Gentle Truth: Preparing for A Tough Conversation

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

For the first time in their lives, Norah and David will tell their father how they felt after Norah’s mother passed away. To read more about it, look to past blogs, especially Talking It Out. Today’s MBT blog could easily stand for More Blatant Truth-Telling, or Must Balance Talking with listening, or Maybe But Too. The approach to this conversation frames the future relationship both of our friends will have with their dad in the future.

Our heroes – three cheers for the bravery of Norah and David! – sought advice from their mentors to prepare for their conversation with their dad, Tony. Edgar, David’s boss and mentor, and Sherri, Norah’s friend and mentor, both emphasized the importance of thinking about the end when planning the discussion.

“Know what you are aiming for,” Edgar had said.

“Decide what relationship you want with your father and with your brother,” Sherri had said.

“The kind of relationship you have with your dad and with each other starts with this conversation,” both of them had said this, and when Norah and David were preparing, they both laughed and hugged about it.

“Well, if both of them gave us the same advice, it should be good advice, shouldn’t it?” David said. “What is your goal Norah in talking to Dad?”

“Easy. I want to be heard. I want to understand him and to know that he loves me. I want him to apologize,” Norah replied.

“Yes to all of that, but what do you want the relationship to be like after this conversation?” David asked.

With tears in her eyes, Norah replied, “Pie in the sky if I got everything I ever wanted, which I know is unlikely, I want him to apologize and hate himself for how he has hurt me. I want him to ask what he needs to do to make it up to me. I want him to learn about my culture. He loved my mom, and she was black, but did he really know her? I want him to see me and to want to learn about my black roots.”

“If that is what you want, then I believe you will get it,” David said.

“What about you, David?” Norah asked. “What is your goal in this meeting other than being supportive of me?”

David was uncharacteristically silent for several moments. He had been so focused on being there for his sister, proving to her that he cared and would go to bat for her no matter the circumstances, that he had given no thought to what effect this might have on him. In fact, he had believed it had very little to do with him. “I’ll have to get back to you on that. I should think about my own relationship with Dad. I have never spent time thinking about it. We just see each other on holidays and for an occasional basketball game.”

Their preparation for the conversation was intense and intensive. Norah suggested they role play the conversation to get a better feel for the best language to use. David was unsure of this. Could he really fill in for Dad? What would Dad say? How would Dad react? All of this made David terribly uncomfortable.

Norah noticed David looking away, looking at his watch, not meeting her eyes, literally squirming in his chair. “Do you want to take a break?” she asked.

“I…” David tried desperately to express what he was feeling. His heart was pounding so hard he felt it in his ears and his ears hurt. He was having trouble breathing. He felt an overwhelming need to lie down. He slid off the chair onto the floor and felt the cool tile at his back.

Norah knelt next to him, “David! Let’s take a break!”

A full hour later, they were ready to meet with their Dad. Where? At Dad’s house for privacy and their Dad’s comfort. When? Right after breakfast when Tony would be sitting outside and drinking his coffee. How? Gentle truth. David and Norah came up with this mantra during their preparation.

After his collapse, David realized he did not want to play the part of his father ever, even in role play. His own anger tried to burst out of him, literally knocking him over. His brain was riddled with his own questions. Why had their Dad abandoned him and his mom when he met Norah’s mom? Why was there no inkling from anyone in his life that Judith, Norah’s mom, was ill until she passed away? David was 17 when that happened. He could have supported his sister during that time. Was their relationship superficial?

All these questions ran through his head, and David realized what he experienced was a panic attack. And, it was not his first panic attack.

David expressed his own rage to Norah. It felt good to get it all out. He was not as kindly measured in his accusations against their dad as Norah was. There was a good deal of swearing and name calling involved. Once his tirade ran out of steam, David settled back into the planning. The two half-siblings made a pact with each other. Gentle truth. Gentle truth was their mantra and their safe word. If either of them stepped too far out of bounds, the other would state “gentle truth” as a reminder.

Why not just let the old man have it? They debated this question.

“We have to remember our goals,” Norah said. “We want to speak our truth and give him space to speak his own truth. If we are too defensive, all his walls will go up. He will be defensive, too. Ultimately, we want to have a better relationship with him.”

“Okay, I know what I want from Dad. I want the three of us to be a family. I want him to actually care about what is going on in our lives. I want us to stop over at his house on Sundays. I want us all to go to the opera together. I want him to be a good grandpa to my kids,” David said.

“Is there something you are keeping from me, David. Your kids?” Norah said. She smiled at the change in her brother’s thinking.

“I am talking about the future. That’s what I want. A future for the three of us as a family,” it felt so good to say that out loud.

In the end, they skipped the role playing. Both of them acknowledged they had no idea what their dad would say or how he would react. They did practice speaking their truth to each other. They would start by asking him about his life. Hopefully, he would then ask them about their lives. That is when they would get to the heart of the matter and the reason for the visit. Norah decided to begin with, “Dad, we love you and we want to have a stronger relationship with you. There were events in our childhood that we want to discuss because we do not understand…”

They were ready. When Norah returned home, she thought, “That meeting I need to have at work will be a piece of cake after this!” She was exhausted. She went to bed early.

Come back to the MBT Blog next time for the full conversation. How will Tony react? Will David and Norah achieve their goals? Subscribe to make sure you do not miss a word.