?” Sherri asks and they make plans to attend.

Upon their arrival, Sherri expresses surprise regarding David’s apartment. “I thought this would be swanky and posh with a doorman and all that. How long has he lived here?” she asks.

“He’s been here a few years. He’s paid well, but he wants to pay off his college loans as fast as possible. But this suits him, just a regular apartment for David. No frills. He’s not an indulgent sort of guy.”

“Now that you say it, that’s true. He is more interested in talking than in anything else!” Both women laugh as Sherri says this. David often admits one of his flaws is forgetting to breathe while he is talking and not making space for others to join the conversation.

Once inside, Sherri notices an adequately furnished apartment – tan chairs and a couch in the living room accented with glass side tables and lamps made of silver metal with dark brown shades. A few prints hang on the walls giving a pop of color. They are clearly the kind you find at a large discount store, abstract featuring dark reds, yellows, and browns. The biggest surprise to Sherri is the abundance of photos hung on the walls and placed on most of the surfaces. Pictures of David with his dad, and his sister, and David with his friends – so many friends – seem to be everywhere you look.

Once everyone is seated in the living room with a drink and a plate of cheese, crackers, hummus, pita, and olives, David takes the floor. “Thank all of you for being here tonight. Your support means so much to me. Have you all met?” Seeing a shaking of heads, he directs everyone to say who they are, how they know David, and why they are here.

The guests include:

  • Tony, David and Norah’s dad. He is in his 60s and has the same tousled hair as David, except his is a combination of silver and gray.
  • Norah, David’s half-sister. The bright copper pantsuit she wears compliments her cinnamon skin perfectly. She is often soft-spoken, but is learning to speak up and stand up for herself.
  • Sarah, David’s mother. Impeccably dressed in a black pantsuit accented by a jewel-tone blue, silk blouse that perfectly matches her eyes. Sarah is tall, blond, and uncomfortable. She is seldom in the room with her ex-husband, Tony. She vows to stay focused and do her best to help her son.
  • Edgar, David’s boss and mentor at work. Edgar is a tall, charismatic man with dark, chocolate colored skin, a full black beard, and wisps of silvery gray dotting his sideburns. He had immediately introduced himself personally to everyone in the room before sitting down. He is excited to see how this gathering plays out.
  • Paul, David’s best friend, is an IT developer. Tall and good looking, he wears a scruffy beard, blue jeans and polo shirts everywhere he goes. He is proud of his friend today. Paul had given David the advice awhile ago that he should speak up if he feels something at work goes against his values. You can read more about that conversation in, To Speak Up or Not To Speak Up: David’s Story.
  • Sherri, a friend of the family and mentor to Norah. Sherri, a short and slightly round woman with golden brown skin, is filled with anticipation at being here. She marvels how her words to this young man in a conversation several weeks ago resulted in a gathering like this. Norah, David’s half-sister.
  • And, Pete, another of David’s close friends. Pete is a short guy of average build with dark hair who resembles lots of short guys of average build with dark hair. That is fine with him. He prefers to keep quiet unless he is with good friend who he trusts. An associate at a competing law firm, Pete has been successful in developing business because his great observation skills help him he pick up non-verbal cues from others in any room. He notices immediately that Sherri and Sarah are a bit uncomfortable.

David continues speaking, “I Invited you all here because you know me best. I am thinking about going out on my own to start a new firm. I am looking for advice from all of you. There is no need to worry about the logistics, I am working with Edgar on that. What I am looking for is your feedback on my leadership capabilities. Can I do this? Do you think I have what it takes? What do I need to do to improve myself?” Everyone notices how excited David is. Energy generates from him to such an extent, the air feels electric. His sandy hair is tousled more than usual. He speaks even more quickly than his everyday breathless communication.

“Now, son, I don’t want to seem harsh, but are you crazy?” Tony asks and waves his hand to calm down the group who are ready to attack his position. “Look how young he is! Establish yourself first. Then when you have some experience under your belt and money in the bank, start your business. C’mon, help me out here!” Seeing most of the room, including his ex-wife shaking their heads no at him, he gestures to Edgar, the only man in the room close to his age. “C’mon Edgar. You see what I’m saying, right?”

Edgar nods, “I do see your point, Tony. However, I see a great deal of initiative on David’s part. I have also seen growth and a willingness to improve. I am interested in his perspective and those of the others in the room. For now, I am withholding any judgement.”

Paul speaks up, “Well, I don’t know where this will go, but I’m all for David making a change. No offense to you or your firm, Edgar, but I know he experienced some conditions he felt were unfair to women and minorities there.” Paul nods to Edgar to show his respect before turning to his friend, “David. I know you are a good-hearted, decent guy. Will you be a good leader? Yes, with help and more experience. What better way to get the experience than out on your own? Since Edgar has been mentoring you, I have seen positive changes in your awareness of other people. And, since Norah opened the doors to real conversations in your family, I’ve watched you embrace meditation! You can do whatever you want to do and I will be here to support you.”

There was an uncomfortable silence in the room and Paul wonders whether something he said has created some kind of tension.

David notices Sarah’s face turn pale and speaks up, “Thank you for the endorsement, Paul. I don’t think everyone here knew about the family conversations. Mom?” Sarah looks at him with worried eyes. “No? Sorry, mom. I will tell you about it later. What do you think about me becoming the leader of my own firm?”

Sarah smooths the material of her pants and clears her throat before speaking. “You have always been a natural leader, David. When you were a boy, all the other boys looked to you to decide what game to play at recess, what movie to see, and, later, what girl to ask to Homecoming. I am with Pete. I know you can do this.”

David smiles with relief, at least one parent is in his corner. Sarah continues, “From a business standpoint, you need to write down a list of pros and cons to this. What will you do without a paycheck? How will you pay your bills? Where will you get the work? Do you have a business plan?”

“You are right on target with all of that mom. I wanted to get first impressions first. Then, after some reflection, I will decide on the next step.” He stoops down to kiss her cheek and whispers, “I will take you out to lunch and fill you in on what’s been happening with Tony.” He then turns to Sherri.

“Sherri. You have been silent this whole time. I really value your opinion. What do you have to say?” David now stands directly in front of Sherri, who has barely taken a sip of her tonic water and lime. He noticed her brow wrinkling during the conversation. Sherri is known for speaking her mind, so he wonders what is holding her back tonight.

“Well,” Sherri pauses for several beats and then looks David in the eye. “I hear you talking about your personal skills, and I keep thinking, what is it you are trying to achieve? Now I know you and I talked about finding your community at work, but have you decided who is in that community? What is the culture you are trying to create?”

Tony nods and claps his hands briefly. “Yes. What are you trying to achieve? Why not just change to a different firm. Like Pete’s, maybe. What’s it like at your firm, Pete?”

Pete had been sitting with his head lowered desperately hoping to melt into the couch and go unnoticed. Now he has to respond. “Well,” he clears his throat and then speaks abruptly. “My firm is the same as David’s. Good luck finding something different. That being said, I agree with you, Tony. I can’t imagine taking such a huge risk so early in my career. Of course, David can and should do what he wants to do.”

A brief discussion ensues during which Tony, Pete and Paul are having one conversation, Sherri and Sarah are having another, and Edgar is observing them all. David looks over to Norah and motions toward the kitchen with his head. Once they are alone together there, David pours Norah a new glass of wine and asks, “What do you think, Norah?”

“I think I can’t believe you have all those people talking about you in the other room!” She laughs, “Really David, is this a cry for attention?”

“Okay, I deserve that. C’mon. What do you think?” he asks this urgently, like a little boy who just discovered a new video game and must buy it right now.

“I think you have more thinking to do. Take some time to consider all the questions your mom and Sherri raised. This would be a big move. You need to make sure you are ready,” she says this softly and gently.

“I know! But I want it to happen right now!” David says. They both laugh and return to the living room to join the conversations. Edgar is putting his coat on to leave. He gives David a brief handshake and says, “Let’s talk about this more next week when I’m back in the office. I have an early flight tomorrow.”

As each person files out, David’s mom reminds him to schedule their lunch, Tony shrugs and reminds him not to be late for meditation next week, and Paul claps him on the back. Finding himself alone in his apartment, he is happy with the evening. He managed his emotions pretty well until he was alone with Norah, he reflects. He did not have a panic attack. He smiles thinking about this and sits down with his journal to write out his immediate thoughts. He will go over them again over the weekend and decide on his next steps.

Tune in next time to learn more about David’s decision. What would you do?

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Who You Work with Is as Important as What Your Work Is

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

As we begin today’s blog, our friend Sherri sits quietly and ponders her life over the last 20 years. “How am I?” she murmurs out loud, then says again, “How AM I?” emphasizing the word am. Her friend Tony recently asked her this question. While she reflects, she also considers her life as a professional. An entrepreneur for two decades, Sherri grew her business by building relationships. She threw nearly all of herself into her business and her community. Eventually, the two things blended together and became her life. Now she contemplates whether her strategy was correct. Did it serve her well?

“Where do I fit into all of that as a person?” she wonders aloud to herself. She sits in her home office in her comfy overstuffed yellow, leather chair with a notebook on her lap. The notebook is simple, the kind you pick up at the local store. It bears no ornamentation or graphics. The cover is plain cardboard. The pages are lined. It is a no-nonsense, just-write-the-stuff-down kind of notebook. It suits her, her accounting business, and her mood today. “No nonsense, just write down what I am thinking,” Sherri murmurs to herself.

Sherri’s Thoughts – October 10, 2024
–I remember when I started my business. My mission was to bring financial education and growth to my community. I threw myself into my community. I SHOWED UP!!! I bridged barriers and grew my business. Looking back, I absolutely succeeded. The question is, did I take care of myself as a person?
– I AM my business.
– I am a servant leader. I serve my team, my clients, my community and my family.
– How am I? I am Great! and I am Tired! and I am Happy! I love my life.

“What am I missing with this exercise?” Sherri wonders out loud. She thinks about the conversation she had with David, the son of a friend. (To read more about that, read Yes, But How Are You?) “He was right about how I filled my life with activity. Is it because I am avoiding something?” she says, again out loud. “I’m calling him,” she decides and dials him on her cell. Now, her cell phone is bejeweled because when she is out in public, she dresses. The bling on her phone reflects her outer persona.

“Hello, David? Yeah, it’s Sherri. I’m okay, but I don’t get this exercise you talked about with the journaling. What’s supposed to happen?” Sherri speaks louder than usual. This whole exercise is frustrating her.

David holds the phone a bit away from his ear as he listens. “Wow, Sherri is keyed up!” he thinks. David sits in his stark, functional office at his law firm. He never hung paintings or added anything personal to the office, because he remains unsure about his future there. “I am so glad you called, Sherri! I could use a little break,” he stands up and runs his fingers through his shaggy sandy, blond hair.

“Here is what happened to me,” David says. “In the beginning, I started writing things down and I kind of thought it was stupid. But, the more I did it, the more I realized there were situations I never thought about. Things I did not want to think about. For me, that contributed to my panic attacks. Now, you never had a panic attack, so I would think it might be different for you.”

“Uh-huh. That’s right. I never had a panic attack. I am a very busy person. I do see value in reflection, though. You know, when I built my business, I did a great job. Things were not easy and I worked hard, but that is okay. I was working for me, you know,” she pauses to listen to his words of agreement. “Now, I am thinking about what is next? My kids are grown and out of the house.”

“Yes, that is something to think about. I am thinking that for myself right now. I am not sure if this law firm is the place for me,” David’s voice trails off as he says this.

“You’re talking to me in your office aren’t you? That’s why you’re talking so quietly,” Sherri laughs her deep, throaty laugh at this. “Well, who you work with is as important as what your work is, you get me?”

“Yes, I get you. You’re saying this may not be the right community for me. How did you build your client base in your business?” he asks. David knows Sherri has a very successful business.

“You know, I was very intentional. I knew who I wanted to serve and I showed up in those spaces. Building trust is something you have to work at, it does not happen over night. Thinking back, I remember many nights when money was scarce and we were barely making it,” she chuckles. “Back then, I thought if I just kept moving, things would get better.” Sherri pauses for a few beats and David remains silent. They both sense a revelation coming,” That’s it! I was always moving and doing to drum up business and keep our heads above water. Maybe I don’t need to do that anymore. Ha!”

“I can feel you from here! Now you have given me something to think about. Who are the people I want to serve as a lawyer. Hmm. I never thought about it before,” David’s mind starts moving. He feels the gears in his head starting to move as if he just applied a dose of new clean, motor oil to them.

“Right. The who was pretty easy for me. I could have used some pointers on the how, though. In the beginning, I was doing everything I could do for anybody who would ask me. And, believe me, I was undercharging. That was a hard thing to reconcile, how to charge what I am worth and still serve my people. But over time, we both caught up with each other. The small minority businesses I served grew until they started telling me I should charge more. In the end, it all worked out,” Sherri’s face beams with nostalgia. “Now, what do I want this next portion of my business and my life to be? I am going to journal about that. Thank you, David!” Sherri is ready to hang up and move on now. The faster this call is over, the sooner she can write down everything in her mind.

“And I am going to think about who I want to serve as a lawyer. Believe me, this firm charges well for my services. I like my clients. The question for me is really about the environment. Who is in my working community? Thank you for the advice and the inspiration, Sherri!”

“Ha, ha! Who would have thought it! A young white man and an older black woman have so much to share with each other? You take care, David,” Sherri hangs up and picks up her journal with renewed enthusiasm.

David looks at the phone and laughs out loud. That is Sherri for you! He loves this new relationship with her. He is both being mentored and mentoring at the same time. Life is amazing!

Tune in next time as David continues his quest to determine whether he fits in at his current firm.

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Yes, But How Are YOU?

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

“How are YOU, Sherri,” the words Tony spoke a few weeks ago after a meditation class echoed in Sherri’s mind. “When was the last time someone asked me that?” she wondered. To read more about the meditation class, check out the last post of the MBT Blog, Learning to Slow Down.

Sherri – a short, slightly round woman with golden brown skin, black hair so short she was nearly bald, and a bling-centered sense of style – felt a bit shaken by the revelation. Soon, she would enter her sixth decade of life. This was a good time to start reflection. “What do I want out of life?” she thought.

Known for her nurturing yet direct nature and for her wisdom, Sherri spent much of her life caring for and advising others. She relished that role. She genuinely loved caring for people. The owner of a successful accounting business for more than 20 years, Sherri was known for her deep chuckle and her energetic nature. Now, she realized the time had come to slow down and reflect on this next chapter of her life.

Today’s MBT Blog could stand for My Brooding Thoughts, Meditative Beautiful Time, or even Mapping Beyond Today. Sherri surprised herself by reaching out to David, the son of her old friend Judith’s husband. Judith passed away years ago, and Sherri remained very close to Norah, the daughter Judith had with Tony, David’s father. It sounds much more complicated than it really was. The surprise to Sherri came because she was seeking insight not only from someone nearly 30 years younger than her but from a white man.

“Sometimes I think it is part of our nature. Just like you and I are both extreme extraverts, we also both have talkative minds!”

David from the MBT Blog

The two had bonded over a brief conversation at the end of the meditation class they attended with Norah and Tony. They both had expressed relief at finding another person at the class whose mind was a bit too busy to relax. Sherri was greatly interested in David’s experiences.

Today, all of us MBT Blog readers drop in on their conversation. They are meeting for a cocktail at a quiet, black-owned bar near Sherri’s home. Sherri feels comfortable here. The location is on her turf and she knows the owner and most of the staff. As David enters the room looking for Sherri, he notices he may be the only white person there. “A new experience for me,” he thinks before spotting Sherri at one of the tables.

They hug and David holds on longer than usual. He is so happy to see her! This is the Sherri he is used to. She is dressed to the hilt in a bright mustard, purple and green pantsuit accessorized with a sparkling thick gold, chain necklace at the end of which had a large gold medallion. Even her black flats were bedazzled.

“I am so glad you reached out!” David says rustling his sandy, thick hair with his right hand. “I was afraid to tell Norah and Dad that the meditation was not really working for me. I attend because I want to support Dad and be with them as a family because Norah really wants that. But it is so hard not to look at my phone for a full 45 minutes! What are you having. It looks good,” David says all of this in a rush as is his style. Then he sits down, consciously makes himself take a beat, then asks, “How are you?”

Sherri is laughing into her hand. Yes, this is the David she knows. Since he was a boy, when Judith married his father, he talked fast and barely took a breath. She held a special place for David in her heart because, after Judith died, David made the effort to support Norah, his half-sister.

“I am well, David, and happy I reached out, too. I am having a gin and tonic,” she says this flashing her brilliant smile. She is surprised David is dressed casually in jeans and a dark polo shirt. “Didn’t you work today? I would think those law firms would keep you dressed in an elegant suit every day!”

“I worked from home today,” David says. Seeing her raised eyebrow, he continues, “Every since COVID, firms realized it was okay to let people work from home. I am much more productive when there is no one around to talk with. Cheers!” David raises his bottle of beer and clinks with Sherri’s cocktail glass. “Now, how can I help you out? I am so excited to help you for a change. You are always lending a shoulder to Norah and countless people. What could you possibly need from me?”

Sherri holds up a hand, “Slow down will you? You are still quite the talker!” Sherri laughs her throaty laugh. Then she clears her throat, takes a breath, and continues. “I am intrigued with your lifestyle, David. When did you notice you had anxiety? What were the symptoms?” She pauses for a moment and David waits for her to continue. “When you mentioned all the thoughts moving through your head, I realized I have that, too.”

“I think a large percentage of people have that, Sherri. Once I started talking to people about it, many had similar stories. For me, I started having anxiety or panic attacks way back when Dad first married Judith. It started with this knot in the pit of my stomach. Then when I was in college, especially law school, it got to the point that my chest hurt and I could barely breathe. I learned to do breathing exercises from a nurse at the on campus health center,” David said all of this thoughtfully. Sherri could see he was remembering the feeling.

“Whenever I feel that way, I just pray,” she says. Most of the time it works, but attending that meditation class made me wonder. Why can’t I relax for more than a few minutes, unless I am sleeping, that is,” Sherri was serious now and leaned forward while saying this.

David leaned forward, too. “Sometimes I think it is part of our nature. Just like you and I are both extreme extraverts, we also both have talkative minds!” They both laughed at this.

“So if the meditation is not working for you and the breathing is not working for you, what are you doing?” Sherri asked.

“I am a bit embarrassed by it, but I am on a med for it. At the same time, I have never felt better. So, I guess I shouldn’t be ashamed or anything. Just, especially in the law firm world where I work, I do not want people knowing about this,” David said this in a lowered voice.

“I am with you on that,” Sherri replies. “Never let them see you sweat. Hide your weakness. That has always been my motto.” She pauses for a moment. “I also noticed, during the few minutes when my mind was quiet at the class, that I seldom think about myself. Then, right after, your dad asked me how I was. He said, without talking about the family or the business, how was I. I don’t often think about that. Does that seem strange to you?”

“Not really, Sherri. You are a giver. I have a number of friends, mostly women, who are like that – so busy helping everyone else that they forget about themselves. I never thought of you that way, though. You project so much strength and confidence that I guess I didn’t think about it. Anyway, what do you think about it? That is the important thing,” David spoke all of this quickly, in a rush again as was his habit.

Sherri nods at this. “I have read so many articles that say exactly what you just said. Who takes care of the caregiver? What is behind that pillar of strength, that kind of thing. I never associated any of it with me until now.”

“You know, Sherri. I think, and it is not just me, I have read about it too… I think all the talk in my head helps me avoid thinking about things that actually bother me. For me, some of it is about how I felt abandoned by Dad when he married Judith and then, even worse, when Judith died.”

“Thank you for sharing that with me David. We were all so worried about Tony and Norah that we did not think about you,” Sherri shakes her head. It seems each day of life brings a new revelation. “How did you identify the source of the things you were avoiding?”

“Thank you for listening, Sherri. I can’t seem to get myself to talk to Dad about it,” he pauses as she nods for him to continue. “Norah started talking to me about her feelings from childhood. Then I started journaling at the suggestion of my doctor. It all started to spill out. It has not been easy, but every time I talk about it, I feel a bit better afterward.”

“I am going to try journaling again. I tried once when I was younger, but I just never had the time for it,” she laughs at this. “I was too busy avoiding myself.” The two laugh together and continue talking about lighter subjects.

As she starts the drive home, Sherri smiles broadly and thinks to herself, “Thank you, Lord! Who would have thought I would learn something new from David!”

Tune in to the MBT Blog next time to learn more about Norah, David, Tony, and Sherri as they continue their journey toward bettering their lives.

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Learning to Slow Down

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

The last shimmer from the singing bowl dissipates through the carpeted room as Sherri gathers up her thoughts and belongings after her first meditation class. Tony, a stocky man with thick, silver hair steps over offering her a hand up from the floor. “How did you get up, Tony? You’re older than me!” she says with a laugh while raising a knee from her kneeling position, grabbing hold of Tony’s hand, and pushing herself upward to standing.

“David saw me rolling around on the floor and gave me some help,” Tony says laughing. His sparkling brown eyes remind Sherri of the Tony she used to know before his wife and her best friend, Judith, passed away.

“Meditation agrees with you,” Sherri says giving him a hug. It felt so good to see him happy again. To read more about Tony and his anxiety attacks, read Stress, Anxiety and Meditation and Success! Sunshine & Clouds!, previous MBT Blog posts.

Sherri experienced her own anxiety in anticipation of this class. All of the usual fears of doing something new made her tense up. Things like wondering what it would be like, would there be anyone there who looked like her other than Norah, and would she be able to sit on the floor for the entire 60 minutes. But, her bigger worry was would Tony have some kind of break down or panic attack during the meditation. Seeing him in front of her now, relaxed and smiling, made her so glad she came.

“It does! I am feeling better than ever. Hey, would you like to come back to the house for a decaf coffee?” Tony’s face glows while making this request.

“Sure. Norah, are you leaving? Give me a hug, girl,” Sherri says making her way to where Norah stands. Sherri is so proud of the loving, sophisticated woman Norah has become. She thinks about Norah’s mother, Judith, and how proud she would be of this strong, confident young lady. They embrace and Sherri sees that Norah is also glowing. “Thank you for inviting me,” Sherri pulls at her over-sized t-shirt when she says this, feeling uncomfortable in her sweats in public.

“We try to make it here every other week. You are always welcome to join us,” Norah says. “I wish I could stay to talk, but I have an early meeting tomorrow. Are we still on for lunch next Wednesday?”

“Yes, girl. I will see you then,” Sherri barely gets the words out before she is embraced in a big hug from David. She turns to see a smile on his face, but he is not exactly beaming like his dad and half-sister. Norah’s mother, Judith, was black and David’s mother, Sarah, was white. Even so, Sherri thinks the two half-siblings resemble each other. She returns the embrace. “How you doing, David?”

