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Finding Simple Solutions in Complex Times

©The MBT Blog published by MBT Mindful Business Today LLC

I’m thinking about more than pens this morning. Sometimes simpler is better. I was playing Word with Friends. I had the chance to play a really cool word, but would earn only 12 points. I also had the ability to play a totally lame word, za, and get 65 points. Today I chose the simple solution and reaped the benefits.

Then I pondered my daily life and those of my clients. The issues and obstacles we face at home and at work sometimes pile up. The more of them we experience, the more complicated they seem. We look for new solutions, thinking and thinking until our thinker turns blue. If only there was a new way to solve this puzzle.

Of course, often the answer is right in front of us. Sometimes it is a combination of tried and true methods known to generate good results. Sometimes an obvious resolution lies directly in front of us waiting patiently to be uncovered.

Sometimes the most elegant solution is the most obvious and the most accessible.

Some people are excellent at seeing simple solutions. My husband, Steve Thompson, is one of the best. He prides himself on being “basic.” To him this means his needs are basic – eat, drink, love, laugh, work, nap, repeat. He is a voracious reader of books, mostly science fiction or biographies, and watcher of movies of all kinds. He seldom talks about these hobbies except to bring them out when offering a simple fix to a problem the rest of us have spent an hour debating.

Do you have someone on your team like this? How great that is for you and your team! I am so glad Steve is on my team in life. He can cut through the clutter of the webs made by over thinking and drive directly to the heart of the obstacle. Usually, his solutions begin with, “Well, that person does not like mustard. Stop giving them mustard,” except, the mustard is something else equally as obvious.

People like Steve remind me to turn to the basics. Sometimes the most elegant solution is the most obvious. The answers begin with acknowledging what you know to be true about yourself, your business, your team, and your customers. We do not always need to invent the iPhone. Let’s find ways to improve it.

Start with a few simple questions and:

  1. Ask yourself.
  2. Ask your team.
  3. Ask your clients.

What answers might you find? What worked in the past? Do it again! What did the clients say they wanted more of? Do more of it! And what saps your energy yielding only small results? Stop doing that.

Remember to use your journal for solutions that appear when you are half asleep or exercising or driving – all those spaces you are in where your mind is free to breathe. If you form the habit to write down your thoughts, you have created another resource for yourself and your business when you are stuck.

Look for those simple solutions. It is okay to play the boring word and make 65 points sometimes. Just make sure you stop serving mustard to people who do not like it.

If you are interested in forming a habit of journaling, consider joining our Four Fridays in February group coaching class focused on it. Just e-mail mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com for more information.

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Make It Happen: Go All in on Journaling in 2026

©The MBT Blog published by MBT Mindful Business Today LLC

When I reflect on the challenges of 2025, I am grateful I learned how to journal earlier in life. My family suffered a tragedy at the end of 2024. During that awful time, I realized that somehow, miraculously?, I remained grounded in the face of terrible grief and trauma. How did that happen? It was the result of years of focus on learning how to manage my emotions, learning to identify my own needs, and relying on the simple act of writing things down.

In adapting my business now to the needs of my clients, I am changing the name of my company from MBT More Business Today to MBT Mindful Business Today. In fact, MBT will focus more strongly on mindfulness than ever before. The center of that focus is journaling.

My clients see the results of noting their thoughts and experiences, whether they are working on bringing in new business or becoming better leaders. There is power in the act of writing something down. It gives the words weight and permanence. It takes something abstract and makes it real. I uncovers trends and truths.

The alignment of mindset with values and purpose produces results. It keeps out the noise that disrupts our focus. It wrangles in negative self-talk. It helps us find the roots – internal and external – that derail our progress to our goals.

Simply put, a strong mindset clears the way for confident, decisive action. Then, the action creates pathways for pursuit of success. The final result is achievement of goals set.

For all of these reasons, I believe journaling to be a critical tool for cultivating a business mindset. Coupling the skill with coaching guides individuals through the process of using mindfulness in business.

If you wish to create a habit of journaling this year, join our group coaching classes Four Fridays in February. Email mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com for more information.

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Focus on Building A Strong Mindset in 2026

©The MBT Blog published by MBT More Business Today LLC

During these last few weeks of the year, we turn to introspection. I looked for the greatest lessons of 2025 and thought about how they impact 2026. The strength of mindset emerges as the most important skill needed to thrive in today’s workplace and world. As life pushes, pulls, elongates and changes at home and at work, clients rely on emotional intelligence skills to manage their reactions. 

What that means for me, The Mindful Business Coach, and my business is a company-wide focus on supporting clients to build mindfulness and resilience. I hear about the friction in the workplace. I listen to stories about a huge increase in client anxiety. I understand that the only thing we can control is ourselves. It is time to strengthen our internal emotional management skills to best thrive in the new year.

The photo shows me Behind the Mask I created when I participated in the event by the same name for NAWBO (National Association of Women Business Owners) in March. The discussion focused on what goes on behind the masks of women business owners. Along with a group of four brave women, I talked about the impact grief, the economy, and changes in the administration made on my business.

In tough times, I return to what I can control. I return to mindfulness, introspection, and self-management. My response to the obstacles clients are facing, is to offer programming that teaches and hones those skills.

Here are samples of what I will offer. Watch social media and future blog posts for more information.


  • **Four Fridays in February     – Journaling helps us work through issues and emotions by discovering the clues to our behavior. My clients want to journal but often struggle to make it a practice. Hint: it does not have to be perfect. The sentences do not even need to be complete. During these 45 minute group coaching classes, we will discuss journaling, learn specific prompts to try, and spend quiet time actually doing it. Group runs 11:30 until 12:15 p.m. Central Time Feb. 6, 13, 20 & 27. 

    **Mindful Management March – It is one thing to think and talk about how to best manage our emotions, and quite another thing to do it successfully while leading a team. These Group Coaching Sessions focus on creating self-management techniques to use in the moment. Each participant receives access to the TypeCoach Verifier (a $150 value), a group debrief on interpreting results, and four, one-hour group coaching sessions in March (session dates will be chosen based on availability of participants).

Watch for something new each month! Let’s capture self-control, resilience, and strong mindsets together in 2026!

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Show Gratitude: Remember Community on Giving Tuesday

©The MBT Blog published by MBT More Business Today LLC

What do you care about?

What do you value?

What impacts you?

It’s time to make a stand and support those things, people, and issues that are important to you. Tuesday is Giving Tuesday, the perfect opportunity to offer peace, understanding, and goodwill to your community.

A few years ago, I wrote a blog post about this: “Be Intentional: Bring Your Personal Drive to Your Professional Life,” Now, I continue to be moved by the stories my clients, colleagues, and acquaintance tell about their lives. There are personal struggles. Situations they see others navigating create empathy and the need to help.

There are so many sources of inspiration in the lived experiences they share. What is your story? Share it with someone. And if you are going through something now, please know that you supported.

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Boost Your Growth: Therapy Plus Coaching Benefits

©The MBT Blog published by MBT More Business Today LLC

Working with individual clients over the last few years, I noticed a shift to greater openness about mental health issues. Many of my clients talk about therapy and the specific issues they are working toward understanding and improving. Most of those subjects also show up through the various personality assessments I use when coaching.

Anxiety, managing stress, and codependent behaviors take the top three slots in the cross-over between what is discussed in therapy and what obstacles materialize in coaching. As a coach, I check in with clients to suggest they seek out a good therapist and to confirm they have already done so.

What is interesting to me now is the speed of improvement I see when clients openly work with both.

Therapy focuses on looking backward to the root of the obstacles a person faces. Coaching guides a person to move forward and focuses on improvements. In both cases, information, programs, books, and techniques are shared.

For example, after reading through the tips for improvement offered in a personality assessment report, a client remarked to me, “This is all about my anxiety. I am working on that with my therapist.” From that moment on, the techniques overlap.

Here are some examples:

  • For several clients of mine, the combination of support created a feeling of confidence to engage in conversations they had previously avoided. They tended to put themselves in the category of conflict averse individuals.
  • The power of saying “no” emerged for clients who were inclined to put the needs of others before themselves. With their therapist, they delved into their codependent behaviors. With me as their coach, we worked on building their mindset to affirm their rights to self-care, rather than tearing themselves down through negative self-talk.
  • In therapy and coaching, clients learned to recognize their triggers. I help people determine how to best prepare themselves for triggering situations by creating processes to follow. I saw the swiftness of improvement double when clients also worked with a therapist to find the root of those triggers.

In these and other areas, I have seen an improvement-squared result. Simply put, clients move forward more quickly with both types of support. How about you? Have you invested in yourself? What works for you?

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Rediscover the Joy of the Coffee Meeting

©The MBT Blog published by MBT More Business Today LLC

I love coffee. I love all kinds of coffee; fancy coffee drinks, straight up caffeine-filled coffee, a bit of café au lait in New Orleans, a pumpkin spice latte both hot and cold. The drink in the picture is a very special café tiramisu drink – no alcohol used but great use of a martini glass. Coffee is cozy and happy and comfortable for me. I also enjoy sitting down and talking with people. All kinds of people, some, I know this sounds crazy, who do not enjoy coffee still meet up with me for a sip – usually of tea or smoothie. It brings us closer together, helps us establish and expand relationships. It is like dating, but for business.

Coming off a solid few weeks of networking, I felt a faint aversion to coffee meetings begin to develop. These are the important next steps that must be taken to bring in new business. How can someone buy your services or refer business to you if they do not know, trust, and like you. The one-on-one meetings are essential. Yet, fatigue had set in. I needed to find a way to power through the thoughts in my head telling me to lie down with a warm blanket.

Once I arrived at the meetings though, I enjoyed the ritual as usual. It seemed the leaving-the-house part of things was weighing on me. They, whoever they are, say too much of anything is not good for you. Yet, how will I plant the seeds for future business if I sit at home? I need to be out there, right?

Then I reflected on the conversations coffee created in the past few weeks. I let myself feel the excitement of learning a new thing. I learn something from each person I meet. I wondered at the life experiences of my table companions – the part of their life experience they shared with me on that particular day. I marveled at the differences and the similarities we uncovered together. I loved each one of those meetings.

What’s old is new! The epiphany surfaced or re-surfaced. I do so like green eggs and ham, or, in this case, meeting and connecting over coffee.

“Yes, but how does all this caffeine intake impact your business?” you may ask. I may reply, in fact, I will reply, “greatly and for the better.” Looking back at my notes, I remembered the follow up I had yet to do. This is an important step, I remembered through my mocha haze: do the follow up!

Those connections have connections and agreed to connect me. In all cases, I also agreed to connect these new connections. The connections are sure to grow from here, leading to many more associations.

I am a bit jazzed up on coffee, so I best write these tips down more clearly for all of you who are reading this.

  1. Reflect on the meetings you had.
  2. What did you learn about the person you met?
  3. Look to your notes for information. What did you agree to do and what did they agree to do?
  4. Make a list or just dive right in, but DO THE FOLLOW UP!
  5. Especially make sure to make plans to reconnect and deepen the relationship.

And that, is how I rediscovered the joy of the coffee meeting.

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Surviving the Workplace: Rely on Your Source of Motivation

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

I recently attended a webinar about “Surviving Today’s Workplace” and was surprised to hear the primary focus was on what to wear at work – at least during the first 20 minutes of a half hour webinar. What I hear consistently from clients about surviving the workplace right now contradicts the webinar’s advice – my clients are not wondering whether they are wearing the right shoes. Their concerns center on anxiety, exhaustion, uncertainty, and burnout.

Many people are feeling the grasp of overwhelming circumstances at work. It affects their concentration, productivity, mood, and health.

The root of those obstacles comes from the pressures of meeting company goals assigned to the individual and their team, managing a multi-generational team, employee retention, increased expectations, and, the state of our world right now with the intense level of change and uncertainty.

Many of my clients express, whether through words, actions or inaction, the drain this high level of stress inflicts upon them physically and emotionally. They are having a hard time finding the motivation they need to keep them active and productive at work. Then, their lack of productivity leads to additional stress placing them in an orbit of overload with no escape seeming to be near.

Many people are feeling the grasp of overwhelming circumstances at work. It affects their concentration, productivity, mood, and health. Through coaching, they discover the importance getting back to the basics of their motivation. Asking the question, “why do you do what you do?” is key to breaking out of the funky orbit holding them hostage.

For most people, the answer to the question above falls into four categories. They are motivated by: family and/or people, being responsible, achieving excellence, and solving the immediate problem in the moment. The situations around them make it difficult to satisfy their need for action leading to the responses listed above.

Family and/or People: Individuals in this category are motivated by helping and supporting people. They started their career to dedicate their time to the impact they can make on other people, including their families and members of their teams. When their job and work responsibilities keep them from achieving their purpose, they lose their motivation.

Being Responsible: Responsibilities surface from many places and people in this category are driven to fulfill all of them. Sometimes, they are the chief breadwinner in their family and are supporting multiple people with their paychecks. At work, they feel personally accountable for the successes or failures of their teams and businesses. Understanding this motivation and taking a look at the burdens an individual takes on, can be the key to breaking out of the orbit.

Achieving Excellence: What is more important than achieving a goal? Doing it perfectly, in the best way, and with the highest level of success. These individuals are often so confined to their vision of excellence, they are unable to see the victories in a job well done. Frustration and anxiety will surface for them when the rate at which they are expected to execute leaves no time for impeccable thoughts and planning.

Solving the Immediate Problem in the Moment: Have you ever wished you had the scissors to cut through the red tape in your organization? Red tape, delays, and lack of autonomy are nightmares to this group of individuals. They simply want to go to work, do the job, solve the issues, and move on to the next challenge.

Which of the motivations listed above resonated with you? Give yourself the gift of time today to pause and regain your understanding of what motivates you? And remember to take on that orbit of tasks and obstacles surrounding you one situation at a time. Rather than being stuck in an unrelenting titanium orbit, break through softly by finding control over your work, day, and mood.

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Mastering Goal Setting to Combat Opportunity Overload

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

Yikes! I innocently walked into the grocery store recently and quickly became surrounded by pumpkin spice options. Ground coffee, cold foam, pods of coffee, creamer, and so on. I barely escaped – with a few items, that is. Then, I opened my e-mail and social media to a bombardment of events, seminars, networking options, coffees meetups, and conferences. How do I whittle through all of that and stay productive?

For many of my clients, the overwhelm is real. For most people, a bit of success in business or career often leads to a barrage of invitations to do more. Successful people get that way by being committed to the endeavors they pursue. The world knows this well and will intrude on their daily life distracting them from their plan and vision.

“Coaching works first because I have a goal. When I am overwhelmed by too many options, the coach steers me back toward my goal and keeps me on track. The second reason is the coach holds me accountable during the recurring appointments.” MBT Attorney Clients

By managing boundaries and setting clear goals for yourself, you can learn to respond the way you want to respond when asked to sit on a board, lead a group, attend an event or organize a business event. Why not just say “no?”

Reasons for saying “yes.”
Clients I work with are up-and-comers who are committed to their self-improvement. They are at the stage in their career where their work and dedication are being noticed by colleagues in their organization, business people in their industry, and leaders in their communities. The expectations grow as fast as the careers. Here are some of the reasons I hear for not saying “no.”
– I don’t want to say “no” to my boss or I don’t know how to refuse my boss.
– I don’t know what I want, so I will just grab this opportunity, and that one, too.
– I don’t like conflict and will do anything to avoid it.
– I am afraid if I reject this opportunity, I will not receive any others.

My clients are right, it is no better to refuse every opportunity than it is to accept everything that is offered. After years of coaching attorneys as they grew in stature as rainmakers and leaders, I asked the question, “Why does coaching work for you?” They answered, “Coaching works first, because I have a goal. When I am overwhelmed by too many options, the coach steers me back toward my goal and keeps me on track. The second reason is the coach holds me accountable during the recurring appointments.”

There it is, the answer for taking control of your career and combating the overwhelm. Goal setting, creating and holding boundaries, and turning back to your goal when the options begin to multiply. And, pulling out the plan to revisit your progress and make sure your course of action aligns with it. By doing this, you remind yourself of the plans you made for your life. It becomes easier to say “no” because there is substance behind it. It also creates more enthusiasm to jumping into an opportunity because it aligns with your strategy.

For example:

  • “Thank you for asking me to serve on your board. My time is taken up with a number of other activities. Tell me about the criteria for people on your board, and I will see if there is someone I can recommend to you.”
  • Thank you for this opportunity. I am fully committed to your cause and feel this is the right place for me to support you.”
  • “Thank you for the opportunity to take on this administrative role at the firm. I am honored you are thinking about me. However, right now, I am focused on building my business skills.”
  • “Thank you for offering me the opportunity to lead this group at the firm! I am excited for the opportunity to grow here.”

How is this article impacting you? What career goals do you have? Have you written a plan for yourself? Do you know where you are headed? Do you have a vision for your future? Coaching supports you at the beginning, end, and that pesky middle part, of success.

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Building Trust by Sharing Business Connections

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

The old business saying, “People buy from people they know, like, and trust,” coined by Bob Burg in his book Endless Referrals, provides a simple road map for building your business. Broken down, it suggests building relationships and trust with those in your network.

You attended those three networking events this month. You met a few people at each event who might need your services. You searched them out on LinkedIn and sent invitations to them. They accepted. Now what?

That middle part, after the first meeting and before closing the sale, often gets in the way of a bringing in a perfect new client. You cannot get to the last part without going through, and engaging with, the middle part. The first, and usually the second, meeting seldom make the phone ring. The truth is, you have to work to build that relationship.

It sounds simple, right? Just follow up. The question is who, what, when, and all the how’s; how often, how come, how to. That pesky middle part causes anxiety again.

Each time I attend a networking event, I marvel at the connections that exist between people just waiting to be discovered. Each one of us has knowledge that helps someone else address a question or obstacle they are experiencing. This is the power of people used for the betterment of the community

One way to develop relationships, instill trust, and remain top of mind is to tap into that people power and become a connector. A connector is a person who maintains a large network, understands the special skill sets of those in their network, and easily connects two people who need each other to solve a problem. Connectors do not personally create the solution to the issue. They guide their pals to other pals who have the solutions.

Connectors know how to listen. They ask questions to make sure they best understand the needs of those with whom they interact. Then they store that information away for future retrieval. Where do they store it? In their heads, in a spreadsheet, and sometimes, on the back of business cards.

Being a connector also gives you automatic reasons to follow up and expand the relationship. First, you follow up by making the introduction. Then, the connection gives you a reason to check in on both parties to see how things are going. Finally, it opens the door for you to talk about the connections you need to make to move your business forward.

A Few Things to Remember:

  • Check your mindset. Make sure you open your mind to positive outcomes each day. Turn a thought like, “I never meet the right people,” into something positive and more truthful like, “I need to look for the unique skills of the people I meet.”
  • Time is never wasted. My clients will sometimes remark that they did not, “…meet anyone who will give me work,” at an event or conference. Maybe, but who do those people know? What needs do they have? Are there connections you have not explored?
  • Be disciplined. Treat the time you spend following up the same way you treat the time you spend working. It is important and vital to your success. Schedule the time on your calendar and commit to holding that space for your relationship development.
  • Create and enforce boundaries. It feels good to be a connector and help people solve their problems. Remember not to forget your own goals. Set boundaries for yourself in the form of time commitments, such as, “I will make introductions for others 30 minutes each week.” Also, remember to ask for what you need. Do not forget yourself while you are helping others.

Connectors create win/win situations everyday. Why not be one of them?

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Navigating Business Support: Grace and Authenticity

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

I recently danced in bliss and abandon at a 1970s themed garden party during an event celebrating the 50th Anniversary of NAWBO (National Association for Women Business Owners). The next day, as I spoke with a friend and #womanbusinessowner, she remarked on the beautiful feeling of #acceptance, #belonging, and #support she felt while we all danced together. She used the word #authentic to describe the support shared by the diverse mixture of women at the event.

Looking at the photo of myself dancing raises the question for me, how do we show up for each other in our #businesslives?

Most women, me included, have experienced the opposite of this atmosphere at work. We have been victims of women colleagues who refuse to offer a hand up to others in our company. Some situations included actual #sabotage to make an up-and-comer slip a few notches on the ladder. Often the actions are about #power, finding it and keeping it. I hear about it when I am coaching clients. I also hear about it from minority groups. It’s as if a person who has risen despite the odds, someone who often is the only one of their group, believes there can be only one in such an elevated position, and it must be them. They fear losing status.

Do the best you can until you know better.
Then, when you know better, do better.

Maya Angelou

If we reflected on this concept truthfully, most of us will admit we have been in both spaces. The non-supportive colleague AND the supportive person. Were we mean spirited at work? Were we tired of all the great things the latest “golden child” was accomplishing? Were we afraid our accomplishments would be forgotten? Did we feel like we were suddenly not enough? And, were WE the golden child receiving the attention while feeling the cold shoulder of other women colleagues? Were WE the ones being added to an agenda to present on a subject without being notified in advance? How did we react?

Whatever the reasons and experiences, we need to offer grace to ourselves for times when we were less than supportive of a colleague. And, offer grace to the colleague who was less than supportive of us. As Maya Angelou wrote, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.”

One worry I hear is that by supporting one person or one group of people, the perception will be my client is against another person or group of people. Clients also worry that a lack of public support for people who are similar to them engenders the idea that they are against their own people.

How do you know how to act? Business culture and politics are often complex. Sometimes fear of losing out causes us to go along, or worse, limit the opportunities of others. How can you manage your work life so your actions fit in with the person you want to be? These questions can only be answered by examining your values.

How do you dig into your values? How do you bring mindfulness to the forefront at work when reacting in the moment? Here are some ideas.
1. Start by asking yourself, “Who am I and who do I want to be?” While you answer, consider the adjectives you would like to use describing yourself. Fair? Successful? Loyal? Thoughtful? Smart? Productive? And the nouns, too. Ally? Leader? Collaborator? Mentor?
2. Now ask yourself, “What motivates me?” Answers could include: my family, status, taking care of people, financial success, my faith.
3. Now, think of two real work situations you encountered: after one, you felt unsettled or unhappy by the way you reacted. In the other, you were proud of your actions. What would you do differently in each circumstance?
Here are two examples:
1. You are part of a meeting and the discussion veers toward a female colleague. Those in the room are commenting on this person’s looks or mannerisms in an unflattering way. Everyone is laughing. You chuckle and look down at the table.
2. All the facts noted in #1 are the same, except you do not laugh. You say, “Come on everyone, let’s move on from this personal talk.” In reaction, the group stops talking. After a few moments of silence, the leader directs the group back to the agenda.

Now ask yourself how much you care about what other people think of you? The truth is, unless you have directly asked the question, “What do you think of me?” and received an answer, you do not know. So, why waste the time wondering?

Focusing on the knowns at work, the direct feedback you have received, frees you from wondering what others are thinking. It opens the door to behaving in a way that aligns with your values. It gives you the opportunity to realize you can support other women without turning your back on male colleagues.

And, I believe you can be for someone without being against someone else. What do you think? How do you show up? Does it align with your values? What can you learn? How can you do better? I believe there is enough goodness in life for everyone to enjoy. How about you?

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Knowing Your Part in Business: What Your Younger Self Could Tell You

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

When I was a kid, my family gathered around the dining room table on weekends, put some music on the Hi-Fi and played cards, most frequently Pinochle. As the youngest of six children, I seldom joined in the game. I was too little and inexperienced. Truthfully, my interests centered around the music that was supposed to provide a background for the game. For me, the music was everything.

Those times illustrated with great clarity the path I would choose in my life. I wish I had recognized it sooner. My younger self held the wisdom of my future in her hands. I acted instinctively sometimes toward my best path, but often I failed to listen.

I come from a musical family. While we played cards, we sang along to the music, each choosing a separate harmony to sing. My parents envisioned themselves as extremely hip allowing my older brothers and sisters to supply the modern music of the time – Joni Mitchell, Simon & Garfunkel, Bread, Cat Stevens and the Beatles. However, the White Album was quickly banished as soon as “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road” came blaring out of the speaker.

How the four players in each game found the mental room necessary to think in the midst of the shear volume of the music and so many singers crouched around them is a mystery to me. My mother actually displayed the gift of counting cards, knowing exactly what was left in each person’s hand, while humming and chair-dancing when her favorite songs were on – “I Dig Rock and Roll” by Peter, Paul and Mary in particular.

I created a fringe role for myself at these times listening to all of the other harmonies, the established ones, around me and inventing new ones. I moved around the table quietly stepping into the small groups created by our bunched up chairs and sang notes I grabbed from the sky or inside my head. I am sure some of them were off-key as evidenced by mother’s or brother’s quick shake of the head and wince of the eye. Somehow, at the young age of 11, 12, and 13, the clinkers failed to stop me. I charged forward each weekend, praying on Thursday night for a card game or two that Saturday. Those evenings were the center of my joy.

Inevitably, a memory from childhood pops up. The client will say, “When I was a child, I used to … Why don’t I do that now?”

Now, as I work with individuals and teams supporting them and giving them the tools to find success, I think about myself back then. I knew then who I was and had claimed my role – the outsider lobbing something new into the established group, the way-shower lighting the path for a previously hidden interlude, the experimenter willing to get messy during the search.

I see now how I incorporate that skill set into coaching. I enjoy bringing together ideas, lessons, and tools to guide a client toward their destiny. With each coaching engagement I help my clients identify obstacles keeping them from succeeding in the ways they want to succeed. Inevitably, a memory from childhood pops up. The client will say, “When I was a child, I used to … Why don’t I do that now?” Indeed, what would the younger you tell you about yourself if you chose to listen?

I find the paths we take throughout life fascinating. How did my client’s personality show up in childhood? What were the defining moments pushing one person to be a lawyer and another an entrepreneur? And, how much of themselves were lost along the way?

Sometimes as we age, we lean in to the “you shoulds” others dictate to us. Taking a supporting role seems unappealing or even unworthy. Our minds get mixed up with what we are supposed to want versus what we really need. Suddenly, we are lost. We are unsure how to move forward. We get stuck.

Many clients express the need to be authentic in creating relationships at work as leaders or in developing business. I have written about it here often, because it is such a strong and repeated need. The first step in that process is to identify who they are. Once that is clear, moving forward becomes easier.

Why not ask yourself? What role would you take if you thought about the strengths you exhibited as a kid. If you were in a band or orchestra, would you play the music, conduct the music, or manage the group’s schedule? If you are a business leader, do you crunch the numbers, execute the strategy, or create the strategy? Are you in the right role? How do you harmonize with your colleagues?

There are so many roles you can play, are you in the right one? Give coaching a try. Reach out to me for a free consultation using this link. Let’s find your joyful place!

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Owen and the Fourth

A Special Post From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

When I think about the 4th of July, I think about my son Owen and remember a day at Hoyt Pool in Wauwatosa. A perfectly warm day with few clouds in the blue sky, the newly opened pool offered a beautiful, fun escape. In addition to a splash area for younger kids, it had a big, colorful slide for the entertainment of older kids.

Owen has a disability that affects his arms and legs. My son, however, gravitates toward mastering the things that other people believe he cannot do. So, of course, he figured out a way to swim using his strong thighs to kick his legs. He practiced holding his breath, planning to achieve a world record.

“Mom, mom, count how long I am under the water. I bet I can do three minutes. Ready? Go!” he would say too quickly for me to be ready and count. He loved the water. It gave him the freedom of movement he could not replicate on dry land. I picture him now wearing his swim goggles and staring at me intensely, hopping on the foot of his one straight leg while he readied himself for a plunge under the water.

Sometimes, he would hook his ankles onto the side of the pool and submerge himself backwards. Those times, he stayed under the longest. Just when I began to panic a bit that he was under too long, he popped up with a laugh. He delighted in seeing the panic in my face. “Mom, mom! I know what I’m doing,” he would say with a laugh and happily swim away.

I am not a great swimmer. I do not like being in water over my head. My sweet son tried to coax me out of my fear each time we visited our beautiful pool. “Come on, mom. You can swim. Go in the deep water with me.”

