MBT: Mentors Bring Truth

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

What do you do when you have a disagreement with your best friend? Talk to someone else about what you should do? That’s what our friends, David and Norah, who struggled last time they met when they disagreed over the definitions of success and progress, did. And, deeper than that, David’s style of communicating exhausted Norah, as it often does. Sometimes, he leaves her feeling ignored and unrecognized.

Well, David, being uncertain of what exactly he did that upset his friend, reached out to his boss. Edgar, the head of David’s practice group at the law firm, recently helped the young lawyer identify elements of his personality that needed improvement. He also gives real and precise feedback, something David gratefully accepts and uses to adjust his behavior at work. David trusts Edgar completely and hopes his insight will help with this situation.

Today, David and Edgar join us at the usual coffee shop. Norah canceled her meeting with David. In fact, she responded to his text messages with few words, like ok, yes, and TY (thank you). The only full sentence she sent him in the last two weeks said, “I am unable to make it to coffee this week.”

Edgar, a successful partner and rainmaker at the firm, is a tall, charismatic man with dark chocolate colored skin, a full black beard, and wisps of silvery gray dotting his sideburns. He walks briskly with confidence. He talks fast and seems to be in constant motion even when sitting still. David believes Edgar emanates positive energy. Whenever Edgar is in the room, people tend to smile.

“Okay, David. What seems to be the problem,” Edgar says this with his open grin.

“Thank you for meeting me, Edgar. This isn’t really about work, but I feel like you know me so well and are so good at helping me see where I may have gone astray, that you are the best person to ask. The other best person to ask is my best friend, Norah, but she is the one who is mad at me, I guess,” David stops to take a breath because he said all of that in a rush as one big, run-on sentence.

“Ok, David. Blow out quickly through your mouth like this – phew,” Edgar makes a quick whishing sound. “Good. Now, take in a deep breath and blow that out slowly. Good. Now, tell me what happened.”

David follows Edgar’s instructions, and immediately feels calmer. He then explains the interaction between Norah and him. For a refresher of those circumstances, read the blog post Success or Progress? by clicking the link.

When David stops talking, Edgar takes a breath and folds his hands together creating a pause. He then leans forward and says, “David, you are an extrovert. We talked about this before. You get so much energy from talking to other people. And that is great! It is who you are! It sounds to me like your friend Norah is an introvert.” Edgar pauses there.

“You are right! I know this. I blew her over with all of my talking!” David sighs and pulls at his hair. He messed up again. He thought he had succeeded in managing himself in social situations. Now, here again, he completely forgot to slow down and let Norah talk.

“Yes, and?” Edgar prompts him for the rest of the misstep.

David slumps back and slides forward in his chair. “I argued with her about the progress she made. Looking back at it, I think she was exhausted by my constant talking and interjecting into her story about progress. It’s just that she’s so talented but so hard on herself. It makes me crazy!”

“You really care about Norah. I can see that. What’s your next step?” Edgar says calmly.

“I want to be more like you, Edgar! You are an extrovert – I know it. I see it daily! Yet, you control yourself so well. When we talk, you give me your full attention. How do you do that!” David sits up in his chair as his enthusiasm resumes.

Edgar smiles. “You have to keep working at it, David. Celebrate the wins along the way, because that makes you happy, but once you think you conquered a new skill, life will show you that you need to work harder.”

“You’re never done with self-improvement. I get it,” David nods.

“Now, what is your next step in fixing things with Norah?”

“I am going to reach out and apologize first. Then, I will invite her back for the next coffee,” David is resigned to apologizing. At work lately, he has been practicing as he becomes more aware of his need to reign in his talking and create space for others to share their thoughts.

“Yes, and be specific with the apology. I can see you are sincere and I am sure your friend Norah will feel it, too,” Edgar glances at his watch for the first time since he sat down. “I have to get back to the office. Need a lift?” David nods and they leave together.

Has this situation ever happened to you? Do you tend to be the one who talks too much or the one who becomes exhausted listening to someone else? Whatever your personal communication style, learning to leverage your strengths and watch out for the backfires is a crucial skill in business and in life. Join us next time as David tries out his apology and listens more carefully to Norah.

To learn more, contact Mary Balistreri at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com