“I am feeling well. I don’t slip into this meditative state as easily as Norah and Dad. I have a very hard time turning off my phone. Don’t tell them, but work is in my mind the whole time. Although, today was better. I was completely relaxed for about 15 minutes,” David says this all in a rush and runs his fingers through his thick, sandy blond hair. Sherri sees the similarity between David and Tony, too – same hair, same smile, same nervous tousling of their thick hair, and, now, same problems with anxiety and panic attacks.

David is thinking how cute Sherri is in her dress-down clothes. She is short, round and slightly heavy, possessing a commanding presence. Sporting ultra-short, elegant hair, she wears clothes beautifully and is usually dressed to perfection. He looks down from his six foot height at Sherri thinking this was the first time he has ever seen her in sweats. The woman has been part of his life for so many years, he thinks of her as an aunt, a very close aunt, the kind you will tell about your gigantic problems with anxiety.

“I know what you mean. I was thinking about one of my clients. My mind cleared for a minute or two, especially when they played that spirit music or whatever you call it. Do they play music every time?” Sherri is relieved to talk with someone who is not glowing with relaxation and spiritual enlightenment.

“Yes. I actually do not notice it very much. For me, the breathing and the calming words help the most. When things are silent, my mind wanders. I do feel better though. Do you suffer from anxiety like me and Dad, Sherri?” David is surprised at his own ability to talk about his anxiety and panic. It seems the more he does it, the easier it gets.

“I did not think I did. I let go of my troubles at church! But this experience is so different. I want to give it another try. My revelation from this experience is my mind is always working on something. When the leader said to empty your mind and heart of those things weighing on you, I felt a great relief of some kind,” Sherri looks over to where Tony and Norah are saying their goodbyes.

“Let’s go!” Tony says as he puts his arm around Sherri.

“I’m on my way. I’ll meet you there,” Sherri says and gives David one last pat. “I hope to see you here again, David.”

On the drive to Tony’s house, Sherri thinks about how strange the evening was. All of them meeting up somewhere not to talk or celebrate. There they were, wearing sweat pants and t-shirts, or, in Norah’s case, a cute workout outfit in bright yellow and purple, sitting on the floor and not talking. Sherri laughs a big throaty laugh as she drives to Tony’s house. “How bizarre. And how wonderful!” She laughs and smiles all the way to Tony’s house.

Today’s MBT Blog could be called Meditation Builds (self)Trust or Meditating Brings Tranquility, or, in Sherri’s case, meditation Maybe Beneficial Time. Sometimes bonds strengthen in the silence of shared experience. As they drive to their homes, both David and Norah think of how much closer they were now as a family. Norah remembers how scared she was a few months ago to talk frankly with her dad and half-brother about her otherness. As a bi-racial teenager without a mother, Norah often felt like an outsider in the presence of her own family. Now, she cherishes the times spent together and feels hopeful about the future.

When Tony opens the door inviting Sherri into the house, she realizes the last time she visited was soon after Judith, Tony’s wife, passed away. She feels a pang deep in her chest remembering those days. Tony stares at her with tears in his eyes.

“Were you thinking about the last time you were here, Sherri? I know I was. I have come a long way!” Tony stretches and motions Sherri to sit at the kitchen table. “Cream?”

“No, thank you. Tony, is it okay if I get right into it with you?” she asks directly.

“Of course. You would not be you if you beat around the bush,” he chuckles and sips his coffee. “What do you want to ask?”

“What happened when you went to the hospital? I mean, you had panic attacks before, so what made that time different?” Sherri pauses and waits patiently for Tony to respond. He runs his fingers through his thick, shaggy hair.

“Well, I usually would sit still and breathe a few times – when I felt the panic coming on my chest would tighten up. Sometimes, I would call my friend Sam, which I did this time. He lives pretty close. When he saw the breathing wasn’t working, he took me to the ER. It was worse this time. I could not get my breath back. So, we were afraid it was a heart attack.” Tony pauses and looks into the distance for a few seconds. “I was pretty embarrassed at the hospital. The kids came rushing in, thinking I was dying. Then, the doctor made me come clean to them and tell them I suffer from anxiety.”

“I see you. Sometimes, when no one is looking, I close myself in a room and pray, pray, pray. It usually helps me calm my mind and leave it in the hands of the creator. Sometimes, though, I need more. I cannot slow my mind down. I get overcome with worry,” Sherri pauses and looks into the distance this time. “I am not sure what I think of all of this, but I do see you are finally in a peaceful place.” She leans forward and pats Tony’s hand.

Tony looks her directly in the eye and says, “Sherri, if there is something, anything, out in the world to help us feel better, to help us heal, to help us, you know, help us live, I am grabbing on to it and sharing it with everyone I meet.” Tony covers Sherri’s hand with his own. “How are you Sherri?”

“Well, the business is going strong and Ethan just started college..” Sherri starts her reply and is quickly interrupted by Tony.

“Not the business and the kids, Sherri, how are you?” he says in a gentle, caring voice.

Now, people seldom ask Sherri how she is. This sweet gesture from Tony immediately brings tears to Sherri’s eyes. “How am I?” she replies, accentuating the last word. “I am worn out to tell you the truth, Tony.” Sherri laughs. She laughs some more until they are both laughing. They continue talking for an hour or so. “I will definitely see you at the next meditation class!” she says as she leaves the house.

The beauty of connecting shines through today’s blog story. Take a few moments to breathe and reflect on a connection you made.

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Stress, Anxiety, and Meditation

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

As someone who suffers from anxiety, I often reflect on the reasons I waited so long to acknowledge it and treat it. It was one of those areas in my life that signaled weakness. If I gave in and talked about it, I was letting them – the nebulous them, the globs of people known and unknown who might judge me – see me sweat. And in my world, letting my fragility show brought on more anxiety.

In our last blog, both David and his father, Tony, were experiencing panic attacks. Just like me, they spent most of their lives hiding the crippling manifestation of their reactions to stress. To read more about their circumstances, check out last week’s blog, Success! Sunshine and Clouds. Today’s MBT blog could be called My Buried Truth or Making Blemishes Transparent.

Today we join Norah as she meets her friend and mentor, Sherri, for coffee. Norah sips her usual latte while listening to the jazz music playing. This is her happy place. A black-owned café run by a locally famous jazz drummer and his wife, owner of a successful beauty business for more than 30 years.

Norah spies Sherri looking beautiful in an orange African print pantsuit. Her golden skin gleams against the fabric. She is wearing her signature, a large medallion necklace of gold, silver and purple.

“How are you, baby?” Sherri says kissing Norah on the cheek and squeezing her hand. “Thank you for this,” she says, holding up the mocha Norah ordered for her. “How’s your dad?”

“He didn’t have a stroke! It turns out, he has been having panic attacks for years. He just never told us. Now he and David are taking a meditation class together!” Norah says this with so much energy, Sherri feels the force of it across the table. Norah’s personality is quiet and she seldom raises her voice. “Today is momentous, indeed,” Sherri thinks.

“Now, hold on. You must back up and tell me more. Tony is meditating?” she laughs a deep, throaty laugh ending with a harumph. “This I have GOT to see!”

“Okay, I’ll tell you more of the story. I am just so excited to see the men in my life opening up. You know how men can close themselves off sometimes. I was sitting in a restaurant with David and I could see he was starting to have a panic attack. I just finished talking him through it and was driving home when I get a call from Dad’s friend, Sam, telling me to meet him at the hospital and bring David. He thought Dad was having a heart attack.

So, I rush there and meet Sam because Dad is having tests and is not in his room at the ER. Then Sam tells me Dad suffered from panic attacks his entire life! Can you believe that? Sam knew this thing about Dad and we did not have a clue. I asked Sam why Dad never got treatment for it, and he said it was because he was embarrassed about it.” Norah says all of this in a big expulsion of breath and then sits back shaking her head.

“Well, now I knew he was an absolute mess after your mother died, but now that you tell me this, it makes sense. He seemed to keep everything bottled up inside. That is how he handled things when people commented on your mom and him being an inter-racial couple. He would not talk about it. We thought he was cold or stubborn. Sounds like he was suffering silently,” now Sherri is shaking her head. The two sit together in silence for a few minutes.

“That is a lot to think about right there,” Sherri says wiping a tear away from the corner of her eye. Norah fills up with love for Sherri. The woman can be rough sometimes but underneath she is all heart.

“I feel for him,” Norah says. And now David is dealing with the same thing. We were sitting by Dad’s hospital bed when the doctor came in to give the test results. After telling us everything was fine and normal, he asked Dad if he suffered from anxiety. Dad just nodded. Then the whole secret was out. I spoke up and told the doctor that David also had a panic attack the night before. Now Dad is on a medication for anxiety and going to a meditation class. He invited David to join him and David said yes! It is all so incredible.

Here is the best part though. As we were leaving, Dad put his arm around David and said, ‘Son, let’s tackle this together. I do not want to see you suffer the way I have all these years.’ It was beautiful!” Norah sighs as she finishes and pauses to remember the moment. When she closes her eyes, she can see the two of them, the men she loves the most in her life, her family, walking arm in arm out of the hospital. A favorite moment she cherishes.

“Norah, that is an amazing experience.” Sherri stands up and moves to the other side of the table to sit next to Norah. She pulls her close in a side embrace. “Sounds like they are on their way to better times.”

Sherri is curious. “How does meditation help? I understand how controlling your breathing can help, but what else happens?”

“Meditation helps people clear their minds. I have only done it once or twice, but in Dad’s class, they play restful music and the leader talks through relaxing the body and clearing the mind. It definitely leaves me feeling calmer and clearer,” Norah says.

Then Sherri pauses, takes a breath, and says quietly, shyly, “Do you think I could call Tony and ask to join his class? I think I could benefit from a little meditation, too.”

Norah is surprised by this. “Yes, of course. I am joining them next week. Would you like me to pick you up?” They spend the rest of their coffee date planning.

Have you ever meditated? What do you do to relieve stress? Tune in next time to learn more about Tony’s meditation class.

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Success! Sunshine & Clouds

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Remember your first big business success? What did you do? How did you feel? Elated? Let down? Excited? Afraid? David, one of our main characters in this year’s MBT blog, feels all of those things and more.

As you rightly assumed from the title of today’s blog, David won the work from his first business pitch for his law firm. However, now the real work begins. The work, he discovers, requires all his skills, legal and otherwise. The legal work has barely begun and already the team, the firm, and the client are making him wonder why he wanted this.

In a last grab at enjoying the summer, David meets Norah on the patio of an Italian restaurant. The aroma of fresh basil fills the air. An intricately woven wicker gazebo covers the seating area allowing glints of sunlight to sparkle through while a soft breeze creates a warm, dreamy atmosphere.

“This place is beautiful,” Norah says after offering David a quick hug. “It seems we are celebrating something.” She smiles teasingly when saying this. David was too excited to wait for the dinner to tell her the story of his successful pitch. To read about the pitch, follow this link to Empowering Change: David’s First Pitch for New Business.

“Yes! Come on, sit down. I already ordered champagne, for real,” David was dressed in an expensive, slate gray suit, Norah noticed it immediately. And Norah, David noticed, wore a pink, silk pantsuit.

“New suit?” Norah asked.

“Yes. I splurged and bought it as soon as I won the work!” David waits for the beverages to be poured before continuing. Norah notices he thanked the waiter and made eye contact, too. “Norah, it was so exciting, and hard, too. I worked so hard to select exactly the right team for the meeting with the client. The fact that it was Paul’s company made me more nervous. You know, I did not want to do something boneheaded and embarrass him. We set our strategy and practiced what we would say in the meeting. It was thrilling!” David says this in a rush and stops to hold up his glass of champagne.

“Cheers to me and to you and to our careers and our family!” he says with enthusiasm. They clink glasses. Norah laughs as she sips her sparkling wine.

“You look different,” David says to her. “Calm? Happy? What’s going on?”

“I do? David you made the perfect toast! I am in a great place with my career and with our family,” Norah replies and leans forward. “My new position as Director of Diversity may be the best thing that ever happened to me. The CEO and I talk several times each week. The staff embraced my role and so many people come to me to talk about our culture. Even the head of HR, you know the one who was so stiff and judgmental before, speaks to me with respect now. She offers her support and gladly takes on the projects I give her.” Norah giggles as she says this.

“Seriously? I am surprised by her turnaround. Do you believe she is sincere?” David’s expression of concern comes from years of seeing the opposite from women in business. He expects non-supportive behavior and has seen the evidence of a knife in the back many times.

“I believe she is sincere. I was guarded at first. She told me how she never felt like she belonged at any job. She told me how she was isolated by being a woman executive among men and then by being the supervisor to the rest of the staff. She wants to pave the way for other women in her position. And she wants to feel like she is part of the team,” Norah says this thoughtfully.

“Okay, I’ll take your word for it,” David stops talking and looks at his phone. His face falls from happiness to deep concern. He runs his free hand through his hair and texts with the other one.

“Is something wrong?” Norah asks. His immediate change of expression worries Norah. David is usually the untroubled sort. Most obstacles seem to roll off him as he embraces optimism in most situations – unless they involve their father, Tony. He was also strangely pessimistic about her work friend, Ruth, the head of HR. “David, what is going on with you? I thought this was a celebration dinner.”

“Nothing, it is just a work thing. Order whatever you want from the menu. I’m paying. Order the bass for me and some antipasti. Whatever you want. I have to make a phone call,” David says and leaves the table.

Nearly 20 minutes later, David returns. Half a caprese salad is left on the table and the waiter is serving the entrees. “I am so sorry. I had to handle something,” David says as he sits back down. He stares off into the distance for such a long time it causes Norah to turn and look.

“What are we looking at?” she says.

“What? Oh, nothing. It’s just this staffing issue with the project I brought in. I want to use the person on my team who came to the pitch. You know, the person who actually helped win the work. But the partner supervising her says she does not have enough time to work on the project. I just talked to him,” he looks down at his phone and continues. “And the client is breathing down my neck. Our kick off meeting is planned for early next week and they want the entire team there. I have to bring this person, Wanda. The client loves her. And now, I don’t know what to do,” he stares off into space again. “I’m sorry. Let’s get back to our celebration.” He eats a bit of tomato and fresh mozzarella from the salad plate and his phone rings. He sighs, waves a finger to Norah signifying “one minute” and answers. Then he smiles. “All taken care of! Edgar jumped in and Wanda is back on the team.”

“Are you okay? I thought you were going to have a panic attack. Your face went pale and then turned red. Your eyes were doing that restless thing where they flit back and forth when the phone rang again. You look clammy,” Norah says and reaches out a hand to place on top of his. His skin is indeed damp and sticky.

David brushes some sweat from his brow and nods. “I am okay. My panic attacks are becoming more frequent, though. When I found out I won this piece of work I thought I was in the home stretch. I thought my quest for partnership was secure. Now I find out the collections won’t hit the firm until next fiscal year, so partnership is out this year. And, everyone involved is arguing. The associates are too busy or they are not busy enough. The client can’t decide on the agenda for the kickoff meeting. Partners are mad at me for using their associates. And we have not even started the work yet!”

“That sounds like a lot. Did you write a plan or a timeline for how the work will be done?” When David shakes his head “no” Norah continues. “In my experience, people act out or speak out when there is ambiguity. Write out a work plan and share it with the team and with the partners who also give work to the associates. Doing a little work at the outset will help you in the long run. Take control, David,” Norah grabs his forearm across the table as she says this.

“But there are so many unknowns in a deal like this. What if I am wrong?” David starts breathing quickly and heavily.

“David, look me in the eyes. Now expel your breath. Take a deep breath in and count to four with me. That’s good. Now let’s breathe out and count to seven.” They sit like that for a few minutes, neither eating, David wondering if he will pass out and Norah wondering if she needs to call 911.

After a few moments, David’s breathing returns to normal. “Thank you.”

“You need to see someone for these attacks. A therapist? Your doctor?” Norah suggests.

“You’re right. I talked with my GP about it over the years and she suggested I start taking an anti-anxiety med. I am going to call her tomorrow. I just never thought winning would be so stressful,” David sighs and begins to eat his dinner.

Norah shakes her head and eats silently. When dinner is over and before leaving the restaurant, Norah asks David to text her after he sees the doctor. He agrees.

David and Norah are unaware their father also suffers from intense anxiety. Home alone this same evening, Tony looks at his phone and wonders why David never called him back. He feels a flutter in his heart. A panic attack is coming on. He sighs and sits to start breathing through it.

Sometimes great success brings big expectations. The expectations can cause fear and anxiety. How will David and his dad continue to deal with stress? Tune in next time to find out.

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Dogs Ate My Blog? Clients First? All the Reasons I Did Not Write A Proper Blog This Week.

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Ok, Snowy, my shih tzu-chihuahua is right. The dogs did not eat my blog. There were many things the last two weeks keeping me from continuing the story of Norah and David and their struggles in their new jobs. In the spirit of absolute transparency, I listed them below. Tune in next week for a bonus blog in which we learn the answer to the question, “Did David win his pitch?” For background on his pitch situation, check out Empowering Change: David’s First Pitch for New Business.

The last two weeks brought much delight, happiness and hard work. I apologize for not writing the blog my readers may have expected. Here are the reasons you are reading this instead.

Sharpen the Saw.

Yes, I often quote Habit 7 from Stephen Covey’s amazing book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” in my work as a business and leadership coach. I took a glorious vacation to rest and re-align my mind, body and spirit. I galavanted, skipped, sang, swam, and enjoyed life for four magnificent days away from home, away from the dogs, in the company of family. It left me refreshed for the busy days awaiting me once I came down to earth. Consider my mind, my teeth (just took care of my dental cleaning), my saw sharpened.

Sharpen the Saw means preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have—you. It means having a balanced program for self-renewal in the four areas of your life: physical, social/emotional, mental, and spiritual.

Stephen Covey

Clients (and Future Clients) First.

The scramble of work and diving deeply into writing proposals for new work occupied much of my focus since the return to the home and my home office. Do you get that surge of electric energy when putting together a customized proposal to help solve a client’s problem? I do. I throw my entire self into getting the strategy, messaging, and solution just write. Then, I admit, I collapse for an hour or two either walking the dogs, reading, dancing, or watching television (read more about the shows preoccupying my thoughts below).

Clients needed me! I love that. There were regularly scheduled coaching sessions, extra needed laser coaching sessions, fun-sized sessions with a few former clients, and consultations with prospects. A productive whirlwind of time spent on virtual meetings, coffee meetings and sending out action items filled several of my days – and, alas, kept me from writing the newest edition to David-the-lawyer’s pitching team saga.

Additionally, after spending several hours focusing my business brain to finish an article I had been commissioned to write, the owner of the trade publication sent an email saying the venture had closed the month before. No prior warning or a quick, “Hey, don’t bother with that deadline in the contract, we stopped publishing,” kind of notice. Sigh. Frustrated sigh. Oh, well. I will repurpose that article.

The Distraction of the Olympics (ok, and Bridgerton, too).

In those moments of retreating to the living room after completing a taxing task, I succumbed to the television. The Olympics brought, and continue to bring, the greatest distraction, Greatest Of All Time, in fact. Can you really blame me for that? My husband and I cannot wait until 7 p.m. central time rolls around to immerse ourselves in the highlights.

Then, I must confess, there is Bridgerton. I watched Season Three as soon as it dropped. Binged it. I realized then that I was quite late to the whole Penelope / Colin (Polin) story line. Penelope is my favorite character and I noticed her infatuation with Colin, but many of the references in this season made me go back to rewatch seasons one and two. What were the tells to let us know that Colin may also fall for his friend? I am only partway through season two, so more for me to understand. I must say as a non-traditional body type sort of woman, I love this story line. Penelope is so beautiful and Colin so, well you know, dreamy.

That is the end of my “excuse me” and “please come back next week” sort of replacement blogging. I hope you enjoyed.

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Empowering Change: David’s First Pitch for New Business

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Leading your first pitch for business in a law firm brings many thoughts and feelings to the surface. Excitement, anxiety, pride and fear are just a few of the most basic. For David, who just recently began a journey of self-improvement, all emotions seem to clash into each other as he prepares to lead his first pitch.

David might call today’s MBT blog My Big Try or My Bungling Triathlon. In the blog post, To Speak Up or Not to Speak Up: David’s Story, our hero came to realize he received opportunities which other attorneys in his firm who were diverse – women, people of color and members of the LGBTQ+ community – did not. The unjustness of it upset him greatly, yet he was embarrassed by his own willingness to let things slide.

David’s mentor and supervisor, Edgar, suggested, “The only way to make change in a law firm is to become a rainmaker. Now it is your turn to speak up. In the moment, when you see that a diverse voice should be added to a team, talk to the team leader about it.”

Soon after his discussion with Edgar, David found himself with an opportunity to put together his own pitch team. He was thrilled at taking control of the situation himself and creating the team he wanted. His trouble today? Before now, he had no understanding of the difficulty of finding and preparing the “right team.”

Today, David is meeting with a friend who is also a lawyer at a mid-size firm. Pete is a small man, short and slight, with dark wavy hair and a bushy mustache that droops over the sides of his mouth leaving the impression of a constant frown. He does not frown so much, but his general countenance is on the serious side. He tends to inhabit groups he joins by sticking to the edges – ever present but not always noticeable. When Pete does contribute to the conversation, he drops huge insights that tend to inspire a great deal of awe. His friend circle is small yet devoted, and includes David.

When we join the two at a local bar, David is in the process of explaining his pitch team and preparation to Pete. “I can’t believe how much work this is! First, I’m getting as much information as possible from the client – who, by the way is one of my best friends, Paul. I feel like such a jerk! Paul is amazingly helpful in introducing me to the inside legal team leading this acquisition. I know what they want and my firm has it! So, now, I have a strategy that should get us the work. I have the right team – a good mix of diversity – and my ace in the hole, Edgar who is also my boss, won’t show up to the prep sessions! I am losing my mind!”

Pete quietly listens and drinks his favorite hazy IPA. He nods a few times to indicate he is listening. “Is there some kind of process you are following?”

David nods. “Yes, thank God! I got this from a friend I went to law school with. Look at it.” David shows Pete a handwritten outline. On a second page, David scribbled notes addressing the answers to each item.

Pitch Process

  1. Talk to client. What is their criteria for choosing a law firm on this project? How do they like to work with outside lawyers? Who will you meet with? What is the format for the meeting?
  2. Create the right team. Make sure it is balanced in diversity including age and experience.
  3. Create the messaging. Why would they hire you?
  4. Plan in advance who will talk about which point for discussion. Take the lead at the meeting to make sure you finish in time.
  5. Make sure you ask questions so the prospect is part of the conversation.
  6. At the end, ask for the next step.

Pete perks up after looking at the list. “Looks good! Can I have a copy of this? I have a client meeting coming up next month.”

“Yes, sure. Take a picture. But what do you think?” David asks.