I ventured forth into the deep – for me, that is anything over 4’ 10”. Quickly, I skittered back to my comfort zone at the edge of the pool where I would get a bit of exercise by holding on and kicking.

On this festive 4th of July, a lifeguard told us Owen must pass a swimming test before playing in the deep end again. I held my breath, waiting for Owen’s response. Ever the worrier, I feared he would refuse, or worse, fail the test. I could see him refusing to go to the pool in the future if he failed. He loved the water so completely, I feared he would cut himself off from the great joy of the big pool.

“Okay!” Owen said. “What do I have to do?” The rules stated he had to swim out to the deep and come back without touching the bottom. It seemed a huge distance to me. I do not remember the specifics.

I asked the lifeguard how many times he would have to do this. What if the lifeguards changed shifts? The kids receive a password once they pass, he told me. I nodded at hearing that. We had heard kids shouting random words at the lifeguards before: Inner tube., friend, truck, and so on.

It was time for Owen to take the swimming test. He took a deep breath, plunged himself under the water, and quickly swam straight across, into the deep, past the other kids watching him in awe, straight to the next set of ropes. Then, he hovered for a second, treading water, and swam back.

No arms! He never used his arms, because they have no muscles in them. I explained that to the lifeguard. I taught him how to say Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita that day. He repeated after me, “aar·throw·gri·pow·suhs muhl·tee·pleks kuhn·jeh·nuh·tuh.

Owen arrived at the pool wall and looked up at the lifeguard.

“Well?”

“You passed!” he said giving a big, tanned thumbs up.

“What’s my word?” Owen said laughing with delight.

“Independence,” the lifeguard said.

A day of triumph for my amazing son who spent the entire day shouting, “Independence” at the amazed lifeguards.

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Imagine the Best Picture of You

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

When my photographer revealed the images of me after our photo session, I was awestruck. I have always been camera shy even though my mother used to say I was photogenic. So, I hesitated more than a little when investing in a professional photo. This photo session was magic. I though, “this is how I want to look. This is the image I want to project. And, this is really me.”

An exercise I use during coaching sessions asks the client to list words. The words should indicate how they believe others would describe them as leaders. Then, they list the aspirational words, the words they would love people to use when talking about their leadership. The exercise is about perception and self-image.

Sometimes, the first list of descriptors comes through reviews and feedback from supervisors, managers and colleagues. Participation in a 360 review process generally gives a leader specific input and is a good source in development of the list. However they emerge, observations from others bring surprises – some very helpful and appreciated, some causing doubt.

Looking at the gap, the difference between what others believe and what you want to project, creates a great opportunity for growth.

Mary Balistreri, The Mindful business coach
A woman with curly hair wearing red glasses and a red blazer smiling at the camera against a neutral background.

For myself, I know I want to project a confident engaging, knowledgeable business woman. And, the feedback I receive surprises me. I hear, “Fun. Your web site does not show how much fun you are.” Or, one that does not exactly produce excitement in me, “The rock. You are so dependable.” My reaction to dependable is “boring.” But, that feedback ultimately made me happy that clients and colleagues depend on me. It also made me realize I want to be exciting. Hence the red in this image, my favorite picture of me.

This picture makes me laugh when I see it. I remember my negativity about getting a good photo. I remember my nervousness which the photographer remedied by playing great dance music. I love to dance and it set me at ease. It makes me smile remembering the compliments I still receive about this photo even though it has been out there in social media land for three years. It makes me happy.

My aspirational list contains many more words than those mentioned above. Yet, when I am having one of those days, you know the kind, when a potential client says “yes” to everything except signing the contract. The days when your e-mail is full only of other people trying to sell you things. The quiet days when the phone does not ring. Those are the times I need to dig into my own self-talk. 

Mindset affects the way you feel. The first step to taking control of your life, career, image – you name it – is to control your own thoughts and attitudes. For me when I am in a negative place, sometimes I tell myself, “Look for the things that are going right.” Another mantra for me is, “Everything you need is around you. Just focus and you will see it.” Or, I look at this picture. This photo continually snaps me out of negative reverie into the beauty of the day.

How about you? Is there an image of you that you believe shows the best you? Can you visualize what that image might be? And, which words are on your lists? Take a moment, and pen and paper, to think about it. And if you want help, send me an email or make an appointment. It will brighten my mood on one of “those” days and begin your investment in controlling your own image.

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Boost Your Confidence: Speak Up at Work

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

This week, I participate in Advocacy Days in Washington, D.C. with NAWBO (National Association of Women Business Owners). As a member of this supportive group of entrepreneurs, I relish the idea of combining our voices to stand up for women and small business owners in our country. I did not always possess the ability to speak up for myself or anyone. I was taught to keep my head down and work hard.

My clients, and me and people everywhere, seem to want the same thing – to be heard. Being heard and understood leads to feelings of belonging. A sense of belonging leads to confidence in your environment. That confidence can lead to trust. And, trust leads to honesty, collaboration, productivity, and satisfaction.

Many of my clients express the need to speak more confidently at work and to be heard. Through coaching, some learn to stand up for themselves and their staff. It is a key element in becoming a better leader. 

Has anyone every told you, “Well, if you do not tell me, how am I supposed to know what you want?” The statement is true.

Yet, what is a person supposed to do? How do you start? What do you say? It is more complicated than just being told to speak up. Like most things in life, learning to use your voice can be made into a process. Start small, then let yourself grow.

A Process. Also like most things, a one-size-fits-all process may not work for every size. Each person is different. Each person’s obstacles that keep them from speaking up are individual to them. Each business environment has its own culture. So, take the suggestions here and adopt them for your needs and environment.

  • Start by finding your voice. What is important to you?
    Take some time to think about what is most important to you. Think about what you value most. Make a list.
  • Look for patterns.
    Are there certain behaviors that bother you? Do others take advantage of you? Have you established boundaries? In which situations do you wish you had voiced your opinion? Make a list. Do you see a pattern? It is probable you have experienced the same kinds of situations during your life in multiple areas – at home, at your current job, and at a previous job. Narrow in on the causes.
  • What keeps you from voicing your thoughts?
    Many of my clients dislike conflict. Voicing an opinion creates the possibility that someone will disagree with you. If this sounds like you, think about the word “no” and how it feels to hear it. How does it feel to say “no?” Disagreements can be resolved through talking. Think about what happens if your hear “no” and what happens if you hear “yes.” Those are the two extremes. Most responses will be somewhere in the middle.
  • Give it a try.
    Plan ahead to voice your opinion and practice what you might say. “I understand your idea, and here are my thoughts.” or “I know you are busy, but I cannot take on another project right now. Let’s talk about who is more available.” Take a deep breath and try it out. Notice what happens. How did it feel? Try it again. Remember to align your need to speak up with your values.
  • Keep growing.
    Practice until it becomes a comfortable habit.

If you exercise your vocal chords, your voice will become stronger. The more often you stand up for yourself and others, and the more toned your muscles will become. Keep at it. Maybe you will join me at Advocacy Days next year.

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Pause for Follow Up

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

April and May bring huge amounts of activity – both for business and leisure. After numerous weeks of running from one thing to the next, I am catching my breath and looking for the opportunities brought from all those pursuits. What will come from the seeds I have planted this spring?

At one point in the last few weeks, I alternated between four conference name badges and multiple name tags for various events. While in the midst of the activity, my mind drifted toward the reasons for this busyness. “Is this where I want to be right now?” I asked myself multiple times. Most of the time, the answer was “yes.”

During free moments, I sat down with my calendar to look for items to drop. A session from one conference might be too close to the networking lunch. So, I gave myself permission to drop that session. For each activity, I planned ahead to understand my goal for my participation. Then, I refined my focus as days evolved.

Focusing on my goals helped me get the most out of the events and made me pause to reconsider. At the end of it all, I know that reflecting on opportunities and following up with individuals and the plans suggested are the keys to success.

So, today while I am in the midst of my own thinking and following up, I thought to offer some tips for you. There are a number of ways to reflect back on a time of vigorous activity. One thing is certain, time must be set aside to think. A process is outlined below.

  1. Calendar a time to pause and reflect. Why calendaring? Because adding something to your calendar makes it real. Otherwise “take time to pause and reflect” is just an idea. By making specific space and time for reflection, you make a commitment with yourself.
  2. Use business cards and social accounts to help you reflect. Once comfortable and relaxed, use tools to help you remember. Gather business cards you picked up along the way. Look at LinkedIn and other business social networks to view your new connections. Pull out notes you might have taken. I make notes in my phone sometimes to remind me who to contact again and why, to write down an idea I may have formed about how to use information I collected, or to suggest which of my contacts could benefit from the information I learned.
  3. Evaluate the opportunities. First, decide what categories of follow up are important to your goals. You could be looking for new clients, shopping for a mentor, looking for a group of people with similar interests, or searching for future team members. After you determine the categories, choose the type of follow up that is appropriate for the circumstance. For example, for some new contacts you may want to set up a coffee, lunch or a virtual meeting. For some you are interested in connecting, but feel no urgency. Some may benefit from the materials you picked up at a conference.
  4. Do the follow up. Rule of thumb is to follow up as soon after you met someone as possible. This might not always be feasible, plan to reach out in some way within two weeks of the interaction. The important thing is to execute on the follow up. Then continue to find way to keep in touch with the contacts which present the best opportunities.

Make sure to spend the time to look for opportunities and follow up on the contacts you make. Then at the end of the year when you are looking back at your accomplishments, you are much more likely to be happy with yourself.

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Looking Back: What Have You Learned?

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

In a few months, it will be the 30th anniversary of the launch of my first business. Well, I put on shows for the neighborhood and sold tickets as a kid, but I am not counting that bit of entrepreneurship. I refer to the musical theatre-in-the-round business that began with so much excitement in 1995. Right about now, at the end of a cold winter 30 years ago, I decided to take the leap. I said “yes” to my new business partner with all of the hopes and dreams anyone conjures at the start of an adventure.

I left the business after five years and started a job in the corporate world because my husband was ill and we needed real health insurance. Ten years ago, I still raged a bit inside at my stupidity (now I would say naivete) regarding that business. Twenty years ago, I raged a bit more at my previous business partner than at myself. Even then I acknowledged it was my idiocy (now I would say ignorance) that let my guard down back then.

With this anniversary coming up, I am reminding myself of the lessons that experience taught me. Jump in, read along, and consider sharing your experiences with someone this week. Whether your “learning opportunities” came from failed business ventures or leadership issues in a former job, they undoubtedly taught you some valuable lessons.

Nothing Replaces Experience
I jumped into my situation with no experience running a business. The only business classes I had taken in college were Business Writing 101, Communications (not sure of the number, but it was a higher level class), and Statistics. I knew plenty about singing, writing, art, movies, and reporting. However, the art history, literature, and movie criticism classes fell short of preparing me to manage a business.

As a newspaper reporter for ten years, I had developed skills in one area, public relations, that proved valuable to promoting the theatre. I understood how to get your item into the newspaper by pitching a story with a good hook. I knew what made a good story. I also knew many of the local reporters and could address the pitch to a specific person rather than info@soandsonews. Actually, back then I reached out directly by phone most of the time. Most importantly, I had learned how to interview people, ask questions, and listen well. That skill is needed in business and everyday life, well, every day.

I did not know the big stuff. Questions like – what were the terms of the lease for the space we rented, who do we consult if an actor accuses other actors of sexual misconduct while on stage, what happens when you never get a quorum at your board meeting? – I left to my business partner. He ran a business before and it seemed to be quite successful. Big mistake!

Lesson #1: Understand the experience you bring to the table and that of your partner(s). Then, determine how to fill in the holes for the skills you are missing like legal, human resources, insurance, etc. This concept also applies to those leading a team. As you build your team, consider the balance of knowledge. Ask yourself, “What are we missing?”

Look Before You Leap
The third delivery of wood had arrived at our basement theatre location before I realized my business partner expected us to completely remodel the space and pay for it ourselves. Big Surprise! “So, that is why he asked me how much disposable income I had after I paid off my car,” I suddenly realized.

In addition to the wood and a carpenter he had hired to remodel, expenses quickly piled up. Costumes, lights, a lighting board, a piano, the rights to all of the shows we planned to perform. The list goes on, but you get my drift. I worked a number of jobs at that time freelancing for various newspapers. My days generally began at 6 a.m. and ended at 8 p.m. I thought the theatre company was a small thing, something to do on the weekends. I thought our “season” for the first year consisted of two shows. I thought we were putting a toe in the water. I thought the theatre would be an amusing and fun hobby. My partner planned a six-show show season. We were rehearsing one show while another one was up and running for a full five years.

Lesson #2 Make sure you have a contract. Friends quickly become enemies when money and disagreement enter the relationship. My business partner’s vision did not align with mine. I thought we had talked it out. He thought we had talked it out. Neither of us had heard the other, obviously. I wish I had sat down with my colleague and written out our plan for that first year. I also wish I had talked to a lawyer about the endeavor.

This lesson applies to leaders within an organization, too. Make sure everyone is on the same page at the start of a project. Each must understand their role and know the expectations.

Understand your “why.”
I agreed to start that business for a plethora of reasons, but the major reason was because I was bored. And, I had just turned 30. I wanted to do something interesting. So, the sixth or seventh time my business partner asked me to join him as the general manager of the theatre, I said, “Yes. Why not?”

Now, his list of reasons for starting the business was quite long and compelling. He dreamed about it since he was a kid in the choir at the Metropolitan Opera in New York City. He knew every single show he wanted to stage.

Additionally, he felt the city (Milwaukee) needed another children’s theatre with lower-priced tickets. Giving children in our community the opportunity to see live musical theatre was also important to me. Here was the primary uniting vision. This purpose drove us to marginal success for five years.

Lesson #3: Grab a journal and write down all they “why’s” and “why nots” of a new venture before making a commitment to it. What expectations do you have? What results indicate you succeeded? Is this the right time for you?

If I had focused on the self-awareness, I would not have blamed my business partner for the woes of the business problems. And, I would now have a better sense of what I achieved at that time of my life.

Looking back, I feel nostalgia for those times. I learned so much about running a business. I learned how to work with an accountant, keep track of the books, hire people, fire people, and how to keep my cool during a wardrobe malfunction onstage.

What memories do you have of past business ventures? Please share the lessons you learned.

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Change: How Will Life Be Different?

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

How will things be different? This is a standard coaching question. Once you achieve your goal, how will things change? Paint me a picture of your future life. The question helps the client gain clarity around why they want to make changes. What impact will the changes make on your life – your private life, your work life – on you?

Yet, many people find it difficult to see through the clouds. Sometimes I hear this response from a client, “I’m not really the kind of person who enjoys visualization exercises. I concentrate on what is in front of me.”

If this is you, you are not alone. Some people generate ideas easily. Some people are labeled visionaries. Some people look to facts to paint pictures. And, as clients have told me, some people work on the task directly in front of them.

The answer to this one question tells a coach how to proceed with coaching the individual. This one question evokes strong emotion for some. For some, it can lead to a discussion of recent life events that make thinking, much less dreaming, hard to do. If a client is part of that collective of people, how do we proceed?

I will share a personal story. Several months ago when life bloomed inside me and around me, I embarked on the task of drawing a picture for myself of the life I most loved to have. I wrote down the concrete results, yet could not visualize the parts of life that bring color – my reds and oranges were absent from my vision. This brought confusion to me. In my most relaxed state in a decade, why could I not see the colors, mood, and breeziness of the life I dreamed?

As part of a group discussion, I raised these concerns. A woman who participated in the virtual call, whom had only met me a few times, filled in the blanks for me. I was astounded. How could she know me better than I did? She easily put herself in my stylish, red and brown oxfords. She conjured my billowing red blouse and linen pants. She walked beside me down a crowded street in New York City. She saw my future life when I failed to see it.

I realized, but not until today, that sometimes we need others to dream for us. Others may look inside us and see the beauty and happiness waiting to be released.

Today, when I returned to that exercise and asked, “What do I want my life to look like?” I was greeted not only with red and orange, but brilliant blues and greens. My daily actions and non-actions drew the picture closer to me. They colored in the picture I had only outlined for myself.

My epiphany: I am 60% closer to having the life I would love the most.

How did it happen? I concentrated on the concrete. I worked on what was in front of me every, single day. I kept moving forward. I took breaks when I needed. I failed. I stopped. I started again. Then I went back and checked on that dream. It was materializing at its own pace, in its own time.

The answer then to the question, “how do we proceed” is through other people. Other people may become sounding boards for us. Find someone to color in your dream for you. Admit when you are stuck. Ask for input. And, maybe, find a good coach.

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Grief and Business: They Go Together

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

A few weeks ago, I participated in a panel discussion called “Behind the Mask: Stories of Courage, Growth and Strength.” My story over the last few years focused on continuing, moving myself and my business forward while dealing with grief. I continued to work on my business while making space to grieve. Wherever it shows itself in life, loss demands acknowledgement.

Twenty-five years ago, I walked away from my musical theater business because my husband had a stroke. I did not realize until 2023 how much grief I carried from that experience. How did I notice it so many years later? After my sister passed away in February 2023, I stopped and gave myself time to grieve. As my mind began to calm and quiet, I found there were many losses in my life begging to be acknowledged. “Let me out!” they yelled at me. They had probably been yelling for years, but their voices drowned in all the activity with which I filled my waking hours.

If I kept things moving, I could run from the pain, sadness, embarrassment and shame equated with loss. And, while I was working hard, playing hard, and pushing myself, I deprived myself of peace: of mind, of spirit, of thoughts.

Looking back through the lens of present-day, I understand more clearly the feelings I had back then. Crying because circumstance dictated I leave my business? How petty? How shallow when compared to the recovery my husband was going through. That is the source of the shame, in addition to feeling I had failed. I belittled my pain at that time yet carried it with me.

When we push our emotions down and ignore or minimize them, they find ways to break through the surface in bursts. I know I erupted from time to time. The point of this blog is simple: give yourself the space to feel the grief. In my last blog, Behind the Mask: How We Keep Afloat Through Tough Times, I give tips on how to make that space for grieving.

But how many of us take the time to acknowledge the grief and loss we feel at work?

What kinds of loss happens at work?
Every person feels things differently. From my observations at work, from my clients, and from my own experience, these situations cause grief.

  1. Loss of business.
  2. Loss of clients.
  3. Loss of a colleague or colleagues (whether through death or a change in jobs).
  4. Loss of funding.
  5. Big changes such as re-organizations and mergers. People may need a moment to grieve over a time when they knew what to do and how to do it.

As individuals, we need to notice when our grief flares up. In my situation, I felt loaded down with rocks and the weight kept me from enjoying life. The heaviness disrupted my ability to be productive. And, worst of all, I had no control over when grief raised its head and upended my plans for the day, the week, the month.

How to Grieve A Business Loss?

  1. Treat it like any other loss. If your parent died, would you expect yourself to return to work the same day? No. If your business fails, take a moment to feel your in feelings.
  2. Your body knows. Listen to your body. If you feel fatigued, rather than pushing yourself forward, acknowledge the feeling. Ask your body what it needs. You might be surprised at the answers. You will be more productive when you go back to business.
  3. Talk to people. Expressing your feelings about your loss takes the thoughts out of your head and shares the load with another person. It will lighten and enlighten you.
  4. Listen to people. The more you listen to people, the more you will find commonalities and reassurances that you are not alone. You will also learn tricks and habits that helped them recover from their loss.

Tomorrow, we will repeat the “Behind the Mask” event as a webinar in conjunction with Chicago’s BACP (Business Affairs and Consumer Protection). I was moved by the experiences shared by the women on the panel and those individuals in attendance. When people share their wisdom, incorporate the those pearls into your way of life.

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Behind the Mask: How We Keep Afloat Through Tough Times

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

The MBT Blog is publishing a day early this time because tomorrow I participate in a panel of amazing #womenentrepreneurs discussing what goes on behind our masks. These are the masks everyone must wear occasionally when life or business makes it tough to continue. Behind our professional demeanors, tough circumstances make quitting, crying, and hiding attractive solutions. So we haul out a different version of ourselves who can smile, inspire, teach, and work with little evidence of the turmoil going on inside. How do we do that?

The more I talk with people, the more I see them grasping for ways to hold on, to be better, to succeed despite “all the things” needing their attention. Clients are managing their stress, their emotions, and their reactions to become better communicators and more productive. The skills involved can be taught and align perfectly with the tools of great leaders.

Mindset, mindfulness, and self-management are critical to succeeding behind the mask. First, set your mindset. Focus your thoughts on those necessary to motivate you. Then, increase your awareness of the moments in life. Be present when interacting with others and visualize positive outcomes when preparing for the next business encounter. Finally, understand what you need to manage your flaws. It is one thing to know how your weaknesses show up under stress and quite a different thing to manage them successfully.

Then where do we put the problems and feelings? We are all human. Feelings buried deeply over time are bound to burst out into the open to declare, “I am here! Acknowledge me!”

During my greatest difficulties in life, I schedule time for grief, anger, madness, and other strong emotions. I make a list of my goals for the day and plan to sit with my feelings when I finish. Then, when I feel the surge of sadness or anger coming on, I remind myself, “I scheduled an emotion hour at 2 p.m.” Does this system always work? No. But it does help me push through the “must-dos” of a specific day.

A dear friend suggested my participation in the Behind the Mask panel because she is aware of the hardship and grief I have experienced in the last few years. In fact, since opening MBT More Business Today at the start of 2021, I led the double life of caregiver to my sister who was ill and my mother who had dementia. After they died in 2023, I experienced a different kind of life-stopper, dealing with the grief of losing the two closest confidants in my life. Then at the end of last year, we experienced the tragic death of my 13-year-old grand niece, Gigi. Some tears refuse to wait until 2 p.m. to flow.

My journey has taught me so much especially during the last four years. Here is a list of thoughts for how to make it through.
1. You are not alone. Talk to people and listen to their stories. Ask for advice.
2. Notice your mood. If your body is begging you to rest, rest. I find my body is very much aware of which days are loaded with client work and which ones have fewer meetings. The big emotions or exhaustion tend to arrive on those days.
3. Be kind to yourself. This tip involves giving yourself some grace when you forget to do something or cannot complete a task. Yes, give yourself grace! But also be kind and helpful to yourself by setting yourself up for success. Schedule time in your calendar for reflection, rest, and/or emotions. Your mind will add the information to your inner calendar making it easier for you to push through the projects or meetings that must be completed.
4. Adopt the wisdom of others. As a coach, I learn from my clients each session. I am thrilled or impressed by new ways to express something and new tools to incorporate into my repertoire. After I try them out, I pass them along to others.
5. Give grace to others. Each person is dealing with something. Be kind then curious.

There is no way for us to know what goes on behind someone’s mask until they tell us. Who do you admire most? Why do you admire them? Ask some questions or do some research: what is going on behind their mask and how do they cope? Join us tomorrow in Oak Park, Illinois to hear our stories.

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What’s So Scary, and Great, About Role Playing?

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

When I use the words “role play” with clients, a wince or eyeroll is often the response. I could try saying “act out” or “playact” but I think those phrases are more off putting than role play. Is it not better to practice what you might say in an important conversation than to watch yourself spew something that sounded great in your head but is completely off target in the moment? You can almost see the words of the verbal oops! rushing out of your mouth. So, why not practice in advance?

Why is it scary? Clients tell me it is awkward to practice. They feel uncomfortable. They seldom listen to their own voices. And, they do not like being told to adjust what they are saying. Some find it easier to say what they are going to say and run. That way there is no feedback to hear. It will also impede your growth.

The more feedback you can incorporate, the better your skill becomes. It is the same as practicing anything: golf, singing, playing an instrument, learning a new language. You look to others to show you how to be better.

Some of the best uses for role playing in business, or practicing what you might say in advance, are the following:

  • Your elevator speech,
  • Stories about your accomplishments you might tell at a networking event or business meeting,
  • A pitch meeting,
  • A difficult conversation with an employee.

Clients generally thank me when we finish role-playing a conversation. The reactions go something like:

  • “Wow! I can’t believe I was going to lead with that statement!”
  • “I sounded so stupid!”
  • “Trying out the actual words I planned to say helped me think things through. I am so much more prepared now!”

Some people fear they will sound robotic if they rehearse a conversation. I understand the anxiety. But, practicing creates a safe space to try out your phrasing, keep the words that work best, and throw out the ones that are off point.

Here are a few tips for rehearsing while maintaining your authenticity:

  • Write down the top three points you want to make. Ask yourself, “What would I like the person on the other side of the conversation to remember?”
  • Read it out loud. You can read it to a colleague or friend or just to yourself. It makes a big difference to listen to your own voice speaking the words your wrote down.
  • Now, practice in front of a mirror. How do you look while you are talking? How do you feel about how you look? What do you notice? Are you looking down at the paper? Do you stumble on your words? In both cases, it could be that the words are not natural for you. Play with them until you feel more comfortable.
  • Finally, role play the conversation with another person (preferably a coach). They will give you feedback on how a conversation might proceed based on your approach.

Role playing is an important tool in self-awareness. Avoid the verbal oops! and try it out!

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Stages of Life: Unveiling Your True Self at Work

From the MBT Blog – published by MBT More Business Today LLC

Every client I coach makes the point they want to be themselves at work. Some will express the desire to be their authentic selves. Many struggle with an atmosphere at work which seems to demand they behave outside of their comfort zone.

I thought about this dynamic recently while viewing “I’m Not There,” a movie about Bob Dylan (not the big Oscar-nominated film that’s out right now) from 2007. Cate Blanchett, Richard Gere, Christian Bale, Ben Winshaw, Heath Ledger and Marcus Carl Franklin all play Bob Dylan at different stages in his life.

A very interesting movie, for sure, and the kind I like most. I loved it for the creativity, the performances, and how it made me think for a long while afterward. I made myself a playlist of Bob Dylan songs, with Bob singing them, not that guy in the current movie. The more I listened, the more I thought about the movie, Bob Dylan, and myself. The lyric, “…it ain’t me, babe. It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for,” from his 1964 song kept ringing in my head.

If someone made a movie about me, which actor would play me? This question often creates amusing conversation. As I thought about “I’m Not There” and the different phases in my life, I wondered who I was at each stage. Would I recognize all of myself? Would the list of famous people acting like me also be eclectic like those in the movie? Maybe it would include Holly Hunter, Emma Watson, Bella Ramsey (from “The Last of Us”), Tilda Swinton and Ryan Gosling (because Gosling can do anything).

In fact, I was still thinking about the movie this morning, many weeks after watching it at home. I continue thinking about Dylan, too, one of the greatest poets of all time in my opinion. But as I thought of all the stages of my life and the different faces I have worn, I wondered which ones were authentically me. Which Mary would they be looking for? Which Mary’s went against the grain for me? When did I cave in and operate outside of myself? When did I feel the most right? Which parts of each of them make my authentic self today?

Who Am I Now?
The deeper question is who am I now? At this moment in my life, what does it mean to speak with my authentic voice? When working with clients, I ask them what it means to them to be their authentic selves. As the business coach, I generally hear them say that being “salesy” is not authentic for them. They do not want to be perceived as high-pressured sales people. As a leadership coach, I hear the words “confident and approachable” most often. Authenticity to many leaders means projecting confidence and inclusiveness.

Not all clients can articulate what is authentic for them. It is more of an I’ll-know-it-when-I-see-it situation. So, we try things on. We explore their words of authenticity.

For example: How would you open a difficult conversation with an employee? Now ask yourself, how will those words be heard by the person across the table from you? Then, try different ways to communicate your message. What feels the most comfortable for you and is likely to be heard by your employee?

An Approach
Some individuals prefer to tackle these questions by reconstructing situations where they did not feel authentic in their actions or conversations. As a coach, I guide them through the identification of the circumstance and the words they used in a specific situation. This method creates an opportunity for the person to discover the best way to communicate their message.

There are so many variables in any conversation. It is not possible to prepare for every situation. This is why finding your authentic voice is so important in developing business and leading a team.

