Stages of Life: Unveiling Your True Self at Work

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

Every client I coach makes the point they want to be themselves at work. Some will express the desire to be their authentic selves. Many struggle with an atmosphere at work which seems to demand they behave outside of their comfort zone.

I thought about this dynamic recently while viewing “I’m Not There,” a movie about Bob Dylan (not the big Oscar-nominated film that’s out right now) from 2007. Cate Blanchett, Richard Gere, Christian Bale, Ben Winshaw, Heath Ledger and Marcus Carl Franklin all play Bob Dylan at different stages in his life.

A very interesting movie, for sure, and the kind I like most. I loved it for the creativity, the performances, and how it made me think for a long while afterward. I made myself a playlist of Bob Dylan songs, with Bob singing them, not that guy in the current movie. The more I listened, the more I thought about the movie, Bob Dylan, and myself. The lyric, “…it ain’t me, babe. It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for,” from his 1964 song kept ringing in my head.

If someone made a movie about me, which actor would play me? This question often creates amusing conversation. As I thought about “I’m Not There” and the different phases in my life, I wondered who I was at each stage. Would I recognize all of myself? Would the list of famous people acting like me also be eclectic like those in the movie? Maybe it would include Holly Hunter, Emma Watson, Bella Ramsey (from “The Last of Us”), Tilda Swinton and Ryan Gosling (because Gosling can do anything).

In fact, I was still thinking about the movie this morning, many weeks after watching it at home. I continue thinking about Dylan, too, one of the greatest poets of all time in my opinion. But as I thought of all the stages of my life and the different faces I have worn, I wondered which ones were authentically me. Which Mary would they be looking for? Which Mary’s went against the grain for me? When did I cave in and operate outside of myself? When did I feel the most right? Which parts of each of them make my authentic self today?

Who Am I Now?
The deeper question is who am I now? At this moment in my life, what does it mean to speak with my authentic voice? When working with clients, I ask them what it means to them to be their authentic selves. As the business coach, I generally hear them say that being “salesy” is not authentic for them. They do not want to be perceived as high-pressured sales people. As a leadership coach, I hear the words “confident and approachable” most often. Authenticity to many leaders means projecting confidence and inclusiveness.

Not all clients can articulate what is authentic for them. It is more of an I’ll-know-it-when-I-see-it situation. So, we try things on. We explore their words of authenticity.

For example: How would you open a difficult conversation with an employee? Now ask yourself, how will those words be heard by the person across the table from you? Then, try different ways to communicate your message. What feels the most comfortable for you and is likely to be heard by your employee?

An Approach
Some individuals prefer to tackle these questions by reconstructing situations where they did not feel authentic in their actions or conversations. As a coach, I guide them through the identification of the circumstance and the words they used in a specific situation. This method creates an opportunity for the person to discover the best way to communicate their message.

There are so many variables in any conversation. It is not possible to prepare for every situation. This is why finding your authentic voice is so important in developing business and leading a team.

Self awareness is key to being authentic while being professional. While your authentic self may enjoy swearing as a colorful form of expression, you know it is not acceptable to speak with that authentic voice in the office. So, here is an exercise to look at the stages in your life and cull together the pieces that are now your authentic self.

An Exercise
This should be a fun internal escapade rather than a deep, serious dive. Grab a notepad. Get comfy. Enjoy this bit of unscientific self-discovery.

1. Looking at the various stages of your life, what faces did you wear?
For me, the answers include roles and descriptive words about me. Coach, director, supervisor, strategist, business owner, advisor, dreamer, writer, singer, newsletter designer, editor, wife, sister, mom, friend, confidant, fun-seeker, animal lover, ally, supporter. The list could continue, but you get the idea.

2. As you look at the list, find the defining moments. Those bright or dark moments where you found yourself in the right place or the wrong place tell you so much about yourself. One bright moment for me came in the form of my son, who I adopted. That was the best decision! The dark moments tend to be the ones where I am snappy with others due to feeling overwhelmed.

3. Make a list of words you like to use which align with your values. As I mentioned above, my clients know which words express authenticity for them and which do not. Grab on to those words that illuminate who you are, the words that easily come to mind for you. Then, look at those moments mentioned above. Sprinkle the descriptors that best illustrate your intentions now. Finally, write down the words that best match with a few situations at work and in other situations. Are you finding your authentic voice?

For example, words that rise up for me are supporter, connector, and guide. If I feel myself going astray of those words, I can recognize it and pull myself back into the core of my self: who I am now.

If you try the exercise above, you will find the space from which your actions and communications begin and end. Some clients have a good sense of their values and how those show up in everyday life and work life. How about you? Was the exercise helpful to you? And, which actors would play you in a film about your life?

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