Pete leans forward, folds his hands, and places them on the bar. “Managing up is always difficult. Best to avoid it whenever you can. My thought is, if you sit down and talk to Edgar about your plan, involve him in the process a bit, get his feedback, then he’ll come around. From what you have told me, Edgar is a great guy and a true mentor to you. Give him a chance to mentor you on this. Once he understands the necessity of the prep sessions, I bet he’ll come through. He may even give a rousing speech to the rest of the team about how he trusts you and all of them to work hard on the pitch and the project when you win it.”

“You are brilliant!” David exclaims. Then says in a more subdued tone, “I should know this by now. Talk to Edgar and lay it all out. And the rest of the team seems to need support from him. I will tell him that, too. You know who works the hardest on this, other than me? The two associates! ” David scribbles more notes and waves to the bartender. “Thank you, Pete. Let me buy you another beer.”

David likes to work hard and then he enjoys celebrating. As he continues hanging with Pete, his mind fills with images of the celebration he plans to throw when the team wins the work. A big barbecue at his house or a special dinner at a fancy restaurant. He absolutely believes with Edgar’s help, his team is the best one for the job.

As he drives home that night, David thinks about the team. It took a good deal of effort to decide who was the right fit. He ended with two associates, Edgard, and himself. He must have spoken to, practically interviewed, 12 people until he hit upon the right group. Then, he had to tell some people that they were not chosen. Those conversations made him squeamish.

He was honest and transparent with each person. He explained to them his plan for the pitch, what the client expected, how the client would judge the team, and how each would be rewarded for their time investment. Some attorneys refused to participate in the preparation and planning. Even if their experience was perfect, he opted for only people who agreed to make the commitment.

As a result, each team member brings specific traits and skills enhancing the team’s capabilities and strengthening the chances of winning. Edgar is the sage, distinguished leader. He brings experience and diplomacy to the group. Tristan, a mid-level associate, brings stories of projects with a slant toward the day-to-day snafus and insights. He makes it real and detailed. A perfect match for one of the client’s team who is expected to ask a slew of questions about the nitty gritty. Wanda, a senior associate, is an eloquent speaker who rouses and inspires everywhere she goes. She could make reading a cereal box fun and motivating. And, all of them are likeable and great lawyers, too.

Tune in next time to find out how the pitch goes and whether David’s team wins.

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No Agenda? Nothing in the Subject Line? Give Me Some Clue About Why We Are Meeting!

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Have you ever had that experience at work when you dread a meeting primarily because there is no agenda and no subject listed in the invitation? Norah felt compelled to accept such an invitation from Ruth, the head of HR, because, well, Ruth is the head of HR. Ruth listed a location for this hour-long meeting, a coffee shop near the office, but no reason for the meeting.

Norah tried to shake off the pins and needles creeping down her arms as she waited at a table quietly sipping her non-fat latte. “What does Ruth want to talk about,” she thought as her hands grew sweaty and numb.
To read past conversations with Ruth and Norah, check out our previous blog posts including “Conversations, Conclusions, and Freedom” at https://mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com/blog/

What does the MBT stand for in today’s blog? From Norah’s viewpoint, it could be My Brain Trauma or Me Being Tentative. From Ruth’s perspective it could be… Ruth would never bother with the initials. Not caring about their order, she thought something like Turnaround My Beliefs or Teach Me Belonging. In any case, the pair begin their conversation in entirely different places. Ruth filled with excitement; and Norah filled with dread.

Ruth walked hurriedly into the café wearing her customary navy blue suit and matching shoes, however, the outfit was brightened by an orange and green hued, patterned scarf resting around her neck and held in place by a large gold, circular clasp. She waved a hand at Norah and smiled the biggest smile Norah had ever seen on Ruth. “What is up?” Norah wondered taking in the bright scarf and smile and waving back.

“Thank you so much for meeting with me,” Ruth practically gushed with breathlessness. “I see you already have your coffee. Let me go up and order. I’ll be right back.” She flew to the register before Norah could even utter a hello.

Norah was confused and a bit suspicious by the sudden change in Ruth’s attitude toward her. She expected Ruth to be reserved, even severe, and a bit condescending. She expected Ruth to be busy with “other things” implying higher level things, things to which Norah was not privy. Things that made Ruth “superior.” Now, here she was waving, smiling, and gushing. What indeed was going on?

Ruth hurried back to the table with her black coffee. She sat down and smoothed her carefully coiffed, sandy brown bob. She took a sip of her coffee, sighed, and then jumped in, “How are you doing? How was your trip to gain your DEIB certification? How is the job going?”

Norah looked up, startled. Her dark brown eyes met Ruth’s eager green eyes. “She has green eyes?” Norah thought. Norah took a deep breath, paused, then said softly, “It all happened so quickly; it is kind of a blur. The instructors were wonderful. They offered so much insight. I will need a minute to think it all through. Did you want me to prepare a report?” Norah probed for some clue as to the purpose of this coffee.

Ruth reached across and patted Norah’s hand causing Norah to jump very slightly. It seemed like a quick flinch of her hand and Ruth felt it. “Oh, I’m sorry. It was presumptuous of me to reach out like that. It’s just that,” Ruth paused and looked at the table as if searching for words, “I’m so excited about this role you have taken on. I am grateful to you, Norah, for shining a light on the tension so many of us feel at work.”

“So many of us?” Norah thought. How is it possible that this white woman compares her situation to that of the people of color in their organization? “Thank you, Ruth,” Norah said this haltingly. Her stiffness had spread to her vocal chords.

They both paused and stared at each other. “Oh, I am making a mess of this, I see.” Ruth shook her head from side to side a few times. “Can I be completely transparent with you?” she asked and, when Norah nodded, she went on. “When you first came to my office with your list and your observations, I was completely closed off to what you were saying. I apologize for that. In my mind, I just wanted to make it go away, so I offered you that position as director of diversity. I really did not think Tom would approve it. When he did approve it and so enthusiastically, it got me thinking about my career. I realized, I also had never felt comfortable at work. And, I realized, when the issue of diversity came up, I always looked the other way.” Ruth paused. Norah seemed to be in a state of shock and paralysis. Ruth took a deep breath, “I’m sorry. I’m rushing this. It’s just that I realized you are this bright, shining light illuminating our organization with integrity and wisdom. “

Norah felt suffocated. She also took a breath. Then, the impact of Ruth’s words hit her. “Wow! This is not a conversation I prepared myself for,” she said out loud.

“Prepared yourself? Why would you need to prepare yourself?” Ruth replied. Her green eyes clouded slightly and her smile drooped away.

“Ruth, you are the head of HR,” Norah said this very pointedly. “The last time we spoke, you seemed to not be very happy with me. I thought I was going to be fired today.”

“Oh, my! Don’t be silly. I didn’t think about this. I am so sorry,” Ruth said. Her hair suddenly seemed to fall out of place with her realization. She tucked a piece of it behind her ears. “I never thought about that. I invited you out because I wanted to join your inclusion committee and ask you to mentor me.”

“Really?” Norah paused a moment. Well, if Ruth wanted to be mentored, here was a chance to start. “Okay, let’s start with adding a note to a meeting or something in the subject line to give a person a clue about why you are meeting. That would have saved me a mountain of anxiety. Ruth, you are the Director of HR. An unsolicited meeting with you and no stated purpose can be scary to the person receiving the invite.” Norah said this in a conversational tone. Norah seldom raised her voice. And Ruth found the tone comforting.

“You are right! See how much I can learn from you?” she replied.

“And then, she just kept talking to me and asking me questions. It was bizarre,” Norah is filling her friend and mentor Sherri in on the conversation with Ruth. They are at their favorite café sipping tea.

Sherri rubs her hand over her closely-cropped white hair. She dyed it recently. “Now I have heard everything, girl!” she says shaking her head. “It’s like Bizarro World in the comics. How does she want you to mentor her?”

Norah sips her basil and lemon tea. “She wants to learn everything. It is similar to the work I am doing with my dad but in the workplace. She wants to understand, but her motivation is not focused on helping me, specifically. She wants to learn to create an environment so other people will not feel alienated the way she has her entire career. Maybe she needs a reading list, too.” As Norah’s voice became quieter, Sherri could visibly see her friend detaching from their conversation and moving into her mind. Norah’s eyes unfocused and looked around the room. Her body became very still.

“Come on, now! Before you go ahead solving problems for this woman, let me ask you – do you trust her?” Sherri’s concern for Norah was bubbling to the surface. Warning lights went off at the start of this conversation for Sherri. She did not want this young woman to become part of the older woman’s agenda.

“I don’t know.” Norah sat back in the café booth with a whoosh. She was confused. “I want to help. I am looking for what place Ruth has in my new role. What is my responsibility versus what will people like Ruth want me to do? And, even though I report to the CEO, Tom, how important is Ruth’s feedback in evaluating my performance and, ultimately, impacting my financial position?”

“That’s it! Start with equity of salary. Is it equitable and inclusive for you to take on an additional director position with no change in pay? If she really wants to learn, she ought to start there!” Sherri was starting to simmer now. She was trying to hold herself in check before she boiled over.

“You definitely have something there,” Norah nodded. The clouds in her head were clearing and a vision was forming. “This is about many things, starting with boundaries. And, if I am mentoring Ruth, what is she offering in return? I can assign her some work for the committee. I could have her find speakers for us to welcome into the organization to help raise everyone’s awareness. Because, it is clear to me from my training, the first thing I have to do is talk to people. No, I have to listen to people. I can’t make assumptions that everyone is having the same experience as me or Ruth.”

Sherri stared at Norah grinning. “This job is good for you, baby girl. I can see a new confidence in you.”

“Thank you, Sherri. The other positive thing about my training is I now have friends who are doing what I am doing. I am going to reach out and talk to them about creating a structure for moving forward,” Norah beamed. In her mind, she saw herself flying away from the table, over the clouds, diving low into a lavender field, and her hair and skin leaving streaks of sparkles behind her.

What do you think? Was Norah right in sharing with Ruth the angst an empty subject line and lack of agenda create? Would you have done the same thing? Have you seen others in the workplace who are unaware of the power their position holds? It is curious.

Is Ruth sincere in her attempt to learn from Norah and to become more inclusive? Only time will tell. Let’s hope our heroine, Norah, proceeds with caution and an open mind. Is that a possible combination? Tune in next time, July 25, for the answers.

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Conversations, Conclusions, and Freedom

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

We are halfway through the year and I wonder what conclusions our friends have drawn from all the conversations they had so far? Sometimes they naturally opened up in conversations depending on who sat across the table, desk, or couch from them. Sometimes speaking the truth proved especially difficult. Sometimes they avoided speaking altogether.

The MBT for today’s blog could stand for Much Better Today or Movement Begins through Talk. Let’s drop in and listen to the results our friends experienced so far.

Tony

Tony thought about his daughter Norah during his daily walk. He smiled as he remembered their latest time together.

The kids stopped by for Sunday coffee. Norah beamed with pride as she set the table with African donuts, Mendazi, she had purchased. She animatedly explained the history to Tony and her half-brother David. The pastry tasted delicious to Tony, but the happiness and excitement from his daughter fed his heart and his soul.

During his first conversation with the kids about their childhood, Tony felt so afraid of being admonished he actually left the house. He is so glad now that he came back and faced them. It was the best decision of his life other than marrying Norah’s mother, Judith.

He smiled while he walked. Then he remembered that David also wanted to talk about his childhood. That conversation had not happened. Tony decided to call David and remind him, too. Excitement bubbled up for him. He felt ready to face whatever David had to say in order to help them all become a happier family.

David

David was frustrated. Frustrated with himself, his firm, and his life. After talking with his friend, Paul, he experienced a great boldness and arranged to talk to his mentor at work, Edgar, about the lack of diversity on pitch teams.

Edgar shared a story or two of his often lonely ride to the top. “The only way to make change in a law firm is to become a rainmaker,” he said. And that is what Edgar had done. “I appreciate your awareness, David. Now it is your turn to speak up. In the moment, when you see that a diverse voice should be added to a team, talk to the team leader about it.”

David had agreed with Edgar. Yet, when the opportunity presented itself – literally the next day he was invited to a pitch for business and every single attorney attending was a white man like him – he stayed silent. Afraid he would lose the opportunity if he said anything.

He sighed. Now his dad was calling and wanted to talk to him. He was giving David the opportunity to talk about his childhood. David just did not want to talk about it. He felt weary.

On the positive side of things, he saw Norah was happier than ever. He took out his journal and decided to write about his feelings.

Norah

As Norah left the office of the CEO of her organization, she sighed and smiled. Surprise! They actually were committed to change for the better. The CEO, Tom, wanted Norah to focus on inclusion rather than diversity in her new role. He greenlighted the expense for her to gain a certification in DEIB (Diversity Equity Inclusion and Belonging). Her trip and the week-long studies began in less than a week.

Norah sat down at her simple desk in her simple office and took out her journal. When choosing the journal, she looked for a cover that represented how she felt. The picture of a dreamy black woman with full afro adorned with sparkling gems of blue, green, aqua, and ice-blue drew her attention each time she picked the book up. At first, she dreamed of becoming the woman on the cover. She imagined herself flying through the clouds, floating above rain storms, and diving down to skim fields of sunflowers, tulips, and lavender.

Now, Norah felt free! She was becoming the woman on the cover of her journal. Gratitude for her own courage in facing her fears and speaking up for herself engulfed her. Now, to pack!

Ruth

Ruth felt a prickly heat on her face when she left the CEO’s office. Tom had thanked her for bringing Norah to his attention. The truth was, Ruth thought she had brushed aside the problems Norah discussed with her – about not belonging – by suggesting Norah become the first director of diversity for the non-profit. Tom’s enthusiastic response completely surprised her.

“Where is this prickly heat coming from?” she thought once she sat safely behind her mahogany desk. She knew it was envy mixed with admiration. Norah showed courage Ruth never felt at work. Courage to speak up. Courage to talk about her own feelings. Courage to criticize.

There were so many times when Ruth felt like Norah. Now, as the employees under her direction as the head of human resources grew younger and younger, she felt less comfortable. She often ate lunch alone. She heard others – other directors, others who where part of her department – talk about going out for coffee together or attending each other’s parties. She was never invited.

She remembered years as the only woman in upper management. She realized most of her career carried loneliness with it. She decided to do something about. Tomorrow she would ask Norah for a place on the new diversity committee.

What’s Next?

What will the next six months bring for our friends? I am excited to see what happens. Tune in next time and find out.

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To Speak Up or Not to Speak Up: David’s Story

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Six months flew past since David joined his new law firm as an Of Counsel. His contract reflected a promotion to partner after one year if he met a list of criteria based on developing business.

The list included items such as:

  • Demonstrate ability to cross-sell services.
  • Work with the team to develop a target list.
  • Participate in pitches for new business.
  • Attend events and trade shows to develop new business.

No metrics existed around developing business. David knew how many hours of work he had to bill to get a bonus but was unsure how business he developed would be measured. When he signed on, he liked the ambiguity in the contract thinking he could spin it to his advantage. Now, he was absolutely sure he could advocate for himself and probably come out on top.

So, why was he so glum? His workload was heavy with interesting projects. He knew his hours were higher than most attorneys in his position. What weighed him down? He noticed unfair practices happening at the firm and he did not know what to do about it. David might name today’s MBT blog, My Birthright Triumphs, or Massively Beneficial to yours Truly.

David saw it so plainly; he had the advantage. Each day of witnessing the differences in how people were treated caused David’s anger to grow. He felt like he might explode with it.

from MBT Blog

During the past few months as David he learned more about his half-sister’s life as a woman of mixed race, he started to see things differently. Norah had given their father, a self-proclaimed Sicilian American, a list of movies to watch and books to read to better understand her experiences in life. David, ever supportive of Norah, invested in reading and watching, too. He easily surpassed their dad in the volume of materials he consumed. (To read more about David, Norah, and their dad, Tony, read the last few MBT Blogs here.)

The revelation smacked him between the eyes as he encountered indisputable evidence of the lack of fairness in his daily life. David was invited to most of the pitches for new business that involved his area of practice. He was thrilled about it just a few months ago. Now, he noticed the lack of diversity on those pitch teams. A woman partner was invited to participate only once. Even though their were six senior-level associates or of counsel attorneys who were BIPOC (Biracial People of Color), none of them were offered the opportunity to participate in a client meeting.

David saw it so plainly; he had the advantage. Each day of witnessing the differences in how people were treated caused David’s anger to grow. He felt like he might explode with it.

David tended to be a good talker. He thought out loud and was often labeled as a big extrovert. Recently, he realized most of his relationships were superficial. He talked about specific projects at work; he talked about sports and music with his friends; he recently learned to listen well to other people’s problems. He seldom discussed his own feelings.

Without acknowledging this discovery to others, David began slowly opening himself to this foreign world of sharing deep experiences. He thoughtfully chose a friend to meet and planned ahead to present him with a problem and ask for advice. Then he chose another friend and did the same. He found the more often he confided in someone, the easier it became. A small part of him, somewhere in his solar plexus, still felt a twinge on these occasions, but the pain lessened each time he ventured out.

Today, we find him back at the café. meeting with his friend, Paul. Paul is tall, 6′ 2″, with blond wavy hair and a scruffy beard a shade darker than his hair. The whiskers are short enough to remain professional looking and long enough to indicate his workplace is pretty liberal when it comes to dress. A software developer, he wears blue jeans and polo shirts every day. A few years ago, Paul’s brother died in a car crash. David was there for him then. Always a good friend who helped when times were tough.

“A coffee date? Are we going to talk business? Do you want to pitch your lawyerly services to me?” Paul says with a grin.

“No, no. That’s a good idea, though. How can you be tan already? It’s only June,” David notices Paul’s golden tan.

“I hit the beach every time the temperature rises above 60 degrees. And the gardening. The weather has been great this year. Really, though. What’s going on? Why are we meeting for coffee? We’re going to the axe-throwing bar with Pete and Colin on Friday. What’s up?”

“Well, Paul, I am struggling with something at work. I need your advice,” David says this slowly. This situation is still so new to him. He usually gives advice. He is a lawyer and is used to having the answers.

“Wow! You are asking me for advice? It must be a big problem. Or maybe one that requires more emotional intelligence on your part…oops, sorry.” Paul laughs after roasting David about his lack of emotion. David is used to it. His friends sometimes call him Robot Man to dig at him.

“That’s okay, Paul. I know I often dive right into conversations without reading the room to look for the impact I make. I’ve been working on becoming more aware,” David rustles his hands through his hair nervously as he says this. He feels so stupid.

“Good for you, man. That is something to celebrate,” Paul raises his paper coffee cup to toast his friend. “To David, the soon-to-be actual perfect man! Smart, successful, soon-to-be rich partner in a law firm, and sensitive to!” They both laugh as they clink their paper cups. “What’s the trouble?” Paul stares at David with intent blue eyes shining out of his golden, brown face.

David squirms in his seat. “Why am I so nervous?” he thinks. “Maybe I should ask something else. Maybe Paul is not the right person to ask about this.” He pauses for so long it causes Paul to clear his throat a few times.

“C’mon, tell me what’s happening!”

“Okay. You know my sister, Norah’s mom was African American right?”

“Yes. I believe I know that and, having met Norah several times over the years, I realize that she is biracial,” Paul says this and pauses.

“Good!” David thinks. Paul seems perfectly comfortable talking about David’s family. David deems it safe to continue the conversation. “Well, my dad and I have been learning more about Norah’s experience in life as an African American woman. It seems the more I learn, the more I see injustice all around me. Particularly at work. I think I need to do something about it, but I don’t know what to do.”

Paul sits back in his seat. “I am blown away! What specifically are you noticing?”

“Well, the partners really embraced me as soon as I started at the firm. It’s like I’m being fast-tracked or something. I have plenty of work, they involve me in pitches and strategy sessions for developing business. I get invited to dinners with clients. It has been really great! Especially compared to my last firm where I was one of 100 associates. There I felt like a bug on the carpet – could be stepped on at any second. Here, it’s like I’m a king,” David gestures with both hands, looking more Italian than usual, as he says this. Then he pulls his hands back together and makes a teepee with his fingers.

“I should be ecstatic about my future, right? Except when I look around at the meetings, all of us are white guys. When I look at the needs-work list – the firm sends out this list every week and people add their names to it if they are looking for work – the majority of the names on the list are the women attorneys and the BIPOC attorneys.” David whispers this comment and looks around the café to be sure no one from the firm is there.

“That bites, man,” Paul says. “We had a similar problem in my job, not where I’m working now, but the last place. We don’t have to generate business in my work, but the few women developers at that company did not receive the high-profile projects. And, there were only two women in the whole company. Management there said there aren’t enough women software developers to hire, so they couldn’t get them. It’s true, the numbers are lower, but why would a woman stay there when she’s not getting the best work to do? That is one of the reasons I left the place.”

“Really! I didn’t know. I assumed it was about money,” David’s surprise showed in his face. The conversation felt more comfortable now.

“Money was a factor. But I was recruited out of there. The place I work now has a true commitment to equity. They recruit people of color and women, and go directly to the high schools giving scholarships to kids who show an interest. They are invested in fixing the problem. And, they tell me their strategy is working!” Paul says all of this in an enthusiastic rush. His face beams. His eyes glow. David thinks, “I want to feel like that about my job.” Then he says it out loud.

“I want to be enthusiastic like you about my job! Should I just look for a different firm? I can’t imagine my workplace instituting everything you mention,” David sinks back in his seat feeling defeated.

“I have a few suggestions for you,” Paul says. “Do you want to hear them?”

“Yes, yes, please!”

“Okay. First, talk to your boss. Isn’t he your mentor and isn’t he African American? How did he succeed and is he aware of the lack of diversity on the teams? Are you with me?” Paul asks very intently. He is so happy David asked for his advice.

“Yes, his name is Edgar. Let me get a pen and notepad. I’m going to write this down,” David rummages through his briefcase, pulls out the needed implements, and begins writing. “I can do that. It’s like I needed you to give me permission to talk to my boss.” David shakes his head wondering at how simple it now became. He just needed that validation.

“Next. Are you friends with these other people at the firm? The women partners and the associates you mentioned?”

“Some. Not all. I have not actually reached out to them. That’s on me. Shame on me!” David feels so guilty about this. Why didn’t he reach out to them? “Some of them are not in my office…that’s true.”

“Alright. Well, fix that now. Start getting to know them. Reach out. Ask them about their business. Just see where it goes. I guess I am saying invest in their friendships. You do not have to do everything at once,” Paul sits back now.

“Is that all you got?” David asks.

“Well, just get started and let me know what happens. I am especially curious to hear what Edgar has to say. He is very successful. I wonder how he managed being in that environment,” Paul said.

The two pull out their phones to plan their next coffee.

How will Edgar react when David talks to him about the lack of diversity on teams? Will David talk to Norah about his plan of action? Norah had just decided to take on the Director of Diversity position at her organization. What is next for our two heroes? Join us next time at the MBT Blog and find out.