Self awareness is key to being authentic while being professional. While your authentic self may enjoy swearing as a colorful form of expression, you know it is not acceptable to speak with that authentic voice in the office. So, here is an exercise to look at the stages in your life and cull together the pieces that are now your authentic self.

An Exercise
This should be a fun internal escapade rather than a deep, serious dive. Grab a notepad. Get comfy. Enjoy this bit of unscientific self-discovery.

1. Looking at the various stages of your life, what faces did you wear?
For me, the answers include roles and descriptive words about me. Coach, director, supervisor, strategist, business owner, advisor, dreamer, writer, singer, newsletter designer, editor, wife, sister, mom, friend, confidant, fun-seeker, animal lover, ally, supporter. The list could continue, but you get the idea.

2. As you look at the list, find the defining moments. Those bright or dark moments where you found yourself in the right place or the wrong place tell you so much about yourself. One bright moment for me came in the form of my son, who I adopted. That was the best decision! The dark moments tend to be the ones where I am snappy with others due to feeling overwhelmed.

3. Make a list of words you like to use which align with your values. As I mentioned above, my clients know which words express authenticity for them and which do not. Grab on to those words that illuminate who you are, the words that easily come to mind for you. Then, look at those moments mentioned above. Sprinkle the descriptors that best illustrate your intentions now. Finally, write down the words that best match with a few situations at work and in other situations. Are you finding your authentic voice?

For example, words that rise up for me are supporter, connector, and guide. If I feel myself going astray of those words, I can recognize it and pull myself back into the core of my self: who I am now.

If you try the exercise above, you will find the space from which your actions and communications begin and end. Some clients have a good sense of their values and how those show up in everyday life and work life. How about you? Was the exercise helpful to you? And, which actors would play you in a film about your life?

Subscribe to the MBT Blog for more mindful insights about business and leadership. We publish every other Thursday. Our next blog comes out on February 20.

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What’s Old Is New. What’s New Is New. What’s Meh Is Gone.

In the first few days of 2025, I endeavored – as I usually do – to clean the most cluttered parts of the house a bit each day. One hour per day will surely omit the necessity for larger cleaning days, right? I reasoned with myself. During that process, I came upon my favorite framed picture of my son. The one with the cutest smile in the world when he was only five years old. Distracted, I brought it to the living room. I spent some time – okay, a full hour – rearranging things so that it now occupies a prominent spot in my office.

My tendency to become distracted dictates the rituals and routines I must have in place to be productive. Hence (I love the word hence, don’t you?), I use time blocking to arrange my work in doable chunks that allow for distraction. At the same time, it keeps me on track with the activities I must do to be effective.

As I look at the blank page of the possibilities in this new year, my habit of time blocking stays in my repertoire of methods that keep me on track. Several years ago, I wrote a blog post about The Beauty of the Blank Notebook. Follow the link to read those ideas.

Today I am thinking about some old and good advice. Basically, when you are evaluating your life, business, career, and paths to success, do more of what is working for you; eliminate what is not working; and adopt only one or two new methods. Have you gone through this process? It is a helpful technique in clearing the cobwebs that may exist from too many new ideas or in breaking out of the stuckedness you may feel in the present. (As you might have noticed, I love words and also enjoy making up words. A joyous distraction for me.)

Do More of What Is Working for You.
As I noted in my example at the start of this article, taking large tasks and dividing them into smaller chunks works for me. Many of my clients adopt different types of routines which work better for them. Some must work on a project until it is complete. For them, prioritizing activities is essential to their success.

Another important use for this concept stems from developing business. What activities yielded the best results in 2024? By all means, let’s do more of that! Do not sacrifice what brings a high ROI (return on investment) because a new idea has taken hold. Keep the best!

Also apply the concept to leadership and building your team. What worked for you last year? Is your team more comfortable with their roles than they were in the past? Great! Now, what would be helpful to them this year? Ask them.

Eliminate What Is Not Working.
At the end of 2024, I, once again because I do it every year, evaluated the organizations and events in which I participated. What was my goal in participating? Did I receive an ROI from my involvement? The ROI comes in different forms depending on my goal. That is why having goals is so important. As I built my 2025 budget of both my time and my finances, I eliminated a few events and an organization.

Am I sorry to see these investments disappear? Not really. The elimination piece of my strategy is one based in logic and data. For me, as a big Feeler and Intuitive (in Meyer’s Briggs terms), I tend to go with my gut and an evaluation of the impact on people when I make decisions. When it comes to my business success, however, I lean into facts and figures.

Once again, many of my clients make decisions differently from me. For them, and for everyone, it is important to understand the motivation that spurs them to accomplish tasks.

Adopt Only One or Two New Methods.
The reasoning here comes from the reality of what happens when anyone (except maybe people like Leonardi da Vinci and Jim Henson) attempts to start and complete many new initiatives at once. The situation may begin well and offer hope, but somewhere a few months in, the tracks begin to cross. A collision is sure to derail all of the initiatives.

As you brainstorm for new methods of self-improvement, new lines of revenue, new industries of potential clients, and new tactics to increase employee engagement and retention, pick the best ONE or TWO ideas. Then, flesh out a real plan for each one complete with the who will lead, who will execute, who will measure success, and how it will be measured. And, if the answer to all those who’s is you, please only pick one initiative!

As I embarked on this new year, one item creating struggle and immobility for me was the content and direction of this blog. I have just shy of one thousand ideas regarding the topics of excitement in MBT blogdom. (Is that another invented word?) I sat with it, my confused, overstimulated state of mind, for a few weeks. Then, I picked one direction and moved forward.

The moral or punchline or directive or learning of this entire blog today is: Give yourself time. Give yourself grace. Give yourself what you need. Then, make a decision and Move Briskly Toward your success.

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Reflections on 2024

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

As 2024 closes, most of us are busily preparing for end-of-the-year parties and gatherings, spending real time with our communities of people who know us, and possibly trying to meet a few new connections to add to our network for next year. Maybe reflection will happen on January 2, 2025.

Recently, I was fortunate to stay in a resort in Colorado for a few days as I worked with a new client to kickoff our training and coaching initiative. Just like the woman in the photo, I spent a few hours gazing at the mountains (we don’t have them here in Wisconsin). Calm and serenity washed over me freeing my mind for reflection. My hope for all of you who read this blog is you pause, find a cozy or reflective spot, and give your mind the freedom of thought.

As The Mindful Business Coach, I pause today to relay to all my readers the reflections gathered from my own experiences, wisdom shared with me by clients and communities in 2024, and, of course, the lessons learned by the stars of this year’s blog posts, David and Norah.

Who You Work With Is As Important As What Your Work Is

Both David and Norah realized in 2024 the truth of this statement. For them, work needs to be fulfilling, but of equal importance to them is the community at work and sharing values in the workplace. Once Norah became Director of Diversity for her company and began working directly with the CEO, she felt empowered to create an inclusive environment and felt good about her job and the environment it offered. For David, however, the more success he gained in his law firm, the more apparent it became that opportunities were not shared equally among those working so hard to succeed. He questioned his environment even as he realized he was one of the chosen to receive opportunities. He still contemplates leaving the firm and opening his own firm focused on inclusivity.

To Speak Up or Not to Speak Up

David struggled with the guilt and unfairness of receiving multiple chances to move up in his organization while the women and minority colleagues did not. David decided to speak up and was surprised by the reaction. It reminded him of bullies in middle school. The administration knew about the issues but expected the kids to work it out among them. Basically, nothing happened to stem the bullying from a systemic level. It was up to the kids to stand up for each other or ignore those receiving the bullying. “Nothing changes,” David thought. “It’s still up to me to speak up and hope that someone will speak up for me when I am on the receiving end of unfair treatment in the future.”

Words carry baggage; they are rarely neutral.

Here is the rest of the quote from Judith E Glaser, author of Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results . “Words carry a history of years of use. Each time another experience overlays another meaning, and it all gets collected somewhere in our brain – ‘the vault’ – it’s there, ready to be activated during a conversation.”

Throughout the blog posts this year, our heroes, David and Norah, struggled with, prepared for, soul searched, and practiced conversations. They understood the concept from Conversational Intelligence “Words Create Worlds.” Culture exists on multiple levels and words carry meaning based on culture – from work experience, from work environments, from upbringing, and from personal experience. Remaining curious and self-aware to notice the impact of words and to ask for clarification led them both to higher levels of conversation and understanding throughout the year.

Prepare for A Conversation: Gently, Truthfully

Both Norah and David looked to their mentors for advice on how to approach a much-needed, volatile conversation with their father. As Edgar, David’s boss and mentor cautioned, “Know what you are aiming for.” Norah’s mentor, Sherri, gave similar advice. Before embarking on a difficult conversation, know what outcome you want to achieve. The acknowledgement of the goal creates the tone of the conversation. For Norah and David, the goal was to forge a stronger relationship with their dad and, ultimately, create a happier family life. They adopted the mantra gentle truth as a constant reminder to approach their dad with love, patience and curiosity. Their hard work paid off and the group has plans for a family Christmas and Kwanzaa!

“It is so easy to give advice to others, and so difficult to take your own advice.” Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach

Ever have that experience when you do not know how to proceed with a challenge and a friend or colleague spouts advice that basically came directly from you? That phenomenon, “Physician heal thyself,” reminds us how each of us needs support. Community heals and lights the way. Sometimes we are the sage, and sometimes we need the sage.

Breathe.

Finally, slow down and take a breath. Did you notice you stopped breathing during an anxiety-instilling situation? Or, maybe your breathing had become shallow but you did not notice. Take a moment. Schedule time on your calendar to stop and breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Relax your shoulders. Where do you feel the effects of 2024? Massage that area gently. Acknowledge the positive and negative of the year. Then let it go.

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Will He Start His Own Law Firm? David Seeks Advice.

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

What does it take to make a change? How do you know when to take a big risk and when to stick with status quo? The truth lies inside of each individual. Before making that leap, explore inwardly and outwardly. Ask yourself the important questions and look to friends and research for advice and information.

Since our last blog, David continued thinking about the advice he received from Sherri. “Who you work with is as important as what your work is.” To read that post, follow the link to Who You Work with Is as Important as What Your Work Is. “Sherri is so wise,” he thought. “Who do I want to work with? I know, I should start my own firm and select my own people. That way, I can make sure everyone gets the same opportunities. We won’t be cut throat about who gets credit for the work. We’ll share the clients!”

In his excitement, David first talks to the head of his practice group at work, Edgar. Taking his mentor’s advice, David decides to seek the wisdom of his friends and family. He sends out invites for a cocktail hour at his house.

As soon as Sherri receives the invitation from David, she calls his half-sister, Norah. “Did you see this? I got an email from David with an invitation to advise him on his next move. What is this about?”

“You received one, too? I have not talked with him for a bit, but he said you inspired him to look for a new job or start his own firm.” Norah replies.

“I inspired him, huh? Well, he was not happy at work and we talked about his community there. That must be what he meant. Okay, I’m happy to be there. Want to ride together?” Sherri asks and they make plans to attend.

Upon their arrival, Sherri expresses surprise regarding David’s apartment. “I thought this would be swanky and posh with a doorman and all that. How long has he lived here?” she asks.

“He’s been here a few years. He’s paid well, but he wants to pay off his college loans as fast as possible. But this suits him, just a regular apartment for David. No frills. He’s not an indulgent sort of guy.”

“Now that you say it, that’s true. He is more interested in talking than in anything else!” Both women laugh as Sherri says this. David often admits one of his flaws is forgetting to breathe while he is talking and not making space for others to join the conversation.

Once inside, Sherri notices an adequately furnished apartment – tan chairs and a couch in the living room accented with glass side tables and lamps made of silver metal with dark brown shades. A few prints hang on the walls giving a pop of color. They are clearly the kind you find at a large discount store, abstract featuring dark reds, yellows, and browns. The biggest surprise to Sherri is the abundance of photos hung on the walls and placed on most of the surfaces. Pictures of David with his dad, and his sister, and David with his friends – so many friends – seem to be everywhere you look.

Once everyone is seated in the living room with a drink and a plate of cheese, crackers, hummus, pita, and olives, David takes the floor. “Thank all of you for being here tonight. Your support means so much to me. Have you all met?” Seeing a shaking of heads, he directs everyone to say who they are, how they know David, and why they are here.

The guests include:

  • Tony, David and Norah’s dad. He is in his 60s and has the same tousled hair as David, except his is a combination of silver and gray.
  • Norah, David’s half-sister. The bright copper pantsuit she wears compliments her cinnamon skin perfectly. She is often soft-spoken, but is learning to speak up and stand up for herself.
  • Sarah, David’s mother. Impeccably dressed in a black pantsuit accented by a jewel-tone blue, silk blouse that perfectly matches her eyes. Sarah is tall, blond, and uncomfortable. She is seldom in the room with her ex-husband, Tony. She vows to stay focused and do her best to help her son.
  • Edgar, David’s boss and mentor at work. Edgar is a tall, charismatic man with dark, chocolate colored skin, a full black beard, and wisps of silvery gray dotting his sideburns. He had immediately introduced himself personally to everyone in the room before sitting down. He is excited to see how this gathering plays out.
  • Paul, David’s best friend, is an IT developer. Tall and good looking, he wears a scruffy beard, blue jeans and polo shirts everywhere he goes. He is proud of his friend today. Paul had given David the advice awhile ago that he should speak up if he feels something at work goes against his values. You can read more about that conversation in, To Speak Up or Not To Speak Up: David’s Story.
  • Sherri, a friend of the family and mentor to Norah. Sherri, a short and slightly round woman with golden brown skin, is filled with anticipation at being here. She marvels how her words to this young man in a conversation several weeks ago resulted in a gathering like this. Norah, David’s half-sister.
  • And, Pete, another of David’s close friends. Pete is a short guy of average build with dark hair who resembles lots of short guys of average build with dark hair. That is fine with him. He prefers to keep quiet unless he is with good friend who he trusts. An associate at a competing law firm, Pete has been successful in developing business because his great observation skills help him he pick up non-verbal cues from others in any room. He notices immediately that Sherri and Sarah are a bit uncomfortable.

David continues speaking, “I Invited you all here because you know me best. I am thinking about going out on my own to start a new firm. I am looking for advice from all of you. There is no need to worry about the logistics, I am working with Edgar on that. What I am looking for is your feedback on my leadership capabilities. Can I do this? Do you think I have what it takes? What do I need to do to improve myself?” Everyone notices how excited David is. Energy generates from him to such an extent, the air feels electric. His sandy hair is tousled more than usual. He speaks even more quickly than his everyday breathless communication.

“Now, son, I don’t want to seem harsh, but are you crazy?” Tony asks and waves his hand to calm down the group who are ready to attack his position. “Look how young he is! Establish yourself first. Then when you have some experience under your belt and money in the bank, start your business. C’mon, help me out here!” Seeing most of the room, including his ex-wife shaking their heads no at him, he gestures to Edgar, the only man in the room close to his age. “C’mon Edgar. You see what I’m saying, right?”

Edgar nods, “I do see your point, Tony. However, I see a great deal of initiative on David’s part. I have also seen growth and a willingness to improve. I am interested in his perspective and those of the others in the room. For now, I am withholding any judgement.”

Paul speaks up, “Well, I don’t know where this will go, but I’m all for David making a change. No offense to you or your firm, Edgar, but I know he experienced some conditions he felt were unfair to women and minorities there.” Paul nods to Edgar to show his respect before turning to his friend, “David. I know you are a good-hearted, decent guy. Will you be a good leader? Yes, with help and more experience. What better way to get the experience than out on your own? Since Edgar has been mentoring you, I have seen positive changes in your awareness of other people. And, since Norah opened the doors to real conversations in your family, I’ve watched you embrace meditation! You can do whatever you want to do and I will be here to support you.”

There was an uncomfortable silence in the room and Paul wonders whether something he said has created some kind of tension.

David notices Sarah’s face turn pale and speaks up, “Thank you for the endorsement, Paul. I don’t think everyone here knew about the family conversations. Mom?” Sarah looks at him with worried eyes. “No? Sorry, mom. I will tell you about it later. What do you think about me becoming the leader of my own firm?”

Sarah smooths the material of her pants and clears her throat before speaking. “You have always been a natural leader, David. When you were a boy, all the other boys looked to you to decide what game to play at recess, what movie to see, and, later, what girl to ask to Homecoming. I am with Pete. I know you can do this.”

David smiles with relief, at least one parent is in his corner. Sarah continues, “From a business standpoint, you need to write down a list of pros and cons to this. What will you do without a paycheck? How will you pay your bills? Where will you get the work? Do you have a business plan?”

“You are right on target with all of that mom. I wanted to get first impressions first. Then, after some reflection, I will decide on the next step.” He stoops down to kiss her cheek and whispers, “I will take you out to lunch and fill you in on what’s been happening with Tony.” He then turns to Sherri.

“Sherri. You have been silent this whole time. I really value your opinion. What do you have to say?” David now stands directly in front of Sherri, who has barely taken a sip of her tonic water and lime. He noticed her brow wrinkling during the conversation. Sherri is known for speaking her mind, so he wonders what is holding her back tonight.

“Well,” Sherri pauses for several beats and then looks David in the eye. “I hear you talking about your personal skills, and I keep thinking, what is it you are trying to achieve? Now I know you and I talked about finding your community at work, but have you decided who is in that community? What is the culture you are trying to create?”

Tony nods and claps his hands briefly. “Yes. What are you trying to achieve? Why not just change to a different firm. Like Pete’s, maybe. What’s it like at your firm, Pete?”

Pete had been sitting with his head lowered desperately hoping to melt into the couch and go unnoticed. Now he has to respond. “Well,” he clears his throat and then speaks abruptly. “My firm is the same as David’s. Good luck finding something different. That being said, I agree with you, Tony. I can’t imagine taking such a huge risk so early in my career. Of course, David can and should do what he wants to do.”

A brief discussion ensues during which Tony, Pete and Paul are having one conversation, Sherri and Sarah are having another, and Edgar is observing them all. David looks over to Norah and motions toward the kitchen with his head. Once they are alone together there, David pours Norah a new glass of wine and asks, “What do you think, Norah?”

“I think I can’t believe you have all those people talking about you in the other room!” She laughs, “Really David, is this a cry for attention?”

“Okay, I deserve that. C’mon. What do you think?” he asks this urgently, like a little boy who just discovered a new video game and must buy it right now.

“I think you have more thinking to do. Take some time to consider all the questions your mom and Sherri raised. This would be a big move. You need to make sure you are ready,” she says this softly and gently.

“I know! But I want it to happen right now!” David says. They both laugh and return to the living room to join the conversations. Edgar is putting his coat on to leave. He gives David a brief handshake and says, “Let’s talk about this more next week when I’m back in the office. I have an early flight tomorrow.”

As each person files out, David’s mom reminds him to schedule their lunch, Tony shrugs and reminds him not to be late for meditation next week, and Paul claps him on the back. Finding himself alone in his apartment, he is happy with the evening. He managed his emotions pretty well until he was alone with Norah, he reflects. He did not have a panic attack. He smiles thinking about this and sits down with his journal to write out his immediate thoughts. He will go over them again over the weekend and decide on his next steps.

Tune in next time to learn more about David’s decision. What would you do?

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Who You Work with Is as Important as What Your Work Is

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

As we begin today’s blog, our friend Sherri sits quietly and ponders her life over the last 20 years. “How am I?” she murmurs out loud, then says again, “How AM I?” emphasizing the word am. Her friend Tony recently asked her this question. While she reflects, she also considers her life as a professional. An entrepreneur for two decades, Sherri grew her business by building relationships. She threw nearly all of herself into her business and her community. Eventually, the two things blended together and became her life. Now she contemplates whether her strategy was correct. Did it serve her well?

“Where do I fit into all of that as a person?” she wonders aloud to herself. She sits in her home office in her comfy overstuffed yellow, leather chair with a notebook on her lap. The notebook is simple, the kind you pick up at the local store. It bears no ornamentation or graphics. The cover is plain cardboard. The pages are lined. It is a no-nonsense, just-write-the-stuff-down kind of notebook. It suits her, her accounting business, and her mood today. “No nonsense, just write down what I am thinking,” Sherri murmurs to herself.

Sherri’s Thoughts – October 10, 2024
–I remember when I started my business. My mission was to bring financial education and growth to my community. I threw myself into my community. I SHOWED UP!!! I bridged barriers and grew my business. Looking back, I absolutely succeeded. The question is, did I take care of myself as a person?
– I AM my business.
– I am a servant leader. I serve my team, my clients, my community and my family.
– How am I? I am Great! and I am Tired! and I am Happy! I love my life.

“What am I missing with this exercise?” Sherri wonders out loud. She thinks about the conversation she had with David, the son of a friend. (To read more about that, read Yes, But How Are You?) “He was right about how I filled my life with activity. Is it because I am avoiding something?” she says, again out loud. “I’m calling him,” she decides and dials him on her cell. Now, her cell phone is bejeweled because when she is out in public, she dresses. The bling on her phone reflects her outer persona.

“Hello, David? Yeah, it’s Sherri. I’m okay, but I don’t get this exercise you talked about with the journaling. What’s supposed to happen?” Sherri speaks louder than usual. This whole exercise is frustrating her.

David holds the phone a bit away from his ear as he listens. “Wow, Sherri is keyed up!” he thinks. David sits in his stark, functional office at his law firm. He never hung paintings or added anything personal to the office, because he remains unsure about his future there. “I am so glad you called, Sherri! I could use a little break,” he stands up and runs his fingers through his shaggy sandy, blond hair.

“Here is what happened to me,” David says. “In the beginning, I started writing things down and I kind of thought it was stupid. But, the more I did it, the more I realized there were situations I never thought about. Things I did not want to think about. For me, that contributed to my panic attacks. Now, you never had a panic attack, so I would think it might be different for you.”

“Uh-huh. That’s right. I never had a panic attack. I am a very busy person. I do see value in reflection, though. You know, when I built my business, I did a great job. Things were not easy and I worked hard, but that is okay. I was working for me, you know,” she pauses to listen to his words of agreement. “Now, I am thinking about what is next? My kids are grown and out of the house.”

“Yes, that is something to think about. I am thinking that for myself right now. I am not sure if this law firm is the place for me,” David’s voice trails off as he says this.

“You’re talking to me in your office aren’t you? That’s why you’re talking so quietly,” Sherri laughs her deep, throaty laugh at this. “Well, who you work with is as important as what your work is, you get me?”

“Yes, I get you. You’re saying this may not be the right community for me. How did you build your client base in your business?” he asks. David knows Sherri has a very successful business.

“You know, I was very intentional. I knew who I wanted to serve and I showed up in those spaces. Building trust is something you have to work at, it does not happen over night. Thinking back, I remember many nights when money was scarce and we were barely making it,” she chuckles. “Back then, I thought if I just kept moving, things would get better.” Sherri pauses for a few beats and David remains silent. They both sense a revelation coming,” That’s it! I was always moving and doing to drum up business and keep our heads above water. Maybe I don’t need to do that anymore. Ha!”

“I can feel you from here! Now you have given me something to think about. Who are the people I want to serve as a lawyer. Hmm. I never thought about it before,” David’s mind starts moving. He feels the gears in his head starting to move as if he just applied a dose of new clean, motor oil to them.

“Right. The who was pretty easy for me. I could have used some pointers on the how, though. In the beginning, I was doing everything I could do for anybody who would ask me. And, believe me, I was undercharging. That was a hard thing to reconcile, how to charge what I am worth and still serve my people. But over time, we both caught up with each other. The small minority businesses I served grew until they started telling me I should charge more. In the end, it all worked out,” Sherri’s face beams with nostalgia. “Now, what do I want this next portion of my business and my life to be? I am going to journal about that. Thank you, David!” Sherri is ready to hang up and move on now. The faster this call is over, the sooner she can write down everything in her mind.

“And I am going to think about who I want to serve as a lawyer. Believe me, this firm charges well for my services. I like my clients. The question for me is really about the environment. Who is in my working community? Thank you for the advice and the inspiration, Sherri!”

“Ha, ha! Who would have thought it! A young white man and an older black woman have so much to share with each other? You take care, David,” Sherri hangs up and picks up her journal with renewed enthusiasm.

David looks at the phone and laughs out loud. That is Sherri for you! He loves this new relationship with her. He is both being mentored and mentoring at the same time. Life is amazing!

Tune in next time as David continues his quest to determine whether he fits in at his current firm.

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Yes, But How Are YOU?

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

“How are YOU, Sherri,” the words Tony spoke a few weeks ago after a meditation class echoed in Sherri’s mind. “When was the last time someone asked me that?” she wondered. To read more about the meditation class, check out the last post of the MBT Blog, Learning to Slow Down.

Sherri – a short, slightly round woman with golden brown skin, black hair so short she was nearly bald, and a bling-centered sense of style – felt a bit shaken by the revelation. Soon, she would enter her sixth decade of life. This was a good time to start reflection. “What do I want out of life?” she thought.

Known for her nurturing yet direct nature and for her wisdom, Sherri spent much of her life caring for and advising others. She relished that role. She genuinely loved caring for people. The owner of a successful accounting business for more than 20 years, Sherri was known for her deep chuckle and her energetic nature. Now, she realized the time had come to slow down and reflect on this next chapter of her life.

Today’s MBT Blog could stand for My Brooding Thoughts, Meditative Beautiful Time, or even Mapping Beyond Today. Sherri surprised herself by reaching out to David, the son of her old friend Judith’s husband. Judith passed away years ago, and Sherri remained very close to Norah, the daughter Judith had with Tony, David’s father. It sounds much more complicated than it really was. The surprise to Sherri came because she was seeking insight not only from someone nearly 30 years younger than her but from a white man.

“Sometimes I think it is part of our nature. Just like you and I are both extreme extraverts, we also both have talkative minds!”

David from the MBT Blog

The two had bonded over a brief conversation at the end of the meditation class they attended with Norah and Tony. They both had expressed relief at finding another person at the class whose mind was a bit too busy to relax. Sherri was greatly interested in David’s experiences.

Today, all of us MBT Blog readers drop in on their conversation. They are meeting for a cocktail at a quiet, black-owned bar near Sherri’s home. Sherri feels comfortable here. The location is on her turf and she knows the owner and most of the staff. As David enters the room looking for Sherri, he notices he may be the only white person there. “A new experience for me,” he thinks before spotting Sherri at one of the tables.

They hug and David holds on longer than usual. He is so happy to see her! This is the Sherri he is used to. She is dressed to the hilt in a bright mustard, purple and green pantsuit accessorized with a sparkling thick gold, chain necklace at the end of which had a large gold medallion. Even her black flats were bedazzled.

“I am so glad you reached out!” David says rustling his sandy, thick hair with his right hand. “I was afraid to tell Norah and Dad that the meditation was not really working for me. I attend because I want to support Dad and be with them as a family because Norah really wants that. But it is so hard not to look at my phone for a full 45 minutes! What are you having. It looks good,” David says all of this in a rush as is his style. Then he sits down, consciously makes himself take a beat, then asks, “How are you?”

Sherri is laughing into her hand. Yes, this is the David she knows. Since he was a boy, when Judith married his father, he talked fast and barely took a breath. She held a special place for David in her heart because, after Judith died, David made the effort to support Norah, his half-sister.

“I am well, David, and happy I reached out, too. I am having a gin and tonic,” she says this flashing her brilliant smile. She is surprised David is dressed casually in jeans and a dark polo shirt. “Didn’t you work today? I would think those law firms would keep you dressed in an elegant suit every day!”

“I worked from home today,” David says. Seeing her raised eyebrow, he continues, “Every since COVID, firms realized it was okay to let people work from home. I am much more productive when there is no one around to talk with. Cheers!” David raises his bottle of beer and clinks with Sherri’s cocktail glass. “Now, how can I help you out? I am so excited to help you for a change. You are always lending a shoulder to Norah and countless people. What could you possibly need from me?”

