Talking It Out

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

If you have been following along with our friends David and Norah in the MBT blog, then you have to agree today’s blog could be called Must Be Transparent or My Biggest Terror or More Belonging Today or More Building Trust. Whichever words you choose today, David and Norah are both nervous. (To catch up on the story, read the past blog posts starting with MBT Blog: New Year; New Jobs)

David has no trouble apologizing, at least, he thinks he can apologize. While thinking through his coffee with Norah today, he realized he has never apologized like this. Face to face with someone knowing a conversation would follow. Most of his apologies had been text messages or fleeting waves of “sorry” as he moved on to the next place he had to be in life. Over the last several months, he learned to listen before making assumptions. He learned many interesting things from listening. He wondered what Norah would say.

Norah feels both fear and a sense of relief about sharing her feelings with her half-brother. They had never talked explicitly about their differences and the effect on her, other than exchanging little jibes about white privilege and her occasional remark about the double standard in business making her work at least twice as hard for the same recognition because she is biracial. And, they never spoke about how she was excluded in family situations as the only non-white person in the room. Their dad would always laugh it off and say, “We’re all Sicilians here,” but that had become grating and felt like a micro-aggression to her over the years.

“It is so easy to give advice to others, and so difficult to take your own advice.”

Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach

Norah gained certifications in several types of personality assessments through her jobs in human resources. She dipped into her training now to help herself in this very personal situation. She kept thinking how easy it is to give advice to others, and how difficult it is to take your own advice. So, she developed a mantra for herself and began writing it down in her journal every morning, “What would Norah do?” She was elated at how well the daily reminder was working for her. During the week of preparation for this important coffee discussion with David, the words stayed in her mind throughout the day. She found herself ready today.

Norah scurried into the café 15 minutes early hoping to beat David there and organize herself for their conversation. Uncharacteristically, David was already there sitting at their favorite table – the one in the far corner next to the window. They both loved the light when it streamed through especially on a cold day like today. David was waving Norah over. She took a deep breath, exhaled, and went to join him.

Norah wore a subdued navy pantsuit today. David’s fears mounted. She looked so corporate. Normally, a warm, vivacious vibe came from her through the yellow, orange, and bright green colors of the outfits she chose. The only jewelry evident at first glance was a pair of large gold hoop earrings. When she sat down across from him, he could see the gold pendant he had given her several years ago. He sighed with relief. Everything Norah did she did intentionally. That pendant meant she cared about him and their relationship.

“There you are! You look great!” David says running his hands through his always-tousled blond hair. “I got your coffee for you.”

Norah nods and sits down silently. She looks down at the table, as is her habit when she is thinking or feeling shy.

David sits down, too, and they both take out their bulleted notes for the meeting. Seeing this, they both burst out laughing.

“Phew! Thank God for laughter to break the tension,” David says. Norah nods in agreement and looks back down at the table.

“I want to apologize right away. Is that okay with you?” David asks. Seeing her nod, he takes a deep breath in, “count to five,” he thinks silently. And breathes out, “count to five,” he tells himself again.

“Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Norah. I apologize for completely running over you with my talk about my success in self-management last time we met. Here I am bragging about how I succeeded and all the while I was failing,” David looks down as he says this last part. It feels good to him to apologize and, at the same time, he feels so bad about hurting Norah. “I am also sorry that I argued with you about the progress you are making in your own self-improvement. It is insensitive of me to push my opinions onto you. I should have shut up and spent more time listening. I need to learn how to just shut up sometimes!” David looks up to see how Norah is reacting. She is looking at him fully and meets his eyes for the first time since she entered the café.

“You are absolutely right! You do need to learn to just shut up!” Norah smiles a bit. It is not a full-on show-your-teeth-and-brighten-the-room smile, just a softening and slight curving of her lips. “Now take a pause,” she says to herself. “That was a pretty good apology.” After a full minute, Norah focuses on David again. He is sitting there quietly and waiting for her to respond. “Wow, just wow,” she thinks to herself. She has never seen him stay quiet for this long.

“I accept your apology, David,” Norah says and they both sigh relief. “But, I need to explain to you how you made me feel that day.”