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Navigating Workplace Challenges: Norah’s Journey to Director of Diversity

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

The last few MBT Blogs focused on preparation for a conversation in the personal lives of our main characters, Norah and David. Last time, we listened in to discover that while three people participated in the same conversation, each interpreted the meaning of what was said differently. To catch up, take a look at Lessons Learned: Reflect Before Moving Forward.

In today’s blog, we find Norah returning her focus to an obstacle at work. She is meeting with her friend and mentor, Sherri, to revisit the advice she received from the adviser several months ago. Thinking about MBT, Norah could nickname this reflection More Bull-oney Tricks, or Morons aBound Throughout my workplace.

Both ladies are beautifully dressed in bright colors today. Sherri wearing her signature orange while Norah opts for a lively African print in purples and yellows. We find them sipping their coffee, sharing a delicious slice of cinnamon streusel coffee cake, and talking animatedly about all the things happening in their lives. From a distance, we see the genuine love sparkling from their radiant faces. They sit next to each other on the bench behind the table in the café leaning forward to hear each other’s remarks over the din in the coffee shop.

“Of course they did! You bring them a problem they do not want to know about and they will make you the solution!” Sherri exclaims, laughing. Norah just told her about her conversation with the head of HR regarding a lack of diversity in the organization.

Norah prepared well for the conversation with Ruth, Chief HR Officer for the non-profit organization. She wrote down three bullet points to address:

  1. I am the only person of color in this organization holding the title of director and above.
  2. On my first day here, and since then, no one reached out to get to know me. In most organizations, a management-level person or colleague takes the new employee out to lunch.
  3. After six months working here, I noticed there was no support for diversity. Not even an email recognizing Black History Month.

Ruth listened calmly to Norah’s list of observations. At first, she said nothing. Her expression, a stiff smile that did not reach her eyes, never changed. Ruth was a white woman in her mid-50s with beautiful translucent, peach-colored skin and soft brown hair worn in a shoulder-length bob. Her nails were impeccably groomed into French tips. She dressed demurely in black or navy suits and white blouses each day. She wore black or navy pumps matching the color of her suits.

“We didn’t send out an e-mail about Black History Month? Hmmm. That should come from Sally, our internal communications person. I am sorry about the lunch mix up on your first day. Someone should have taken you out,” Ruth stated this slowly looking past Norah rather than at her. Then she paused.

Norah usually felt at ease in silence because she liked to pause and think before speaking. This void, however, proved very uncomfortable for her. She shifted in her seat, crossed her legs, smoothed the fabric of her dress, and then replied, “Thank you for the apology. The situation persists, though. Since then, no one on the management team has reached out to me. I feel terribly isolated here. I did begin requesting coffee meetings with each person at my level, and have met with most of them now.”

“Well, there you go. Great initiative, Norah!” Ruth, lifting her arm when she said this, gave Norah an “atta boy!” gesture making a fist and swinging it in front of her. “Was there something else?”

“Yes, actually, I wondered what you are going to do about this,” Norah replied. She was puzzled by Ruth’s lack of interest in her situation.

“I am trying to understand, dear. What do you want me to do?” Ruth said this softly. Norah found it to be condescending at best.

“What I am saying is I do not feel welcomed here. You could adjust the onboarding process to make it more inclusive. You could create a strategy to recruit more people of color so that this organization was more diverse. You could implement a process or committee to acknowledge diversity. There are many things you could do. Is this organization interested in diversity? I accepted this position partly because the mission is devoted to supporting underserved communities,” Norah was surprised at herself. She had practically made a speech. She felt anger and sadness rising in her. Why did she have to tell the Chief of HR all of this?

Ruth paused for a few seconds. She took a deep breath and then blurted out, “You should be our Director of Diversity. You have so many ideas about what we should be doing, now you can implement them. That’s it! I will talk to the CEO and let you know when it is official. Now, I have to sprint to my next meeting. Take care, Norah,” and she stood up gathering her notebook. Norah stood up slowly and followed Ruth out of the office.

“And, now all of this is my responsibility!” Norah says this to Sherri rather loudly at the café.

Sherri is still laughing. “Well, what are you going to do? Accept this new role? Are you still Director of Relationships?”

“I don’t know! I am waiting to hear back from Ruth’s meeting with the CEO. This feels like the conversation with my father. I have to draw them a map to lead them to the page I am on,” Norah gestures with her finger as if drawing a map on a napkin.

“Yes, but in that case, you had a personal interest. Your relationship with your dad. This time, you need to decide whether this new position would be worth your time. You could impact a larger number of people this way, Norah. You could reach out to other directors of diversity and find out what they are doing. The possibilities are endless. It’s just a matter of what you want,” Sherri replies.

“Right. Or, I can just walk away from it. I can say, I see the problem and brought it to your attention, now it’s your job to fix it. It’s true, maybe they should hire a director of diversity,” Norah’s speech slows down and trails off while she thinks about how to react.

“On another subject, how is it going with your father?” Sherri asks.

Norah raises her face and shakes her head as if clearing her mind of thoughts of work. “He is willing to try,” she says donning a pained grimace. “He watched ’13th’ and was moved to tears at how ‘the images of African Americans in chains mirrored our treatment during slavery,’ he said. I suggested he watch all Ava DuVernay’s movies as a good starting place. And, we are planning a trip to Washington, D.C. to experience the National Museum of African American History and Culture together. I also suggested, you know because you helped me write the list, he read the book ‘White Fragility’ by Dr. Robin D’Angelo.”

“That is progress! He is committed to you, my girl! Congratulations,” Sherri says this with a broad smile revealing her gleaming, white teeth.

“Maybe, yes, I don’t know. He shies away from the reading and he watched one movie. I am getting kind of tired of all of this,” she sighs.

“Keep at it, girl. I believe it will pay off. Now what?” Sherri notices Norah stopping to look at her email.

“Ruth talked to the CEO and they want me to become their Director of Diversity. She says it is in addition to my current roll. It is meant to be ‘a side thing, like heading an internal committee’ according to the email,” Norah holds the phone out to Sherri to read the email.

“That means lots of work and no extra pay. You up for this?” she asks.

“I just decided to do it! I have to go. I will see you soon. Thank you for your help, Sherri,” Norah hugs her friend and sprints out the door.

How would you react? Has this situation happened to you? What boundaries did you put in place and then enforce? Often, businesses hand out these kinds of roles with very few parameters around authority, process, budget, or metrics for success.

Tune in next time, June 13, to find out how Norah handles both this new position at work and her ongoing education of her father.

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Lessons Learned: Reflect Before Moving Forward

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Today’s blog is all about reflection. In our last MBT Blog, Conversation Time: The Beginning, our heroes Norah and David began talking to their dad about some troubling events from their childhood. After the conversation and agreeing they would meet weekly to continue to talk, each went off to discuss the event further with others in their lives.

Conversational Intelligence® teaches us that conversations are more than just the words spoken among people. While one person is speaking words very carefully chosen to communicate, the person listening layers those words with their own experiences. Put more plainly, people do not always hear what you are saying. Their brain, emotions, and past experiences jump into action to interpret the meaning. If you have ever been a speaker, you know it often takes multiple tries to convey a message to the audience. That is why presenters are taught to tell you what they are going to say, say it, and then tell you what they said.

Words carry baggage; they are rarely neutral. Words carry a history of years of use. Each time another experience overlays another meaning, and it all gets collected somewhere in our brain – ‘the vault’ – it’s there, ready to be activated during a conversation.

Judith e. glaser, The CreatingWE® Institute

Tony, David, and Norah each came away from their conversation with a different interpretation of what was said. For Tony, today’s blog could be called Mystifying Bewildering Turmoil. David felt unsuccessful and angry after the conversation. He might suggest Mediocre Bogus Talk. And Norah who initially felt triumphant is less satisfied now upon reflection. She could call the MBT Blog Maybe Beyond Trying.

Let’s drop in on Tony and Sam.
Sam and Tony met during their college years. They worked together directly after college, live in the same city, and meet for coffee or a drink once or twice every month. Sam is up to speed on the situation and the conversation with Norah and David, because Tony called him the minute the kids left the house. Tony was having a panic attack at the time and Sam helped him through it. On this occasion, Tony wastes no time with small talk. He dives straight into his reaction to the conversation with his kids.

“It was like an attack! The tried to hide their true feelings under some concern for me, but it was obvious to me from the start they wanted to massacre me! You know, Sam. I barely remember what happened during that time after Judith died. I was in a cloud of grief. And now, we have to live it all over again? Why put everybody through that pain again? You know? Who needs that!” Tony’s speech was rambling and Sam waited for him to pause before commenting.

“What did the kids say?” he asked.

“What do you mean what did they say? I told you that on the phone,” Tony replied with clear bewilderment in his voice.

“What did they say about why they wanted to talk about it? I don’t think they want to massacre you, Tony. What was their reason for taking the time to talk to you?” Sam said this patiently. He was there for Tony when Judith died and remembers the complete despair. Tony could barely take care of himself. Those around him pitched in to help. Even his ex-wife, Sarah, David’s mom, helped out.

“Well, David said Norah is having trouble at work because of unresolved feelings from back then. Norah got very angry and raised her voice. She has never done that before. It was a mess! Then they both said something nice, though. The thing I remember most, other than feeling like I had been attacked, was that they want to see more of me. Be a real family, they said. That was good, but I don’t know if I have time for that,” Tony’s voice trailed off as if he was thinking about something.

“Not have time? You’re retired, you fool! I wish my kids wanted to spend more time with me. They all moved away. I see them twice a year!”

“Right. I am very busy, though.” When Tony went silent, Sam wondered what this was really about.

“What’s going on with you. Come on, out with it. What are you avoiding?” Sam prompted.

“Norah says she wants me to learn more about her culture. She said I ignored it when people stared at us – Judith, her and me – when she was a kid. She thinks I am uncomfortable in public with her because she looks black,” Tony stood up from the kitchen table (did I note they were drinking coffee at the table?) and looked out the window.

“And, there it is. I’m sure you remember that Judith told you something similar. You loved her and married her, but you ignored the reactions directed at you from strangers,” he said.

“Strangers? My own family turned their backs on us! I admit it! It makes me uncomfortable! I want to punch someone in the face, so I just ignore it.” Tony paced the floor now incensed as he remembered. “What am I supposed to do with all of this anger? Let the kids see it? I don’t want to be a raving maniac in front of them now any more than I did back then. My mind is full of shoulda, coulda, woulda as it is. I try not to think about it, because If I have to think about it, I might explode!”

Sam sighed. “You need to keep talking, Tony. Get this all out here with me. Then you can be in the right place to tell the kids. Let them know you were angry. Come on. Keep talking.” Tony and Sam spent the day together talking, walking, and eating until Tony felt ready for the next conversation with the kids in a few days.

David & Who?
The more David thought about the conversation with his dad, the more he felt Tony’s response was a complete sham. Any emotion Tony showed, David saw as acting and false. He believed now, more than ever, that his dad was a jerk who only cared about himself.

Who could David talk to about his feelings? When it came to personal problems, he talked to Norah. He felt weird about talking to his mentor at work, Edgar. He thought it would be unprofessional. When it came to his friends, he seldom talked about real life. They shared information about sports and their jobs, sure. He thought about each friend trying to determine who would be most likely to listen and offer advice. During this exercise, he realized his friends talked to him about their wives, parents, and struggles. He was the one who kept himself hidden. Why?

David remembered encouraging Norah to write things down to help her recognize her achievements. He grabbed a legal pad from his desk at work, walked down to the lake which was near his office, sat on a rock, and started writing. Hopefully, this would bring him some answers.

Norah & Aunt Gladys
“Aunt Gladys, did my dad ask you to take me in after my mother died? I never understood how all that happened. All of a sudden, you were picking me up and someone had packed my suitcase. You were the person who told me my mom had died. I am so confused by all of it,” Norah said. She was seated in her Aunt Gladys’ kitchen. The best feature of the simple, small room was the large window looking out on the back yard. Aunt Gladys had placed a bird feeder there with suction cups so she could watch them up close while she drank her coffee.

Norah’s aunt was the epitome of kindness and yet forged from iron. Her strength pushed Norah back into life after the death of her mother. She pulled Norah out of bed every morning and forced her to dress for school. “Make me and your mama proud, baby,” she said each day as she dropped the grief-stricken girl off in the morning. After school, as soon as she slid into the car, Aunt Gladys asked Norah, “Now what did you do today to make us proud?” The pressure to perform was there, but Norah rose to the occasion. It took her out of herself and into the competition, whatever it might be.

Today, Norah munched on a chocolate chip cookie while sitting at the table drinking strong, black coffee. Aunt Gladys never had cream in the house. “If I am going to drink coffee, I am going to drink coffee,” she said often. Norah needed more information to understand her next steps in her relationship with her dad.

“I offered, Norah. Tony was in terrible shape. He never believed Judith would die. He skipped around full of brightness while she was ill. He was all optimism. Judith tried to talk to him about the future, the future without her. But he would not let her. So, when Norah’s friend Sherri and I visited her, we created the plan. Sherri reached out to David’s mom, and I created a home here for you. Your father’s friend, Sam, was the one talking to your father and moving him toward living again,” She wiped a tear as she said this. “You want more coffee?”

“No, Aunt Gladys, I’m fine,” Norah said and then shared with Aunt Gladys the details of the conversation with Tony.

“That took some strength, girl,” Aunt Gladys squeezed Norah’s hand across the table. “Now, what specifically do you want your dad to do? I mean, how does he learn your culture? What are the steps?”

“What do you mean? Do I have to figure that out for him?” Norah was taken aback. Why was this situation still her problem. “Is it my job to educate my own father on what it means to be black and biracial in America? All he needs to do is turn on the news!”

“Yes, I agree. And, this is your father we are talking about. He is the kind of person who needs to know the rules so he can follow them. Throw him a bone, girl. Bring him a book or a list or whatever to show him how to start this process. You do not have to teach everyone, but you may obtain your goal if you take the time to show Tony the way.” Aunt Gladys hugged Norah and then, together, they worked on their list.

How about you? Have you ever talked with someone, believed your message was entirely clear, and then found the reception of it went haywire? What did you do? Tune in next time to learn more about moving difficult conversations into action.

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Conversation Time: The Beginning

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

What should we call today’s blog? More Belonging with Tony? Must Be Truthful? Mastering Being Tender & Tough? I like this last one. Today is the day of the conversation David and Norah prepared to have with their dad, Tony. To read more about their situation and their plans for this difficult conversation, check out the last MBT Blog.

David had texted Tony mid-week to be sure he would be home so David and Norah could visit. Tony responded with a suspicious, “What’s up?” to which David replied, “We just wanted to drop in and see how you are doing.”

“I’m not that old!” Tony texted back. “You don’t have to check on me. Ok. It will be good to catch up.”

Norah asked David to drive to make sure they arrived and left together. She worried about the impact the conversation might have on her and opted not to drive. As they pulled up in front of Tony’s house, she whispered, “Gentle truth,” to David. He repeated it back to her. They looked at each other to fuel their courage then nodded simultaneously. “Show time!” David exclaimed opening the car door. Norah nodded and muttered, “Help us, Jesus.”

Tony appeared at the door. He was wearing his usual blue jeans and drab polo shirt – it was light gray today. He waved from the door of the small, ranch style house and started barking orders at them right away, “Park in the driveway! Oh, alright! Leave it on the street if you want. Come on, get in the house. Did you bring some coffee cake? Nothing? Oh, alright. I have something here to serve you. I made extra coffee…” he continued rattling on until they were seated on the low deck outside around the old, wrought iron table (it had belonged to Tony’s mom) with the orange umbrella sipping the very strong coffee he offered.

Norah and David matched their clothing to Tony’s hoping it would put him at ease. Both wore jeans and simple shirts, David’s a light blue polo and Norah’s a short-sleeved lavender blouse. They planned every inch of this conversation to create the right atmosphere. They hoped it worked. The wild card was their dad and how he would react. Neither could predict that and it created butterflies in their stomachs. The coffee helped settle down the stress because it was such a normal activity. Sip a little coffee. Tell a bunch of buried truth that has eaten away at you most of your life. Sip a little coffee. What’s hard about that?

Whenever someone asked about his dad, David said, “He looks like Tony Bennett when he was 70 but not as good looking.” Truthfully, their dad sported a full head of thick curly, silvery gray and white hair, stood at medium height, and carried the swarthy complexion and larger nose characteristic of Italians. Some found him to be much better looking than Tony Bennett – especially women. Friends and acquaintances described him as charismatic, charming, and friendly.

Both Norah and David knew their dad handled uncomfortable things by avoiding them. Neither could remember having an emotional conversation with him. He showed his emotions though. Both had seen him cry many times, mostly at funerals, and especially when Norah’s mother, Judith, died.

Retired for nearly eight years, since he was 60, Tony loved his job as an engineer for a local manufacturing company. They recruited him fresh out of college and he worked there for his entire career. He seemed to enjoy retirement, too. His social life contained dinners with friends, shows with friends, and watching sports with friends.

“So, dad, how are things going?” Norah asked.

“Oh, good, good. You know, the usual.” Tony replied looking out into the yard. “Oh, look! Do you see that bird at the feeder? I think that is a house finch. The lady birds don’t have the bright color that the males have. Do you see it?” He pointed and looked excitedly at Norah and David. Both nodded their heads.

They sat in silence for a moment. David could not take the delay and blurted out, “We really want to talk to you about our childhoods!” Norah glared at him and tapped his foot under the table three times as if to say, “What the bleep!”

Their old man turned to look at them. Now he had nothing to say.

Norah jumped in, “Dad, what David means is we wanted to ask some questions about our childhood so we could have a better understanding of what you were going through.”

“Great!” Tony looked away, clearly exasperated. “Is this where you tell me how I sucked as a father? Time to blame your childhood for all your troubles?” He scoffed under his breath and looked away standing up to adjust the waistband of his pants. The sibling held their breath, each counting to ten, just as they had practiced. They left space open for Tony to say more.

After a full 90 seconds – David was looking at his watch and timed it – Tony turned around and gestured at them with both hands moving moving up and down motioning them to hurry up. “Ok, come on, spit it out. What horrible thing did I do to you?” His voice cracked a bit at the end of the question. Cracked with emotion, David thought, wishing he could turn around and run. Why were they doing this? He looked at Norah and saw her seemingly frozen. Dad was glaring directly into her eyes, “Come on! Out with it!” Tony nearly shouted.

“Norah has been struggling with unresolved feelings from the time when Judith died,” David started and then put his hand on Norah’s shoulder to give her strength to tell her story to Dad. But Tony blurted in first with a cry of real anguish.

“Why are you springing this on me?” he cried starting to cry and sob with great emotion. “I am not prepared to talk about Judith. I miss her as much today as I did the minute she died.” He moved away from the table, stopped for a moment to turn toward them and said, “I’m going to take a walk. Please stay and wait for me. We can talk when I get back.” He left the yard.

Norah and David both expelled their breath in one long exhalation. “What was that?” Norah asked. “Was that a show to make us feel sorry for him? How long do you think he will be gone?”

“Well, I am not waiting around to find out. Let’s go!” David was already moving toward the house so they could run to his car when Norah yelled, “Wait!” David stopped and turned around.

“We came here to talk to Dad. Why are we so afraid?”

“Because this is scary,” David replied. “I don’t want to spend my weekend getting yelled at or making Dad cry or listening to Dad yell at you or sitting around his house for who knows how long while we wait for him to walk off his emotions. And, we barely said anything! He just exploded, like, immediately! I’m leaving!”

“Don’t you dare leave me here alone. And, no, I am not going to leave. We have a right to talk honestly about our feelings. If we leave now, we will never be able to talk about anything. Dad will keep his guard up,” Norah said.

They waited for 47 minutes and 35 seconds. David timed it. Tony walked into the back yard, sat down at the table, and looked at them while rubbing his hands together. After a few seconds, he stood up, “Who wants a whiskey? Seems like this is a good time for a whiskey. Then you can tell me what you need to tell me and ask me what you want to ask me.” They all agreed, whiskey sounded good. It was very Tony, David and Norah thought.

Once they were seated again, admiring the birds at the feeder, Norah began, “Dad. We want to talk to you about our childhood. We want to understand what was going on with you during that time and tell you how we felt.” Tony nodded. Norah started talking, as if reading from a script, about the hurt she felt when her mom was sick. At first she felt nothing, as if she was a robot sharing information. The more she talked, though, the stronger she felt. She began connecting to her story. At the end, she blurted out, “Why would you abandon me like that, Dad? It’s like you dumped me at Aunt Gladys’ house and forgot about me!”

“I did not forget about you! You two were my whole life after Judith passed,” Tony replied. He saw the devastation on Norah’s face and knew there was no defense for him. She was right. He had run away. “I love you!” It came out as a shout.

“No you don’t! You are embarrassed to be seen in public with me unless someone else is there!” Norah yelled it back.

“Gentle truth,” David said, placing his hand on Norah’s arm. He was astonished that Norah yelled. It seemed not to be in her nature. “Breathe,” he said.

“What’s this ‘gentle truth’?” Tony asked.

“We decided we needed a code word for this conversation with you, Dad, in case either of us came on too strongly. We care about you, Dad, and we want to have a better relationship with you.”

Tony thought about this for a minute. “I like that. Gentle truth.” He paused for a moment and once again his kids made space in the silence for him to think. Tony looked at Norah. He felt awful about making her cry. Where had he been all those years? Running away from his feelings. When he thought about Judith, it still felt like a lightening bolt through his heart. “Norah, I am sorry for causing you so much pain. The truth is, I did not know what to do. Judith was the love of my life.” Seeing David wince, he added, “I loved your mom, too, David. I still do. I’m surprised she still talks to me.” He chuckled softly.

“You say you want to know what was going on with me then, what I was thinking. When it was happening, I didn’t think. I was a mess. Others came forward to support me. To support you, Norah. If Gladys had not offered her home to you, I don’t know what I would have done. I was panicked. You were a beautiful, smart young girl starting adolescence. I did not know how to handle you, your emotions, the changes you were going through. And, you look so much like Judith, it just hurt me to even look at you,” he said.

“That’s bull!” Now it was David’s turn to be angry. “That sounds like something you heard on a television show or something. You were a full grown man responsible for a family – fractured as we were! I don’t buy it! You were and are just selfish!,” David stood up and looked at the blue sky, so blue, he thought. He hid the tears that started to appear silently at the corners of his eyes.

Tony also had stood up and turned away from the table. His hands jammed into his pockets, his shoulders slumped forward, he appeared to be an adolescent himself. Norah looked at the two. The two most important men in her life, both constant talkers, were suddenly speechless. The thought made her giggle until she let a laugh or two burst out. At the sound, they both turned instantly and laughed, too. A great stress reliever, they all thought.

“Ok, let’s check in with each other,” Norah said when the laughing trickled away. “David also wants to talk about his feelings as a child, and I have more to say. How are you feeling, Dad? David?” Norah said.