Sherri holds up a hand, “Slow down will you? You are still quite the talker!” Sherri laughs her throaty laugh. Then she clears her throat, takes a breath, and continues. “I am intrigued with your lifestyle, David. When did you notice you had anxiety? What were the symptoms?” She pauses for a moment and David waits for her to continue. “When you mentioned all the thoughts moving through your head, I realized I have that, too.”

“I think a large percentage of people have that, Sherri. Once I started talking to people about it, many had similar stories. For me, I started having anxiety or panic attacks way back when Dad first married Judith. It started with this knot in the pit of my stomach. Then when I was in college, especially law school, it got to the point that my chest hurt and I could barely breathe. I learned to do breathing exercises from a nurse at the on campus health center,” David said all of this thoughtfully. Sherri could see he was remembering the feeling.

“Whenever I feel that way, I just pray,” she says. Most of the time it works, but attending that meditation class made me wonder. Why can’t I relax for more than a few minutes, unless I am sleeping, that is,” Sherri was serious now and leaned forward while saying this.

David leaned forward, too. “Sometimes I think it is part of our nature. Just like you and I are both extreme extraverts, we also both have talkative minds!” They both laughed at this.

“So if the meditation is not working for you and the breathing is not working for you, what are you doing?” Sherri asked.

“I am a bit embarrassed by it, but I am on a med for it. At the same time, I have never felt better. So, I guess I shouldn’t be ashamed or anything. Just, especially in the law firm world where I work, I do not want people knowing about this,” David said this in a lowered voice.

“I am with you on that,” Sherri replies. “Never let them see you sweat. Hide your weakness. That has always been my motto.” She pauses for a moment. “I also noticed, during the few minutes when my mind was quiet at the class, that I seldom think about myself. Then, right after, your dad asked me how I was. He said, without talking about the family or the business, how was I. I don’t often think about that. Does that seem strange to you?”

“Not really, Sherri. You are a giver. I have a number of friends, mostly women, who are like that – so busy helping everyone else that they forget about themselves. I never thought of you that way, though. You project so much strength and confidence that I guess I didn’t think about it. Anyway, what do you think about it? That is the important thing,” David spoke all of this quickly, in a rush again as was his habit.

Sherri nods at this. “I have read so many articles that say exactly what you just said. Who takes care of the caregiver? What is behind that pillar of strength, that kind of thing. I never associated any of it with me until now.”

“You know, Sherri. I think, and it is not just me, I have read about it too… I think all the talk in my head helps me avoid thinking about things that actually bother me. For me, some of it is about how I felt abandoned by Dad when he married Judith and then, even worse, when Judith died.”

“Thank you for sharing that with me David. We were all so worried about Tony and Norah that we did not think about you,” Sherri shakes her head. It seems each day of life brings a new revelation. “How did you identify the source of the things you were avoiding?”

“Thank you for listening, Sherri. I can’t seem to get myself to talk to Dad about it,” he pauses as she nods for him to continue. “Norah started talking to me about her feelings from childhood. Then I started journaling at the suggestion of my doctor. It all started to spill out. It has not been easy, but every time I talk about it, I feel a bit better afterward.”

“I am going to try journaling again. I tried once when I was younger, but I just never had the time for it,” she laughs at this. “I was too busy avoiding myself.” The two laugh together and continue talking about lighter subjects.

As she starts the drive home, Sherri smiles broadly and thinks to herself, “Thank you, Lord! Who would have thought I would learn something new from David!”

Tune in to the MBT Blog next time to learn more about Norah, David, Tony, and Sherri as they continue their journey toward bettering their lives.

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Learning to Slow Down

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

The last shimmer from the singing bowl dissipates through the carpeted room as Sherri gathers up her thoughts and belongings after her first meditation class. Tony, a stocky man with thick, silver hair steps over offering her a hand up from the floor. “How did you get up, Tony? You’re older than me!” she says with a laugh while raising a knee from her kneeling position, grabbing hold of Tony’s hand, and pushing herself upward to standing.

“David saw me rolling around on the floor and gave me some help,” Tony says laughing. His sparkling brown eyes remind Sherri of the Tony she used to know before his wife and her best friend, Judith, passed away.

“Meditation agrees with you,” Sherri says giving him a hug. It felt so good to see him happy again. To read more about Tony and his anxiety attacks, read Stress, Anxiety and Meditation and Success! Sunshine & Clouds!, previous MBT Blog posts.

Sherri experienced her own anxiety in anticipation of this class. All of the usual fears of doing something new made her tense up. Things like wondering what it would be like, would there be anyone there who looked like her other than Norah, and would she be able to sit on the floor for the entire 60 minutes. But, her bigger worry was would Tony have some kind of break down or panic attack during the meditation. Seeing him in front of her now, relaxed and smiling, made her so glad she came.

“It does! I am feeling better than ever. Hey, would you like to come back to the house for a decaf coffee?” Tony’s face glows while making this request.

“Sure. Norah, are you leaving? Give me a hug, girl,” Sherri says making her way to where Norah stands. Sherri is so proud of the loving, sophisticated woman Norah has become. She thinks about Norah’s mother, Judith, and how proud she would be of this strong, confident young lady. They embrace and Sherri sees that Norah is also glowing. “Thank you for inviting me,” Sherri pulls at her over-sized t-shirt when she says this, feeling uncomfortable in her sweats in public.

“We try to make it here every other week. You are always welcome to join us,” Norah says. “I wish I could stay to talk, but I have an early meeting tomorrow. Are we still on for lunch next Wednesday?”

“Yes, girl. I will see you then,” Sherri barely gets the words out before she is embraced in a big hug from David. She turns to see a smile on his face, but he is not exactly beaming like his dad and half-sister. Norah’s mother, Judith, was black and David’s mother, Sarah, was white. Even so, Sherri thinks the two half-siblings resemble each other. She returns the embrace. “How you doing, David?”

“I am feeling well. I don’t slip into this meditative state as easily as Norah and Dad. I have a very hard time turning off my phone. Don’t tell them, but work is in my mind the whole time. Although, today was better. I was completely relaxed for about 15 minutes,” David says this all in a rush and runs his fingers through his thick, sandy blond hair. Sherri sees the similarity between David and Tony, too – same hair, same smile, same nervous tousling of their thick hair, and, now, same problems with anxiety and panic attacks.

David is thinking how cute Sherri is in her dress-down clothes. She is short, round and slightly heavy, possessing a commanding presence. Sporting ultra-short, elegant hair, she wears clothes beautifully and is usually dressed to perfection. He looks down from his six foot height at Sherri thinking this was the first time he has ever seen her in sweats. The woman has been part of his life for so many years, he thinks of her as an aunt, a very close aunt, the kind you will tell about your gigantic problems with anxiety.

“I know what you mean. I was thinking about one of my clients. My mind cleared for a minute or two, especially when they played that spirit music or whatever you call it. Do they play music every time?” Sherri is relieved to talk with someone who is not glowing with relaxation and spiritual enlightenment.

“Yes. I actually do not notice it very much. For me, the breathing and the calming words help the most. When things are silent, my mind wanders. I do feel better though. Do you suffer from anxiety like me and Dad, Sherri?” David is surprised at his own ability to talk about his anxiety and panic. It seems the more he does it, the easier it gets.

“I did not think I did. I let go of my troubles at church! But this experience is so different. I want to give it another try. My revelation from this experience is my mind is always working on something. When the leader said to empty your mind and heart of those things weighing on you, I felt a great relief of some kind,” Sherri looks over to where Tony and Norah are saying their goodbyes.

“Let’s go!” Tony says as he puts his arm around Sherri.

“I’m on my way. I’ll meet you there,” Sherri says and gives David one last pat. “I hope to see you here again, David.”

On the drive to Tony’s house, Sherri thinks about how strange the evening was. All of them meeting up somewhere not to talk or celebrate. There they were, wearing sweat pants and t-shirts, or, in Norah’s case, a cute workout outfit in bright yellow and purple, sitting on the floor and not talking. Sherri laughs a big throaty laugh as she drives to Tony’s house. “How bizarre. And how wonderful!” She laughs and smiles all the way to Tony’s house.

Today’s MBT Blog could be called Meditation Builds (self)Trust or Meditating Brings Tranquility, or, in Sherri’s case, meditation Maybe Beneficial Time. Sometimes bonds strengthen in the silence of shared experience. As they drive to their homes, both David and Norah think of how much closer they were now as a family. Norah remembers how scared she was a few months ago to talk frankly with her dad and half-brother about her otherness. As a bi-racial teenager without a mother, Norah often felt like an outsider in the presence of her own family. Now, she cherishes the times spent together and feels hopeful about the future.

When Tony opens the door inviting Sherri into the house, she realizes the last time she visited was soon after Judith, Tony’s wife, passed away. She feels a pang deep in her chest remembering those days. Tony stares at her with tears in his eyes.

“Were you thinking about the last time you were here, Sherri? I know I was. I have come a long way!” Tony stretches and motions Sherri to sit at the kitchen table. “Cream?”

“No, thank you. Tony, is it okay if I get right into it with you?” she asks directly.

“Of course. You would not be you if you beat around the bush,” he chuckles and sips his coffee. “What do you want to ask?”

“What happened when you went to the hospital? I mean, you had panic attacks before, so what made that time different?” Sherri pauses and waits patiently for Tony to respond. He runs his fingers through his thick, shaggy hair.

“Well, I usually would sit still and breathe a few times – when I felt the panic coming on my chest would tighten up. Sometimes, I would call my friend Sam, which I did this time. He lives pretty close. When he saw the breathing wasn’t working, he took me to the ER. It was worse this time. I could not get my breath back. So, we were afraid it was a heart attack.” Tony pauses and looks into the distance for a few seconds. “I was pretty embarrassed at the hospital. The kids came rushing in, thinking I was dying. Then, the doctor made me come clean to them and tell them I suffer from anxiety.”

“I see you. Sometimes, when no one is looking, I close myself in a room and pray, pray, pray. It usually helps me calm my mind and leave it in the hands of the creator. Sometimes, though, I need more. I cannot slow my mind down. I get overcome with worry,” Sherri pauses and looks into the distance this time. “I am not sure what I think of all of this, but I do see you are finally in a peaceful place.” She leans forward and pats Tony’s hand.

Tony looks her directly in the eye and says, “Sherri, if there is something, anything, out in the world to help us feel better, to help us heal, to help us, you know, help us live, I am grabbing on to it and sharing it with everyone I meet.” Tony covers Sherri’s hand with his own. “How are you Sherri?”

“Well, the business is going strong and Ethan just started college..” Sherri starts her reply and is quickly interrupted by Tony.

“Not the business and the kids, Sherri, how are you?” he says in a gentle, caring voice.

Now, people seldom ask Sherri how she is. This sweet gesture from Tony immediately brings tears to Sherri’s eyes. “How am I?” she replies, accentuating the last word. “I am worn out to tell you the truth, Tony.” Sherri laughs. She laughs some more until they are both laughing. They continue talking for an hour or so. “I will definitely see you at the next meditation class!” she says as she leaves the house.

The beauty of connecting shines through today’s blog story. Take a few moments to breathe and reflect on a connection you made.

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Stress, Anxiety, and Meditation

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

As someone who suffers from anxiety, I often reflect on the reasons I waited so long to acknowledge it and treat it. It was one of those areas in my life that signaled weakness. If I gave in and talked about it, I was letting them – the nebulous them, the globs of people known and unknown who might judge me – see me sweat. And in my world, letting my fragility show brought on more anxiety.

In our last blog, both David and his father, Tony, were experiencing panic attacks. Just like me, they spent most of their lives hiding the crippling manifestation of their reactions to stress. To read more about their circumstances, check out last week’s blog, Success! Sunshine and Clouds. Today’s MBT blog could be called My Buried Truth or Making Blemishes Transparent.

Today we join Norah as she meets her friend and mentor, Sherri, for coffee. Norah sips her usual latte while listening to the jazz music playing. This is her happy place. A black-owned café run by a locally famous jazz drummer and his wife, owner of a successful beauty business for more than 30 years.

Norah spies Sherri looking beautiful in an orange African print pantsuit. Her golden skin gleams against the fabric. She is wearing her signature, a large medallion necklace of gold, silver and purple.

“How are you, baby?” Sherri says kissing Norah on the cheek and squeezing her hand. “Thank you for this,” she says, holding up the mocha Norah ordered for her. “How’s your dad?”

“He didn’t have a stroke! It turns out, he has been having panic attacks for years. He just never told us. Now he and David are taking a meditation class together!” Norah says this with so much energy, Sherri feels the force of it across the table. Norah’s personality is quiet and she seldom raises her voice. “Today is momentous, indeed,” Sherri thinks.

“Now, hold on. You must back up and tell me more. Tony is meditating?” she laughs a deep, throaty laugh ending with a harumph. “This I have GOT to see!”

“Okay, I’ll tell you more of the story. I am just so excited to see the men in my life opening up. You know how men can close themselves off sometimes. I was sitting in a restaurant with David and I could see he was starting to have a panic attack. I just finished talking him through it and was driving home when I get a call from Dad’s friend, Sam, telling me to meet him at the hospital and bring David. He thought Dad was having a heart attack.

So, I rush there and meet Sam because Dad is having tests and is not in his room at the ER. Then Sam tells me Dad suffered from panic attacks his entire life! Can you believe that? Sam knew this thing about Dad and we did not have a clue. I asked Sam why Dad never got treatment for it, and he said it was because he was embarrassed about it.” Norah says all of this in a big expulsion of breath and then sits back shaking her head.

“Well, now I knew he was an absolute mess after your mother died, but now that you tell me this, it makes sense. He seemed to keep everything bottled up inside. That is how he handled things when people commented on your mom and him being an inter-racial couple. He would not talk about it. We thought he was cold or stubborn. Sounds like he was suffering silently,” now Sherri is shaking her head. The two sit together in silence for a few minutes.

“That is a lot to think about right there,” Sherri says wiping a tear away from the corner of her eye. Norah fills up with love for Sherri. The woman can be rough sometimes but underneath she is all heart.

“I feel for him,” Norah says. And now David is dealing with the same thing. We were sitting by Dad’s hospital bed when the doctor came in to give the test results. After telling us everything was fine and normal, he asked Dad if he suffered from anxiety. Dad just nodded. Then the whole secret was out. I spoke up and told the doctor that David also had a panic attack the night before. Now Dad is on a medication for anxiety and going to a meditation class. He invited David to join him and David said yes! It is all so incredible.

Here is the best part though. As we were leaving, Dad put his arm around David and said, ‘Son, let’s tackle this together. I do not want to see you suffer the way I have all these years.’ It was beautiful!” Norah sighs as she finishes and pauses to remember the moment. When she closes her eyes, she can see the two of them, the men she loves the most in her life, her family, walking arm in arm out of the hospital. A favorite moment she cherishes.

“Norah, that is an amazing experience.” Sherri stands up and moves to the other side of the table to sit next to Norah. She pulls her close in a side embrace. “Sounds like they are on their way to better times.”

Sherri is curious. “How does meditation help? I understand how controlling your breathing can help, but what else happens?”

“Meditation helps people clear their minds. I have only done it once or twice, but in Dad’s class, they play restful music and the leader talks through relaxing the body and clearing the mind. It definitely leaves me feeling calmer and clearer,” Norah says.

Then Sherri pauses, takes a breath, and says quietly, shyly, “Do you think I could call Tony and ask to join his class? I think I could benefit from a little meditation, too.”

Norah is surprised by this. “Yes, of course. I am joining them next week. Would you like me to pick you up?” They spend the rest of their coffee date planning.

Have you ever meditated? What do you do to relieve stress? Tune in next time to learn more about Tony’s meditation class.

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Success! Sunshine & Clouds

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Remember your first big business success? What did you do? How did you feel? Elated? Let down? Excited? Afraid? David, one of our main characters in this year’s MBT blog, feels all of those things and more.

As you rightly assumed from the title of today’s blog, David won the work from his first business pitch for his law firm. However, now the real work begins. The work, he discovers, requires all his skills, legal and otherwise. The legal work has barely begun and already the team, the firm, and the client are making him wonder why he wanted this.

In a last grab at enjoying the summer, David meets Norah on the patio of an Italian restaurant. The aroma of fresh basil fills the air. An intricately woven wicker gazebo covers the seating area allowing glints of sunlight to sparkle through while a soft breeze creates a warm, dreamy atmosphere.

“This place is beautiful,” Norah says after offering David a quick hug. “It seems we are celebrating something.” She smiles teasingly when saying this. David was too excited to wait for the dinner to tell her the story of his successful pitch. To read about the pitch, follow this link to Empowering Change: David’s First Pitch for New Business.

“Yes! Come on, sit down. I already ordered champagne, for real,” David was dressed in an expensive, slate gray suit, Norah noticed it immediately. And Norah, David noticed, wore a pink, silk pantsuit.

“New suit?” Norah asked.

“Yes. I splurged and bought it as soon as I won the work!” David waits for the beverages to be poured before continuing. Norah notices he thanked the waiter and made eye contact, too. “Norah, it was so exciting, and hard, too. I worked so hard to select exactly the right team for the meeting with the client. The fact that it was Paul’s company made me more nervous. You know, I did not want to do something boneheaded and embarrass him. We set our strategy and practiced what we would say in the meeting. It was thrilling!” David says this in a rush and stops to hold up his glass of champagne.

“Cheers to me and to you and to our careers and our family!” he says with enthusiasm. They clink glasses. Norah laughs as she sips her sparkling wine.

“You look different,” David says to her. “Calm? Happy? What’s going on?”

“I do? David you made the perfect toast! I am in a great place with my career and with our family,” Norah replies and leans forward. “My new position as Director of Diversity may be the best thing that ever happened to me. The CEO and I talk several times each week. The staff embraced my role and so many people come to me to talk about our culture. Even the head of HR, you know the one who was so stiff and judgmental before, speaks to me with respect now. She offers her support and gladly takes on the projects I give her.” Norah giggles as she says this.

“Seriously? I am surprised by her turnaround. Do you believe she is sincere?” David’s expression of concern comes from years of seeing the opposite from women in business. He expects non-supportive behavior and has seen the evidence of a knife in the back many times.

“I believe she is sincere. I was guarded at first. She told me how she never felt like she belonged at any job. She told me how she was isolated by being a woman executive among men and then by being the supervisor to the rest of the staff. She wants to pave the way for other women in her position. And she wants to feel like she is part of the team,” Norah says this thoughtfully.

“Okay, I’ll take your word for it,” David stops talking and looks at his phone. His face falls from happiness to deep concern. He runs his free hand through his hair and texts with the other one.

“Is something wrong?” Norah asks. His immediate change of expression worries Norah. David is usually the untroubled sort. Most obstacles seem to roll off him as he embraces optimism in most situations – unless they involve their father, Tony. He was also strangely pessimistic about her work friend, Ruth, the head of HR. “David, what is going on with you? I thought this was a celebration dinner.”

“Nothing, it is just a work thing. Order whatever you want from the menu. I’m paying. Order the bass for me and some antipasti. Whatever you want. I have to make a phone call,” David says and leaves the table.

Nearly 20 minutes later, David returns. Half a caprese salad is left on the table and the waiter is serving the entrees. “I am so sorry. I had to handle something,” David says as he sits back down. He stares off into the distance for such a long time it causes Norah to turn and look.

“What are we looking at?” she says.

“What? Oh, nothing. It’s just this staffing issue with the project I brought in. I want to use the person on my team who came to the pitch. You know, the person who actually helped win the work. But the partner supervising her says she does not have enough time to work on the project. I just talked to him,” he looks down at his phone and continues. “And the client is breathing down my neck. Our kick off meeting is planned for early next week and they want the entire team there. I have to bring this person, Wanda. The client loves her. And now, I don’t know what to do,” he stares off into space again. “I’m sorry. Let’s get back to our celebration.” He eats a bit of tomato and fresh mozzarella from the salad plate and his phone rings. He sighs, waves a finger to Norah signifying “one minute” and answers. Then he smiles. “All taken care of! Edgar jumped in and Wanda is back on the team.”

“Are you okay? I thought you were going to have a panic attack. Your face went pale and then turned red. Your eyes were doing that restless thing where they flit back and forth when the phone rang again. You look clammy,” Norah says and reaches out a hand to place on top of his. His skin is indeed damp and sticky.

David brushes some sweat from his brow and nods. “I am okay. My panic attacks are becoming more frequent, though. When I found out I won this piece of work I thought I was in the home stretch. I thought my quest for partnership was secure. Now I find out the collections won’t hit the firm until next fiscal year, so partnership is out this year. And, everyone involved is arguing. The associates are too busy or they are not busy enough. The client can’t decide on the agenda for the kickoff meeting. Partners are mad at me for using their associates. And we have not even started the work yet!”

“That sounds like a lot. Did you write a plan or a timeline for how the work will be done?” When David shakes his head “no” Norah continues. “In my experience, people act out or speak out when there is ambiguity. Write out a work plan and share it with the team and with the partners who also give work to the associates. Doing a little work at the outset will help you in the long run. Take control, David,” Norah grabs his forearm across the table as she says this.

“But there are so many unknowns in a deal like this. What if I am wrong?” David starts breathing quickly and heavily.

“David, look me in the eyes. Now expel your breath. Take a deep breath in and count to four with me. That’s good. Now let’s breathe out and count to seven.” They sit like that for a few minutes, neither eating, David wondering if he will pass out and Norah wondering if she needs to call 911.

After a few moments, David’s breathing returns to normal. “Thank you.”

“You need to see someone for these attacks. A therapist? Your doctor?” Norah suggests.

“You’re right. I talked with my GP about it over the years and she suggested I start taking an anti-anxiety med. I am going to call her tomorrow. I just never thought winning would be so stressful,” David sighs and begins to eat his dinner.

Norah shakes her head and eats silently. When dinner is over and before leaving the restaurant, Norah asks David to text her after he sees the doctor. He agrees.

David and Norah are unaware their father also suffers from intense anxiety. Home alone this same evening, Tony looks at his phone and wonders why David never called him back. He feels a flutter in his heart. A panic attack is coming on. He sighs and sits to start breathing through it.

Sometimes great success brings big expectations. The expectations can cause fear and anxiety. How will David and his dad continue to deal with stress? Tune in next time to find out.

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Dogs Ate My Blog? Clients First? All the Reasons I Did Not Write A Proper Blog This Week.

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Ok, Snowy, my shih tzu-chihuahua is right. The dogs did not eat my blog. There were many things the last two weeks keeping me from continuing the story of Norah and David and their struggles in their new jobs. In the spirit of absolute transparency, I listed them below. Tune in next week for a bonus blog in which we learn the answer to the question, “Did David win his pitch?” For background on his pitch situation, check out Empowering Change: David’s First Pitch for New Business.

The last two weeks brought much delight, happiness and hard work. I apologize for not writing the blog my readers may have expected. Here are the reasons you are reading this instead.

Sharpen the Saw.

Yes, I often quote Habit 7 from Stephen Covey’s amazing book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” in my work as a business and leadership coach. I took a glorious vacation to rest and re-align my mind, body and spirit. I galavanted, skipped, sang, swam, and enjoyed life for four magnificent days away from home, away from the dogs, in the company of family. It left me refreshed for the busy days awaiting me once I came down to earth. Consider my mind, my teeth (just took care of my dental cleaning), my saw sharpened.

Sharpen the Saw means preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have—you. It means having a balanced program for self-renewal in the four areas of your life: physical, social/emotional, mental, and spiritual.

Stephen Covey

Clients (and Future Clients) First.

The scramble of work and diving deeply into writing proposals for new work occupied much of my focus since the return to the home and my home office. Do you get that surge of electric energy when putting together a customized proposal to help solve a client’s problem? I do. I throw my entire self into getting the strategy, messaging, and solution just write. Then, I admit, I collapse for an hour or two either walking the dogs, reading, dancing, or watching television (read more about the shows preoccupying my thoughts below).

Clients needed me! I love that. There were regularly scheduled coaching sessions, extra needed laser coaching sessions, fun-sized sessions with a few former clients, and consultations with prospects. A productive whirlwind of time spent on virtual meetings, coffee meetings and sending out action items filled several of my days – and, alas, kept me from writing the newest edition to David-the-lawyer’s pitching team saga.

Additionally, after spending several hours focusing my business brain to finish an article I had been commissioned to write, the owner of the trade publication sent an email saying the venture had closed the month before. No prior warning or a quick, “Hey, don’t bother with that deadline in the contract, we stopped publishing,” kind of notice. Sigh. Frustrated sigh. Oh, well. I will repurpose that article.

The Distraction of the Olympics (ok, and Bridgerton, too).

In those moments of retreating to the living room after completing a taxing task, I succumbed to the television. The Olympics brought, and continue to bring, the greatest distraction, Greatest Of All Time, in fact. Can you really blame me for that? My husband and I cannot wait until 7 p.m. central time rolls around to immerse ourselves in the highlights.

Then, I must confess, there is Bridgerton. I watched Season Three as soon as it dropped. Binged it. I realized then that I was quite late to the whole Penelope / Colin (Polin) story line. Penelope is my favorite character and I noticed her infatuation with Colin, but many of the references in this season made me go back to rewatch seasons one and two. What were the tells to let us know that Colin may also fall for his friend? I am only partway through season two, so more for me to understand. I must say as a non-traditional body type sort of woman, I love this story line. Penelope is so beautiful and Colin so, well you know, dreamy.

That is the end of my “excuse me” and “please come back next week” sort of replacement blogging. I hope you enjoyed.

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Empowering Change: David’s First Pitch for New Business

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Leading your first pitch for business in a law firm brings many thoughts and feelings to the surface. Excitement, anxiety, pride and fear are just a few of the most basic. For David, who just recently began a journey of self-improvement, all emotions seem to clash into each other as he prepares to lead his first pitch.

David might call today’s MBT blog My Big Try or My Bungling Triathlon. In the blog post, To Speak Up or Not to Speak Up: David’s Story, our hero came to realize he received opportunities which other attorneys in his firm who were diverse – women, people of color and members of the LGBTQ+ community – did not. The unjustness of it upset him greatly, yet he was embarrassed by his own willingness to let things slide.

David’s mentor and supervisor, Edgar, suggested, “The only way to make change in a law firm is to become a rainmaker. Now it is your turn to speak up. In the moment, when you see that a diverse voice should be added to a team, talk to the team leader about it.”

Soon after his discussion with Edgar, David found himself with an opportunity to put together his own pitch team. He was thrilled at taking control of the situation himself and creating the team he wanted. His trouble today? Before now, he had no understanding of the difficulty of finding and preparing the “right team.”

Today, David is meeting with a friend who is also a lawyer at a mid-size firm. Pete is a small man, short and slight, with dark wavy hair and a bushy mustache that droops over the sides of his mouth leaving the impression of a constant frown. He does not frown so much, but his general countenance is on the serious side. He tends to inhabit groups he joins by sticking to the edges – ever present but not always noticeable. When Pete does contribute to the conversation, he drops huge insights that tend to inspire a great deal of awe. His friend circle is small yet devoted, and includes David.

When we join the two at a local bar, David is in the process of explaining his pitch team and preparation to Pete. “I can’t believe how much work this is! First, I’m getting as much information as possible from the client – who, by the way is one of my best friends, Paul. I feel like such a jerk! Paul is amazingly helpful in introducing me to the inside legal team leading this acquisition. I know what they want and my firm has it! So, now, I have a strategy that should get us the work. I have the right team – a good mix of diversity – and my ace in the hole, Edgar who is also my boss, won’t show up to the prep sessions! I am losing my mind!”

Pete quietly listens and drinks his favorite hazy IPA. He nods a few times to indicate he is listening. “Is there some kind of process you are following?”

David nods. “Yes, thank God! I got this from a friend I went to law school with. Look at it.” David shows Pete a handwritten outline. On a second page, David scribbled notes addressing the answers to each item.

