Mentors Bring Truth: Part II

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Last time in the MBT (Mentors Bring Truth) blog, we eavesdropped on our friend David and his mentor Edgar to understand more about self-improvement. David learned, “Once you think you conquered a new skill, life will show you that you need to work harder.” David first felt deflated by this remark. He found it defeating. “Can’t I ever get ahead?” he asked himself.

Further reflection revealed more about Edgar’s piece of wisdom. David realized he was making progress, and, when life or a good friend like Norah point out a problem, he should listen. “It’s ok for me to feel good when I do a better job listening,” David told himself. “But I’m not perfect. I need to continue listening to others and striving to be more open.”

After the disagreement between David and Norah, Norah reached out to her mentor, Sherri. Today’s blog could be called Make Belonging Transparent in addition to Mentors Bring Truth. As Sherri digs into Norah’s reactions, decades of struggle with feelings of isolation surface. Norah and David grew up together in separate households. Whenever she visited her father at David’s house, she felt her difference as a biracial person in an all-white (even though her dad called it all-Sicilian) household.

Norah chose an African American-owned coffee house for her meeting with Sherri rather than a chain. She strongly supports minority businesses and buying local. She arrives early and settled in at a corner table with her coffee and computer. The jazz music filters through the place calming her. Rather than checking her email, she closes her eyes and relaxes into the music.

Many of her favorite memories of childhood coincided with the soundtrack of her mother’s music. She missed her mom. What advice would she get from her now in this disagreement with David? She could hear the scolding voice in her head, “Why do you let things drag on like this? Just tell the man what irritated you and move on!” Norah avoided conflict in most social situations. She found it difficult to confront someone she loved with her feelings. Work situations also created obstacles for her. She stood up for herself, but was unsure whether she did too much or too little.

“There you are day dreaming the time away,” Sherri’s joyful voice startles Norah. She stood up and they hug. Sherri is a short, slightly round woman with golden brown skin, black hair so short she was nearly bald, and a bling-centered sense of style. Today, she wore a dark orange pant suit and a large gold, lattice-work medallion at the end of a long chain. “Now girl, let’s cut straight through it. Tell me what is going on!” Sherri is exuberant as she emphasizes the word what.

Norah cherished Sherri. A close friend of her mother, Sherri was there for her when she was a teen grieving her mom’s death from cancer. She formed the foundation of Norah’s supportive network. Sherri also owned her own successful accounting business for more than 20 years. She understood Norah, Norah’s family situation, and the business world. Sherri was pure gold.

“I am so happy to see you,” Norah responds. She tears up a few times during her telling of the story of her last coffee date with her half-brother, David. Read the blog post Success or Progress? here to catch up on the disagreement.

“My girl, there is so much emotion in your voice,” Sherri reaches across the table to clasp Norah’s hand. “We both know David is a good brother and friend to you even if he does not get it sometimes. Why is this causing you so much pain?”

Norah closes her eyes to think. “Take your time, dear,” Sherri says.

An image flashed into Norah’s mind surprising her. She was seated in a conference room at her new job. The CEO had called this meeting. Norah arrived first, as usual, and as the rest of the team flooded the room, no one sat next to her. She felt that isolation again. The same mixture of sadness, anger, and loneliness she felt as a girl visiting her father’s home.

“I have been feeling a bit out of place at my new job,” Norah says. “I am the only BIPOC on the management team. I know it will take time to get to know people, but I feel completely alone. I was excited to meet with David and tell him about my progress, but he just ran right over me. I felt invisible which is precisely how I feel at work. Damn! You ask one question, and I figure the whole thing out!”

“Yes, you figured it out! It seems to me you needed the right person to talk to about it,” Sherri says. “Now, when did these two incidents occur?”

“The work thing was the day before I met David for coffee. Maybe they piled onto each other and made me more sensitive. I am too sensitive. I need to be less sensitive,” Norah said this softly and sighed.

“No, you are not too anything. You are you and you are magnificent!” Sherri and Norah both laughed at this. “Now, what are you going to do about it? That is the important thing.”

“Well, David texted an apology to me and wants to meet for coffee. First, I am going to make that a priority.” Sherri, hearing the hesitation in Norah’s voice, asks what she plans to say when she talks to David. Knowing that Norah needs time to think things out, Sherri suggests she write down a few points and make sure those points are discussed during the meeting with David.

“I guess I need to explain what upset me that day and tell him how I felt when we were kids,” Norah was back into her head thinking of what she wanted to say.

“And, now, what will you do about work?” Sherri asks.

“I have no idea what to do,” Norah confesses.

“Well, I have lived a long life, and I know I had to put myself out there. Face the rejection I expected in life. Sometimes I was surprised. Let me tell you a story. When I first started my business, I spent most of the time with people like me – other black folks who had their own businesses. The barber down the block, Sam’s restaurant, and so on. Then, when I was ready to expand my business, it was time to look beyond my own neighborhood. I went to a women’s business owner meeting through a chamber in the suburbs. Girl, not one woman in that room looked like me. You know what I did?” When Norah shakes her head and Sherri continues. “I took a deep breath, stood up straight and tall, and walked straight into that room. Now, this was 15 years ago. I started shaking hands and talking to these white women. Not everyone liked me, but you know what? Some of them did! I kept going back and in a few months, I had two new clients. Then they started to tell their friends about me, and so on.”

“I need to take a chance. What if I reached out to one of the directors at work and offered to buy her coffee. I really need to talk to someone about the culture there,” Norah says.

“That’s right! Why not reach out to all of them. Get to know them. And, remember, not everyone is going to like you. But many of them will like you. Why, anyone in their right mind would love you and respect you! Who could not love my sweet Norah?” Sherri sat next to Norah and gave her a warm hug.

After Sherri left, Norah sighed. If ever she needed her lists and gift for strategy, it was now. She opened her notes on the computer and started breaking down the conversation into action items for herself complete with deadlines.

What is the best piece of advice you received from a mentor? Who comes to mind when you think about someone who supports you? Picture that person before you set out to do something outside of your comfort zone. And, prepare for those conversations as Norah and David have learned to do.

Will Norah follow up on her promises to take action with David and the other directors at work? Watch for our next blog to read more about the evolution of David and Norah through self-improvement and conversation.

For more information on this and other topics, contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstoday.com