Both of them ran their hands through their wavy hair and replied simultaneously, “Not too great.” Then they all laughed again.

Tony responded to the questions, “David, I want to hear how you are feeling. And, Norah, I want to learn how to make things better with you. But, to be honest, I need some time to reflect. Can you please say more about that good thing again, about how you care about me and want to have a better relationship with me?” Tony’s voice became fainter as he said this.

“Before we came to visit you today, Dad, we created a goal for the conversation. My goal was to have a better relationship with you and for you to learn more about my culture. David, tell Dad your goal,” she said.

“My goal was for the three of us to really become a family. I want us to talk to each other about things that are bugging us, and I want us to spend more time together. I know you get really busy, Dad, but I wish you wanted to see us more often,” David said.

“That is smart! I have smart kids! I agree. I do want to see more of you. My goal is to have a better relationship with you. I need some time to think about things, though. Today caught me totally off guard. I didn’t know how to react and I think I did a poor job of it,” he paused there, hoping they would rebut his statement. When they did not, he continued, “The most important thing to know is that I love you. I hope we can work the rest of this out.”

They realized this tough conversation needed to be more than one conversation. They agreed to meet weekly in the same manner to talk about their lives together and create a more open relationship.

When the kids were leaving, Tony hugged them both probably a bit too tightly and for a bit too long. He felt his chest swelling with emotion and something else – a tightness. When he was alone, he found it hard to swallow. His breathing became shallow. He was having a panic attack! He immediately called his best friend, Sam. Sam talked him through these attacks often and knew what to do. Once Tony’s breathing slowed and his chest opened up, Tony shared his conversation with the kids with Sam. They agreed to meet and talk about it so Tony could have his own plan of action and maybe a code word, too.

It was a conversation Tony had expected and dreaded over the years. He used to contemplate what he would say to them about his behavior when Judith died and wondered how they would react. In all his imaginings, the kids hugged him and forgave him in the end. “That’s okay, Dad,” he imagined them saying, “We love you and we know you had a really hard time back then. It’s okay.” Now he faced the reality of something different. They had not said, “That’s okay, Dad.” More conversations were coming. He only had one week to prepare himself for round two.

Back in the car, David and Norah sat motionless. “David, you did not get to speak your truth. How do you feel about that?” Norah asked. She felt a bit deflated by the conversation today.

“I’m okay,” David replied. “I realized I was not really ready to talk to Dad. You were fearless, Norah! Wow! I need to go home and take a bath and go to sleep. Eat some comfort food…” David was back to his usual fast-talking style, leaving no break or silence for anyone else to be heard.

“No,” Norah interrupted him. “Let’s go to my house and then walk to a nice place for dinner. I want to reward myself for being fearless! And, I want to acknowledge that you stuck up for me.” David agreed.

What did you think of this conversation? Did Norah and David prepare properly? Did the preparation help them? What would you have done differently? And, most importantly, what will happen next. Make sure to subscribe so you do not miss a minute of the continuing saga of David, Norah, Tony, and, now, Sam. Norah is prepping for her conversations at work. David is mulling over his own feelings about is childhood. And, Tony and Sam have yet to dive into this world of hard conversations.

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Gentle Truth: Preparing for A Tough Conversation

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

For the first time in their lives, Norah and David will tell their father how they felt after Norah’s mother passed away. To read more about it, look to past blogs, especially Talking It Out. Today’s MBT blog could easily stand for More Blatant Truth-Telling, or Must Balance Talking with listening, or Maybe But Too. The approach to this conversation frames the future relationship both of our friends will have with their dad in the future.

Our heroes – three cheers for the bravery of Norah and David! – sought advice from their mentors to prepare for their conversation with their dad, Tony. Edgar, David’s boss and mentor, and Sherri, Norah’s friend and mentor, both emphasized the importance of thinking about the end when planning the discussion.

“Know what you are aiming for,” Edgar had said.

“Decide what relationship you want with your father and with your brother,” Sherri had said.

“The kind of relationship you have with your dad and with each other starts with this conversation,” both of them had said this, and when Norah and David were preparing, they both laughed and hugged about it.

“Well, if both of them gave us the same advice, it should be good advice, shouldn’t it?” David said. “What is your goal Norah in talking to Dad?”

“Easy. I want to be heard. I want to understand him and to know that he loves me. I want him to apologize,” Norah replied.

“Yes to all of that, but what do you want the relationship to be like after this conversation?” David asked.

With tears in her eyes, Norah replied, “Pie in the sky if I got everything I ever wanted, which I know is unlikely, I want him to apologize and hate himself for how he has hurt me. I want him to ask what he needs to do to make it up to me. I want him to learn about my culture. He loved my mom, and she was black, but did he really know her? I want him to see me and to want to learn about my black roots.”

“If that is what you want, then I believe you will get it,” David said.

“What about you, David?” Norah asked. “What is your goal in this meeting other than being supportive of me?”

David was uncharacteristically silent for several moments. He had been so focused on being there for his sister, proving to her that he cared and would go to bat for her no matter the circumstances, that he had given no thought to what effect this might have on him. In fact, he had believed it had very little to do with him. “I’ll have to get back to you on that. I should think about my own relationship with Dad. I have never spent time thinking about it. We just see each other on holidays and for an occasional basketball game.”

Their preparation for the conversation was intense and intensive. Norah suggested they role play the conversation to get a better feel for the best language to use. David was unsure of this. Could he really fill in for Dad? What would Dad say? How would Dad react? All of this made David terribly uncomfortable.

Norah noticed David looking away, looking at his watch, not meeting her eyes, literally squirming in his chair. “Do you want to take a break?” she asked.

“I…” David tried desperately to express what he was feeling. His heart was pounding so hard he felt it in his ears and his ears hurt. He was having trouble breathing. He felt an overwhelming need to lie down. He slid off the chair onto the floor and felt the cool tile at his back.

Norah knelt next to him, “David! Let’s take a break!”

A full hour later, they were ready to meet with their Dad. Where? At Dad’s house for privacy and their Dad’s comfort. When? Right after breakfast when Tony would be sitting outside and drinking his coffee. How? Gentle truth. David and Norah came up with this mantra during their preparation.

After his collapse, David realized he did not want to play the part of his father ever, even in role play. His own anger tried to burst out of him, literally knocking him over. His brain was riddled with his own questions. Why had their Dad abandoned him and his mom when he met Norah’s mom? Why was there no inkling from anyone in his life that Judith, Norah’s mom, was ill until she passed away? David was 17 when that happened. He could have supported his sister during that time. Was their relationship superficial?

All these questions ran through his head, and David realized what he experienced was a panic attack. And, it was not his first panic attack.

David expressed his own rage to Norah. It felt good to get it all out. He was not as kindly measured in his accusations against their dad as Norah was. There was a good deal of swearing and name calling involved. Once his tirade ran out of steam, David settled back into the planning. The two half-siblings made a pact with each other. Gentle truth. Gentle truth was their mantra and their safe word. If either of them stepped too far out of bounds, the other would state “gentle truth” as a reminder.

Why not just let the old man have it? They debated this question.

“We have to remember our goals,” Norah said. “We want to speak our truth and give him space to speak his own truth. If we are too defensive, all his walls will go up. He will be defensive, too. Ultimately, we want to have a better relationship with him.”

“Okay, I know what I want from Dad. I want the three of us to be a family. I want him to actually care about what is going on in our lives. I want us to stop over at his house on Sundays. I want us all to go to the opera together. I want him to be a good grandpa to my kids,” David said.

“Is there something you are keeping from me, David. Your kids?” Norah said. She smiled at the change in her brother’s thinking.

“I am talking about the future. That’s what I want. A future for the three of us as a family,” it felt so good to say that out loud.

In the end, they skipped the role playing. Both of them acknowledged they had no idea what their dad would say or how he would react. They did practice speaking their truth to each other. They would start by asking him about his life. Hopefully, he would then ask them about their lives. That is when they would get to the heart of the matter and the reason for the visit. Norah decided to begin with, “Dad, we love you and we want to have a stronger relationship with you. There were events in our childhood that we want to discuss because we do not understand…”

They were ready. When Norah returned home, she thought, “That meeting I need to have at work will be a piece of cake after this!” She was exhausted. She went to bed early.

Come back to the MBT Blog next time for the full conversation. How will Tony react? Will David and Norah achieve their goals? Subscribe to make sure you do not miss a word.

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Talking It Out

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

If you have been following along with our friends David and Norah in the MBT blog, then you have to agree today’s blog could be called Must Be Transparent or My Biggest Terror or More Belonging Today or More Building Trust. Whichever words you choose today, David and Norah are both nervous. (To catch up on the story, read the past blog posts starting with MBT Blog: New Year; New Jobs)

David has no trouble apologizing, at least, he thinks he can apologize. While thinking through his coffee with Norah today, he realized he has never apologized like this. Face to face with someone knowing a conversation would follow. Most of his apologies had been text messages or fleeting waves of “sorry” as he moved on to the next place he had to be in life. Over the last several months, he learned to listen before making assumptions. He learned many interesting things from listening. He wondered what Norah would say.

Here is the list of bullet points David made to prepare for this meeting:

  • Apologize with no qualifiers and be specific. I am sorry that I… Nothing like, “I am sorry but…”
  • Ask Norah how she feels. PAUSE to listen.
  • Ask Norah for feedback to help me improve and better our relationship.

Norah feels both fear and a sense of relief about sharing her feelings with her half-brother. They had never talked explicitly about their differences and the effect on her, other than exchanging little jibes about white privilege and her occasional remark about the double standard in business making her work at least twice as hard for the same recognition because she is biracial. And, they never spoke about how she was excluded in family situations as the only non-white person in the room. Their dad would always laugh it off and say, “We’re all Sicilians here,” but that had become grating and felt like a micro-aggression to her over the years.

“It is so easy to give advice to others, and so difficult to take your own advice.”

Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach

Norah gained certifications in several types of personality assessments through her jobs in human resources. She dipped into her training now to help herself in this very personal situation. She kept thinking how easy it is to give advice to others, and how difficult it is to take your own advice. So, she developed a mantra for herself and began writing it down in her journal every morning, “What would Norah do?” She was elated at how well the daily reminder was working for her. During the week of preparation for this important coffee discussion with David, the words stayed in her mind throughout the day. She found herself ready today.

Here is the list Norah created to prepare herself for meeting David:

  • What is the goal? The goal is to be heard and acknowledged. The goal is also to maintain a strong relationship with David if possible.
  • Let him apologize first. Then pause before reacting. You have the right to take time to think about whether the apology is real before responding.
  • Do not automatically say, “That’s ok.” Commit to yourself. You can stand up for yourself and still have empathy for him.
  • Tell him how you feel.

Norah scurried into the café 15 minutes early hoping to beat David there and organize herself for their conversation. Uncharacteristically, David was already there sitting at their favorite table – the one in the far corner next to the window. They both loved the light when it streamed through especially on a cold day like today. David was waving Norah over. She took a deep breath, exhaled, and went to join him.

Norah wore a subdued navy pantsuit today. David’s fears mounted. She looked so corporate. Normally, a warm, vivacious vibe came from her through the yellow, orange, and bright green colors of the outfits she chose. The only jewelry evident at first glance was a pair of large gold hoop earrings. When she sat down across from him, he could see the gold pendant he had given her several years ago. He sighed with relief. Everything Norah did she did intentionally. That pendant meant she cared about him and their relationship.

“There you are! You look great!” David says running his hands through his always-tousled blond hair. “I got your coffee for you.”

Norah nods and sits down silently. She looks down at the table, as is her habit when she is thinking or feeling shy.

David sits down, too, and they both take out their bulleted notes for the meeting. Seeing this, they both burst out laughing.

“Phew! Thank God for laughter to break the tension,” David says. Norah nods in agreement and looks back down at the table.

“I want to apologize right away. Is that okay with you?” David asks. Seeing her nod, he takes a deep breath in, “count to five,” he thinks silently. And breathes out, “count to five,” he tells himself again.

“Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Norah. I apologize for completely running over you with my talk about my success in self-management last time we met. Here I am bragging about how I succeeded and all the while I was failing,” David looks down as he says this last part. It feels good to him to apologize and, at the same time, he feels so bad about hurting Norah. “I am also sorry that I argued with you about the progress you are making in your own self-improvement. It is insensitive of me to push my opinions onto you. I should have shut up and spent more time listening. I need to learn how to just shut up sometimes!” David looks up to see how Norah is reacting. She is looking at him fully and meets his eyes for the first time since she entered the café.

“You are absolutely right! You do need to learn to just shut up!” Norah smiles a bit. It is not a full-on show-your-teeth-and-brighten-the-room smile, just a softening and slight curving of her lips. “Now take a pause,” she says to herself. “That was a pretty good apology.” After a full minute, Norah focuses on David again. He is sitting there quietly and waiting for her to respond. “Wow, just wow,” she thinks to herself. She has never seen him stay quiet for this long.

“I accept your apology, David,” Norah says and they both sigh relief. “But, I need to explain to you how you made me feel that day.”

David nods, “Yes. That is my second bullet point. see?” David shows Norah where it says, “Ask Norah how she feels. PAUSE to listen.”

Norah smiles a bit more broadly now. “You did your homework, that’s for sure. Now, give me a moment, because this is difficult for me to talk about.” David waits while Norah collects her thoughts.

“We never really talked about our childhood and young adulthood. When my mom was alive, you would visit us sometimes at my house. I was part of a family, My mom was black and my dad was white. You were and are my only brother, and you are white. You and I became close, yet we never talked about the difference. When all of us would go out as a family, sometimes people stared at us. Sometimes I heard my mom talking to Dad about it. She would say, ‘Sam, did you see the nasty look that white lady gave me and Norah” or, ‘I heard that lady say mulatto under her breath.’ Dad would always brush it off, ‘They are just stupid people,’ he would say. They never talked about it and we never talked about it.”

David wants to respond, but stays in listening mode. “Just listen until she is finished,” he says to himself.

“I was always different. At school, the white kids knew I was part black and most of them ignored me. Sometimes, the black kids accepted me, sometimes they did not. And, I was so shy. I felt along much of the time. Then, after mom died, did you ever wonder why I went to live with my mom’s Aunt and not with Dad?” Norah pauses for David to answer.

“You know, I did wonder about that. I was 17. I remember assuming you would come and live with me and my mom. I was confused after Judith died and you went to live with your Aunt Bea. But, as you said, Dad never talked about stuff, so I guess I never asked,” David replies.

“Right. And he never explained it to me. So, when we went to Kim’s house, your mom’s house, for holidays after that, I always felt unwanted. Here I was the product of Dad’s second marriage, celebrating holidays with his first wife, and I was the only black person at every event. No one said anything mean to me. I always received the appropriate gifts from Dad or Easter baskets from Dad. Other than that, I felt invisible.” Norah pauses now. She feels the tears beginning. The old pang of loss starts rising in her chest. She feels like she might vomit. David waits patiently.

“It hurt me so. I felt completely abandoned. I am grateful every day for mom’s friend, Sherri. She was there for me the whole time until I went off to college and then afterward, too. You are so privileged, David. You are accepted everywhere you go. People trust what you have to say before you prove yourself. I am questioned and disbelieved at nearly every turn. And, in my own family, there was no room to talk about the pain inflicted on my by my own father.” Norah is so proud not to cry when she says this. In fact, she feels a rage begin to build in her chest.

David flinches at the word privileged, but remains quiet. The most important thing to him is that Norah understands his deep care and concern for her. “I am so sorry, Norah. I did not understand that you were in so much pain.”

Norah nods. “You know, I am so happy I told you that. For the first time, I feel really angry about it. Angry at Dad, that is. It is actually freeing,” she says and pauses wondering at the newness of this feeling. Her whole body feels lighter.

“I am here for you, Norah. Please continue,” David says.

“Well, on the day we had our disagreement, I had just experienced a situation at work where I felt invisible. Once again, I was the only person of color in a room full of management, and no one sat with me. I felt completely rejected and ignored. Then, we met for coffee, and you completely ignored my thoughts. You made me feel invisible or less important when you did that,” Norah raised her voice slightly when she finished this sentence. That made her feel good, too.

“I am so sorry,” David says this more earnestly than before. “I feel so stupid. This conversation is so eye-opening.”

“I am going to send you a few articles about micro-aggressions and being an advocate, if you are open to it, David.” Norah says this confidently.

“Thank you, Norah. I want to learn more about how to really be there for you. Is it ok with you if I offer a suggestion?” David replies. At her nod, he continues, “I think you need to tell Dad how you feel.”

Norah is shocked at the suggestion at first. Then pauses to think about it. “David, I think that is right. Would you go with me to support me?”

“Yes!” David says it immediately. The two then begin to make plans for talking to their father.

What do you think of Norah and David’s conversation? It seems likely there will be many more conversations between them like this one, focused on being truthful about their feelings and experiences. Will they become closer as a result of it? Will they talk to their father, Sam, about their childhood? Tune in for our next MBT blog to find out!

For more information about mindfulness and conversational intelligence, contact mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Mentors Bring Truth: Part II

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Last time in the MBT (Mentors Bring Truth) blog, we eavesdropped on our friend David and his mentor Edgar to understand more about self-improvement. David learned, “Once you think you conquered a new skill, life will show you that you need to work harder.” David first felt deflated by this remark. He found it defeating. “Can’t I ever get ahead?” he asked himself.

Further reflection revealed more about Edgar’s piece of wisdom. David realized he was making progress, and, when life or a good friend like Norah point out a problem, he should listen. “It’s ok for me to feel good when I do a better job listening,” David told himself. “But I’m not perfect. I need to continue listening to others and striving to be more open.”

After the disagreement between David and Norah, Norah reached out to her mentor, Sherri. Today’s blog could be called Make Belonging Transparent in addition to Mentors Bring Truth. As Sherri digs into Norah’s reactions, decades of struggle with feelings of isolation surface. Norah and David grew up together in separate households. Whenever she visited her father at David’s house, she felt her difference as a biracial person in an all-white (even though her dad called it all-Sicilian) household.

Norah chose an African American-owned coffee house for her meeting with Sherri rather than a chain. She strongly supports minority businesses and buying local. She arrives early and settled in at a corner table with her coffee and computer. The jazz music filters through the place calming her. Rather than checking her email, she closes her eyes and relaxes into the music.

Many of her favorite memories of childhood coincided with the soundtrack of her mother’s music. She missed her mom. What advice would she get from her now in this disagreement with David? She could hear the scolding voice in her head, “Why do you let things drag on like this? Just tell the man what irritated you and move on!” Norah avoided conflict in most social situations. She found it difficult to confront someone she loved with her feelings. Work situations also created obstacles for her. She stood up for herself, but was unsure whether she did too much or too little.

“There you are day dreaming the time away,” Sherri’s joyful voice startles Norah. She stood up and they hug. Sherri is a short, slightly round woman with golden brown skin, black hair so short she was nearly bald, and a bling-centered sense of style. Today, she wore a dark orange pant suit and a large gold, lattice-work medallion at the end of a long chain. “Now girl, let’s cut straight through it. Tell me what is going on!” Sherri is exuberant as she emphasizes the word what.

Norah cherished Sherri. A close friend of her mother, Sherri was there for her when she was a teen grieving her mom’s death from cancer. She formed the foundation of Norah’s supportive network. Sherri also owned her own successful accounting business for more than 20 years. She understood Norah, Norah’s family situation, and the business world. Sherri was pure gold.

“I am so happy to see you,” Norah responds. She tears up a few times during her telling of the story of her last coffee date with her half-brother, David. Read the blog post Success or Progress? here to catch up on the disagreement.

“My girl, there is so much emotion in your voice,” Sherri reaches across the table to clasp Norah’s hand. “We both know David is a good brother and friend to you even if he does not get it sometimes. Why is this causing you so much pain?”

Norah closes her eyes to think. “Take your time, dear,” Sherri says.

An image flashed into Norah’s mind surprising her. She was seated in a conference room at her new job. The CEO had called this meeting. Norah arrived first, as usual, and as the rest of the team flooded the room, no one sat next to her. She felt that isolation again. The same mixture of sadness, anger, and loneliness she felt as a girl visiting her father’s home.

“I have been feeling a bit out of place at my new job,” Norah says. “I am the only BIPOC on the management team. I know it will take time to get to know people, but I feel completely alone. I was excited to meet with David and tell him about my progress, but he just ran right over me. I felt invisible which is precisely how I feel at work. Damn! You ask one question, and I figure the whole thing out!”

“Yes, you figured it out! It seems to me you needed the right person to talk to about it,” Sherri says. “Now, when did these two incidents occur?”

“The work thing was the day before I met David for coffee. Maybe they piled onto each other and made me more sensitive. I am too sensitive. I need to be less sensitive,” Norah said this softly and sighed.

“No, you are not too anything. You are you and you are magnificent!” Sherri and Norah both laughed at this. “Now, what are you going to do about it? That is the important thing.”

“Well, David texted an apology to me and wants to meet for coffee. First, I am going to make that a priority.” Sherri, hearing the hesitation in Norah’s voice, asks what she plans to say when she talks to David. Knowing that Norah needs time to think things out, Sherri suggests she write down a few points and make sure those points are discussed during the meeting with David.

“I guess I need to explain what upset me that day and tell him how I felt when we were kids,” Norah was back into her head thinking of what she wanted to say.

“And, now, what will you do about work?” Sherri asks.

“I have no idea what to do,” Norah confesses.

“Well, I have lived a long life, and I know I had to put myself out there. Face the rejection I expected in life. Sometimes I was surprised. Let me tell you a story. When I first started my business, I spent most of the time with people like me – other black folks who had their own businesses. The barber down the block, Sam’s restaurant, and so on. Then, when I was ready to expand my business, it was time to look beyond my own neighborhood. I went to a women’s business owner meeting through a chamber in the suburbs. Girl, not one woman in that room looked like me. You know what I did?” When Norah shakes her head and Sherri continues. “I took a deep breath, stood up straight and tall, and walked straight into that room. Now, this was 15 years ago. I started shaking hands and talking to these white women. Not everyone liked me, but you know what? Some of them did! I kept going back and in a few months, I had two new clients. Then they started to tell their friends about me, and so on.”

“I need to take a chance. What if I reached out to one of the directors at work and offered to buy her coffee. I really need to talk to someone about the culture there,” Norah says.

“That’s right! Why not reach out to all of them. Get to know them. And, remember, not everyone is going to like you. But many of them will like you. Why, anyone in their right mind would love you and respect you! Who could not love my sweet Norah?” Sherri sat next to Norah and gave her a warm hug.

After Sherri left, Norah sighed. If ever she needed her lists and gift for strategy, it was now. She opened her notes on the computer and started breaking down the conversation into action items for herself complete with deadlines.