Pitch Process

  1. Talk to client. What is their criteria for choosing a law firm on this project? How do they like to work with outside lawyers? Who will you meet with? What is the format for the meeting?
  2. Create the right team. Make sure it is balanced in diversity including age and experience.
  3. Create the messaging. Why would they hire you?
  4. Plan in advance who will talk about which point for discussion. Take the lead at the meeting to make sure you finish in time.
  5. Make sure you ask questions so the prospect is part of the conversation.
  6. At the end, ask for the next step.

Pete perks up after looking at the list. “Looks good! Can I have a copy of this? I have a client meeting coming up next month.”

“Yes, sure. Take a picture. But what do you think?” David asks.

Pete leans forward, folds his hands, and places them on the bar. “Managing up is always difficult. Best to avoid it whenever you can. My thought is, if you sit down and talk to Edgar about your plan, involve him in the process a bit, get his feedback, then he’ll come around. From what you have told me, Edgar is a great guy and a true mentor to you. Give him a chance to mentor you on this. Once he understands the necessity of the prep sessions, I bet he’ll come through. He may even give a rousing speech to the rest of the team about how he trusts you and all of them to work hard on the pitch and the project when you win it.”

“You are brilliant!” David exclaims. Then says in a more subdued tone, “I should know this by now. Talk to Edgar and lay it all out. And the rest of the team seems to need support from him. I will tell him that, too. You know who works the hardest on this, other than me? The two associates! ” David scribbles more notes and waves to the bartender. “Thank you, Pete. Let me buy you another beer.”

David likes to work hard and then he enjoys celebrating. As he continues hanging with Pete, his mind fills with images of the celebration he plans to throw when the team wins the work. A big barbecue at his house or a special dinner at a fancy restaurant. He absolutely believes with Edgar’s help, his team is the best one for the job.

As he drives home that night, David thinks about the team. It took a good deal of effort to decide who was the right fit. He ended with two associates, Edgard, and himself. He must have spoken to, practically interviewed, 12 people until he hit upon the right group. Then, he had to tell some people that they were not chosen. Those conversations made him squeamish.

He was honest and transparent with each person. He explained to them his plan for the pitch, what the client expected, how the client would judge the team, and how each would be rewarded for their time investment. Some attorneys refused to participate in the preparation and planning. Even if their experience was perfect, he opted for only people who agreed to make the commitment.

As a result, each team member brings specific traits and skills enhancing the team’s capabilities and strengthening the chances of winning. Edgar is the sage, distinguished leader. He brings experience and diplomacy to the group. Tristan, a mid-level associate, brings stories of projects with a slant toward the day-to-day snafus and insights. He makes it real and detailed. A perfect match for one of the client’s team who is expected to ask a slew of questions about the nitty gritty. Wanda, a senior associate, is an eloquent speaker who rouses and inspires everywhere she goes. She could make reading a cereal box fun and motivating. And, all of them are likeable and great lawyers, too.

Tune in next time to find out how the pitch goes and whether David’s team wins.

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No Agenda? Nothing in the Subject Line? Give Me Some Clue About Why We Are Meeting!

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Have you ever had that experience at work when you dread a meeting primarily because there is no agenda and no subject listed in the invitation? Norah felt compelled to accept such an invitation from Ruth, the head of HR, because, well, Ruth is the head of HR. Ruth listed a location for this hour-long meeting, a coffee shop near the office, but no reason for the meeting.

Norah tried to shake off the pins and needles creeping down her arms as she waited at a table quietly sipping her non-fat latte. “What does Ruth want to talk about,” she thought as her hands grew sweaty and numb.
To read past conversations with Ruth and Norah, check out our previous blog posts including “Conversations, Conclusions, and Freedom” at https://mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com/blog/

What does the MBT stand for in today’s blog? From Norah’s viewpoint, it could be My Brain Trauma or Me Being Tentative. From Ruth’s perspective it could be… Ruth would never bother with the initials. Not caring about their order, she thought something like Turnaround My Beliefs or Teach Me Belonging. In any case, the pair begin their conversation in entirely different places. Ruth filled with excitement; and Norah filled with dread.

Ruth walked hurriedly into the café wearing her customary navy blue suit and matching shoes, however, the outfit was brightened by an orange and green hued, patterned scarf resting around her neck and held in place by a large gold, circular clasp. She waved a hand at Norah and smiled the biggest smile Norah had ever seen on Ruth. “What is up?” Norah wondered taking in the bright scarf and smile and waving back.

“Thank you so much for meeting with me,” Ruth practically gushed with breathlessness. “I see you already have your coffee. Let me go up and order. I’ll be right back.” She flew to the register before Norah could even utter a hello.

Norah was confused and a bit suspicious by the sudden change in Ruth’s attitude toward her. She expected Ruth to be reserved, even severe, and a bit condescending. She expected Ruth to be busy with “other things” implying higher level things, things to which Norah was not privy. Things that made Ruth “superior.” Now, here she was waving, smiling, and gushing. What indeed was going on?

Ruth hurried back to the table with her black coffee. She sat down and smoothed her carefully coiffed, sandy brown bob. She took a sip of her coffee, sighed, and then jumped in, “How are you doing? How was your trip to gain your DEIB certification? How is the job going?”

Norah looked up, startled. Her dark brown eyes met Ruth’s eager green eyes. “She has green eyes?” Norah thought. Norah took a deep breath, paused, then said softly, “It all happened so quickly; it is kind of a blur. The instructors were wonderful. They offered so much insight. I will need a minute to think it all through. Did you want me to prepare a report?” Norah probed for some clue as to the purpose of this coffee.

Ruth reached across and patted Norah’s hand causing Norah to jump very slightly. It seemed like a quick flinch of her hand and Ruth felt it. “Oh, I’m sorry. It was presumptuous of me to reach out like that. It’s just that,” Ruth paused and looked at the table as if searching for words, “I’m so excited about this role you have taken on. I am grateful to you, Norah, for shining a light on the tension so many of us feel at work.”

“So many of us?” Norah thought. How is it possible that this white woman compares her situation to that of the people of color in their organization? “Thank you, Ruth,” Norah said this haltingly. Her stiffness had spread to her vocal chords.

They both paused and stared at each other. “Oh, I am making a mess of this, I see.” Ruth shook her head from side to side a few times. “Can I be completely transparent with you?” she asked and, when Norah nodded, she went on. “When you first came to my office with your list and your observations, I was completely closed off to what you were saying. I apologize for that. In my mind, I just wanted to make it go away, so I offered you that position as director of diversity. I really did not think Tom would approve it. When he did approve it and so enthusiastically, it got me thinking about my career. I realized, I also had never felt comfortable at work. And, I realized, when the issue of diversity came up, I always looked the other way.” Ruth paused. Norah seemed to be in a state of shock and paralysis. Ruth took a deep breath, “I’m sorry. I’m rushing this. It’s just that I realized you are this bright, shining light illuminating our organization with integrity and wisdom. “

Norah felt suffocated. She also took a breath. Then, the impact of Ruth’s words hit her. “Wow! This is not a conversation I prepared myself for,” she said out loud.

“Prepared yourself? Why would you need to prepare yourself?” Ruth replied. Her green eyes clouded slightly and her smile drooped away.

“Ruth, you are the head of HR,” Norah said this very pointedly. “The last time we spoke, you seemed to not be very happy with me. I thought I was going to be fired today.”

“Oh, my! Don’t be silly. I didn’t think about this. I am so sorry,” Ruth said. Her hair suddenly seemed to fall out of place with her realization. She tucked a piece of it behind her ears. “I never thought about that. I invited you out because I wanted to join your inclusion committee and ask you to mentor me.”

“Really?” Norah paused a moment. Well, if Ruth wanted to be mentored, here was a chance to start. “Okay, let’s start with adding a note to a meeting or something in the subject line to give a person a clue about why you are meeting. That would have saved me a mountain of anxiety. Ruth, you are the Director of HR. An unsolicited meeting with you and no stated purpose can be scary to the person receiving the invite.” Norah said this in a conversational tone. Norah seldom raised her voice. And Ruth found the tone comforting.

“You are right! See how much I can learn from you?” she replied.

“And then, she just kept talking to me and asking me questions. It was bizarre,” Norah is filling her friend and mentor Sherri in on the conversation with Ruth. They are at their favorite café sipping tea.

Sherri rubs her hand over her closely-cropped white hair. She dyed it recently. “Now I have heard everything, girl!” she says shaking her head. “It’s like Bizarro World in the comics. How does she want you to mentor her?”

Norah sips her basil and lemon tea. “She wants to learn everything. It is similar to the work I am doing with my dad but in the workplace. She wants to understand, but her motivation is not focused on helping me, specifically. She wants to learn to create an environment so other people will not feel alienated the way she has her entire career. Maybe she needs a reading list, too.” As Norah’s voice became quieter, Sherri could visibly see her friend detaching from their conversation and moving into her mind. Norah’s eyes unfocused and looked around the room. Her body became very still.

“Come on, now! Before you go ahead solving problems for this woman, let me ask you – do you trust her?” Sherri’s concern for Norah was bubbling to the surface. Warning lights went off at the start of this conversation for Sherri. She did not want this young woman to become part of the older woman’s agenda.

“I don’t know.” Norah sat back in the café booth with a whoosh. She was confused. “I want to help. I am looking for what place Ruth has in my new role. What is my responsibility versus what will people like Ruth want me to do? And, even though I report to the CEO, Tom, how important is Ruth’s feedback in evaluating my performance and, ultimately, impacting my financial position?”

“That’s it! Start with equity of salary. Is it equitable and inclusive for you to take on an additional director position with no change in pay? If she really wants to learn, she ought to start there!” Sherri was starting to simmer now. She was trying to hold herself in check before she boiled over.

“You definitely have something there,” Norah nodded. The clouds in her head were clearing and a vision was forming. “This is about many things, starting with boundaries. And, if I am mentoring Ruth, what is she offering in return? I can assign her some work for the committee. I could have her find speakers for us to welcome into the organization to help raise everyone’s awareness. Because, it is clear to me from my training, the first thing I have to do is talk to people. No, I have to listen to people. I can’t make assumptions that everyone is having the same experience as me or Ruth.”

Sherri stared at Norah grinning. “This job is good for you, baby girl. I can see a new confidence in you.”

“Thank you, Sherri. The other positive thing about my training is I now have friends who are doing what I am doing. I am going to reach out and talk to them about creating a structure for moving forward,” Norah beamed. In her mind, she saw herself flying away from the table, over the clouds, diving low into a lavender field, and her hair and skin leaving streaks of sparkles behind her.

What do you think? Was Norah right in sharing with Ruth the angst an empty subject line and lack of agenda create? Would you have done the same thing? Have you seen others in the workplace who are unaware of the power their position holds? It is curious.

Is Ruth sincere in her attempt to learn from Norah and to become more inclusive? Only time will tell. Let’s hope our heroine, Norah, proceeds with caution and an open mind. Is that a possible combination? Tune in next time, July 25, for the answers.

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Conversations, Conclusions, and Freedom

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

We are halfway through the year and I wonder what conclusions our friends have drawn from all the conversations they had so far? Sometimes they naturally opened up in conversations depending on who sat across the table, desk, or couch from them. Sometimes speaking the truth proved especially difficult. Sometimes they avoided speaking altogether.

The MBT for today’s blog could stand for Much Better Today or Movement Begins through Talk. Let’s drop in and listen to the results our friends experienced so far.

Tony

Tony thought about his daughter Norah during his daily walk. He smiled as he remembered their latest time together.

The kids stopped by for Sunday coffee. Norah beamed with pride as she set the table with African donuts, Mendazi, she had purchased. She animatedly explained the history to Tony and her half-brother David. The pastry tasted delicious to Tony, but the happiness and excitement from his daughter fed his heart and his soul.

During his first conversation with the kids about their childhood, Tony felt so afraid of being admonished he actually left the house. He is so glad now that he came back and faced them. It was the best decision of his life other than marrying Norah’s mother, Judith.

He smiled while he walked. Then he remembered that David also wanted to talk about his childhood. That conversation had not happened. Tony decided to call David and remind him, too. Excitement bubbled up for him. He felt ready to face whatever David had to say in order to help them all become a happier family.

David

David was frustrated. Frustrated with himself, his firm, and his life. After talking with his friend, Paul, he experienced a great boldness and arranged to talk to his mentor at work, Edgar, about the lack of diversity on pitch teams.

Edgar shared a story or two of his often lonely ride to the top. “The only way to make change in a law firm is to become a rainmaker,” he said. And that is what Edgar had done. “I appreciate your awareness, David. Now it is your turn to speak up. In the moment, when you see that a diverse voice should be added to a team, talk to the team leader about it.”

David had agreed with Edgar. Yet, when the opportunity presented itself – literally the next day he was invited to a pitch for business and every single attorney attending was a white man like him – he stayed silent. Afraid he would lose the opportunity if he said anything.

He sighed. Now his dad was calling and wanted to talk to him. He was giving David the opportunity to talk about his childhood. David just did not want to talk about it. He felt weary.

On the positive side of things, he saw Norah was happier than ever. He took out his journal and decided to write about his feelings.

Norah

As Norah left the office of the CEO of her organization, she sighed and smiled. Surprise! They actually were committed to change for the better. The CEO, Tom, wanted Norah to focus on inclusion rather than diversity in her new role. He greenlighted the expense for her to gain a certification in DEIB (Diversity Equity Inclusion and Belonging). Her trip and the week-long studies began in less than a week.

Norah sat down at her simple desk in her simple office and took out her journal. When choosing the journal, she looked for a cover that represented how she felt. The picture of a dreamy black woman with full afro adorned with sparkling gems of blue, green, aqua, and ice-blue drew her attention each time she picked the book up. At first, she dreamed of becoming the woman on the cover. She imagined herself flying through the clouds, floating above rain storms, and diving down to skim fields of sunflowers, tulips, and lavender.

Now, Norah felt free! She was becoming the woman on the cover of her journal. Gratitude for her own courage in facing her fears and speaking up for herself engulfed her. Now, to pack!

Ruth

Ruth felt a prickly heat on her face when she left the CEO’s office. Tom had thanked her for bringing Norah to his attention. The truth was, Ruth thought she had brushed aside the problems Norah discussed with her – about not belonging – by suggesting Norah become the first director of diversity for the non-profit. Tom’s enthusiastic response completely surprised her.

“Where is this prickly heat coming from?” she thought once she sat safely behind her mahogany desk. She knew it was envy mixed with admiration. Norah showed courage Ruth never felt at work. Courage to speak up. Courage to talk about her own feelings. Courage to criticize.

There were so many times when Ruth felt like Norah. Now, as the employees under her direction as the head of human resources grew younger and younger, she felt less comfortable. She often ate lunch alone. She heard others – other directors, others who where part of her department – talk about going out for coffee together or attending each other’s parties. She was never invited.

She remembered years as the only woman in upper management. She realized most of her career carried loneliness with it. She decided to do something about. Tomorrow she would ask Norah for a place on the new diversity committee.

What’s Next?

What will the next six months bring for our friends? I am excited to see what happens. Tune in next time and find out.

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To Speak Up or Not to Speak Up: David’s Story

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Six months flew past since David joined his new law firm as an Of Counsel. His contract reflected a promotion to partner after one year if he met a list of criteria based on developing business.

The list included items such as:

  • Demonstrate ability to cross-sell services.
  • Work with the team to develop a target list.
  • Participate in pitches for new business.
  • Attend events and trade shows to develop new business.

No metrics existed around developing business. David knew how many hours of work he had to bill to get a bonus but was unsure how business he developed would be measured. When he signed on, he liked the ambiguity in the contract thinking he could spin it to his advantage. Now, he was absolutely sure he could advocate for himself and probably come out on top.

So, why was he so glum? His workload was heavy with interesting projects. He knew his hours were higher than most attorneys in his position. What weighed him down? He noticed unfair practices happening at the firm and he did not know what to do about it. David might name today’s MBT blog, My Birthright Triumphs, or Massively Beneficial to yours Truly.

David saw it so plainly; he had the advantage. Each day of witnessing the differences in how people were treated caused David’s anger to grow. He felt like he might explode with it.

from MBT Blog

During the past few months as David he learned more about his half-sister’s life as a woman of mixed race, he started to see things differently. Norah had given their father, a self-proclaimed Sicilian American, a list of movies to watch and books to read to better understand her experiences in life. David, ever supportive of Norah, invested in reading and watching, too. He easily surpassed their dad in the volume of materials he consumed. (To read more about David, Norah, and their dad, Tony, read the last few MBT Blogs here.)

The revelation smacked him between the eyes as he encountered indisputable evidence of the lack of fairness in his daily life. David was invited to most of the pitches for new business that involved his area of practice. He was thrilled about it just a few months ago. Now, he noticed the lack of diversity on those pitch teams. A woman partner was invited to participate only once. Even though their were six senior-level associates or of counsel attorneys who were BIPOC (Biracial People of Color), none of them were offered the opportunity to participate in a client meeting.

David saw it so plainly; he had the advantage. Each day of witnessing the differences in how people were treated caused David’s anger to grow. He felt like he might explode with it.

David tended to be a good talker. He thought out loud and was often labeled as a big extrovert. Recently, he realized most of his relationships were superficial. He talked about specific projects at work; he talked about sports and music with his friends; he recently learned to listen well to other people’s problems. He seldom discussed his own feelings.

Without acknowledging this discovery to others, David began slowly opening himself to this foreign world of sharing deep experiences. He thoughtfully chose a friend to meet and planned ahead to present him with a problem and ask for advice. Then he chose another friend and did the same. He found the more often he confided in someone, the easier it became. A small part of him, somewhere in his solar plexus, still felt a twinge on these occasions, but the pain lessened each time he ventured out.

Today, we find him back at the café. meeting with his friend, Paul. Paul is tall, 6′ 2″, with blond wavy hair and a scruffy beard a shade darker than his hair. The whiskers are short enough to remain professional looking and long enough to indicate his workplace is pretty liberal when it comes to dress. A software developer, he wears blue jeans and polo shirts every day. A few years ago, Paul’s brother died in a car crash. David was there for him then. Always a good friend who helped when times were tough.

“A coffee date? Are we going to talk business? Do you want to pitch your lawyerly services to me?” Paul says with a grin.

“No, no. That’s a good idea, though. How can you be tan already? It’s only June,” David notices Paul’s golden tan.

“I hit the beach every time the temperature rises above 60 degrees. And the gardening. The weather has been great this year. Really, though. What’s going on? Why are we meeting for coffee? We’re going to the axe-throwing bar with Pete and Colin on Friday. What’s up?”

“Well, Paul, I am struggling with something at work. I need your advice,” David says this slowly. This situation is still so new to him. He usually gives advice. He is a lawyer and is used to having the answers.

“Wow! You are asking me for advice? It must be a big problem. Or maybe one that requires more emotional intelligence on your part…oops, sorry.” Paul laughs after roasting David about his lack of emotion. David is used to it. His friends sometimes call him Robot Man to dig at him.

“That’s okay, Paul. I know I often dive right into conversations without reading the room to look for the impact I make. I’ve been working on becoming more aware,” David rustles his hands through his hair nervously as he says this. He feels so stupid.

“Good for you, man. That is something to celebrate,” Paul raises his paper coffee cup to toast his friend. “To David, the soon-to-be actual perfect man! Smart, successful, soon-to-be rich partner in a law firm, and sensitive to!” They both laugh as they clink their paper cups. “What’s the trouble?” Paul stares at David with intent blue eyes shining out of his golden, brown face.

David squirms in his seat. “Why am I so nervous?” he thinks. “Maybe I should ask something else. Maybe Paul is not the right person to ask about this.” He pauses for so long it causes Paul to clear his throat a few times.

“C’mon, tell me what’s happening!”

“Okay. You know my sister, Norah’s mom was African American right?”

“Yes. I believe I know that and, having met Norah several times over the years, I realize that she is biracial,” Paul says this and pauses.

“Good!” David thinks. Paul seems perfectly comfortable talking about David’s family. David deems it safe to continue the conversation. “Well, my dad and I have been learning more about Norah’s experience in life as an African American woman. It seems the more I learn, the more I see injustice all around me. Particularly at work. I think I need to do something about it, but I don’t know what to do.”

Paul sits back in his seat. “I am blown away! What specifically are you noticing?”

“Well, the partners really embraced me as soon as I started at the firm. It’s like I’m being fast-tracked or something. I have plenty of work, they involve me in pitches and strategy sessions for developing business. I get invited to dinners with clients. It has been really great! Especially compared to my last firm where I was one of 100 associates. There I felt like a bug on the carpet – could be stepped on at any second. Here, it’s like I’m a king,” David gestures with both hands, looking more Italian than usual, as he says this. Then he pulls his hands back together and makes a teepee with his fingers.

“I should be ecstatic about my future, right? Except when I look around at the meetings, all of us are white guys. When I look at the needs-work list – the firm sends out this list every week and people add their names to it if they are looking for work – the majority of the names on the list are the women attorneys and the BIPOC attorneys.” David whispers this comment and looks around the café to be sure no one from the firm is there.

“That bites, man,” Paul says. “We had a similar problem in my job, not where I’m working now, but the last place. We don’t have to generate business in my work, but the few women developers at that company did not receive the high-profile projects. And, there were only two women in the whole company. Management there said there aren’t enough women software developers to hire, so they couldn’t get them. It’s true, the numbers are lower, but why would a woman stay there when she’s not getting the best work to do? That is one of the reasons I left the place.”

“Really! I didn’t know. I assumed it was about money,” David’s surprise showed in his face. The conversation felt more comfortable now.

“Money was a factor. But I was recruited out of there. The place I work now has a true commitment to equity. They recruit people of color and women, and go directly to the high schools giving scholarships to kids who show an interest. They are invested in fixing the problem. And, they tell me their strategy is working!” Paul says all of this in an enthusiastic rush. His face beams. His eyes glow. David thinks, “I want to feel like that about my job.” Then he says it out loud.

“I want to be enthusiastic like you about my job! Should I just look for a different firm? I can’t imagine my workplace instituting everything you mention,” David sinks back in his seat feeling defeated.

“I have a few suggestions for you,” Paul says. “Do you want to hear them?”

“Yes, yes, please!”

“Okay. First, talk to your boss. Isn’t he your mentor and isn’t he African American? How did he succeed and is he aware of the lack of diversity on the teams? Are you with me?” Paul asks very intently. He is so happy David asked for his advice.

“Yes, his name is Edgar. Let me get a pen and notepad. I’m going to write this down,” David rummages through his briefcase, pulls out the needed implements, and begins writing. “I can do that. It’s like I needed you to give me permission to talk to my boss.” David shakes his head wondering at how simple it now became. He just needed that validation.

“Next. Are you friends with these other people at the firm? The women partners and the associates you mentioned?”

“Some. Not all. I have not actually reached out to them. That’s on me. Shame on me!” David feels so guilty about this. Why didn’t he reach out to them? “Some of them are not in my office…that’s true.”

“Alright. Well, fix that now. Start getting to know them. Reach out. Ask them about their business. Just see where it goes. I guess I am saying invest in their friendships. You do not have to do everything at once,” Paul sits back now.

“Is that all you got?” David asks.

“Well, just get started and let me know what happens. I am especially curious to hear what Edgar has to say. He is very successful. I wonder how he managed being in that environment,” Paul said.

The two pull out their phones to plan their next coffee.

How will Edgar react when David talks to him about the lack of diversity on teams? Will David talk to Norah about his plan of action? Norah had just decided to take on the Director of Diversity position at her organization. What is next for our two heroes? Join us next time at the MBT Blog and find out.

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Navigating Workplace Challenges: Norah’s Journey to Director of Diversity

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

The last few MBT Blogs focused on preparation for a conversation in the personal lives of our main characters, Norah and David. Last time, we listened in to discover that while three people participated in the same conversation, each interpreted the meaning of what was said differently. To catch up, take a look at Lessons Learned: Reflect Before Moving Forward.

In today’s blog, we find Norah returning her focus to an obstacle at work. She is meeting with her friend and mentor, Sherri, to revisit the advice she received from the adviser several months ago. Thinking about MBT, Norah could nickname this reflection More Bull-oney Tricks, or Morons aBound Throughout my workplace.

Both ladies are beautifully dressed in bright colors today. Sherri wearing her signature orange while Norah opts for a lively African print in purples and yellows. We find them sipping their coffee, sharing a delicious slice of cinnamon streusel coffee cake, and talking animatedly about all the things happening in their lives. From a distance, we see the genuine love sparkling from their radiant faces. They sit next to each other on the bench behind the table in the café leaning forward to hear each other’s remarks over the din in the coffee shop.

“Of course they did! You bring them a problem they do not want to know about and they will make you the solution!” Sherri exclaims, laughing. Norah just told her about her conversation with the head of HR regarding a lack of diversity in the organization.

Norah prepared well for the conversation with Ruth, Chief HR Officer for the non-profit organization. She wrote down three bullet points to address:

  1. I am the only person of color in this organization holding the title of director and above.
  2. On my first day here, and since then, no one reached out to get to know me. In most organizations, a management-level person or colleague takes the new employee out to lunch.
  3. After six months working here, I noticed there was no support for diversity. Not even an email recognizing Black History Month.

Ruth listened calmly to Norah’s list of observations. At first, she said nothing. Her expression, a stiff smile that did not reach her eyes, never changed. Ruth was a white woman in her mid-50s with beautiful translucent, peach-colored skin and soft brown hair worn in a shoulder-length bob. Her nails were impeccably groomed into French tips. She dressed demurely in black or navy suits and white blouses each day. She wore black or navy pumps matching the color of her suits.

“We didn’t send out an e-mail about Black History Month? Hmmm. That should come from Sally, our internal communications person. I am sorry about the lunch mix up on your first day. Someone should have taken you out,” Ruth stated this slowly looking past Norah rather than at her. Then she paused.

Norah usually felt at ease in silence because she liked to pause and think before speaking. This void, however, proved very uncomfortable for her. She shifted in her seat, crossed her legs, smoothed the fabric of her dress, and then replied, “Thank you for the apology. The situation persists, though. Since then, no one on the management team has reached out to me. I feel terribly isolated here. I did begin requesting coffee meetings with each person at my level, and have met with most of them now.”

“Well, there you go. Great initiative, Norah!” Ruth, lifting her arm when she said this, gave Norah an “atta boy!” gesture making a fist and swinging it in front of her. “Was there something else?”

“Yes, actually, I wondered what you are going to do about this,” Norah replied. She was puzzled by Ruth’s lack of interest in her situation.

“I am trying to understand, dear. What do you want me to do?” Ruth said this softly. Norah found it to be condescending at best.

“What I am saying is I do not feel welcomed here. You could adjust the onboarding process to make it more inclusive. You could create a strategy to recruit more people of color so that this organization was more diverse. You could implement a process or committee to acknowledge diversity. There are many things you could do. Is this organization interested in diversity? I accepted this position partly because the mission is devoted to supporting underserved communities,” Norah was surprised at herself. She had practically made a speech. She felt anger and sadness rising in her. Why did she have to tell the Chief of HR all of this?

Ruth paused for a few seconds. She took a deep breath and then blurted out, “You should be our Director of Diversity. You have so many ideas about what we should be doing, now you can implement them. That’s it! I will talk to the CEO and let you know when it is official. Now, I have to sprint to my next meeting. Take care, Norah,” and she stood up gathering her notebook. Norah stood up slowly and followed Ruth out of the office.

“And, now all of this is my responsibility!” Norah says this to Sherri rather loudly at the café.

Sherri is still laughing. “Well, what are you going to do? Accept this new role? Are you still Director of Relationships?”

“I don’t know! I am waiting to hear back from Ruth’s meeting with the CEO. This feels like the conversation with my father. I have to draw them a map to lead them to the page I am on,” Norah gestures with her finger as if drawing a map on a napkin.

“Yes, but in that case, you had a personal interest. Your relationship with your dad. This time, you need to decide whether this new position would be worth your time. You could impact a larger number of people this way, Norah. You could reach out to other directors of diversity and find out what they are doing. The possibilities are endless. It’s just a matter of what you want,” Sherri replies.