David nods, “Yes. That is my second bullet point. see?” David shows Norah where it says, “Ask Norah how she feels. PAUSE to listen.”

Norah smiles a bit more broadly now. “You did your homework, that’s for sure. Now, give me a moment, because this is difficult for me to talk about.” David waits while Norah collects her thoughts.

“We never really talked about our childhood and young adulthood. When my mom was alive, you would visit us sometimes at my house. I was part of a family, My mom was black and my dad was white. You were and are my only brother, and you are white. You and I became close, yet we never talked about the difference. When all of us would go out as a family, sometimes people stared at us. Sometimes I heard my mom talking to Dad about it. She would say, ‘Sam, did you see the nasty look that white lady gave me and Norah” or, ‘I heard that lady say mulatto under her breath.’ Dad would always brush it off, ‘They are just stupid people,’ he would say. They never talked about it and we never talked about it.”

David wants to respond, but stays in listening mode. “Just listen until she is finished,” he says to himself.

“I was always different. At school, the white kids knew I was part black and most of them ignored me. Sometimes, the black kids accepted me, sometimes they did not. And, I was so shy. I felt along much of the time. Then, after mom died, did you ever wonder why I went to live with my mom’s Aunt and not with Dad?” Norah pauses for David to answer.

“You know, I did wonder about that. I was 17. I remember assuming you would come and live with me and my mom. I was confused after Judith died and you went to live with your Aunt Bea. But, as you said, Dad never talked about stuff, so I guess I never asked,” David replies.

“Right. And he never explained it to me. So, when we went to Kim’s house, your mom’s house, for holidays after that, I always felt unwanted. Here I was the product of Dad’s second marriage, celebrating holidays with his first wife, and I was the only black person at every event. No one said anything mean to me. I always received the appropriate gifts from Dad or Easter baskets from Dad. Other than that, I felt invisible.” Norah pauses now. She feels the tears beginning. The old pang of loss starts rising in her chest. She feels like she might vomit. David waits patiently.

“It hurt me so. I felt completely abandoned. I am grateful every day for mom’s friend, Sherri. She was there for me the whole time until I went off to college and then afterward, too. You are so privileged, David. You are accepted everywhere you go. People trust what you have to say before you prove yourself. I am questioned and disbelieved at nearly every turn. And, in my own family, there was no room to talk about the pain inflicted on my by my own father.” Norah is so proud not to cry when she says this. In fact, she feels a rage begin to build in her chest.

David flinches at the word privileged, but remains quiet. The most important thing to him is that Norah understands his deep care and concern for her. “I am so sorry, Norah. I did not understand that you were in so much pain.”

Norah nods. “You know, I am so happy I told you that. For the first time, I feel really angry about it. Angry at Dad, that is. It is actually freeing,” she says and pauses wondering at the newness of this feeling. Her whole body feels lighter.

“I am here for you, Norah. Please continue,” David says.

“Well, on the day we had our disagreement, I had just experienced a situation at work where I felt invisible. Once again, I was the only person of color in a room full of management, and no one sat with me. I felt completely rejected and ignored. Then, we met for coffee, and you completely ignored my thoughts. You made me feel invisible or less important when you did that,” Norah raised her voice slightly when she finished this sentence. That made her feel good, too.

“I am so sorry,” David says this more earnestly than before. “I feel so stupid. This conversation is so eye-opening.”

“I am going to send you a few articles about micro-aggressions and being an advocate, if you are open to it, David.” Norah says this confidently.

“Thank you, Norah. I want to learn more about how to really be there for you. Is it ok with you if I offer a suggestion?” David replies. At her nod, he continues, “I think you need to tell Dad how you feel.”

Norah is shocked at the suggestion at first. Then pauses to think about it. “David, I think that is right. Would you go with me to support me?”

“Yes!” David says it immediately. The two then begin to make plans for talking to their father.

What do you think of Norah and David’s conversation? It seems likely there will be many more conversations between them like this one, focused on being truthful about their feelings and experiences. Will they become closer as a result of it? Will they talk to their father, Sam, about their childhood? Tune in for our next MBT blog to find out!

For more information about mindfulness and conversational intelligence, contact mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com