What is the best piece of advice you received from a mentor? Who comes to mind when you think about someone who supports you? Picture that person before you set out to do something outside of your comfort zone. And, prepare for those conversations as Norah and David have learned to do.

Will Norah follow up on her promises to take action with David and the other directors at work? Watch for our next blog to read more about the evolution of David and Norah through self-improvement and conversation.

For more information on this and other topics, contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstoday.com

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MBT: Mentors Bring Truth

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

What do you do when you have a disagreement with your best friend? Talk to someone else about what you should do? That’s what our friends, David and Norah, who struggled last time they met when they disagreed over the definitions of success and progress, did. And, deeper than that, David’s style of communicating exhausted Norah, as it often does. Sometimes, he leaves her feeling ignored and unrecognized.

Well, David, being uncertain of what exactly he did that upset his friend, reached out to his boss. Edgar, the head of David’s practice group at the law firm, recently helped the young lawyer identify elements of his personality that needed improvement. He also gives real and precise feedback, something David gratefully accepts and uses to adjust his behavior at work. David trusts Edgar completely and hopes his insight will help with this situation.

Today, David and Edgar join us at the usual coffee shop. Norah canceled her meeting with David. In fact, she responded to his text messages with few words, like ok, yes, and TY (thank you). The only full sentence she sent him in the last two weeks said, “I am unable to make it to coffee this week.”

Edgar, a successful partner and rainmaker at the firm, is a tall, charismatic man with dark chocolate colored skin, a full black beard, and wisps of silvery gray dotting his sideburns. He walks briskly with confidence. He talks fast and seems to be in constant motion even when sitting still. David believes Edgar emanates positive energy. Whenever Edgar is in the room, people tend to smile.

“Okay, David. What seems to be the problem,” Edgar says this with his open grin.

“Thank you for meeting me, Edgar. This isn’t really about work, but I feel like you know me so well and are so good at helping me see where I may have gone astray, that you are the best person to ask. The other best person to ask is my best friend, Norah, but she is the one who is mad at me, I guess,” David stops to take a breath because he said all of that in a rush as one big, run-on sentence.

“Ok, David. Blow out quickly through your mouth like this – phew,” Edgar makes a quick whishing sound. “Good. Now, take in a deep breath and blow that out slowly. Good. Now, tell me what happened.”

David follows Edgar’s instructions, and immediately feels calmer. He then explains the interaction between Norah and him. For a refresher of those circumstances, read the blog post Success or Progress? by clicking the link.

When David stops talking, Edgar takes a breath and folds his hands together creating a pause. He then leans forward and says, “David, you are an extrovert. We talked about this before. You get so much energy from talking to other people. And that is great! It is who you are! It sounds to me like your friend Norah is an introvert.” Edgar pauses there.

“You are right! I know this. I blew her over with all of my talking!” David sighs and pulls at his hair. He messed up again. He thought he had succeeded in managing himself in social situations. Now, here again, he completely forgot to slow down and let Norah talk.

“Yes, and?” Edgar prompts him for the rest of the misstep.

David slumps back and slides forward in his chair. “I argued with her about the progress she made. Looking back at it, I think she was exhausted by my constant talking and interjecting into her story about progress. It’s just that she’s so talented but so hard on herself. It makes me crazy!”

“You really care about Norah. I can see that. What’s your next step?” Edgar says calmly.

“I want to be more like you, Edgar! You are an extrovert – I know it. I see it daily! Yet, you control yourself so well. When we talk, you give me your full attention. How do you do that!” David sits up in his chair as his enthusiasm resumes.

Edgar smiles. “You have to keep working at it, David. Celebrate the wins along the way, because that makes you happy, but once you think you conquered a new skill, life will show you that you need to work harder.”

“You’re never done with self-improvement. I get it,” David nods.

“Now, what is your next step in fixing things with Norah?”

“I am going to reach out and apologize first. Then, I will invite her back for the next coffee,” David is resigned to apologizing. At work lately, he has been practicing as he becomes more aware of his need to reign in his talking and create space for others to share their thoughts.

“Yes, and be specific with the apology. I can see you are sincere and I am sure your friend Norah will feel it, too,” Edgar glances at his watch for the first time since he sat down. “I have to get back to the office. Need a lift?” David nods and they leave together.

Has this situation ever happened to you? Do you tend to be the one who talks too much or the one who becomes exhausted listening to someone else? Whatever your personal communication style, learning to leverage your strengths and watch out for the backfires is a crucial skill in business and in life. Join us next time as David tries out his apology and listens more carefully to Norah.

To learn more, contact Mary Balistreri at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Success or Progress?

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

The conversation between David and Norah last time raised a number of questions for me. First, when will Norah address David’s lack of awareness regarding his being served first and skipping the line? What solution has Norah found for converting the negative messages in her self-talk? And, will David continue to listen to others rather than talking without a break and keeping others from joining in the conversation?

Today’s MBT could stand for Mastering Business Tasks or Missing Belonging To or Much Better self-Talk. Let’s give these two credit for trying to improve themselves and also, trying to help each other do better.

At this point, it has become more clear to me that our friends are of similar age, Norah is 27 and David in his early 30’s. Both battle their inner demons; those things that keep them from reaching their potential. For David, it is lack of organization, procrastination, and, as mentioned above, becoming more self-aware of his constant need to talk. For Norah, it is listening to those thoughts in her head that say she is not good enough, imposter syndrome, the struggle to fit into groups where she is generally the minority, and lack of confidence.

Today, they both arrive at the coffee shop simultaneously. With a little giggle, Norah gives David a hug as they get in line together. “I’m buying today!” David says and smiles a big, all-teeth-showing sort of smile. Norah recognizes the smile and the mood.

“Ok, what happened? Did you get a raise? Bring in a new client for the firm? Already make partner?” she asks.

“I’ll tell you when we sit down. What are you having?” he replies.

Norah orders her usual flat white. She smiles a little smile and looks down. David, who notices this as an affectation of hers, comments immediately. “Ok, and what are YOU so happy about today? Did you remember to tell yourself that you are fabulous and amazing today?” he nudges her with his elbow.

Her sweet face opens up into a full smile now; eyes popping, brows raising, ears elevating, skin glowing. “I’ll tell you when we sit down,” she says in a soft, placating tone.

Before their coats hit the chairs, David bursts into a monologue. “First, thank you for your ideas about the calendar. I have succeeded in managing my tasks AND in being a good listener! I started color-coding the tasks I put in my calendar based on the type of task and the urgency. Either my secretary or that book I was reading suggested that. Now, every morning, when I glance at the calendar, I know what I need to do and what is most important. Then, my boss told me some of the partners commented on my listening skills. And, one of them invited me to be part of a pitch team for a new piece of work! I did it! Feel free to congratulate me.” Norah could feel the positive energy emanating from David.

“Congratulations!” she replies to him and grabs his hand across the table giving it a little squeeze.

“This is like a high from running, you know? Oh, yeah, you don’t run. Like a high from doing something you love to do. Success! And, it was not really that hard to do, you know. Once I committed to both things and understood how to use the new skills, I was there. I just feel great!” he says this a bit loudly and stands up to give Norah a sideways hug and kiss on the cheek.

Once David is seated again, he says, “Oh, that’s right. What were you happy about and excited about? I know that smile from you. Tell me what is going on?”

Norah felt somewhat subdued by David’s experience. “Well, I have not succeeded in making something a habit yet, but I did make progress.”

“Well, c’mon! Tell me what you did! Is it about the negative self-talk?” David prods her to elaborate.

Norah shrugs in a small gesture. “Well, I made a list of a few questions to ask myself at night. Answering the questions is now a daily item on my to-do list. The first question is ‘what did I do well today?’ Then, I ask myself ‘what could I have done better?’ It is not as grand as what you accomplished,” she says.

“Wait, what? Not as grand? Can you give yourself credit for once? I know it is hard for you to compliment yourself. Sounds like you succeeded, just like I have!” David says all of this quickly and loudly, regaining his exuberance about his own accomplisments.

“I see this as just a start, David. I am learning a new habit . I believe I have a long way to go before I master this.”

“Do you have to master it? Isn’t it enough to do better at something some of the time or most of the time? That defines success to me. I would be happy, if I were you, if I answered those questions once each week.”

With David’s euphoria starting to wear her out, Norah gets up to leave. “But you are not me,” Norah smiles at this. “As a black woman, I wonder what would happen if I acted like you?” She laughs a bit. “And, you are a true extrovert while I am an introvert. I would never tell everyone I mastered something, even if I believed I had. Until next time. See you!”

“But, wait! I had more to tell you!” David stands up and waves. He quickly grabs his phone and texts her, “Talk tonight? I will call you. Thank you for a great conversation!” A bit bewildered because Norah clearly did not finish her coffee and they had fifteen minutes before their usual time to leave for work, David sits down and drinks his coffee.

Do you think David noticed Norah’s slight irritation with him? Do you get the feeling this scenario plays out over and over again? I wonder about David’s description of success and Norah’s insistence she is just making progress. When I work with clients, each develops their own definition of success. Some celebrate the little wins along the way, like David did. Others see success only at the completion of a project. How do you define success?

I look forward to the next conversation. Will Norah’s irritation grow until she no longer can control it?

For more information, contact us at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Sharing Behaviors That Bring Success

From The MBT Blog: Wisdom Is All Around Us - Mary Balistreri
If you missed the last installment, learn more about David and Norah here.

As you can see in the image accompanying this blog, Norah came through for David.  She sent him a simple list of steps to take so he can better organize life at his new job. Below I posted a better look at the actual notebook. David did his part, too. Texting messages to Norah about her skills and general awesomeness.

Today’s blog could be titled MBT – My Behaviors Top yours, or More Balance Tips the scales or Make a Behavior inTo a habit. I am sure there are more options for the MBT. Feel free to send your thoughts to me. Anyway, David and Norah realize what works for one of them does not work for the other.

Norah arrives early for her coffee date with David. She is dressed impeccably, as usual, in a colorful yellow and purple tweed suit that accentuates her beautiful cinnamon skin tone. She is stunning, yet does not notice the looks of appreciation she gets from others in the coffee shop.

She cannot wait to hear how her to-do list helped her half-brother, David. She sips her latte thoughtfully, smiling at the serenity she feels. Helping others is her favorite thing.

David breezes into the café in a flurry. Five minutes late and hair tousled, as usual, he stops at Norah’s table to drop off his coat and briefcase. He mutters a quick, “Hi!” before rushing over to the long line to order his usual black coffee. The clerk recognizes him and motions him over to the side, allowing him to skip the line, and hands him his cup. He hands her a $5 bill, tells her to keep the change, and rushes over to the table plopping himself down in a big whoosh.

“You skipped all those people in line!” Norah says, worriedly glancing at the line.

“Well, the clerk recognized me and knows my order. No harm done,” he replies to her.

“Do you not even notice all those glares we are getting? Of course you don’t, you wear your privilege well.” Norah says.

David takes a breath. This is not a new conversation for them. He does not want to spend the hour they have together debating. “I’ll do better next time. Let’s talk about those instructions you sent me,” he says.

“What did you think? Did it help you?” Norah relaxes and smiles. She decides to let the line-skipping incident go. They only have an hour today. She’ll save that for another time.

David pauses. He is learning to work harder on his delivery when he talks to people. He is likely to blurt things out without thinking much about them. Recent feedback from his group leader at his new job made him more conscious of this trait. He prepared ahead for this coffee meeting to make sure he relays his feedback in a non-judgmental way. “First, I want to thank you for putting in the effort. You are such a good sister. You always come through to help. For me, though, it was too much. Too many things to do.”

Despite his thoughtful word choice, Norah is visibly wounded. She looks down at the table. Usually, David would plunge in and continue talking, but he pauses to give her a minute. He knows she needs time to process. He also knows the result of giving her the pause should lead to a well-formulated response from her.

Norah looks up to reply, her beautiful dark eyes sparkling. “Ok, I get it. The lists always work for me, so I thought I would share the process I use. How did you decide to keep track of your tasks?” Norah has done her self-work over the years. In those few sentences, she tamped down her need to immediately find a different resolution to his problem. This is not easy for her, but the more she practices it, the better she feels about it.

“Well, I was at a loss for what to do. To be honest, I was all over the place, spinning in circles,” he laughs slightly, a self-deprecating and wounded laugh all at the same time. “Then my boss gave me a book to use to try to get better organized. I’m trying it out. I hope something in it sparks a solution for me.”

“You are truly blessed! Sounds like you have a good boss,” Norah is so pleased with David’s response, her smile is bright and shining.

“I do. He’s tough though. He gave me very specific feedback about my lack of listening skills. You would love him! He says a lot of the stuff you say to me. Pause. Slow down. Let the other person get a word in…” David only pauses when Norah interrupts him.

“Sounds like he’s got your number!” she laughs at this. Secretly, she hopes David will keep talking and forget about her assignment for the past two weeks.

“How is the positive messaging going for you? I know, I forget to text you every night as a reminder. The time got away from me. But I did text you a few times,” David says.

“Busted!” Norah thinks. “I did not do so well with this. I loved the text messages you sent. They made me feel good. But, I am struggling with how to shut down those negative voices in my head,” Norah speaks more softly when she says this.

“Why are you whispering?” David says, and then pauses, practicing this new skill.

“It’s embarrassing,” Norah continues in a whisper. “I am a director at a good sized organization. I have five people reporting to me. How can I expect them to trust me when I don’t trust myself.”

“Exactly,” David says. “Now don’t laugh at this suggestion, but I know you keep lists and journals all the time. Why don’t you just write things in your lists like ‘I’m fabulous’ or something.”

Norah rolls her eyes at him. “I would never write I’m fabulous. That is not a new idea though. I tell the people I mentor to write down the things they do well. Make a list…” Norah’s voice trails off as she thinks about this.

“Ok. You have your assignment until we meet for coffee in two weeks. I am going to need your help with a strategy then. I am going to a big conference and the firm expects me to network and bring in business. How am I going to do that?” David is a bit exasperated, but in a hurry.

Norah looks up in shock to see him grabbing his things to hurry out. “There was a comment about my being late for work, too. Have to go!” He leaves Norah who is still in thought about how she can use her skill with lists and organization to create a habit for herself. This negative thinking drains her spirit.

What do you think? Can David kick his procrastination habits and become more organized? Will Norah begin to accept her capabilities and stave off the imposter syndrome? Until next time, I would love to hear your thoughts. Drop me a note at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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MBT Blog: New Year, New Jobs

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog

Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Happy New Year! Welcome to the new MBT Blog. This year, MBT can stand for More Business Today, More Belonging Today, Much Bewilderment Totally, Mega Bonus Today, and so on. The new year offers so many opportunities, why limit MBT to its official meaning.

In 2023, I learned how clients, colleagues, family, and friends experienced the world. While the details were different from story to story, the themes were similar. Business is more than business, and relationships differ in each environment.

As I sit here in my favorite café sipping a beautifully constructed almond milk cappuccino and eating a gorgeous scone,  I look out the window at all the weather. Much Blowing of Snow Today. I am reminded of my own conclusion in 2023 as noted in my last blog post, “There is wisdom all around us, if we would only take a moment to stop and listen.”

As I return my mug to the counter in the café, I construct a tale of two friends, David and Norah. They are fictional characters, yes, and true reflections of so many of us. They share the challenges and triumphs I heard in the stories of 2023 and, those facing all of us this year. These two have wisdom to share, I think, with each other and with us.

David is a lawyer at a mid-sized law firm. He is excited to start as a senior counsel and is looking forward to making partner. Norah is a new director of relationships at a local nonprofit business. The two have been close since they were kids, sharing the same father although they were raised in separate households.

“I have been dying to talk to you,” David says, running his hands through his hair. “My new job is awesome, but there is so much to do. I don’t know where to start! You always have such good ideas for organization. Please, give me some pointers!”

Norah pauses, staring at David without saying a word. He is effusive as ever, she thinks. After a beat, she smiles, “Hello, how are you.”

David takes a deep breath and sighs. “I am well, how are you? And, thank you for the reminder,” he says. He relies on Norah to slow him down and remind him that he is not the center of the universe.

“You are welcome. A little bit of emotional intelligence is a good thing, David. Well, I love my new job, but I am a bit worried,” Norah says this so softly, he can barely hear her.

“What are you worried about? You love the mission of the place. You are a director for the first time and you are only 27! Everything is falling into a place perfectly for you, Norah.”

She takes a deep breath and looks down at the table for a second. David was used to this behavior from Norah. She could be the fiercest person on the face of the earth one second, and completely withdrawn the next. So, he waits in silence for her to speak again.

“It’s just that, I never managed people before. Don’t roll your eyes at me. You know it’s different for women in the workplace, especially women of color. I know I will be judged to a higher standard,” Norah said, raising her eyes to look straight at him. Norah’s mom was a beautiful tall, elegant African American woman, and their dad was a third-generation Sicilian American. Norah got the best traits of both of them, David thought. His half-sister was an amazing woman.

“I know,” he reached across the table and held her hand when he said it. “I am here for you. And, please, please, please, tell yourself every day that you can do this! You will be the best director they ever had.”

Norah nodded but did not feel any better. “Let’s talk about your problem now. What is it you are trying to organize? Remember what I have told you before. Use your calendar, set deadlines for yourself. You are such a procrastinator. You have to have solid deadlines.”

“You are right, course. First, though, let’s finish with your problem.” Seeing her raised eyebrow of surprise, David adds, “How’s that for emotional intelligence? Let’s set some deadlines for you, too. Every night, I want you to text me one positive thing about yourself. Something you did or a compliment you got from someone…”

“I got it, I got it. And, I agree to the texting! Thank you, David,” Norah laughs a little.

“Back to me, you are right, I need deadlines. I think I will use a notepad and write down everything I have to do so far. Then I can cross things off, like a list. You always make lists. What do you think?” David said.

“I think that will get old really fast and you will stop doing it tomorrow,” they both laugh at this. “Ok, here is what I think you should do,: Norah continues. Create a page on the notepad for the week you are in, one for the quarter, and one for the year. Then, keep it on your desk so you can find it and write in it anytime a new task comes up. Then, ask your assistant to put it into a spreadsheet for you so you can see all the deadlines.”

“Then, I don’t use the notepad anymore,” David asks, trying to visualize this to-do list and all the deadlines.

“No, you need to keep the notepad right there on your desk so you can put all the tasks on it. Then, maybe weekly, have your assistant update the spreadsheet for you,” Norah replies getting up to leave. “I have to go. I don’t want to be late. “

“What? I have so much more to tell you and ask you…” David continues talking while Norah interrupts. She knows she has to interrupt or he will never stop.

“Maybe you can be late to work at your new job, but I cannot and will not. I’ll text you tonight to tell you how great I am,” Norah says and walks out.

“Ok. Let’s do this again two weeks from now,” David shouts as Norah waves goodbye. He sends her a text with only the words “two weeks!” and a heart emoji. She sends back a thumbs up.

Do you think David and Norah will support each other throughout the year? I hope they do. I really like them. They both have strengths in different areas to share. As the year progresses, I hope the stories of David and Norah’s successes, failures, and challenges bring inspiration to you wherever you are.

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Conversational Insights or What I Learned from My Clients

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Since January 2021, I published 66 posts in the Client Wisdom Blog: Why Coaching Works. My focus throughout the posts has been on the wisdom clients bring to each session, participants bring to each training, and colleagues bring to each interaction. My eureka moment?

There is wisdom all around us if we just stopped to listen and experience it.

Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach

My question to everyone is, do you leave space in your conversations with people to hear and experience their wisdom?

As the years pass, I realize I do not know more than I do know. And, yet, I am a valuable person. I bring my own thoughts, ideas, and experiences to each project, situation, and conversation. And, I am constantly learning from everyone and everything around me. What do you bring to your interactions with your colleagues, family, friends, and strangers?

For example, during lunch with a friend last week, we shared recent experiences, our reactions to them, and our philosophies about life. Each new thought stimulated the next. It was invigorating to learn from each other and build upon our ideas. We stood up at the end of the conversation and hugged. The next day, we texted each other with mutual thanks. For me, the event was just one more example of how much wisdom is around me.

Pieces of Wisdom I Learned Since Beginning the Client Wisdom Blog:

  • Personal Experience Drives Change. All the conversations over the past few years illuminated the effect of personal experience on whether a person will open themselves up for change. Whether during a coaching session focused on developing business or a facilitation focused on diversity, I heard the phrase, “I did not understand, until I (insert something the person experienced).” For example, “I hated broccoli until my wife added cheese to it. Now, I ask for it every week.” A simple example that illustrates the concept well.
  • Perspective is everything. Individuals insert themselves into each interaction. They load the conversation with meaning based on their own past experiences and beliefs. This is why two people attending the same meeting come away with different understandings of the information that was shared. Getting a group of people “on the same page” is not as easy as telling everyone in the room the same things.

    When I work with clients, the trust we develop creates an atmosphere of openness. Both of us are likely to truly listen to the other person. Then, understanding a new perspective creates a lightbulb moment. Aha!
  • Having a successful conversation is an art. While Conversational Intelligence is based in neuroscience, the ability to move in and through conversations is an art. Sometimes it is a dance. Sometimes the participants are working in paint; sometimes clay for sculpting. What does it matter when you are a business leader? It matters as much as strategy. Learning to communicate clearly with your team is a vital business skill.
  • Understanding culture is key to success. The “it” factor at a company is created by the workforce at every level. A business has its culture, and so do the units within the business, the teams at all levels, and each individual person brings their own culture into the mix. Taking the time to understand cultures from the macro to the micro level leads to success. It also leads to the understanding of what success looks like. Why are we here doing this particular thing? The explanation may be clear to some in your organization and fuzzy to others. Understanding cultures is vital in crafting the messages needed to communicate at every level.
  • Belonging is the key. The biggest thing I learned is belonging is the key to every measure of success in any organization. It indicates how to interact with each other, how to communicate, how to collaborate, how to measure success, and how to reward achievements.

I feel so strongly about the importance of belonging in the workplace, I am making it the center of my new blog. This is the last of the Client Wisdom Blog. Watch social media and my web site for the new content in January 2024. In the meantime, continue to work on opening your mind to the wisdom all around you.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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A Few Do’s (Please, Please Do) of Business Development

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

My last blog post was about business development don’ts. Thank you for the opportunity to rant a little about the methods and techniques used in sales that annoy me, and most of us. Today is about the opposite. What kinds of approaches to developing relationships that lead to business work?

When I work with clients, nearly all of them express the need to stay true to who they are, to be authentic, in developing relationships that drive business. It takes much longer to develop a strong and lasting relationship than it takes to cash in on a quick sale. Satisfied customers are golden offering repeat sales, positive PR, and word-of-mouth, and straight up referrals. The returns on the time invested in the long run will be greater in every way – financially, emotionally, and socially.