“Right. Or, I can just walk away from it. I can say, I see the problem and brought it to your attention, now it’s your job to fix it. It’s true, maybe they should hire a director of diversity,” Norah’s speech slows down and trails off while she thinks about how to react.

“On another subject, how is it going with your father?” Sherri asks.

Norah raises her face and shakes her head as if clearing her mind of thoughts of work. “He is willing to try,” she says donning a pained grimace. “He watched ’13th’ and was moved to tears at how ‘the images of African Americans in chains mirrored our treatment during slavery,’ he said. I suggested he watch all Ava DuVernay’s movies as a good starting place. And, we are planning a trip to Washington, D.C. to experience the National Museum of African American History and Culture together. I also suggested, you know because you helped me write the list, he read the book ‘White Fragility’ by Dr. Robin D’Angelo.”

“That is progress! He is committed to you, my girl! Congratulations,” Sherri says this with a broad smile revealing her gleaming, white teeth.

“Maybe, yes, I don’t know. He shies away from the reading and he watched one movie. I am getting kind of tired of all of this,” she sighs.

“Keep at it, girl. I believe it will pay off. Now what?” Sherri notices Norah stopping to look at her email.

“Ruth talked to the CEO and they want me to become their Director of Diversity. She says it is in addition to my current roll. It is meant to be ‘a side thing, like heading an internal committee’ according to the email,” Norah holds the phone out to Sherri to read the email.

“That means lots of work and no extra pay. You up for this?” she asks.

“I just decided to do it! I have to go. I will see you soon. Thank you for your help, Sherri,” Norah hugs her friend and sprints out the door.

How would you react? Has this situation happened to you? What boundaries did you put in place and then enforce? Often, businesses hand out these kinds of roles with very few parameters around authority, process, budget, or metrics for success.

Tune in next time, June 13, to find out how Norah handles both this new position at work and her ongoing education of her father.

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Lessons Learned: Reflect Before Moving Forward

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Today’s blog is all about reflection. In our last MBT Blog, Conversation Time: The Beginning, our heroes Norah and David began talking to their dad about some troubling events from their childhood. After the conversation and agreeing they would meet weekly to continue to talk, each went off to discuss the event further with others in their lives.

Conversational Intelligence® teaches us that conversations are more than just the words spoken among people. While one person is speaking words very carefully chosen to communicate, the person listening layers those words with their own experiences. Put more plainly, people do not always hear what you are saying. Their brain, emotions, and past experiences jump into action to interpret the meaning. If you have ever been a speaker, you know it often takes multiple tries to convey a message to the audience. That is why presenters are taught to tell you what they are going to say, say it, and then tell you what they said.

Words carry baggage; they are rarely neutral. Words carry a history of years of use. Each time another experience overlays another meaning, and it all gets collected somewhere in our brain – ‘the vault’ – it’s there, ready to be activated during a conversation.

Judith e. glaser, The CreatingWE® Institute

Tony, David, and Norah each came away from their conversation with a different interpretation of what was said. For Tony, today’s blog could be called Mystifying Bewildering Turmoil. David felt unsuccessful and angry after the conversation. He might suggest Mediocre Bogus Talk. And Norah who initially felt triumphant is less satisfied now upon reflection. She could call the MBT Blog Maybe Beyond Trying.

Let’s drop in on Tony and Sam.
Sam and Tony met during their college years. They worked together directly after college, live in the same city, and meet for coffee or a drink once or twice every month. Sam is up to speed on the situation and the conversation with Norah and David, because Tony called him the minute the kids left the house. Tony was having a panic attack at the time and Sam helped him through it. On this occasion, Tony wastes no time with small talk. He dives straight into his reaction to the conversation with his kids.

“It was like an attack! The tried to hide their true feelings under some concern for me, but it was obvious to me from the start they wanted to massacre me! You know, Sam. I barely remember what happened during that time after Judith died. I was in a cloud of grief. And now, we have to live it all over again? Why put everybody through that pain again? You know? Who needs that!” Tony’s speech was rambling and Sam waited for him to pause before commenting.

“What did the kids say?” he asked.

“What do you mean what did they say? I told you that on the phone,” Tony replied with clear bewilderment in his voice.

“What did they say about why they wanted to talk about it? I don’t think they want to massacre you, Tony. What was their reason for taking the time to talk to you?” Sam said this patiently. He was there for Tony when Judith died and remembers the complete despair. Tony could barely take care of himself. Those around him pitched in to help. Even his ex-wife, Sarah, David’s mom, helped out.

“Well, David said Norah is having trouble at work because of unresolved feelings from back then. Norah got very angry and raised her voice. She has never done that before. It was a mess! Then they both said something nice, though. The thing I remember most, other than feeling like I had been attacked, was that they want to see more of me. Be a real family, they said. That was good, but I don’t know if I have time for that,” Tony’s voice trailed off as if he was thinking about something.

“Not have time? You’re retired, you fool! I wish my kids wanted to spend more time with me. They all moved away. I see them twice a year!”

“Right. I am very busy, though.” When Tony went silent, Sam wondered what this was really about.

“What’s going on with you. Come on, out with it. What are you avoiding?” Sam prompted.

“Norah says she wants me to learn more about her culture. She said I ignored it when people stared at us – Judith, her and me – when she was a kid. She thinks I am uncomfortable in public with her because she looks black,” Tony stood up from the kitchen table (did I note they were drinking coffee at the table?) and looked out the window.

“And, there it is. I’m sure you remember that Judith told you something similar. You loved her and married her, but you ignored the reactions directed at you from strangers,” he said.

“Strangers? My own family turned their backs on us! I admit it! It makes me uncomfortable! I want to punch someone in the face, so I just ignore it.” Tony paced the floor now incensed as he remembered. “What am I supposed to do with all of this anger? Let the kids see it? I don’t want to be a raving maniac in front of them now any more than I did back then. My mind is full of shoulda, coulda, woulda as it is. I try not to think about it, because If I have to think about it, I might explode!”

Sam sighed. “You need to keep talking, Tony. Get this all out here with me. Then you can be in the right place to tell the kids. Let them know you were angry. Come on. Keep talking.” Tony and Sam spent the day together talking, walking, and eating until Tony felt ready for the next conversation with the kids in a few days.

David & Who?
The more David thought about the conversation with his dad, the more he felt Tony’s response was a complete sham. Any emotion Tony showed, David saw as acting and false. He believed now, more than ever, that his dad was a jerk who only cared about himself.

Who could David talk to about his feelings? When it came to personal problems, he talked to Norah. He felt weird about talking to his mentor at work, Edgar. He thought it would be unprofessional. When it came to his friends, he seldom talked about real life. They shared information about sports and their jobs, sure. He thought about each friend trying to determine who would be most likely to listen and offer advice. During this exercise, he realized his friends talked to him about their wives, parents, and struggles. He was the one who kept himself hidden. Why?

David remembered encouraging Norah to write things down to help her recognize her achievements. He grabbed a legal pad from his desk at work, walked down to the lake which was near his office, sat on a rock, and started writing. Hopefully, this would bring him some answers.

Norah & Aunt Gladys
“Aunt Gladys, did my dad ask you to take me in after my mother died? I never understood how all that happened. All of a sudden, you were picking me up and someone had packed my suitcase. You were the person who told me my mom had died. I am so confused by all of it,” Norah said. She was seated in her Aunt Gladys’ kitchen. The best feature of the simple, small room was the large window looking out on the back yard. Aunt Gladys had placed a bird feeder there with suction cups so she could watch them up close while she drank her coffee.

Norah’s aunt was the epitome of kindness and yet forged from iron. Her strength pushed Norah back into life after the death of her mother. She pulled Norah out of bed every morning and forced her to dress for school. “Make me and your mama proud, baby,” she said each day as she dropped the grief-stricken girl off in the morning. After school, as soon as she slid into the car, Aunt Gladys asked Norah, “Now what did you do today to make us proud?” The pressure to perform was there, but Norah rose to the occasion. It took her out of herself and into the competition, whatever it might be.

Today, Norah munched on a chocolate chip cookie while sitting at the table drinking strong, black coffee. Aunt Gladys never had cream in the house. “If I am going to drink coffee, I am going to drink coffee,” she said often. Norah needed more information to understand her next steps in her relationship with her dad.

“I offered, Norah. Tony was in terrible shape. He never believed Judith would die. He skipped around full of brightness while she was ill. He was all optimism. Judith tried to talk to him about the future, the future without her. But he would not let her. So, when Norah’s friend Sherri and I visited her, we created the plan. Sherri reached out to David’s mom, and I created a home here for you. Your father’s friend, Sam, was the one talking to your father and moving him toward living again,” She wiped a tear as she said this. “You want more coffee?”

“No, Aunt Gladys, I’m fine,” Norah said and then shared with Aunt Gladys the details of the conversation with Tony.

“That took some strength, girl,” Aunt Gladys squeezed Norah’s hand across the table. “Now, what specifically do you want your dad to do? I mean, how does he learn your culture? What are the steps?”

“What do you mean? Do I have to figure that out for him?” Norah was taken aback. Why was this situation still her problem. “Is it my job to educate my own father on what it means to be black and biracial in America? All he needs to do is turn on the news!”

“Yes, I agree. And, this is your father we are talking about. He is the kind of person who needs to know the rules so he can follow them. Throw him a bone, girl. Bring him a book or a list or whatever to show him how to start this process. You do not have to teach everyone, but you may obtain your goal if you take the time to show Tony the way.” Aunt Gladys hugged Norah and then, together, they worked on their list.

How about you? Have you ever talked with someone, believed your message was entirely clear, and then found the reception of it went haywire? What did you do? Tune in next time to learn more about moving difficult conversations into action.

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Conversation Time: The Beginning

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

What should we call today’s blog? More Belonging with Tony? Must Be Truthful? Mastering Being Tender & Tough? I like this last one. Today is the day of the conversation David and Norah prepared to have with their dad, Tony. To read more about their situation and their plans for this difficult conversation, check out the last MBT Blog.

David had texted Tony mid-week to be sure he would be home so David and Norah could visit. Tony responded with a suspicious, “What’s up?” to which David replied, “We just wanted to drop in and see how you are doing.”

“I’m not that old!” Tony texted back. “You don’t have to check on me. Ok. It will be good to catch up.”

Norah asked David to drive to make sure they arrived and left together. She worried about the impact the conversation might have on her and opted not to drive. As they pulled up in front of Tony’s house, she whispered, “Gentle truth,” to David. He repeated it back to her. They looked at each other to fuel their courage then nodded simultaneously. “Show time!” David exclaimed opening the car door. Norah nodded and muttered, “Help us, Jesus.”

Tony appeared at the door. He was wearing his usual blue jeans and drab polo shirt – it was light gray today. He waved from the door of the small, ranch style house and started barking orders at them right away, “Park in the driveway! Oh, alright! Leave it on the street if you want. Come on, get in the house. Did you bring some coffee cake? Nothing? Oh, alright. I have something here to serve you. I made extra coffee…” he continued rattling on until they were seated on the low deck outside around the old, wrought iron table (it had belonged to Tony’s mom) with the orange umbrella sipping the very strong coffee he offered.

Norah and David matched their clothing to Tony’s hoping it would put him at ease. Both wore jeans and simple shirts, David’s a light blue polo and Norah’s a short-sleeved lavender blouse. They planned every inch of this conversation to create the right atmosphere. They hoped it worked. The wild card was their dad and how he would react. Neither could predict that and it created butterflies in their stomachs. The coffee helped settle down the stress because it was such a normal activity. Sip a little coffee. Tell a bunch of buried truth that has eaten away at you most of your life. Sip a little coffee. What’s hard about that?

Whenever someone asked about his dad, David said, “He looks like Tony Bennett when he was 70 but not as good looking.” Truthfully, their dad sported a full head of thick curly, silvery gray and white hair, stood at medium height, and carried the swarthy complexion and larger nose characteristic of Italians. Some found him to be much better looking than Tony Bennett – especially women. Friends and acquaintances described him as charismatic, charming, and friendly.

Both Norah and David knew their dad handled uncomfortable things by avoiding them. Neither could remember having an emotional conversation with him. He showed his emotions though. Both had seen him cry many times, mostly at funerals, and especially when Norah’s mother, Judith, died.

Retired for nearly eight years, since he was 60, Tony loved his job as an engineer for a local manufacturing company. They recruited him fresh out of college and he worked there for his entire career. He seemed to enjoy retirement, too. His social life contained dinners with friends, shows with friends, and watching sports with friends.

“So, dad, how are things going?” Norah asked.

“Oh, good, good. You know, the usual.” Tony replied looking out into the yard. “Oh, look! Do you see that bird at the feeder? I think that is a house finch. The lady birds don’t have the bright color that the males have. Do you see it?” He pointed and looked excitedly at Norah and David. Both nodded their heads.

They sat in silence for a moment. David could not take the delay and blurted out, “We really want to talk to you about our childhoods!” Norah glared at him and tapped his foot under the table three times as if to say, “What the bleep!”

Their old man turned to look at them. Now he had nothing to say.

Norah jumped in, “Dad, what David means is we wanted to ask some questions about our childhood so we could have a better understanding of what you were going through.”

“Great!” Tony looked away, clearly exasperated. “Is this where you tell me how I sucked as a father? Time to blame your childhood for all your troubles?” He scoffed under his breath and looked away standing up to adjust the waistband of his pants. The sibling held their breath, each counting to ten, just as they had practiced. They left space open for Tony to say more.

After a full 90 seconds – David was looking at his watch and timed it – Tony turned around and gestured at them with both hands moving moving up and down motioning them to hurry up. “Ok, come on, spit it out. What horrible thing did I do to you?” His voice cracked a bit at the end of the question. Cracked with emotion, David thought, wishing he could turn around and run. Why were they doing this? He looked at Norah and saw her seemingly frozen. Dad was glaring directly into her eyes, “Come on! Out with it!” Tony nearly shouted.

“Norah has been struggling with unresolved feelings from the time when Judith died,” David started and then put his hand on Norah’s shoulder to give her strength to tell her story to Dad. But Tony blurted in first with a cry of real anguish.

“Why are you springing this on me?” he cried starting to cry and sob with great emotion. “I am not prepared to talk about Judith. I miss her as much today as I did the minute she died.” He moved away from the table, stopped for a moment to turn toward them and said, “I’m going to take a walk. Please stay and wait for me. We can talk when I get back.” He left the yard.

Norah and David both expelled their breath in one long exhalation. “What was that?” Norah asked. “Was that a show to make us feel sorry for him? How long do you think he will be gone?”

“Well, I am not waiting around to find out. Let’s go!” David was already moving toward the house so they could run to his car when Norah yelled, “Wait!” David stopped and turned around.

“We came here to talk to Dad. Why are we so afraid?”

“Because this is scary,” David replied. “I don’t want to spend my weekend getting yelled at or making Dad cry or listening to Dad yell at you or sitting around his house for who knows how long while we wait for him to walk off his emotions. And, we barely said anything! He just exploded, like, immediately! I’m leaving!”

“Don’t you dare leave me here alone. And, no, I am not going to leave. We have a right to talk honestly about our feelings. If we leave now, we will never be able to talk about anything. Dad will keep his guard up,” Norah said.

They waited for 47 minutes and 35 seconds. David timed it. Tony walked into the back yard, sat down at the table, and looked at them while rubbing his hands together. After a few seconds, he stood up, “Who wants a whiskey? Seems like this is a good time for a whiskey. Then you can tell me what you need to tell me and ask me what you want to ask me.” They all agreed, whiskey sounded good. It was very Tony, David and Norah thought.

Once they were seated again, admiring the birds at the feeder, Norah began, “Dad. We want to talk to you about our childhood. We want to understand what was going on with you during that time and tell you how we felt.” Tony nodded. Norah started talking, as if reading from a script, about the hurt she felt when her mom was sick. At first she felt nothing, as if she was a robot sharing information. The more she talked, though, the stronger she felt. She began connecting to her story. At the end, she blurted out, “Why would you abandon me like that, Dad? It’s like you dumped me at Aunt Gladys’ house and forgot about me!”

“I did not forget about you! You two were my whole life after Judith passed,” Tony replied. He saw the devastation on Norah’s face and knew there was no defense for him. She was right. He had run away. “I love you!” It came out as a shout.

“No you don’t! You are embarrassed to be seen in public with me unless someone else is there!” Norah yelled it back.

“Gentle truth,” David said, placing his hand on Norah’s arm. He was astonished that Norah yelled. It seemed not to be in her nature. “Breathe,” he said.

“What’s this ‘gentle truth’?” Tony asked.

“We decided we needed a code word for this conversation with you, Dad, in case either of us came on too strongly. We care about you, Dad, and we want to have a better relationship with you.”

Tony thought about this for a minute. “I like that. Gentle truth.” He paused for a moment and once again his kids made space in the silence for him to think. Tony looked at Norah. He felt awful about making her cry. Where had he been all those years? Running away from his feelings. When he thought about Judith, it still felt like a lightening bolt through his heart. “Norah, I am sorry for causing you so much pain. The truth is, I did not know what to do. Judith was the love of my life.” Seeing David wince, he added, “I loved your mom, too, David. I still do. I’m surprised she still talks to me.” He chuckled softly.

“You say you want to know what was going on with me then, what I was thinking. When it was happening, I didn’t think. I was a mess. Others came forward to support me. To support you, Norah. If Gladys had not offered her home to you, I don’t know what I would have done. I was panicked. You were a beautiful, smart young girl starting adolescence. I did not know how to handle you, your emotions, the changes you were going through. And, you look so much like Judith, it just hurt me to even look at you,” he said.

“That’s bull!” Now it was David’s turn to be angry. “That sounds like something you heard on a television show or something. You were a full grown man responsible for a family – fractured as we were! I don’t buy it! You were and are just selfish!,” David stood up and looked at the blue sky, so blue, he thought. He hid the tears that started to appear silently at the corners of his eyes.

Tony also had stood up and turned away from the table. His hands jammed into his pockets, his shoulders slumped forward, he appeared to be an adolescent himself. Norah looked at the two. The two most important men in her life, both constant talkers, were suddenly speechless. The thought made her giggle until she let a laugh or two burst out. At the sound, they both turned instantly and laughed, too. A great stress reliever, they all thought.

“Ok, let’s check in with each other,” Norah said when the laughing trickled away. “David also wants to talk about his feelings as a child, and I have more to say. How are you feeling, Dad? David?” Norah said.

Both of them ran their hands through their wavy hair and replied simultaneously, “Not too great.” Then they all laughed again.

Tony responded to the questions, “David, I want to hear how you are feeling. And, Norah, I want to learn how to make things better with you. But, to be honest, I need some time to reflect. Can you please say more about that good thing again, about how you care about me and want to have a better relationship with me?” Tony’s voice became fainter as he said this.

“Before we came to visit you today, Dad, we created a goal for the conversation. My goal was to have a better relationship with you and for you to learn more about my culture. David, tell Dad your goal,” she said.

“My goal was for the three of us to really become a family. I want us to talk to each other about things that are bugging us, and I want us to spend more time together. I know you get really busy, Dad, but I wish you wanted to see us more often,” David said.

“That is smart! I have smart kids! I agree. I do want to see more of you. My goal is to have a better relationship with you. I need some time to think about things, though. Today caught me totally off guard. I didn’t know how to react and I think I did a poor job of it,” he paused there, hoping they would rebut his statement. When they did not, he continued, “The most important thing to know is that I love you. I hope we can work the rest of this out.”

They realized this tough conversation needed to be more than one conversation. They agreed to meet weekly in the same manner to talk about their lives together and create a more open relationship.

When the kids were leaving, Tony hugged them both probably a bit too tightly and for a bit too long. He felt his chest swelling with emotion and something else – a tightness. When he was alone, he found it hard to swallow. His breathing became shallow. He was having a panic attack! He immediately called his best friend, Sam. Sam talked him through these attacks often and knew what to do. Once Tony’s breathing slowed and his chest opened up, Tony shared his conversation with the kids with Sam. They agreed to meet and talk about it so Tony could have his own plan of action and maybe a code word, too.

It was a conversation Tony had expected and dreaded over the years. He used to contemplate what he would say to them about his behavior when Judith died and wondered how they would react. In all his imaginings, the kids hugged him and forgave him in the end. “That’s okay, Dad,” he imagined them saying, “We love you and we know you had a really hard time back then. It’s okay.” Now he faced the reality of something different. They had not said, “That’s okay, Dad.” More conversations were coming. He only had one week to prepare himself for round two.

Back in the car, David and Norah sat motionless. “David, you did not get to speak your truth. How do you feel about that?” Norah asked. She felt a bit deflated by the conversation today.

“I’m okay,” David replied. “I realized I was not really ready to talk to Dad. You were fearless, Norah! Wow! I need to go home and take a bath and go to sleep. Eat some comfort food…” David was back to his usual fast-talking style, leaving no break or silence for anyone else to be heard.

“No,” Norah interrupted him. “Let’s go to my house and then walk to a nice place for dinner. I want to reward myself for being fearless! And, I want to acknowledge that you stuck up for me.” David agreed.

What did you think of this conversation? Did Norah and David prepare properly? Did the preparation help them? What would you have done differently? And, most importantly, what will happen next. Make sure to subscribe so you do not miss a minute of the continuing saga of David, Norah, Tony, and, now, Sam. Norah is prepping for her conversations at work. David is mulling over his own feelings about is childhood. And, Tony and Sam have yet to dive into this world of hard conversations.

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Gentle Truth: Preparing for A Tough Conversation

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

For the first time in their lives, Norah and David will tell their father how they felt after Norah’s mother passed away. To read more about it, look to past blogs, especially Talking It Out. Today’s MBT blog could easily stand for More Blatant Truth-Telling, or Must Balance Talking with listening, or Maybe But Too. The approach to this conversation frames the future relationship both of our friends will have with their dad in the future.

Our heroes – three cheers for the bravery of Norah and David! – sought advice from their mentors to prepare for their conversation with their dad, Tony. Edgar, David’s boss and mentor, and Sherri, Norah’s friend and mentor, both emphasized the importance of thinking about the end when planning the discussion.

“Know what you are aiming for,” Edgar had said.

“Decide what relationship you want with your father and with your brother,” Sherri had said.

“The kind of relationship you have with your dad and with each other starts with this conversation,” both of them had said this, and when Norah and David were preparing, they both laughed and hugged about it.

“Well, if both of them gave us the same advice, it should be good advice, shouldn’t it?” David said. “What is your goal Norah in talking to Dad?”

“Easy. I want to be heard. I want to understand him and to know that he loves me. I want him to apologize,” Norah replied.

“Yes to all of that, but what do you want the relationship to be like after this conversation?” David asked.

With tears in her eyes, Norah replied, “Pie in the sky if I got everything I ever wanted, which I know is unlikely, I want him to apologize and hate himself for how he has hurt me. I want him to ask what he needs to do to make it up to me. I want him to learn about my culture. He loved my mom, and she was black, but did he really know her? I want him to see me and to want to learn about my black roots.”

“If that is what you want, then I believe you will get it,” David said.

“What about you, David?” Norah asked. “What is your goal in this meeting other than being supportive of me?”

David was uncharacteristically silent for several moments. He had been so focused on being there for his sister, proving to her that he cared and would go to bat for her no matter the circumstances, that he had given no thought to what effect this might have on him. In fact, he had believed it had very little to do with him. “I’ll have to get back to you on that. I should think about my own relationship with Dad. I have never spent time thinking about it. We just see each other on holidays and for an occasional basketball game.”

Their preparation for the conversation was intense and intensive. Norah suggested they role play the conversation to get a better feel for the best language to use. David was unsure of this. Could he really fill in for Dad? What would Dad say? How would Dad react? All of this made David terribly uncomfortable.

Norah noticed David looking away, looking at his watch, not meeting her eyes, literally squirming in his chair. “Do you want to take a break?” she asked.

“I…” David tried desperately to express what he was feeling. His heart was pounding so hard he felt it in his ears and his ears hurt. He was having trouble breathing. He felt an overwhelming need to lie down. He slid off the chair onto the floor and felt the cool tile at his back.

Norah knelt next to him, “David! Let’s take a break!”

A full hour later, they were ready to meet with their Dad. Where? At Dad’s house for privacy and their Dad’s comfort. When? Right after breakfast when Tony would be sitting outside and drinking his coffee. How? Gentle truth. David and Norah came up with this mantra during their preparation.

After his collapse, David realized he did not want to play the part of his father ever, even in role play. His own anger tried to burst out of him, literally knocking him over. His brain was riddled with his own questions. Why had their Dad abandoned him and his mom when he met Norah’s mom? Why was there no inkling from anyone in his life that Judith, Norah’s mom, was ill until she passed away? David was 17 when that happened. He could have supported his sister during that time. Was their relationship superficial?

All these questions ran through his head, and David realized what he experienced was a panic attack. And, it was not his first panic attack.

David expressed his own rage to Norah. It felt good to get it all out. He was not as kindly measured in his accusations against their dad as Norah was. There was a good deal of swearing and name calling involved. Once his tirade ran out of steam, David settled back into the planning. The two half-siblings made a pact with each other. Gentle truth. Gentle truth was their mantra and their safe word. If either of them stepped too far out of bounds, the other would state “gentle truth” as a reminder.

Why not just let the old man have it? They debated this question.

“We have to remember our goals,” Norah said. “We want to speak our truth and give him space to speak his own truth. If we are too defensive, all his walls will go up. He will be defensive, too. Ultimately, we want to have a better relationship with him.”

“Okay, I know what I want from Dad. I want the three of us to be a family. I want him to actually care about what is going on in our lives. I want us to stop over at his house on Sundays. I want us all to go to the opera together. I want him to be a good grandpa to my kids,” David said.

“Is there something you are keeping from me, David. Your kids?” Norah said. She smiled at the change in her brother’s thinking.

“I am talking about the future. That’s what I want. A future for the three of us as a family,” it felt so good to say that out loud.

In the end, they skipped the role playing. Both of them acknowledged they had no idea what their dad would say or how he would react. They did practice speaking their truth to each other. They would start by asking him about his life. Hopefully, he would then ask them about their lives. That is when they would get to the heart of the matter and the reason for the visit. Norah decided to begin with, “Dad, we love you and we want to have a stronger relationship with you. There were events in our childhood that we want to discuss because we do not understand…”

They were ready. When Norah returned home, she thought, “That meeting I need to have at work will be a piece of cake after this!” She was exhausted. She went to bed early.

Come back to the MBT Blog next time for the full conversation. How will Tony react? Will David and Norah achieve their goals? Subscribe to make sure you do not miss a word.

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Talking It Out

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

If you have been following along with our friends David and Norah in the MBT blog, then you have to agree today’s blog could be called Must Be Transparent or My Biggest Terror or More Belonging Today or More Building Trust. Whichever words you choose today, David and Norah are both nervous. (To catch up on the story, read the past blog posts starting with MBT Blog: New Year; New Jobs)

David has no trouble apologizing, at least, he thinks he can apologize. While thinking through his coffee with Norah today, he realized he has never apologized like this. Face to face with someone knowing a conversation would follow. Most of his apologies had been text messages or fleeting waves of “sorry” as he moved on to the next place he had to be in life. Over the last several months, he learned to listen before making assumptions. He learned many interesting things from listening. He wondered what Norah would say.

Here is the list of bullet points David made to prepare for this meeting:

  • Apologize with no qualifiers and be specific. I am sorry that I… Nothing like, “I am sorry but…”
  • Ask Norah how she feels. PAUSE to listen.
  • Ask Norah for feedback to help me improve and better our relationship.

Norah feels both fear and a sense of relief about sharing her feelings with her half-brother. They had never talked explicitly about their differences and the effect on her, other than exchanging little jibes about white privilege and her occasional remark about the double standard in business making her work at least twice as hard for the same recognition because she is biracial. And, they never spoke about how she was excluded in family situations as the only non-white person in the room. Their dad would always laugh it off and say, “We’re all Sicilians here,” but that had become grating and felt like a micro-aggression to her over the years.

“It is so easy to give advice to others, and so difficult to take your own advice.”

Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach

Norah gained certifications in several types of personality assessments through her jobs in human resources. She dipped into her training now to help herself in this very personal situation. She kept thinking how easy it is to give advice to others, and how difficult it is to take your own advice. So, she developed a mantra for herself and began writing it down in her journal every morning, “What would Norah do?” She was elated at how well the daily reminder was working for her. During the week of preparation for this important coffee discussion with David, the words stayed in her mind throughout the day. She found herself ready today.

Here is the list Norah created to prepare herself for meeting David:

  • What is the goal? The goal is to be heard and acknowledged. The goal is also to maintain a strong relationship with David if possible.
  • Let him apologize first. Then pause before reacting. You have the right to take time to think about whether the apology is real before responding.
  • Do not automatically say, “That’s ok.” Commit to yourself. You can stand up for yourself and still have empathy for him.
  • Tell him how you feel.

Norah scurried into the café 15 minutes early hoping to beat David there and organize herself for their conversation. Uncharacteristically, David was already there sitting at their favorite table – the one in the far corner next to the window. They both loved the light when it streamed through especially on a cold day like today. David was waving Norah over. She took a deep breath, exhaled, and went to join him.

Norah wore a subdued navy pantsuit today. David’s fears mounted. She looked so corporate. Normally, a warm, vivacious vibe came from her through the yellow, orange, and bright green colors of the outfits she chose. The only jewelry evident at first glance was a pair of large gold hoop earrings. When she sat down across from him, he could see the gold pendant he had given her several years ago. He sighed with relief. Everything Norah did she did intentionally. That pendant meant she cared about him and their relationship.

“There you are! You look great!” David says running his hands through his always-tousled blond hair. “I got your coffee for you.”

Norah nods and sits down silently. She looks down at the table, as is her habit when she is thinking or feeling shy.

David sits down, too, and they both take out their bulleted notes for the meeting. Seeing this, they both burst out laughing.

“Phew! Thank God for laughter to break the tension,” David says. Norah nods in agreement and looks back down at the table.

“I want to apologize right away. Is that okay with you?” David asks. Seeing her nod, he takes a deep breath in, “count to five,” he thinks silently. And breathes out, “count to five,” he tells himself again.

“Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Norah. I apologize for completely running over you with my talk about my success in self-management last time we met. Here I am bragging about how I succeeded and all the while I was failing,” David looks down as he says this last part. It feels good to him to apologize and, at the same time, he feels so bad about hurting Norah. “I am also sorry that I argued with you about the progress you are making in your own self-improvement. It is insensitive of me to push my opinions onto you. I should have shut up and spent more time listening. I need to learn how to just shut up sometimes!” David looks up to see how Norah is reacting. She is looking at him fully and meets his eyes for the first time since she entered the café.

“You are absolutely right! You do need to learn to just shut up!” Norah smiles a bit. It is not a full-on show-your-teeth-and-brighten-the-room smile, just a softening and slight curving of her lips. “Now take a pause,” she says to herself. “That was a pretty good apology.” After a full minute, Norah focuses on David again. He is sitting there quietly and waiting for her to respond. “Wow, just wow,” she thinks to herself. She has never seen him stay quiet for this long.

“I accept your apology, David,” Norah says and they both sigh relief. “But, I need to explain to you how you made me feel that day.”

David nods, “Yes. That is my second bullet point. see?” David shows Norah where it says, “Ask Norah how she feels. PAUSE to listen.”

Norah smiles a bit more broadly now. “You did your homework, that’s for sure. Now, give me a moment, because this is difficult for me to talk about.” David waits while Norah collects her thoughts.

“We never really talked about our childhood and young adulthood. When my mom was alive, you would visit us sometimes at my house. I was part of a family, My mom was black and my dad was white. You were and are my only brother, and you are white. You and I became close, yet we never talked about the difference. When all of us would go out as a family, sometimes people stared at us. Sometimes I heard my mom talking to Dad about it. She would say, ‘Sam, did you see the nasty look that white lady gave me and Norah” or, ‘I heard that lady say mulatto under her breath.’ Dad would always brush it off, ‘They are just stupid people,’ he would say. They never talked about it and we never talked about it.”

David wants to respond, but stays in listening mode. “Just listen until she is finished,” he says to himself.

“I was always different. At school, the white kids knew I was part black and most of them ignored me. Sometimes, the black kids accepted me, sometimes they did not. And, I was so shy. I felt along much of the time. Then, after mom died, did you ever wonder why I went to live with my mom’s Aunt and not with Dad?” Norah pauses for David to answer.

“You know, I did wonder about that. I was 17. I remember assuming you would come and live with me and my mom. I was confused after Judith died and you went to live with your Aunt Bea. But, as you said, Dad never talked about stuff, so I guess I never asked,” David replies.

“Right. And he never explained it to me. So, when we went to Kim’s house, your mom’s house, for holidays after that, I always felt unwanted. Here I was the product of Dad’s second marriage, celebrating holidays with his first wife, and I was the only black person at every event. No one said anything mean to me. I always received the appropriate gifts from Dad or Easter baskets from Dad. Other than that, I felt invisible.” Norah pauses now. She feels the tears beginning. The old pang of loss starts rising in her chest. She feels like she might vomit. David waits patiently.

“It hurt me so. I felt completely abandoned. I am grateful every day for mom’s friend, Sherri. She was there for me the whole time until I went off to college and then afterward, too. You are so privileged, David. You are accepted everywhere you go. People trust what you have to say before you prove yourself. I am questioned and disbelieved at nearly every turn. And, in my own family, there was no room to talk about the pain inflicted on my by my own father.” Norah is so proud not to cry when she says this. In fact, she feels a rage begin to build in her chest.

David flinches at the word privileged, but remains quiet. The most important thing to him is that Norah understands his deep care and concern for her. “I am so sorry, Norah. I did not understand that you were in so much pain.”

Norah nods. “You know, I am so happy I told you that. For the first time, I feel really angry about it. Angry at Dad, that is. It is actually freeing,” she says and pauses wondering at the newness of this feeling. Her whole body feels lighter.

“I am here for you, Norah. Please continue,” David says.

“Well, on the day we had our disagreement, I had just experienced a situation at work where I felt invisible. Once again, I was the only person of color in a room full of management, and no one sat with me. I felt completely rejected and ignored. Then, we met for coffee, and you completely ignored my thoughts. You made me feel invisible or less important when you did that,” Norah raised her voice slightly when she finished this sentence. That made her feel good, too.

“I am so sorry,” David says this more earnestly than before. “I feel so stupid. This conversation is so eye-opening.”

“I am going to send you a few articles about micro-aggressions and being an advocate, if you are open to it, David.” Norah says this confidently.

“Thank you, Norah. I want to learn more about how to really be there for you. Is it ok with you if I offer a suggestion?” David replies. At her nod, he continues, “I think you need to tell Dad how you feel.”

Norah is shocked at the suggestion at first. Then pauses to think about it. “David, I think that is right. Would you go with me to support me?”

“Yes!” David says it immediately. The two then begin to make plans for talking to their father.

What do you think of Norah and David’s conversation? It seems likely there will be many more conversations between them like this one, focused on being truthful about their feelings and experiences. Will they become closer as a result of it? Will they talk to their father, Sam, about their childhood? Tune in for our next MBT blog to find out!

For more information about mindfulness and conversational intelligence, contact mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Mentors Bring Truth: Part II

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Last time in the MBT (Mentors Bring Truth) blog, we eavesdropped on our friend David and his mentor Edgar to understand more about self-improvement. David learned, “Once you think you conquered a new skill, life will show you that you need to work harder.” David first felt deflated by this remark. He found it defeating. “Can’t I ever get ahead?” he asked himself.

Further reflection revealed more about Edgar’s piece of wisdom. David realized he was making progress, and, when life or a good friend like Norah point out a problem, he should listen. “It’s ok for me to feel good when I do a better job listening,” David told himself. “But I’m not perfect. I need to continue listening to others and striving to be more open.”

After the disagreement between David and Norah, Norah reached out to her mentor, Sherri. Today’s blog could be called Make Belonging Transparent in addition to Mentors Bring Truth. As Sherri digs into Norah’s reactions, decades of struggle with feelings of isolation surface. Norah and David grew up together in separate households. Whenever she visited her father at David’s house, she felt her difference as a biracial person in an all-white (even though her dad called it all-Sicilian) household.

Norah chose an African American-owned coffee house for her meeting with Sherri rather than a chain. She strongly supports minority businesses and buying local. She arrives early and settled in at a corner table with her coffee and computer. The jazz music filters through the place calming her. Rather than checking her email, she closes her eyes and relaxes into the music.

Many of her favorite memories of childhood coincided with the soundtrack of her mother’s music. She missed her mom. What advice would she get from her now in this disagreement with David? She could hear the scolding voice in her head, “Why do you let things drag on like this? Just tell the man what irritated you and move on!” Norah avoided conflict in most social situations. She found it difficult to confront someone she loved with her feelings. Work situations also created obstacles for her. She stood up for herself, but was unsure whether she did too much or too little.

“There you are day dreaming the time away,” Sherri’s joyful voice startles Norah. She stood up and they hug. Sherri is a short, slightly round woman with golden brown skin, black hair so short she was nearly bald, and a bling-centered sense of style. Today, she wore a dark orange pant suit and a large gold, lattice-work medallion at the end of a long chain. “Now girl, let’s cut straight through it. Tell me what is going on!” Sherri is exuberant as she emphasizes the word what.

Norah cherished Sherri. A close friend of her mother, Sherri was there for her when she was a teen grieving her mom’s death from cancer. She formed the foundation of Norah’s supportive network. Sherri also owned her own successful accounting business for more than 20 years. She understood Norah, Norah’s family situation, and the business world. Sherri was pure gold.

“I am so happy to see you,” Norah responds. She tears up a few times during her telling of the story of her last coffee date with her half-brother, David. Read the blog post Success or Progress? here to catch up on the disagreement.

“My girl, there is so much emotion in your voice,” Sherri reaches across the table to clasp Norah’s hand. “We both know David is a good brother and friend to you even if he does not get it sometimes. Why is this causing you so much pain?”

Norah closes her eyes to think. “Take your time, dear,” Sherri says.

An image flashed into Norah’s mind surprising her. She was seated in a conference room at her new job. The CEO had called this meeting. Norah arrived first, as usual, and as the rest of the team flooded the room, no one sat next to her. She felt that isolation again. The same mixture of sadness, anger, and loneliness she felt as a girl visiting her father’s home.

“I have been feeling a bit out of place at my new job,” Norah says. “I am the only BIPOC on the management team. I know it will take time to get to know people, but I feel completely alone. I was excited to meet with David and tell him about my progress, but he just ran right over me. I felt invisible which is precisely how I feel at work. Damn! You ask one question, and I figure the whole thing out!”

“Yes, you figured it out! It seems to me you needed the right person to talk to about it,” Sherri says. “Now, when did these two incidents occur?”

“The work thing was the day before I met David for coffee. Maybe they piled onto each other and made me more sensitive. I am too sensitive. I need to be less sensitive,” Norah said this softly and sighed.

“No, you are not too anything. You are you and you are magnificent!” Sherri and Norah both laughed at this. “Now, what are you going to do about it? That is the important thing.”

“Well, David texted an apology to me and wants to meet for coffee. First, I am going to make that a priority.” Sherri, hearing the hesitation in Norah’s voice, asks what she plans to say when she talks to David. Knowing that Norah needs time to think things out, Sherri suggests she write down a few points and make sure those points are discussed during the meeting with David.

“I guess I need to explain what upset me that day and tell him how I felt when we were kids,” Norah was back into her head thinking of what she wanted to say.

“And, now, what will you do about work?” Sherri asks.

“I have no idea what to do,” Norah confesses.

“Well, I have lived a long life, and I know I had to put myself out there. Face the rejection I expected in life. Sometimes I was surprised. Let me tell you a story. When I first started my business, I spent most of the time with people like me – other black folks who had their own businesses. The barber down the block, Sam’s restaurant, and so on. Then, when I was ready to expand my business, it was time to look beyond my own neighborhood. I went to a women’s business owner meeting through a chamber in the suburbs. Girl, not one woman in that room looked like me. You know what I did?” When Norah shakes her head and Sherri continues. “I took a deep breath, stood up straight and tall, and walked straight into that room. Now, this was 15 years ago. I started shaking hands and talking to these white women. Not everyone liked me, but you know what? Some of them did! I kept going back and in a few months, I had two new clients. Then they started to tell their friends about me, and so on.”

“I need to take a chance. What if I reached out to one of the directors at work and offered to buy her coffee. I really need to talk to someone about the culture there,” Norah says.

“That’s right! Why not reach out to all of them. Get to know them. And, remember, not everyone is going to like you. But many of them will like you. Why, anyone in their right mind would love you and respect you! Who could not love my sweet Norah?” Sherri sat next to Norah and gave her a warm hug.

After Sherri left, Norah sighed. If ever she needed her lists and gift for strategy, it was now. She opened her notes on the computer and started breaking down the conversation into action items for herself complete with deadlines.

What is the best piece of advice you received from a mentor? Who comes to mind when you think about someone who supports you? Picture that person before you set out to do something outside of your comfort zone. And, prepare for those conversations as Norah and David have learned to do.

Will Norah follow up on her promises to take action with David and the other directors at work? Watch for our next blog to read more about the evolution of David and Norah through self-improvement and conversation.

For more information on this and other topics, contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstoday.com

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MBT: Mentors Bring Truth

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

What do you do when you have a disagreement with your best friend? Talk to someone else about what you should do? That’s what our friends, David and Norah, who struggled last time they met when they disagreed over the definitions of success and progress, did. And, deeper than that, David’s style of communicating exhausted Norah, as it often does. Sometimes, he leaves her feeling ignored and unrecognized.

Well, David, being uncertain of what exactly he did that upset his friend, reached out to his boss. Edgar, the head of David’s practice group at the law firm, recently helped the young lawyer identify elements of his personality that needed improvement. He also gives real and precise feedback, something David gratefully accepts and uses to adjust his behavior at work. David trusts Edgar completely and hopes his insight will help with this situation.

Today, David and Edgar join us at the usual coffee shop. Norah canceled her meeting with David. In fact, she responded to his text messages with few words, like ok, yes, and TY (thank you). The only full sentence she sent him in the last two weeks said, “I am unable to make it to coffee this week.”

Edgar, a successful partner and rainmaker at the firm, is a tall, charismatic man with dark chocolate colored skin, a full black beard, and wisps of silvery gray dotting his sideburns. He walks briskly with confidence. He talks fast and seems to be in constant motion even when sitting still. David believes Edgar emanates positive energy. Whenever Edgar is in the room, people tend to smile.

“Okay, David. What seems to be the problem,” Edgar says this with his open grin.

“Thank you for meeting me, Edgar. This isn’t really about work, but I feel like you know me so well and are so good at helping me see where I may have gone astray, that you are the best person to ask. The other best person to ask is my best friend, Norah, but she is the one who is mad at me, I guess,” David stops to take a breath because he said all of that in a rush as one big, run-on sentence.

“Ok, David. Blow out quickly through your mouth like this – phew,” Edgar makes a quick whishing sound. “Good. Now, take in a deep breath and blow that out slowly. Good. Now, tell me what happened.”

David follows Edgar’s instructions, and immediately feels calmer. He then explains the interaction between Norah and him. For a refresher of those circumstances, read the blog post Success or Progress? by clicking the link.

When David stops talking, Edgar takes a breath and folds his hands together creating a pause. He then leans forward and says, “David, you are an extrovert. We talked about this before. You get so much energy from talking to other people. And that is great! It is who you are! It sounds to me like your friend Norah is an introvert.” Edgar pauses there.

“You are right! I know this. I blew her over with all of my talking!” David sighs and pulls at his hair. He messed up again. He thought he had succeeded in managing himself in social situations. Now, here again, he completely forgot to slow down and let Norah talk.

“Yes, and?” Edgar prompts him for the rest of the misstep.

David slumps back and slides forward in his chair. “I argued with her about the progress she made. Looking back at it, I think she was exhausted by my constant talking and interjecting into her story about progress. It’s just that she’s so talented but so hard on herself. It makes me crazy!”

“You really care about Norah. I can see that. What’s your next step?” Edgar says calmly.

“I want to be more like you, Edgar! You are an extrovert – I know it. I see it daily! Yet, you control yourself so well. When we talk, you give me your full attention. How do you do that!” David sits up in his chair as his enthusiasm resumes.

Edgar smiles. “You have to keep working at it, David. Celebrate the wins along the way, because that makes you happy, but once you think you conquered a new skill, life will show you that you need to work harder.”

“You’re never done with self-improvement. I get it,” David nods.

“Now, what is your next step in fixing things with Norah?”

“I am going to reach out and apologize first. Then, I will invite her back for the next coffee,” David is resigned to apologizing. At work lately, he has been practicing as he becomes more aware of his need to reign in his talking and create space for others to share their thoughts.

“Yes, and be specific with the apology. I can see you are sincere and I am sure your friend Norah will feel it, too,” Edgar glances at his watch for the first time since he sat down. “I have to get back to the office. Need a lift?” David nods and they leave together.

Has this situation ever happened to you? Do you tend to be the one who talks too much or the one who becomes exhausted listening to someone else? Whatever your personal communication style, learning to leverage your strengths and watch out for the backfires is a crucial skill in business and in life. Join us next time as David tries out his apology and listens more carefully to Norah.

To learn more, contact Mary Balistreri at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Success or Progress?

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog
Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

The conversation between David and Norah last time raised a number of questions for me. First, when will Norah address David’s lack of awareness regarding his being served first and skipping the line? What solution has Norah found for converting the negative messages in her self-talk? And, will David continue to listen to others rather than talking without a break and keeping others from joining in the conversation?

Today’s MBT could stand for Mastering Business Tasks or Missing Belonging To or Much Better self-Talk. Let’s give these two credit for trying to improve themselves and also, trying to help each other do better.

At this point, it has become more clear to me that our friends are of similar age, Norah is 27 and David in his early 30’s. Both battle their inner demons; those things that keep them from reaching their potential. For David, it is lack of organization, procrastination, and, as mentioned above, becoming more self-aware of his constant need to talk. For Norah, it is listening to those thoughts in her head that say she is not good enough, imposter syndrome, the struggle to fit into groups where she is generally the minority, and lack of confidence.

Today, they both arrive at the coffee shop simultaneously. With a little giggle, Norah gives David a hug as they get in line together. “I’m buying today!” David says and smiles a big, all-teeth-showing sort of smile. Norah recognizes the smile and the mood.

“Ok, what happened? Did you get a raise? Bring in a new client for the firm? Already make partner?” she asks.

“I’ll tell you when we sit down. What are you having?” he replies.

Norah orders her usual flat white. She smiles a little smile and looks down. David, who notices this as an affectation of hers, comments immediately. “Ok, and what are YOU so happy about today? Did you remember to tell yourself that you are fabulous and amazing today?” he nudges her with his elbow.

Her sweet face opens up into a full smile now; eyes popping, brows raising, ears elevating, skin glowing. “I’ll tell you when we sit down,” she says in a soft, placating tone.

Before their coats hit the chairs, David bursts into a monologue. “First, thank you for your ideas about the calendar. I have succeeded in managing my tasks AND in being a good listener! I started color-coding the tasks I put in my calendar based on the type of task and the urgency. Either my secretary or that book I was reading suggested that. Now, every morning, when I glance at the calendar, I know what I need to do and what is most important. Then, my boss told me some of the partners commented on my listening skills. And, one of them invited me to be part of a pitch team for a new piece of work! I did it! Feel free to congratulate me.” Norah could feel the positive energy emanating from David.

“Congratulations!” she replies to him and grabs his hand across the table giving it a little squeeze.

“This is like a high from running, you know? Oh, yeah, you don’t run. Like a high from doing something you love to do. Success! And, it was not really that hard to do, you know. Once I committed to both things and understood how to use the new skills, I was there. I just feel great!” he says this a bit loudly and stands up to give Norah a sideways hug and kiss on the cheek.

Once David is seated again, he says, “Oh, that’s right. What were you happy about and excited about? I know that smile from you. Tell me what is going on?”

Norah felt somewhat subdued by David’s experience. “Well, I have not succeeded in making something a habit yet, but I did make progress.”

“Well, c’mon! Tell me what you did! Is it about the negative self-talk?” David prods her to elaborate.

Norah shrugs in a small gesture. “Well, I made a list of a few questions to ask myself at night. Answering the questions is now a daily item on my to-do list. The first question is ‘what did I do well today?’ Then, I ask myself ‘what could I have done better?’ It is not as grand as what you accomplished,” she says.

“Wait, what? Not as grand? Can you give yourself credit for once? I know it is hard for you to compliment yourself. Sounds like you succeeded, just like I have!” David says all of this quickly and loudly, regaining his exuberance about his own accomplisments.

“I see this as just a start, David. I am learning a new habit . I believe I have a long way to go before I master this.”

“Do you have to master it? Isn’t it enough to do better at something some of the time or most of the time? That defines success to me. I would be happy, if I were you, if I answered those questions once each week.”

With David’s euphoria starting to wear her out, Norah gets up to leave. “But you are not me,” Norah smiles at this. “As a black woman, I wonder what would happen if I acted like you?” She laughs a bit. “And, you are a true extrovert while I am an introvert. I would never tell everyone I mastered something, even if I believed I had. Until next time. See you!”

“But, wait! I had more to tell you!” David stands up and waves. He quickly grabs his phone and texts her, “Talk tonight? I will call you. Thank you for a great conversation!” A bit bewildered because Norah clearly did not finish her coffee and they had fifteen minutes before their usual time to leave for work, David sits down and drinks his coffee.

Do you think David noticed Norah’s slight irritation with him? Do you get the feeling this scenario plays out over and over again? I wonder about David’s description of success and Norah’s insistence she is just making progress. When I work with clients, each develops their own definition of success. Some celebrate the little wins along the way, like David did. Others see success only at the completion of a project. How do you define success?

I look forward to the next conversation. Will Norah’s irritation grow until she no longer can control it?

For more information, contact us at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Sharing Behaviors That Bring Success

From The MBT Blog: Wisdom Is All Around Us - Mary Balistreri
If you missed the last installment, learn more about David and Norah here.

As you can see in the image accompanying this blog, Norah came through for David.  She sent him a simple list of steps to take so he can better organize life at his new job. Below I posted a better look at the actual notebook. David did his part, too. Texting messages to Norah about her skills and general awesomeness.

Today’s blog could be titled MBT – My Behaviors Top yours, or More Balance Tips the scales or Make a Behavior inTo a habit. I am sure there are more options for the MBT. Feel free to send your thoughts to me. Anyway, David and Norah realize what works for one of them does not work for the other.

Norah arrives early for her coffee date with David. She is dressed impeccably, as usual, in a colorful yellow and purple tweed suit that accentuates her beautiful cinnamon skin tone. She is stunning, yet does not notice the looks of appreciation she gets from others in the coffee shop.

She cannot wait to hear how her to-do list helped her half-brother, David. She sips her latte thoughtfully, smiling at the serenity she feels. Helping others is her favorite thing.

David breezes into the café in a flurry. Five minutes late and hair tousled, as usual, he stops at Norah’s table to drop off his coat and briefcase. He mutters a quick, “Hi!” before rushing over to the long line to order his usual black coffee. The clerk recognizes him and motions him over to the side, allowing him to skip the line, and hands him his cup. He hands her a $5 bill, tells her to keep the change, and rushes over to the table plopping himself down in a big whoosh.

“You skipped all those people in line!” Norah says, worriedly glancing at the line.

“Well, the clerk recognized me and knows my order. No harm done,” he replies to her.

“Do you not even notice all those glares we are getting? Of course you don’t, you wear your privilege well.” Norah says.

David takes a breath. This is not a new conversation for them. He does not want to spend the hour they have together debating. “I’ll do better next time. Let’s talk about those instructions you sent me,” he says.

“What did you think? Did it help you?” Norah relaxes and smiles. She decides to let the line-skipping incident go. They only have an hour today. She’ll save that for another time.

David pauses. He is learning to work harder on his delivery when he talks to people. He is likely to blurt things out without thinking much about them. Recent feedback from his group leader at his new job made him more conscious of this trait. He prepared ahead for this coffee meeting to make sure he relays his feedback in a non-judgmental way. “First, I want to thank you for putting in the effort. You are such a good sister. You always come through to help. For me, though, it was too much. Too many things to do.”

Despite his thoughtful word choice, Norah is visibly wounded. She looks down at the table. Usually, David would plunge in and continue talking, but he pauses to give her a minute. He knows she needs time to process. He also knows the result of giving her the pause should lead to a well-formulated response from her.

Norah looks up to reply, her beautiful dark eyes sparkling. “Ok, I get it. The lists always work for me, so I thought I would share the process I use. How did you decide to keep track of your tasks?” Norah has done her self-work over the years. In those few sentences, she tamped down her need to immediately find a different resolution to his problem. This is not easy for her, but the more she practices it, the better she feels about it.

“Well, I was at a loss for what to do. To be honest, I was all over the place, spinning in circles,” he laughs slightly, a self-deprecating and wounded laugh all at the same time. “Then my boss gave me a book to use to try to get better organized. I’m trying it out. I hope something in it sparks a solution for me.”

“You are truly blessed! Sounds like you have a good boss,” Norah is so pleased with David’s response, her smile is bright and shining.

“I do. He’s tough though. He gave me very specific feedback about my lack of listening skills. You would love him! He says a lot of the stuff you say to me. Pause. Slow down. Let the other person get a word in…” David only pauses when Norah interrupts him.

“Sounds like he’s got your number!” she laughs at this. Secretly, she hopes David will keep talking and forget about her assignment for the past two weeks.

“How is the positive messaging going for you? I know, I forget to text you every night as a reminder. The time got away from me. But I did text you a few times,” David says.

“Busted!” Norah thinks. “I did not do so well with this. I loved the text messages you sent. They made me feel good. But, I am struggling with how to shut down those negative voices in my head,” Norah speaks more softly when she says this.

“Why are you whispering?” David says, and then pauses, practicing this new skill.

“It’s embarrassing,” Norah continues in a whisper. “I am a director at a good sized organization. I have five people reporting to me. How can I expect them to trust me when I don’t trust myself.”

“Exactly,” David says. “Now don’t laugh at this suggestion, but I know you keep lists and journals all the time. Why don’t you just write things in your lists like ‘I’m fabulous’ or something.”

Norah rolls her eyes at him. “I would never write I’m fabulous. That is not a new idea though. I tell the people I mentor to write down the things they do well. Make a list…” Norah’s voice trails off as she thinks about this.

“Ok. You have your assignment until we meet for coffee in two weeks. I am going to need your help with a strategy then. I am going to a big conference and the firm expects me to network and bring in business. How am I going to do that?” David is a bit exasperated, but in a hurry.

Norah looks up in shock to see him grabbing his things to hurry out. “There was a comment about my being late for work, too. Have to go!” He leaves Norah who is still in thought about how she can use her skill with lists and organization to create a habit for herself. This negative thinking drains her spirit.

What do you think? Can David kick his procrastination habits and become more organized? Will Norah begin to accept her capabilities and stave off the imposter syndrome? Until next time, I would love to hear your thoughts. Drop me a note at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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MBT Blog: New Year, New Jobs

Wisdom is all around us: from the MBT Blog

Published by Mary Balistreri, MBT More Business Today LLC

Happy New Year! Welcome to the new MBT Blog. This year, MBT can stand for More Business Today, More Belonging Today, Much Bewilderment Totally, Mega Bonus Today, and so on. The new year offers so many opportunities, why limit MBT to its official meaning.

In 2023, I learned how clients, colleagues, family, and friends experienced the world. While the details were different from story to story, the themes were similar. Business is more than business, and relationships differ in each environment.