Here are a few do’s, please do, of business development:

  • Do remind me how we met. Whether we met at a networking event or were introduced virtually by a mutual acquaintance, make sure to remind me when you reach out. Giving a bit of context warms up the beginning of the relationship and sets the tone for the next steps.
  • Do be transparent about your interest in me. When business people get together in a business setting, it should be clear to everyone that business is in the front of our minds. So, why do so many people jump in to act like the relationship is about just about being friends? The simplest way to avoid this is to talk about business at every encounter. For some people, their clients are their friends, and that is ok. Many people prefer to keep the relationships of business separate from friendships. If the potential client is a friend first, suggest a meeting specifically to talk about business so there is no confusion.
  • Do ask me what I enjoy before inviting me to an event or sending me a gift. Many organizations purchase tickets to sporting events or cultural events to help their associates develop business. Please ask me whether I want to spend my time with you at one of these events. The same applies to gifts of chocolate or wine or whatever. Make it an open-ended question, “My company has access to tickets to a number of events. What do you enjoy?” It develops a deeper relationship by creating an opportunity to learn more about the individual. You may gain great insight into the operations and values of the business and the person.
  • Do follow up with me after I presented a challenge. Many would-be business developers miss the obvious cues. Some are trying so hard not to appear sales-y, they are afraid to offer the help the potential client needs in the moment. If we are having a conversation, and I tell you I have a specific challenge, follow up with me. This is a clear sign of trust and a willingness to work together.
  • Do continue the relationship after you get the work. Once I hire you, keep in touch with me. Check in to make sure I am receiving great client service. Getting together to check in, twice each year at least, is a positive way to take the pulse of the services you are delivering and to look for additional ways to help. Survey are good and give you a baseline, but personal connections cannot be dismissed.

Now that all of you have read this, I look forward to healthier and more meaningful emails in my box and encounters at networking events.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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A Few Don’ts (Please, Please Don’t) of Business Development

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Most of the clients I coach in developing business hate the idea of it, because they do not want to be sales-y. “You don’t expect me to cold call, do you? Because I will not do that,” they say. I also hate cold calling. I hate being cold called or cold emailed or cold texted or whatever else sales people are doing coldly. I am in favor of the warm lead and the warm reach out.

Lately, I have been so annoyed by the kinds of sales emailed at me, I decided I have to write a blog about it. These tactics are, I believe, universally annoying. Whether you are a person who holds a position within a company to make purchasing decisions or someone, like me, who owns your own business, being approached in these ways is likely to not make a sale. In fact, it is likely to generate annoyance and distrust from your potential customer. Worst of all, it is likely to leave a huge negative impact on the brand itself.

Please, please:

  • Don’t Act Like You Know Me When We Have Not Met.
    This type of cold emailing goes something like this, “Hi Mary, Just checking in regarding your website. I know you are interested in reaching as many potential clients as possible.” I admit the “just checking in” makes me pause in case the person is actually someone I met while networking or with whom I am LinkedIn. When I realize I never met them, it becomes annoying. You don’t “know” anything about me, so leave me alone!
  • Don’t Act Like I Owe You Something When We Have Never Spoken.
    Here is a direct quote, “I’ve reached out to you thrice before without receiving a response, but I’m not going to give up easily.” Seriously? I do not owe you a response simply because you bought a list that has my email on it. For many of these sales methods, it is clear they are using an old list. They are spamming my personal email rather than my business email. Ouch!
  • Don’t Tell Me I’m Stupid.
    I want to lash out with a response to these emails, because they are the absolute opposite of what you should do when establishing a relationship with a potential client. But, I hold myself back. Someone please explain to me why a sales person believes degrading and humiliating a potential client and their business will lead to success? What am I talking about? The emails that start with, “I looked at your website and see you are trying to establish your brand. Unfortunately, It is clear your tactics just aren’t doing the trick. Here’s how I can fix it for you.”

    Another one in this genre talks down to the potential customer, me in this case, as if we are too inexperienced and unsophisticated to understand the world of technology. “In the digital frontier, (people like you) often find themselves wrestling with a rowdy gang of technological roadblocks.” As I continued to read this email, I was impressed with the prose but the resulting message to me came across as, “Don’t worry your pretty little head about technology. Us brave smarties will save you and your company with our intense skills.” Yuck!
  • Don’t Assume I Am Going To Miss Out on Something by Not Replying To You.
    This scheme is age-old. “I can save you 83%…” or “You really need to respond now to take advantage of this deal!” No, I don’t. Save me 83% of what? Because, I never planned to spend money the way you want me to spend it on your product. Enough said.
  • Don’t Clog Up My Email Box.
    As a coach, I receive multiple emails every day from businesses asking me, “Can you take on 100 new clients?” or “Do you need 50 new qualified leads per month?” This strategy makes me laugh the most, because they plan to set me up with leads so I can do the same thing to someone else they are doing to me. Spamming. Shaming. Annoying. Misrepresenting. Just no, no, no!

When working to drum up new business, remember:

  • Think beyond this moment. You can make a fast sale, or work harder to develop a trusting relationship.
  • Misrepresenting yourself at the outset of a relationship smashes trust to bits. If you start that way, it’s over before you begin.
  • A happy customer is a repeat customer, and likely to become a referral source.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Strategy + Action = Success? What’s Missing from Your Recipe?

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Clients often ask, “What are the steps to bring in new business?” Or, “Tell me what I need to say to get my team to trust me so they will be more productive.” Or, “What do I need to do to make my new business a success?” There are many recipes for success, and some of the elements are essential. The biggest factor is starting with your purpose. Not just what you are trying to achieve; why is it important for you to achieve it?

Most business people have seen Simon Sinek’s TEDx Talk about knowing your why. It is actually called, “How Great Leaders Inspire Action.” The concept can be applied to multiple situations within and outside of business. Your employees and clients need to understand and see your “why” in order to work with you, and, I discovered, so do your children, friends, and spouse. You need to understand your purpose prior to trying to articulate it to others. In fact, you probably are communicating your purpose through your actions. Others may already know what it is.

So, let’s start with you first, as we often do in the client wisdom blog. Clients continually teach me the importance of authenticity in every aspect of life and business. Work to understand yourself. It is work, and it brings peace and clarity the more you do it. Take the time to listen to your thoughts. Who do you want to be each day in the world? What are your values? What is your purpose in starting a new business?

I have a great, wise friend who states clearly on her web site her passion for supporting leaders to have fearless conversations. She knows her purpose and clearly articulates it. Supporting leadership in conversation is the reason she opened the doors to her business.

As I delved into my own purpose, I started by writing down my own values. For me, I am motivated by supporting others to reach their goals. Each self-assessment I took over the years pointed in the same direction: people-person, coach, entrepreneur, intuition, idea-person. Every single assessment funnels the results in the same and related ways.

My purpose in starting my business is to make a living supporting individuals and organizations to succeed through mindfully building belonging into their businesses.

Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach

How about you? As the title of this article states, strategy plus action may be the recipe for success if the journey and the results of the journey satisfy your purpose.

Equally important before you develop your strategy is to define success for you and your business or leadership role. Success can be different things to different people. Think about what success looks like to you and then compare that image to your purpose. Do they match up?

Know yourself, define success for you, and then develop your strategy. Your values help you understand what you want to achieve and your strategy dictates the tactics you will use to succeed. For instance, if your values tell you that your family is the most important part of your life, then a tactic that keeps you away from them most of the year would not be the right one for you. You may achieve the goal, but will you be happy?

The recipe for success? How about Purpose + Vision for Success + Strategy + Action = Your Success?

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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How Big Is the Box You’re In? Are Your Lines Drawn with Permanent Marker?

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

I sometimes challenge myself and my clients to spend time listening without passing judgement on what other people are saying. It is impossible to really do it, but when I try to do it, I realize how many judgements I make every minute. Before someone finishes a thought, I think I know what their point will be based on the first thing they said. When I pay attention to the conversation rather than trying to jump forward in my head, I often learn that my assumption was incorrect.

Listening and trying to focus your mind to be present in a conversation is critical to understanding. I am probably stating the obvious.

As I continued to listen during the month of August, the image of people drawing lines in the sand came to mind. They draw the line in the sand to block out specific information or people. “I am done with this person or situation. No one had better cross this line,” they are saying in my imaginings. In the case of the sand, though, the tide comes in and washes the line away. There is hope for a change of heart.

The next vision that popped into my head was a box with someone inside it. Each time the person drew a line, their box shrank. As the box became smaller and smaller, the person disappeared so completely that they literally drew themselves into non-existence. Other people lost sight of them, because they were buried in their boxes.

This vision brought me to tears, and yet, I know many of us are happily containing ourselves in ever-shrinking boxes. If they lines we drew were in the sand, they could wash away over time. If we used pencil instead of permanent marker, we could easily erase the lines as we learned more and as we became more understanding. If our cubes were made only of cardboard, we could break out. I fear that, for many, the box is made of solid steel.

It made me wonder what substance could penetrate the boxes. How do those of us on the outside reach those on the inside? Then it occurred to me: we think we are gaining control over people and ideas by blocking them out of our lives. Actually, the opposite is true.

We lose our power by drawing lines and shrinking into our boxes.

Mary balistreri, the mindful business coach

By refusing to participate in the world, we give up the power to voice our own thoughts and ideas. We lose the possibility of finding a person who may support us. We block out the possibility that an idea or piece of information might help us reach our goals. Some boxes group together believing there is safety in numbers. As long as everyone agrees to everything, life will be perfect, right? In this case, I feel confident saying never, it is never the case. We create an echo chamber that is void of innovation, thought, and collaboration. Everyone loses.

Sometimes it is important to block a person from your life. Not every relationship is good for you. Sometimes it is important to leave a toxic environment. Not every place is the place you need to be.

Ultimately, be mindful of generalizations that build your box. Your difficulty may be with one person, not all the people similar to that person. You may disagree with one idea, but not with all the ideas that are different from your own. Growth demands innovation. Innovation demands variety in thought. Think about it and spend some time listening.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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You Achieved Your Goal. Now What?

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Clients often tell me they feel empty after achieving a goal. They are deflated and defeated somehow. They do not feel like celebrating. “It’s as if I put in so much effort, and now I’m completely flat,” they say. Their plate which was completely full of action items to move them closer to their goal is suddenly empty.

You probably heard the thought “the satisfaction comes from the journey itself and not the achievement.” Maybe. I believe the value comes from exploring a client’s reaction to the achievement.

After a big win, some clients decide to move on as if nothing special occurred. Some report feelings of exhaustion and lack of excitement about the very thing they worked so hard to achieve. A few have a reward planned for themselves and indulge in that.

As their coach, I ask clients to explore all these responses.

How to handle success is as important as how to handle defeat.

Mary balistreri, the mindful business coach

In the early stages of coaching, I work with clients to discover the obstacles that hold them back. Clients diligently dig into their self-awareness sometimes taking assessments to help them evaluate their strengths and weaknesses. Once they are more aware of how they react in situations, we create solutions and strategies to deal with and manage their reactions.

Then we design a plan of action so that each day, clients have a task or a focus to keep them on track. During this entire cycle of improvement, there is a road map of sorts which illustrates our next steps. Clients know what to do and can see their progress plotted as they move forward. We discuss the progress made and data collected at each session. It is a time of movement – forward and backward – and of experiencing the ripples of productivity.

Suddenly, the objective is met and everything seems to stop.

Success is not an ending. It is a beginning. There is as much to learn from a success as there is from a failure. Achievement presents new opportunities to explore. There is more to discover about yourself now from how you respond to success.

Here is a brief to-do list for success:

  • First, stop and celebrate. You deserve to feel the satisfaction of winning and to reward yourself in whatever way makes you feel great.
  • Next, take a moment to just breathe and exist. Not every day needs to be filled with challenges. It’s ok to take a nap or hang out with friends without talking about work.
  • Now, take out the old journal. Over the next few days or few weeks, make a few notes. Ask yourself:
    • How did I respond when I achieved this goal? Did I minimize it? Did I deflect the credit and attention? Did I relish it? Did I brag about it, and if so, did I do it tastefully or did I drag others down in my pride?
    • What can I learn from this success?
      • What did I do well?
      • What would I do differently if I could do it over?
      • How will this impact my approach to problems and goals in the future?
  • Finally, consider asking a friend or colleague who understands the circumstances around the goal for their input and advice.

It is your decision how to move forward. Some clients prefer to keep moving by capitalizing on their lessons learned as soon as they can. Others take a break and enjoy life. It is all in your control.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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The Coach Is Part of Your Team

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Every month, I meet with two incredible coach friends. One is from Manchester, England, and the other is from China. The three of us met almost five years ago while earning our Conversational Intelligence (CIQ) coaching certifications and were part of the same cohort. We love to get together to talk about CIQ, our coaching businesses, and our newest learnings.

Today we talked about Gestalt and theories about boundaries from his teachings. One of our threesome has been studying Gestalt for nearly three years. The information she shared aligned perfectly with the extremes I see in my coaching practice lately. A trend I noticed is my clients seem to demonstrate the two extremes of boundaries: either having no boundaries – afraid to speak up for themselves, putting everyone else before themselves, not knowing when to say “no” – or insulating themselves from the thoughts, opinions, and insights of other people.

I find it interesting that my clients are trending at the two extreme ends. So did my colleagues this morning who enlightened me as they always do. The input expanded my mind to continue to dig for more information about Gestalt and boundaries to better help my clients.

The conversation led me to think about the value coaching brings to clients. I believe it illustrates why coaching is so enormously popular. I concluded this:

The individualized shorthand a coach creates for a client adds immediate value by bringing exactly the right tool or concept to the coaching session and helping the client use it to improve their situation.

MaryQuote

Coaching works when the coach is part of your team. Imagine finding time in your role as an executive in a business or organization to study all the new ideas in leadership. There is no time for that. It seems a new leadership book is published every day. As a leader, you need your team to bring you their expertise and knowledge to you so you make informed decisions. The coach is part of your team supplying valuable information for you to use daily.

The scenario changes from client to client, yet in each situation, I tailor my approach to the client. The adjustments include which pieces of information fit the individual personality, goals, needs, position, and business of the client.

I create a shorthand so you preserve your time to focus on your job, company or organization, and team.

This is especially true when the coach works with an organization over a period of time getting to know the goals, leaders, team dynamics, and culture. A coach studies the latest ideas, assessments, and tools and applies that information directly to the situation.

A coaching concept for this is dancing in the moment. When I pull the information from my knowledge grabbing exactly the right piece of the puzzle and offering it to my client, and then, my client responds with affirmation (and sometimes extreme excitement), I am dancing. It is the greatest feeling for me and also for my clients.

As a result, the clients may see things through a new lens, or find the key to a struggle in that moment. Then, they realize the magic of coaching.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Strengths and Your Team

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Several years ago, my family embarked into the unknown world of Alzheimers. In addition to navigating the condition of our mother, several family members were very ill and there were multiple deaths that year. My sisters and I all pitched in to execute on tasks that were vital, provide emotional support, and figure out the legal issues involved. We worked together to make sure we accomplished things well from every aspect of the situation.

Afterward, we remarked that each of us lent our talents and skills to create the best outcome. The difference this time, as opposed to earlier in our lives, was that rather than expecting each other to perform in ways that were not natural for the individual person, we opened our minds to recognize the strengths of each of us. It was a lightbulb moment and one of exponential growth for us.

Expect what each can give and celebrate the contribution rather than expecting unrealistic acts and feeling angry or dissatisfied with each other.

The Balistreri Sisters

The same holds true for work situations. Through the years as a coach, many clients talk to me about their company’s lack of follow through when it comes to strengths. For instance, a business or non-profit organization will invest the time and money into working with teams to assess what “type” each person might be. Whether it is the Meyers Briggs or the Disc or something else, each person receives the report about their type.

The report generally precedes a discussion with the whole team. Often, the consultant involved will chart the team member’s individual types to identify where the group is strong in skillset and where there may be gaps. Everyone discusses how to adapt for the gaps and better understand the approaches of other team members to make the team more productive and the work more enjoyable and efficient.

Then, no one talks about it ever again. It’s true. I personally have been a member of teams where this has happened.

Why is this important? It is vital to use the investment in identifying strengths and gaps for so many reasons:

  1. Trust develops. A discussion of skillset and the application of strengths opens up individuals on the team. They feel heard and valued. When no more is made of the initial discussion, people feel cheated or fooled or disrespected.
  2. Authenticity is promoted. When trust develops and employees understand their value to the team, they become more comfortable being themselves at work.
  3. Belonging happens. Workers who are committed to their company or organization believe they belong in the environment. Happy people tend to be more productive.
  4. Your team performs in a crisis. When the team understands everyone’s strengths, and the leader of the team directs the work in ways that match with those strengths, the team performs best in crisis situations.

In the case of me and my sisters, the next time we experienced a crisis, we each jumped into our roles. We acknowledged who should do what based on those strengths. The management of the work at hand was much easier and more productive. The same can happen in your organization when you acknowledge strengths and then provide your team members with opportunities to use their individual skills to create the best results.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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It’s Always Something

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

The spirit of Rosanne Rosanna Danna has been flooding my mind lately when I meet with clients. I see her bobbing head with her huge dark hair as she recounts her famous tagline, “It’s like my grandmother used to say to me when I was just a little girl: “My little Rosanne Rosanna Danna, it’s always something. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.”

My clients are committed to the coaching, and, something really truly does intrude upon their work lives and their home lives to pull them off track. The kinds of phrases I hear from them that bring Rosanna to mind are:

  • “If I could just finish hiring these five people, then I will be able to relax.”
  • “Once this project is complete, I will have time to work on my action items.”

Those sentiments are often followed by these:

  • “Once I train these five people, I will be able to relax.”
  • “Now that my project is complete, I needed to focus on the rest of my work, so my action items need to wait.”

I see these statements as absolutely legitimate. My clients feel the effects of the changes and demands in life constantly. The key is to recognize the truth that there will always be something happening to offset your plans. The answer to this phenomenon?

Prioritize the commitments you make to yourself.

Make time to hire the employees and train them well. AND earmark time in your day to complete the activities that lead you achieve your goals. Focus part of your energy on your projects and your day-to-day tasks. AND take time to focus on your own goals.

You can do all the things smartly. Make yourself one of the things included in “all the things.”

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Don’t Wait! Write It Down!

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

The greatest success I witness in clients comes when they leap over the hurdle of journaling. You may have noticed many of my blog posts include the advice, “Write it down.” Why is that? Why is it so important?

When clients approach my business, they look for ways to improve their business development or leadership skills and strategies. In both cases, they discover an adjustment of mindset creates the difference that helps them move forward and achieve their goals.

In my last blog, I noticed how my clients show their brilliance through the reflection portion of coaching and the incredibly diverse thoughts they bring to the conversation. Using a journal and getting into the habit of writing thoughts down is an indispensable tool in making self-reflection a habit.

Several of my clients show little interest in journaling at the start. “Isn’t that just another thing for me to add to my already overwhelming list?” they ask me. As we continue to talk about it, I hear things like, “It seems so fluffy and touchy-feely,” or “I can’t explain why, I just don’t want to do it.”

What tends to happen is once they make themselves try it, they find value in it. Writing down their thoughts opens the clients’ minds to the possibilities for them. It paints a picture, in their own words, of the reasons behind the difficulties they have executing on specific tasks. It reveals patterns that help them notice their own behaviors or their reactions to the behaviors of others.

Ultimately, the journal becomes the greatest method of understanding themselves.

“How do I capitalize on this great tool?” you may be asking yourself. Here are some questions you can start with:

  • At the end of the day, ask yourself: What did I do well today? What could I improve?
  • Who am I outside of the labels (not including parent, spouse, sibling, friend, your profession or job title, etc.)?
  • What makes me happy?
  • What do I like most about my job?
  • What are my greatest strengths? How can I use those strengths to achieve my goals?

In addition to the self-understanding gained from journaling, there is power in writing things down. It’s like buying a red car. Once you do it, you notice red cars are everywhere. The more you write things down, the more likely you are to focus on achieving your goals. Give it a try!

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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My Clients Are Brilliant

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Over the last several weeks, many of my clients made significant progress toward a goal. As a coach, I watch for signs of improvement. I help the client take notice of positive changes. My clients exhibited so much impressive change lately, I needed a new word to use in addition to kudos, congratulations, awesome, and fabulous.

The word is brilliant. My friend in Manchester, who is also a brilliant coach, uses this word frequently. I love the word every time she uses it. And now, it best describes my clients and their progress. They are brilliant!

After finding the correct word, and feeling quite brilliant for doing so, I reflected on how this great success happens. How do individuals and teams move themselves forward until they realize significant change?

There are themes that travel across all of my coaching engagements. Individuals or groups seek to improve in an area or areas. We set goals to create a path for moving forward. Then, we embark on a journey of action / reflection; action / reflection. It all looks a bit humdrum on paper. Why am I so excited?

While goals and actions may be similar from one client to the next, the difference – and the brilliance – shines through in the reflection. Clients reveal to me infinite ways to look at, digest, interpret, and define the information that comes to them and through them. My clients are brilliant! And that is the magic of coaching.

As a coach, I ask the questions that resonate with clients so that they recover their own wisdom. Some questions are the same from coaching session to coaching session. Some manifest through the individual circumstance. I use a number of clichés from person to person as we look for a way to frame things that speaks to the individual.

Coaching is a quest and a journey. It takes hard work, resilience, focus, and motivation to realize results.

In the meantime, here are a few of the clichés you will hear when working with a coach that are absolutely true:

  • Baby steps.
  • Eat the elephant one bite at a time.
  • Eat the frog first thing every morning.
  • You hold all of the answers in your own mind (just like Dorothy and the ruby, red slippers).
  • If you focus on a particular outcome, you will start seeing ways to obtain the goal.
  • Persistence is key.

My brilliant clients benefitted from all of the clichés above and a number of other analogies. Which ones work for you? How have you made improvements that helped you achieve your goals?

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Perception & Self Image

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Have you ever participated in a 360 assessment? This is an assessment where you assess yourself and those who work with you – in 360 degrees around you – also give you feedback. That means your boss, your direct reports, your peers, your clients, and your colleagues have an opportunity to participate. It is an incredible process. Exciting and scary! There is tremendous value in learning how others perceive you.

I went through – it is definitely something you go through – one of these 360 feedback assessments several years ago. The primary positive feedback drew a picture of me as a rock. Yes, a rock! Sturdy, dependable, reliable, strong Mary – that’s me. I was so disappointed. To me it evoked the highest level of boring. I didn’t want to be a rock. I wanted to be a shooting star. I want to be seen as creative, engaging, etc.

The feedback suggesting areas needing improvement was brutal. Apparently, I made up my mind regarding how to solve a problem before asking my team for their input. This is defeating for the team. I cried, and I knew it was true. Even though the feedback came to me many years ago, I continue to work on this aspect of my personality now. I have improved, and I am constantly evaluating my behavior. How did I do today? Did I listen to the suggestions of others with an open mind?

As a leader, that piece of feedback was absolute gold for me. I now see it as an invaluable gift that helps me concentrate on my biggest passion – helping other people achieve their goals.

I have guided many of my clients through this kind of feedback process. In the end, they are grateful for the feedback they received, even if it was hard to take. Sometimes though, learning about areas for improvement can push you off your path. It can negatively impact self image and confidence.

Keep this in mind: Hold onto the positives of your self image and realize feedback will help you become even better.

Keep this in mind: Most of the feedback will be positive. Embrace it! It is very human to focus on the constructive feedback more than the positive feedback. It is a good thing that my team, boss, and clients perceived me as dependable. It means they felt they could depend on me.

If you are planning to gather feedback, here are some tips to help you keep things in perspective. Grab your journal or your favorite notepad for this. Settle down into a comfortable and comforting space. Supply yourself with your favorite drink or music.:

  • Before taking a self-assessment or diving into a 360 assessment, make a list of the traits in your personality that you view as positive. Make a list of one or two traits that you believe you need to change or be managed more closely.
  • Now write down your goal for participating in the assessment. What do you want to achieve? Why is it important to you now?
  • Decide. It is very important to decide that this assessment is what you want right now.
  • Commit. Commit to keeping an open mind and to taking action based on the results of the assessment. Commit to yourself.
  • Make sure you have someone – a coach or someone who is certified to administer the assessment – on board to walk you through the results and interpretation of the results.
  • When looking at the results, have that list of positive traits and areas for improvement that you wrote down with you. Remember who you are. Think about who you want to be.
  • When the perception of who you are is not in line with who you believe you are, it is clear you need to make some changes. Plan. Pick just one area for improvement and take action.
  • After three months, look at your progress.

Feedback is a gift. When you receive it, be sure to thank those who gave it to you. Be you, and improve.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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How Your Gifts Come Back

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I recently worked with family members to clean out two households. One last year was for my mother who has dementia and is in assisted living. The other was for my sister who passed away in February. It started me thinking about the weirdness of getting gifts back when I had loving chosen them for the people I love.

The gifts I am receiving now – from myself through a circuitous route – are little things like holiday-themed pins and earrings, artwork I had commissioned for my sisters (I had one made for each of us, now I have two), and pieces of clothing. What an uncomfortable feeling! And yet, what a glorious gift. These re-gifts offer new opportunities for me to carry these people with me. I am learning to shake off the strange feeling and embrace the joy this brings.

In the midst of this curious situation, my clients are experiencing a return of gifts they have given. Gifts of mentoring, kindnesses they have shown, and sometimes advice they have given. In all of these cases, they expected nothing in return. Yet, in a few years, sharing time and experiences led to gaining a new client – an unintended result. They feel a bit uncomfortable about reaping these rewards, because their intention was purely to help and support someone.

Likewise, as a coach, one of the greatest gifts I receive is when I hear a client incorporate my words into their thought process and behavior. Things like, “I realized that my negative thoughts were draining my energy,” or , “After I reconnected with more of the people in my network, I found that they were excited to hear from me.” My words often come back to me.

I am not offering action items with today’s post beyond this – think about and notice all of the gifts you give. Here is a list of a few:

  • Your time
  • Listening
  • Advice
  • Mentoring
  • Strategies
  • Ideas

What kinds of gifts have you given? How do you feel when they come back to you?

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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One Thing At A Time

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It seems that nearly everyone I speak with expresses feeling overwhelmed and anxious. My clients work in professions that demand the highest levels of accountability and responsibility. On top of that, they do the work of self improvement. And, they are dedicated to their families, communities, and social circles. It is difficult to show up for everything and everyone 100% of the time.

My clients master the ability to turn an idea or concept into a solid, actionable item to move themselves toward continual self-improvement. Stars currently, they strive for superstardom. The weight of constant expectations puts many of them into overload.

During our coaching sessions, we work together to develop habits that lessen the overwhelm and the fatigue. Like most things, the first step is to be self-aware. Where does stress come from and how can it be managed?

Here are some tips to get you started:

  • First, set your mindset. When you think of the items on your todo list, what image comes up? How do you feel? Make a note of it.
  • Many clients see their task list as never-ending with pages and pages of items or a big cloud of “stuff” to do. Let go of infinity and close in on one item at a time. For example, when you wake up on Monday morning, redirect your thinking to the few most important items to accomplish.
  • Talk to yourself. Remind yourself, “I do not to finish this entire list today.”
  • Each day, prioritize your bigger list by making a list of the few items that you want to complete that day. Some people like to write the physical list, while others keep the list in their heads. Either style works. If you are the kind of person who loves to check things off, make sure you give yourself that satisfaction at the end of the day. If you prefer to keep track in your head, make sure you erase the items you finished to clear them from your brain.
  • Take breaks. Your watch probably tells you to stand up every hour. If you do not follow those instructions, set a timer and walk away from your desk every two hours.
  • Take a lunch break. Walk outside. Eat lunch somewhere other than your desk.
  • At the end of the week congratulate yourself. Focus on what you accomplished rather than what you did not get to.

As time goes by, the habits you create to insulate you from fatigue and anxiety will pay off in big ways. Ultimately, you will find your are more productive when you do your best job of managing your task list.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Stuck in the Middle

From The Client Wisdom Blog by Mary Balistreri

When talking with my business development coaching clients, I find some people excel in making connections through networking and some people excel at hauling in a piece of business that is known and ready to close. The challenge for many comes from the middle portion. The struggle is how to keep a relationship moving forward to its conclusion and turning the talk into clients.

The marathon nature of developing business relies on the ability to keep moving despite the exhaustion and, sometimes, boredom of slogging toward the finish. Where is the finish line? It seems to stealthily creep away when you are in the middle of the run. The sooner you build business development stamina, the more resilient you will be when you feel stuck in the middle.

Keep moving! The most important thing to do is to keep moving. Remember, it takes 8-10 meaningful touches and 8 months to three years to bring in a new client. Check out the tips below for ways to maintain your momentum and finish strong.

Tips:

  • Adjust your mindset every morning with positive statements. What you think creates your world each day. Every morning, be intentional about what you will accomplish that day. Choose your message. “I will reach out to a potential client today.” “During the meeting with my current client, I will ask them about their newest challenges.” “I will follow up with on the challenges I discussed with my prospect at yesterday’s meeting.”
  • Make a list of the bus dev actions you will take. At the start or end of the week, make a list of actions you will take to move a relationship forward. Hang the list next to your computer so that when the time comes to act on the list, it is nearby and you can jump right in.
  • Talk about business. Clients get frustrated about the lack of business from relationships they are developing. We often discover together that when they are meeting for coffee, lunch, or a zoom call, the discussion is about personal things and not about business. Each time you connect with a prospective client, be sure you talk about business. This is how you discover their needs. Open-ended questions like, “What is challenging you now,” and “What are the goals for your business unit this year,” open the door to understanding how your business can help their business.
  • Remember to talk about your business, too. People love to talk about themselves, and after you listen to them, make sure to take some time for your business. Tell them what kind of trends you see in work you do which might apply to their business.
  • Act on opportunities immediately. A prospect mentions at the end of a coffee meeting that they would love to work with you. Act immediately to continue the conversation. Even if the cadence of your meetings is quarterly, this is a sign the prospect is ready to move forward. A possible response is, “I am happy to hear that. I would love to work with you, too. Let’s talk about what we need to do to make it happen.”
  • Adjust your goals. When your goal is focused only on bringing in a new piece of work, you may disappoint yourself and lose your momentum. Adjust your goals to smaller landmarks. I suggest clients create reasonable goals for each meeting with a prospect. For example, after meeting someone at at networking event, the first goal is to schedule a meeting to get to know each other. After achieving that goal, the goal for the meeting may be to discover whether there is an opportunity with this prospect. And so on.
  • Reward yourself. Create a reward system for yourself to match the size of the goals achieved. What is the right reward for you? Maybe you eat a piece of quality chocolate when you finish your follow up; you take a Friday afternoon off after you have submitted a proposal to a prospect; and you treat yourself to new shoes or a fancy dinner once a contract for work is signed. Acknowledging your progress in bits adds to the resiliency you are developing.

Start now and build your resiliency to increase your business development stamina. Get unstuck from the middle.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Lessons from My Sister

My sister, Ann, passed away on February 18. In reflecting on her life, I realized she was true to herself. She lived authentically; something we are all trying to do and talking about doing these days.

Her death reflected her life. All of the elements of her personality shone through during those last few days.

She was dramatic. As the photo captures so well, Ann loved drama. It could be argued she also created drama or that drama found its way to her. She had an abundance of stories to tell about adventures including wild places, exotic characters, and strange happenings. Her last few days on earth, in keeping with who she was to her core, were very dramatic. The hospital stay had many ups and downs entwining hopes for a recovery with uncertainty until revealing her stay on earth was ending.

She got to yell at someone. Ann was a yeller, declaring this tendency to be very Sicilian and taking pride in it. She had big opinions and told people what to do; often speaking very abruptly and loudly. It made her happy. At her deathbed, she grabbed the opportunity to yell at a few family members to learn to get along with each other. “You love each other! It’s not worth it (to fight). Get along!” she cried. Forming the words was difficult in her condition, and she found a way.

She defined many moments of her life with music. Music filled the background of Ann’s days and nights. She listened continually and I believe it numbed her pain by offering a safe place for her mind to seek relief for her body. On her deathbed, she chose songs to play at the funeral. “Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles occupies space at the top of the list. We played it for her several times while she drifted in and out of consciousness.

She was creative. Ann was gifted with great creativity combined with a process-oriented mind. I was in awe of her ability to take a few pieces of broken artificial Christmas tree limbs and magically turn them into wreaths that could have come from a high-end catalog. Her description to Harry & David in a complaint letter about the less-than-perfect peaches she purchased made your mouth water craving the perfection she knew from the fruit. In death, she vividly described everything and everyone she saw in the in-between world she was experiencing. ” I see pink, and blue swirls. I see sparkles,” she described. She told us she saw a loved one who passed a few years ago and she was cooking.

She spoke her mind. If you regularly flamed visibly when embarrassed, you did not go out in public with my sister. She said what came to mind in every situation. The upside was you always knew what she thought. In death, she told us several times, after waking from a turn surfing in the in-between world, “I’m not dead yet! I’m not dead!” All of us reassured her that we knew she was alive.

She was spooky. My sister saw ghosts, encountered the mischievous doings of poltergeists, and was very interested in the mystical magic elements of our Sicilian heritage. My husband, Steve, is also a bit spooky. Her only words to him were, “I’ll talk to you later” meaning after her death. I have no doubt she will keep her word.

She loved enormously. Love was a four-letter word to Ann both positive and negative, filled with enormous happiness, great sadness, betrayal, disappointment, soaring bliss. Love was the most important part of life. Upon seeing one of our nieces at her deathbed, pure bliss spread across her face. “Is it my Aimee? My little Aimee?,” she said over and over again. Her primary message for everyone was a simple, “I love you.” She shouted it into the phone for friends who called. She spoke it loudly at times and softly at times to those who gathered in her hospital room. And, finally, she spoke it with her eyes as she looked up at us with recognition at the very end.

Often during my life, I would get caught up in the woulds and shoulds. Should I do this or what would happen if I did that. Ann’s advice to me remained consistent. “Do what you want,” she said, “And don’t worry about it.”

She was right. I am the happiest when I am being myself. I also worry less when I direct my own destiny rather than worrying about what other people will think of me. That was the key to her longevity.

She was completely, authentically, gloriously Ann to the end.

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Pick Me! Pick Me!

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Do you tend to raise your hand whether you are called on or not? Do you love jumping up to take on a new challenge? Does your enthusiasm seep into conversations, because you have so much to say?

In our last blog, we talked about those who tend not to raise their hands: the people who need to be called on to share their thoughts. Some of you responded that the blog spoke to you. Some of you at the opposite end of the spectrum raised your hands to say you were hand raisers. Today, let’s talk about you.

First, congratulations to all of you hand raisers. The world needs you to keep things moving. Your voice, like all voices, is important. However, just as in the case of the non-hand raisers, you may be missing out and creating situations where others are missing out on the value you can bring.

What do I mean by that? You may be thinking, “If I tend to tell people what I think, share my ideas, and volunteer for positions, how can others miss hearing my voice?” Here’s how:

  • Burnout. Often volunteering for too many things leads to not having enough time to accomplish things well. People who are over extended may peter out and stop showing up. Or it becomes hard to be present, because there are so many more things to accomplish. Others miss out on the value you can really bring because you are only half committed.
  • People stop listening. If one person is constantly speaking and giving their opinion, others stop listening. When people stop listening, they make assumptions about the messages. They may miss the substance of what is being said.
  • Others stifle their own ideas. The non-hand raisers in particular hold their ideas closer and often refrain from speaking up. There may be no space for them to insert an idea. The hand raisers miss the benefits of other points of view. Ultimately, it is counter to innovation, because an echo chamber is created. Only one source of opinion is heard.
  • You may not be saying what you think you are saying. Many people think out loud. This is a trait of extroverts. Extroverts problem solve while they are talking. As a result, those listening may check out and not stick with the thought process through to the end. So, the final resolution is lost.

What is the solution for hand raiser to make a bigger, better impact on the world? Here are some thoughts:

  • Continue to volunteer. Whether you raise your hand for a position or to add to a discussion, keep doing that and be more mindful of how you do it and when.
  • Pause. Take a step back to consider the situation before you jump up and raise your hand. If you are considering taking on a new project or new job, sit down with a notebook and write down the pros and cons. Why are you volunteering? How does it impact your goals for the year? How much time will it take, and do you have empty spaces in your calendar that you can give up?
  • Pause 2.0. If you are in a conversation and want to share your thoughts on a subject, pause before speaking. Write down your thoughts if you are in a meeting. This pause gives you time to think the subject through and finesse your idea. The end result will be a more succinct idea and a higher likelihood that others will listen.
  • Listen more than you talk. I know this can be difficult when you have so many ideas and so much to say. The more you listen the more you will realize the value of the amazing thoughts of other people – especially those non-hand raisers. Often, this group of people think deeply before they speak. They bring new life to problem-solving and share imaginative resolutions.

Remember, every voice is important. Use your voice. It’s your power. And, make space to hear the voices of others, too. There is greater power in diversity.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Use Your Voice. It’s Your Power.

When you were a child in school, did you raise your hand when you knew the answer to the teacher’s question? Did you volunteer to erase the chalkboard or to be the hall monitor? Or, were you the kind of kid who only talked in class if you were called on? Did you like the attention or dread it?

All of those reactions during childhood can carry over to adulthood. My clients seem to be at the extremes. Either they always raise their hands or they will not raise them without someone – a leader or peer – calling them to do so. Today’s blog is about the reluctant ones. When they hesitate to enter the ring, they miss out on opportunities to better their lives. They also deprive others from the opportunity to hear their unspoken ideas and experience their leadership styles.

It seems every week I have a client who is “thinking about throwing my hat in the ring” for a promotion, leadership position, or piece of new work. What is holding them back?

Here are a few of the obstacles this group encounters.

  • Often, these individuals are uncertain about their own skillset. They want to be 98% sure they have the experience and qualifications for the job. What if they make a mistake?
  • Some of my clients expect to be asked to take on a new role or manage a new client. They believe that if those in power believed they were the right choice, someone would offer them the opportunity.
  • And, some are resistant to change or risk adverse. Keeping things the same is the safest route.

Why is this important? Because every voice matters. Behind each voice and thought lives the power of that person.

A few thoughts:

  • It’s ok to make mistakes. Everyone does it. Mistakes create opportunities to learn, and offer chances for your humanity to shine through. It can be reassuring to those around you when you admit you are not a superhero.
  • If you do not advocate for your own abilities, who will? It is a nice thought to believe others will see something in you and offer you opportunities. The truth is, people are busy. You need to tell them what you can do and tell them what you want.
  • Silence is agreement. If you do not speak up, the assumption is that you are not interested or you agree with a decision. The only way for people to know what you think is to tell them.
  • Yes, there is comfort in things remaining the same. It is predictable. And while the sameness may not bring you joy, you know what to expect. Move yourself forward by stepping a toe into the water of change.
  • Stretch yourself. Growth comes from learning new things, ideas, and activities. When you try, you find out more about yourself: what you are really good at doing, and, sometimes, what is harder for you.
  • Finally, give the people around you the gift of yourself, your thoughts, your skills.

Did this article resonate with you? Are you someone who more easily raises your hand? We will talk about the group who volunteers next time on The Client Wisdom Blog.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Embracing Your Type at Work

My husband gifted me this mug for Christmas which brazenly states People Person. The cup made me think about my joy in seeing this phrase nowadays. I am a people person. I am proud to see it, and I embrace that part of me now, but this is a new thing for me.

When I entered the corporate world more than 25 years ago, I learned being a people person was not viewed well. I hated the words other professionals used to describe me, like:

  • “She’s so bubbly, a real people person!”
  • “What a social butterfly.”
  • ” Mary is always jovial.”
  • “She’s so nice. Always smiling.”

I did not want those words attached to me. To me, the connotation was a people person was friendly, but of little substance. It drew a picture in my mind of someone who is fun but not competent with business issues. Someone who is not a good candidate for leadership.

So, I tried to change myself and others’ perception of me as much as possible by being very serious and using phrases like “I think” rather than “I feel.” During conversations, I would steer the subject toward factual information rather than listening to what my gut had to say. I even came very close to showing up as a Thinker in the Meyers Briggs Type Indicator for a nanosecond. People would say to me, “you must be a Feeler in Meyers Briggs,” and I would respond, “Yes, but my Thinker/Feeler score is actually very close.”

What changed? Why do I embrace my Feeler/People Person label now?

When I work with clients, I see many of them dealing with similar struggles. In a recent training, a participant indicated they came up as a certain “type”, but they did not believe it fit their true personality. Some clients tell me directly they do not want to be a certain type. I noticed that each type of person, from thinker to doer to ideator to feeler, wants to be seen differently.

I decided to follow my own advice; the advice I give to clients.

Steps to Embracing Who You Are:

  • First, realize that no matter how you show up on an assessment, you decide who you are and who you want to be.
  • Next, think about how you act and react in a variety of situations. Each person is a little bit of every type. There are times when the label is spot on and times when you behave differently. Make note of those times. Write it in your journal if you have one.
  • Now, recognize that each type of person brings value to the table. Spend some time thinking about what you bring. Write it down.
  • Then, beyond assessments and type, there is the unique value that each individual brings to a situation. Consider yours.
  • Finally, embrace who you are. What are some ways you can incorporate your unique value into your work and your life?

For me, the change came through all of these steps, paying attention to the behaviors of other leaders, and listening to my clients resolve their struggles. I changed my own thinking about my type. Being a people person is a critical leadership skill. Empathy, openness to new ideas, and understanding cultural differences are all strengths of good leaders. The result? I am proud to be a people person.

What about you? How do you use your strengths and talents at work?

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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The Power of Collective Knowledge in Business

©The MBT Blog – Mindfulness in Business Coaching | Journaling & Growth | MBT More Mindful Business Today

Whenever I work with groups of people, I start the session with an acknowledgement of the wisdom in the room. Clients have taught me, and continue to teach me, the instrinsic value each person brings to a situation through their ideas and experiences.

Advice I have received says that this kind of language – the wisdom in the room – is “too fluffy, too mystical and not appropriate for business people.” Or, I am told that I diminish my authority as the expert leading the workshop, presentation or event by giving stature to others. What do you think?

I am, and will always be, interested in the experiences and ideas of others. To me, every single participant brings a unique perspective.

This one action on my part is meant to open the group up to the possibilities. Maybe the person in front of me has experienced a situation that is relevant to the topic. My invitation to engage with the group gives that person permission to share their knowledge. Maybe someone in the back of the room, an introvert who normally stays silent during these meetings, thought of a new way to solve a problem being discussed. Now they are empowered to share that solution.

The feedback surveys I conduct show that participants – at least those who respond to the surveys – are grateful for the openness. I am telling them, “Hey, I do not know your level or authority or your popularity at work, and I believe you bring thoughts and ideas that will support the group. You are valuable.”

In surveys, participants say things like, “When she opened it up to the wisdom in the room, I knew this workshop would be different.”

What do I mean by wisdom? Am I saying everyone is wise, even an intern who may have been invited to sit in on the training? A definition (from AI) states wisdom is, “the ability to make sound, well-reasoned judgments and decisions by applying accumulated knowledge, insight and life experience.”

Having wisdom is not specifically linked to age. It is also not linked to facts and data. It is more about the “how to” exist in real life. It includes intelligence of different kinds. Street savvy. Book smart. Business know-how. People smart. There are so many different kinds of brains.

So, yes! It may be the intern whose experience proves to be relevant to a discussion. It could also be the well-seasoned chief of something in the organization whose years of business anecdotes inspire others in the room to think in a new way, a real life way rather than textbook way.

What is the big deal? Why am I using space in my blog to talk about this? There are many reasons:

  1. Mindfulness in business starts with awareness. When you are in a meeting, how aware are you of the others in the room? The practice of acknowledging the wisdom brought by other participants, creates an awareness of their existence first, and then their possible contributions. Once you acknowledge them, do you listen? Often participants in a program are so caught up in what they want to say next, they forget to listen to what others have to say.
  2. Mindfulness in business is about inclusion. Every leader has the chance every day to foster an atmosphere of belonging. Belonging begins with having a voice. By inviting the group to share, the leader is saying, “I value you. I want to hear from you.” Why is this important? Because employees who do not feel they are valued are more likely to leave an organization. Or, they might stay and only bring 50% of their capabilities to the job.
  3. Innovation thrives when there is trust. How do you build trust? By asking questions, listening, being transparent, and doing what you said you would do. An invitation to add to the conversation only creates trust if the leader then actually listens to the answer. Not every idea is the best solution to the problem, but allowing for respectful dialogue opens the door. When trust does not exist on a team, members are unlikely to share their real reactions. They save those for the meeting after the meeting, around the water cooler which is now often virtual. How many new ideas are your missing out on because trust does not exist on your team?
  4. Sharing is fun. What is more boring than a presentation in which one voice is heard – droning on? Not much, although it does give participants the opportunity to check their email. More voices equal more perspectives which create more interesting conversations. The group learns about each other and from each other.
  5. It creates an opportunity for team members to bond. Enough said.
  6. What if some of the group are introverts? You need a good facilitator in group interactions to manage the extraverts. Extraverts will tend to dominate every conversation. The leader needs to be aware of this and manage the time individuals take the floor. Give the introverts and thinkers a leg up by sharing information with the team prior to the meeting. This gives them the time to think about it and develop a response.

Now invite participants to collaborate, contribute and converse during your next meeting. And if this seems like a tall order, start with your own self-awareness. One way to do that is to join the Journal in August class which begins August 4. Learn more about it here and use this form to register. It will give you the opportunity to dive into your self-awareness, and you will experience the wisdom of the group first hand.