As I sit here in my favorite café sipping a beautifully constructed almond milk cappuccino and eating a gorgeous scone,  I look out the window at all the weather. Much Blowing of Snow Today. I am reminded of my own conclusion in 2023 as noted in my last blog post, “There is wisdom all around us, if we would only take a moment to stop and listen.”

As I return my mug to the counter in the café, I construct a tale of two friends, David and Norah. They are fictional characters, yes, and true reflections of so many of us. They share the challenges and triumphs I heard in the stories of 2023 and, those facing all of us this year. These two have wisdom to share, I think, with each other and with us.

David is a lawyer at a mid-sized law firm. He is excited to start as a senior counsel and is looking forward to making partner. Norah is a new director of relationships at a local nonprofit business. The two have been close since they were kids, sharing the same father although they were raised in separate households.

“I have been dying to talk to you,” David says, running his hands through his hair. “My new job is awesome, but there is so much to do. I don’t know where to start! You always have such good ideas for organization. Please, give me some pointers!”

Norah pauses, staring at David without saying a word. He is effusive as ever, she thinks. After a beat, she smiles, “Hello, how are you.”

David takes a deep breath and sighs. “I am well, how are you? And, thank you for the reminder,” he says. He relies on Norah to slow him down and remind him that he is not the center of the universe.

“You are welcome. A little bit of emotional intelligence is a good thing, David. Well, I love my new job, but I am a bit worried,” Norah says this so softly, he can barely hear her.

“What are you worried about? You love the mission of the place. You are a director for the first time and you are only 27! Everything is falling into a place perfectly for you, Norah.”

She takes a deep breath and looks down at the table for a second. David was used to this behavior from Norah. She could be the fiercest person on the face of the earth one second, and completely withdrawn the next. So, he waits in silence for her to speak again.

“It’s just that, I never managed people before. Don’t roll your eyes at me. You know it’s different for women in the workplace, especially women of color. I know I will be judged to a higher standard,” Norah said, raising her eyes to look straight at him. Norah’s mom was a beautiful tall, elegant African American woman, and their dad was a third-generation Sicilian American. Norah got the best traits of both of them, David thought. His half-sister was an amazing woman.

“I know,” he reached across the table and held her hand when he said it. “I am here for you. And, please, please, please, tell yourself every day that you can do this! You will be the best director they ever had.”

Norah nodded but did not feel any better. “Let’s talk about your problem now. What is it you are trying to organize? Remember what I have told you before. Use your calendar, set deadlines for yourself. You are such a procrastinator. You have to have solid deadlines.”

“You are right, course. First, though, let’s finish with your problem.” Seeing her raised eyebrow of surprise, David adds, “How’s that for emotional intelligence? Let’s set some deadlines for you, too. Every night, I want you to text me one positive thing about yourself. Something you did or a compliment you got from someone…”

“I got it, I got it. And, I agree to the texting! Thank you, David,” Norah laughs a little.

“Back to me, you are right, I need deadlines. I think I will use a notepad and write down everything I have to do so far. Then I can cross things off, like a list. You always make lists. What do you think?” David said.

“I think that will get old really fast and you will stop doing it tomorrow,” they both laugh at this. “Ok, here is what I think you should do,: Norah continues. Create a page on the notepad for the week you are in, one for the quarter, and one for the year. Then, keep it on your desk so you can find it and write in it anytime a new task comes up. Then, ask your assistant to put it into a spreadsheet for you so you can see all the deadlines.”

“Then, I don’t use the notepad anymore,” David asks, trying to visualize this to-do list and all the deadlines.

“No, you need to keep the notepad right there on your desk so you can put all the tasks on it. Then, maybe weekly, have your assistant update the spreadsheet for you,” Norah replies getting up to leave. “I have to go. I don’t want to be late. “

“What? I have so much more to tell you and ask you…” David continues talking while Norah interrupts. She knows she has to interrupt or he will never stop.

“Maybe you can be late to work at your new job, but I cannot and will not. I’ll text you tonight to tell you how great I am,” Norah says and walks out.

“Ok. Let’s do this again two weeks from now,” David shouts as Norah waves goodbye. He sends her a text with only the words “two weeks!” and a heart emoji. She sends back a thumbs up.

Do you think David and Norah will support each other throughout the year? I hope they do. I really like them. They both have strengths in different areas to share. As the year progresses, I hope the stories of David and Norah’s successes, failures, and challenges bring inspiration to you wherever you are.

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Conversational Insights or What I Learned from My Clients

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Since January 2021, I published 66 posts in the Client Wisdom Blog: Why Coaching Works. My focus throughout the posts has been on the wisdom clients bring to each session, participants bring to each training, and colleagues bring to each interaction. My eureka moment?

There is wisdom all around us if we just stopped to listen and experience it.

Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach

My question to everyone is, do you leave space in your conversations with people to hear and experience their wisdom?

As the years pass, I realize I do not know more than I do know. And, yet, I am a valuable person. I bring my own thoughts, ideas, and experiences to each project, situation, and conversation. And, I am constantly learning from everyone and everything around me. What do you bring to your interactions with your colleagues, family, friends, and strangers?

For example, during lunch with a friend last week, we shared recent experiences, our reactions to them, and our philosophies about life. Each new thought stimulated the next. It was invigorating to learn from each other and build upon our ideas. We stood up at the end of the conversation and hugged. The next day, we texted each other with mutual thanks. For me, the event was just one more example of how much wisdom is around me.

Pieces of Wisdom I Learned Since Beginning the Client Wisdom Blog:

  • Personal Experience Drives Change. All the conversations over the past few years illuminated the effect of personal experience on whether a person will open themselves up for change. Whether during a coaching session focused on developing business or a facilitation focused on diversity, I heard the phrase, “I did not understand, until I (insert something the person experienced).” For example, “I hated broccoli until my wife added cheese to it. Now, I ask for it every week.” A simple example that illustrates the concept well.
  • Perspective is everything. Individuals insert themselves into each interaction. They load the conversation with meaning based on their own past experiences and beliefs. This is why two people attending the same meeting come away with different understandings of the information that was shared. Getting a group of people “on the same page” is not as easy as telling everyone in the room the same things.

    When I work with clients, the trust we develop creates an atmosphere of openness. Both of us are likely to truly listen to the other person. Then, understanding a new perspective creates a lightbulb moment. Aha!
  • Having a successful conversation is an art. While Conversational Intelligence is based in neuroscience, the ability to move in and through conversations is an art. Sometimes it is a dance. Sometimes the participants are working in paint; sometimes clay for sculpting. What does it matter when you are a business leader? It matters as much as strategy. Learning to communicate clearly with your team is a vital business skill.
  • Understanding culture is key to success. The “it” factor at a company is created by the workforce at every level. A business has its culture, and so do the units within the business, the teams at all levels, and each individual person brings their own culture into the mix. Taking the time to understand cultures from the macro to the micro level leads to success. It also leads to the understanding of what success looks like. Why are we here doing this particular thing? The explanation may be clear to some in your organization and fuzzy to others. Understanding cultures is vital in crafting the messages needed to communicate at every level.
  • Belonging is the key. The biggest thing I learned is belonging is the key to every measure of success in any organization. It indicates how to interact with each other, how to communicate, how to collaborate, how to measure success, and how to reward achievements.

I feel so strongly about the importance of belonging in the workplace, I am making it the center of my new blog. This is the last of the Client Wisdom Blog. Watch social media and my web site for the new content in January 2024. In the meantime, continue to work on opening your mind to the wisdom all around you.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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A Few Do’s (Please, Please Do) of Business Development

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

My last blog post was about business development don’ts. Thank you for the opportunity to rant a little about the methods and techniques used in sales that annoy me, and most of us. Today is about the opposite. What kinds of approaches to developing relationships that lead to business work?

When I work with clients, nearly all of them express the need to stay true to who they are, to be authentic, in developing relationships that drive business. It takes much longer to develop a strong and lasting relationship than it takes to cash in on a quick sale. Satisfied customers are golden offering repeat sales, positive PR, and word-of-mouth, and straight up referrals. The returns on the time invested in the long run will be greater in every way – financially, emotionally, and socially.

Here are a few do’s, please do, of business development:

  • Do remind me how we met. Whether we met at a networking event or were introduced virtually by a mutual acquaintance, make sure to remind me when you reach out. Giving a bit of context warms up the beginning of the relationship and sets the tone for the next steps.
  • Do be transparent about your interest in me. When business people get together in a business setting, it should be clear to everyone that business is in the front of our minds. So, why do so many people jump in to act like the relationship is about just about being friends? The simplest way to avoid this is to talk about business at every encounter. For some people, their clients are their friends, and that is ok. Many people prefer to keep the relationships of business separate from friendships. If the potential client is a friend first, suggest a meeting specifically to talk about business so there is no confusion.
  • Do ask me what I enjoy before inviting me to an event or sending me a gift. Many organizations purchase tickets to sporting events or cultural events to help their associates develop business. Please ask me whether I want to spend my time with you at one of these events. The same applies to gifts of chocolate or wine or whatever. Make it an open-ended question, “My company has access to tickets to a number of events. What do you enjoy?” It develops a deeper relationship by creating an opportunity to learn more about the individual. You may gain great insight into the operations and values of the business and the person.
  • Do follow up with me after I presented a challenge. Many would-be business developers miss the obvious cues. Some are trying so hard not to appear sales-y, they are afraid to offer the help the potential client needs in the moment. If we are having a conversation, and I tell you I have a specific challenge, follow up with me. This is a clear sign of trust and a willingness to work together.
  • Do continue the relationship after you get the work. Once I hire you, keep in touch with me. Check in to make sure I am receiving great client service. Getting together to check in, twice each year at least, is a positive way to take the pulse of the services you are delivering and to look for additional ways to help. Survey are good and give you a baseline, but personal connections cannot be dismissed.

Now that all of you have read this, I look forward to healthier and more meaningful emails in my box and encounters at networking events.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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A Few Don’ts (Please, Please Don’t) of Business Development

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Most of the clients I coach in developing business hate the idea of it, because they do not want to be sales-y. “You don’t expect me to cold call, do you? Because I will not do that,” they say. I also hate cold calling. I hate being cold called or cold emailed or cold texted or whatever else sales people are doing coldly. I am in favor of the warm lead and the warm reach out.

Lately, I have been so annoyed by the kinds of sales emailed at me, I decided I have to write a blog about it. These tactics are, I believe, universally annoying. Whether you are a person who holds a position within a company to make purchasing decisions or someone, like me, who owns your own business, being approached in these ways is likely to not make a sale. In fact, it is likely to generate annoyance and distrust from your potential customer. Worst of all, it is likely to leave a huge negative impact on the brand itself.

Please, please:

  • Don’t Act Like You Know Me When We Have Not Met.
    This type of cold emailing goes something like this, “Hi Mary, Just checking in regarding your website. I know you are interested in reaching as many potential clients as possible.” I admit the “just checking in” makes me pause in case the person is actually someone I met while networking or with whom I am LinkedIn. When I realize I never met them, it becomes annoying. You don’t “know” anything about me, so leave me alone!
  • Don’t Act Like I Owe You Something When We Have Never Spoken.
    Here is a direct quote, “I’ve reached out to you thrice before without receiving a response, but I’m not going to give up easily.” Seriously? I do not owe you a response simply because you bought a list that has my email on it. For many of these sales methods, it is clear they are using an old list. They are spamming my personal email rather than my business email. Ouch!
  • Don’t Tell Me I’m Stupid.
    I want to lash out with a response to these emails, because they are the absolute opposite of what you should do when establishing a relationship with a potential client. But, I hold myself back. Someone please explain to me why a sales person believes degrading and humiliating a potential client and their business will lead to success? What am I talking about? The emails that start with, “I looked at your website and see you are trying to establish your brand. Unfortunately, It is clear your tactics just aren’t doing the trick. Here’s how I can fix it for you.”

    Another one in this genre talks down to the potential customer, me in this case, as if we are too inexperienced and unsophisticated to understand the world of technology. “In the digital frontier, (people like you) often find themselves wrestling with a rowdy gang of technological roadblocks.” As I continued to read this email, I was impressed with the prose but the resulting message to me came across as, “Don’t worry your pretty little head about technology. Us brave smarties will save you and your company with our intense skills.” Yuck!
  • Don’t Assume I Am Going To Miss Out on Something by Not Replying To You.
    This scheme is age-old. “I can save you 83%…” or “You really need to respond now to take advantage of this deal!” No, I don’t. Save me 83% of what? Because, I never planned to spend money the way you want me to spend it on your product. Enough said.
  • Don’t Clog Up My Email Box.
    As a coach, I receive multiple emails every day from businesses asking me, “Can you take on 100 new clients?” or “Do you need 50 new qualified leads per month?” This strategy makes me laugh the most, because they plan to set me up with leads so I can do the same thing to someone else they are doing to me. Spamming. Shaming. Annoying. Misrepresenting. Just no, no, no!

When working to drum up new business, remember:

  • Think beyond this moment. You can make a fast sale, or work harder to develop a trusting relationship.
  • Misrepresenting yourself at the outset of a relationship smashes trust to bits. If you start that way, it’s over before you begin.
  • A happy customer is a repeat customer, and likely to become a referral source.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Strategy + Action = Success? What’s Missing from Your Recipe?

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Clients often ask, “What are the steps to bring in new business?” Or, “Tell me what I need to say to get my team to trust me so they will be more productive.” Or, “What do I need to do to make my new business a success?” There are many recipes for success, and some of the elements are essential. The biggest factor is starting with your purpose. Not just what you are trying to achieve; why is it important for you to achieve it?

Most business people have seen Simon Sinek’s TEDx Talk about knowing your why. It is actually called, “How Great Leaders Inspire Action.” The concept can be applied to multiple situations within and outside of business. Your employees and clients need to understand and see your “why” in order to work with you, and, I discovered, so do your children, friends, and spouse. You need to understand your purpose prior to trying to articulate it to others. In fact, you probably are communicating your purpose through your actions. Others may already know what it is.

So, let’s start with you first, as we often do in the client wisdom blog. Clients continually teach me the importance of authenticity in every aspect of life and business. Work to understand yourself. It is work, and it brings peace and clarity the more you do it. Take the time to listen to your thoughts. Who do you want to be each day in the world? What are your values? What is your purpose in starting a new business?

I have a great, wise friend who states clearly on her web site her passion for supporting leaders to have fearless conversations. She knows her purpose and clearly articulates it. Supporting leadership in conversation is the reason she opened the doors to her business.

As I delved into my own purpose, I started by writing down my own values. For me, I am motivated by supporting others to reach their goals. Each self-assessment I took over the years pointed in the same direction: people-person, coach, entrepreneur, intuition, idea-person. Every single assessment funnels the results in the same and related ways.

My purpose in starting my business is to make a living supporting individuals and organizations to succeed through mindfully building belonging into their businesses.

Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach

How about you? As the title of this article states, strategy plus action may be the recipe for success if the journey and the results of the journey satisfy your purpose.

Equally important before you develop your strategy is to define success for you and your business or leadership role. Success can be different things to different people. Think about what success looks like to you and then compare that image to your purpose. Do they match up?

Know yourself, define success for you, and then develop your strategy. Your values help you understand what you want to achieve and your strategy dictates the tactics you will use to succeed. For instance, if your values tell you that your family is the most important part of your life, then a tactic that keeps you away from them most of the year would not be the right one for you. You may achieve the goal, but will you be happy?

The recipe for success? How about Purpose + Vision for Success + Strategy + Action = Your Success?

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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How Big Is the Box You’re In? Are Your Lines Drawn with Permanent Marker?

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

I sometimes challenge myself and my clients to spend time listening without passing judgement on what other people are saying. It is impossible to really do it, but when I try to do it, I realize how many judgements I make every minute. Before someone finishes a thought, I think I know what their point will be based on the first thing they said. When I pay attention to the conversation rather than trying to jump forward in my head, I often learn that my assumption was incorrect.

Listening and trying to focus your mind to be present in a conversation is critical to understanding. I am probably stating the obvious.

As I continued to listen during the month of August, the image of people drawing lines in the sand came to mind. They draw the line in the sand to block out specific information or people. “I am done with this person or situation. No one had better cross this line,” they are saying in my imaginings. In the case of the sand, though, the tide comes in and washes the line away. There is hope for a change of heart.

The next vision that popped into my head was a box with someone inside it. Each time the person drew a line, their box shrank. As the box became smaller and smaller, the person disappeared so completely that they literally drew themselves into non-existence. Other people lost sight of them, because they were buried in their boxes.

This vision brought me to tears, and yet, I know many of us are happily containing ourselves in ever-shrinking boxes. If they lines we drew were in the sand, they could wash away over time. If we used pencil instead of permanent marker, we could easily erase the lines as we learned more and as we became more understanding. If our cubes were made only of cardboard, we could break out. I fear that, for many, the box is made of solid steel.

It made me wonder what substance could penetrate the boxes. How do those of us on the outside reach those on the inside? Then it occurred to me: we think we are gaining control over people and ideas by blocking them out of our lives. Actually, the opposite is true.

We lose our power by drawing lines and shrinking into our boxes.

Mary balistreri, the mindful business coach

By refusing to participate in the world, we give up the power to voice our own thoughts and ideas. We lose the possibility of finding a person who may support us. We block out the possibility that an idea or piece of information might help us reach our goals. Some boxes group together believing there is safety in numbers. As long as everyone agrees to everything, life will be perfect, right? In this case, I feel confident saying never, it is never the case. We create an echo chamber that is void of innovation, thought, and collaboration. Everyone loses.

Sometimes it is important to block a person from your life. Not every relationship is good for you. Sometimes it is important to leave a toxic environment. Not every place is the place you need to be.

Ultimately, be mindful of generalizations that build your box. Your difficulty may be with one person, not all the people similar to that person. You may disagree with one idea, but not with all the ideas that are different from your own. Growth demands innovation. Innovation demands variety in thought. Think about it and spend some time listening.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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You Achieved Your Goal. Now What?

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Clients often tell me they feel empty after achieving a goal. They are deflated and defeated somehow. They do not feel like celebrating. “It’s as if I put in so much effort, and now I’m completely flat,” they say. Their plate which was completely full of action items to move them closer to their goal is suddenly empty.

You probably heard the thought “the satisfaction comes from the journey itself and not the achievement.” Maybe. I believe the value comes from exploring a client’s reaction to the achievement.

After a big win, some clients decide to move on as if nothing special occurred. Some report feelings of exhaustion and lack of excitement about the very thing they worked so hard to achieve. A few have a reward planned for themselves and indulge in that.

As their coach, I ask clients to explore all these responses.

How to handle success is as important as how to handle defeat.

Mary balistreri, the mindful business coach

In the early stages of coaching, I work with clients to discover the obstacles that hold them back. Clients diligently dig into their self-awareness sometimes taking assessments to help them evaluate their strengths and weaknesses. Once they are more aware of how they react in situations, we create solutions and strategies to deal with and manage their reactions.

Then we design a plan of action so that each day, clients have a task or a focus to keep them on track. During this entire cycle of improvement, there is a road map of sorts which illustrates our next steps. Clients know what to do and can see their progress plotted as they move forward. We discuss the progress made and data collected at each session. It is a time of movement – forward and backward – and of experiencing the ripples of productivity.

Suddenly, the objective is met and everything seems to stop.

Success is not an ending. It is a beginning. There is as much to learn from a success as there is from a failure. Achievement presents new opportunities to explore. There is more to discover about yourself now from how you respond to success.

Here is a brief to-do list for success:

  • First, stop and celebrate. You deserve to feel the satisfaction of winning and to reward yourself in whatever way makes you feel great.
  • Next, take a moment to just breathe and exist. Not every day needs to be filled with challenges. It’s ok to take a nap or hang out with friends without talking about work.
  • Now, take out the old journal. Over the next few days or few weeks, make a few notes. Ask yourself:
    • How did I respond when I achieved this goal? Did I minimize it? Did I deflect the credit and attention? Did I relish it? Did I brag about it, and if so, did I do it tastefully or did I drag others down in my pride?
    • What can I learn from this success?
      • What did I do well?
      • What would I do differently if I could do it over?
      • How will this impact my approach to problems and goals in the future?
  • Finally, consider asking a friend or colleague who understands the circumstances around the goal for their input and advice.

It is your decision how to move forward. Some clients prefer to keep moving by capitalizing on their lessons learned as soon as they can. Others take a break and enjoy life. It is all in your control.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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The Coach Is Part of Your Team

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Every month, I meet with two incredible coach friends. One is from Manchester, England, and the other is from China. The three of us met almost five years ago while earning our Conversational Intelligence (CIQ) coaching certifications and were part of the same cohort. We love to get together to talk about CIQ, our coaching businesses, and our newest learnings.

Today we talked about Gestalt and theories about boundaries from his teachings. One of our threesome has been studying Gestalt for nearly three years. The information she shared aligned perfectly with the extremes I see in my coaching practice lately. A trend I noticed is my clients seem to demonstrate the two extremes of boundaries: either having no boundaries – afraid to speak up for themselves, putting everyone else before themselves, not knowing when to say “no” – or insulating themselves from the thoughts, opinions, and insights of other people.

I find it interesting that my clients are trending at the two extreme ends. So did my colleagues this morning who enlightened me as they always do. The input expanded my mind to continue to dig for more information about Gestalt and boundaries to better help my clients.

The conversation led me to think about the value coaching brings to clients. I believe it illustrates why coaching is so enormously popular. I concluded this:

The individualized shorthand a coach creates for a client adds immediate value by bringing exactly the right tool or concept to the coaching session and helping the client use it to improve their situation.

MaryQuote

Coaching works when the coach is part of your team. Imagine finding time in your role as an executive in a business or organization to study all the new ideas in leadership. There is no time for that. It seems a new leadership book is published every day. As a leader, you need your team to bring you their expertise and knowledge to you so you make informed decisions. The coach is part of your team supplying valuable information for you to use daily.

The scenario changes from client to client, yet in each situation, I tailor my approach to the client. The adjustments include which pieces of information fit the individual personality, goals, needs, position, and business of the client.

I create a shorthand so you preserve your time to focus on your job, company or organization, and team.

This is especially true when the coach works with an organization over a period of time getting to know the goals, leaders, team dynamics, and culture. A coach studies the latest ideas, assessments, and tools and applies that information directly to the situation.

A coaching concept for this is dancing in the moment. When I pull the information from my knowledge grabbing exactly the right piece of the puzzle and offering it to my client, and then, my client responds with affirmation (and sometimes extreme excitement), I am dancing. It is the greatest feeling for me and also for my clients.

As a result, the clients may see things through a new lens, or find the key to a struggle in that moment. Then, they realize the magic of coaching.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Strengths and Your Team

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Several years ago, my family embarked into the unknown world of Alzheimers. In addition to navigating the condition of our mother, several family members were very ill and there were multiple deaths that year. My sisters and I all pitched in to execute on tasks that were vital, provide emotional support, and figure out the legal issues involved. We worked together to make sure we accomplished things well from every aspect of the situation.

Afterward, we remarked that each of us lent our talents and skills to create the best outcome. The difference this time, as opposed to earlier in our lives, was that rather than expecting each other to perform in ways that were not natural for the individual person, we opened our minds to recognize the strengths of each of us. It was a lightbulb moment and one of exponential growth for us.

Expect what each can give and celebrate the contribution rather than expecting unrealistic acts and feeling angry or dissatisfied with each other.

The Balistreri Sisters

The same holds true for work situations. Through the years as a coach, many clients talk to me about their company’s lack of follow through when it comes to strengths. For instance, a business or non-profit organization will invest the time and money into working with teams to assess what “type” each person might be. Whether it is the Meyers Briggs or the Disc or something else, each person receives the report about their type.

The report generally precedes a discussion with the whole team. Often, the consultant involved will chart the team member’s individual types to identify where the group is strong in skillset and where there may be gaps. Everyone discusses how to adapt for the gaps and better understand the approaches of other team members to make the team more productive and the work more enjoyable and efficient.

Then, no one talks about it ever again. It’s true. I personally have been a member of teams where this has happened.

Why is this important? It is vital to use the investment in identifying strengths and gaps for so many reasons:

  1. Trust develops. A discussion of skillset and the application of strengths opens up individuals on the team. They feel heard and valued. When no more is made of the initial discussion, people feel cheated or fooled or disrespected.
  2. Authenticity is promoted. When trust develops and employees understand their value to the team, they become more comfortable being themselves at work.
  3. Belonging happens. Workers who are committed to their company or organization believe they belong in the environment. Happy people tend to be more productive.
  4. Your team performs in a crisis. When the team understands everyone’s strengths, and the leader of the team directs the work in ways that match with those strengths, the team performs best in crisis situations.

In the case of me and my sisters, the next time we experienced a crisis, we each jumped into our roles. We acknowledged who should do what based on those strengths. The management of the work at hand was much easier and more productive. The same can happen in your organization when you acknowledge strengths and then provide your team members with opportunities to use their individual skills to create the best results.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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It’s Always Something

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

The spirit of Rosanne Rosanna Danna has been flooding my mind lately when I meet with clients. I see her bobbing head with her huge dark hair as she recounts her famous tagline, “It’s like my grandmother used to say to me when I was just a little girl: “My little Rosanne Rosanna Danna, it’s always something. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.”

My clients are committed to the coaching, and, something really truly does intrude upon their work lives and their home lives to pull them off track. The kinds of phrases I hear from them that bring Rosanna to mind are:

  • “If I could just finish hiring these five people, then I will be able to relax.”
  • “Once this project is complete, I will have time to work on my action items.”

Those sentiments are often followed by these:

  • “Once I train these five people, I will be able to relax.”
  • “Now that my project is complete, I needed to focus on the rest of my work, so my action items need to wait.”

I see these statements as absolutely legitimate. My clients feel the effects of the changes and demands in life constantly. The key is to recognize the truth that there will always be something happening to offset your plans. The answer to this phenomenon?

Prioritize the commitments you make to yourself.

Make time to hire the employees and train them well. AND earmark time in your day to complete the activities that lead you achieve your goals. Focus part of your energy on your projects and your day-to-day tasks. AND take time to focus on your own goals.

You can do all the things smartly. Make yourself one of the things included in “all the things.”

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Don’t Wait! Write It Down!

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

The greatest success I witness in clients comes when they leap over the hurdle of journaling. You may have noticed many of my blog posts include the advice, “Write it down.” Why is that? Why is it so important?

When clients approach my business, they look for ways to improve their business development or leadership skills and strategies. In both cases, they discover an adjustment of mindset creates the difference that helps them move forward and achieve their goals.

In my last blog, I noticed how my clients show their brilliance through the reflection portion of coaching and the incredibly diverse thoughts they bring to the conversation. Using a journal and getting into the habit of writing thoughts down is an indispensable tool in making self-reflection a habit.

Several of my clients show little interest in journaling at the start. “Isn’t that just another thing for me to add to my already overwhelming list?” they ask me. As we continue to talk about it, I hear things like, “It seems so fluffy and touchy-feely,” or “I can’t explain why, I just don’t want to do it.”

What tends to happen is once they make themselves try it, they find value in it. Writing down their thoughts opens the clients’ minds to the possibilities for them. It paints a picture, in their own words, of the reasons behind the difficulties they have executing on specific tasks. It reveals patterns that help them notice their own behaviors or their reactions to the behaviors of others.

Ultimately, the journal becomes the greatest method of understanding themselves.

“How do I capitalize on this great tool?” you may be asking yourself. Here are some questions you can start with:

  • At the end of the day, ask yourself: What did I do well today? What could I improve?
  • Who am I outside of the labels (not including parent, spouse, sibling, friend, your profession or job title, etc.)?
  • What makes me happy?
  • What do I like most about my job?
  • What are my greatest strengths? How can I use those strengths to achieve my goals?

In addition to the self-understanding gained from journaling, there is power in writing things down. It’s like buying a red car. Once you do it, you notice red cars are everywhere. The more you write things down, the more likely you are to focus on achieving your goals. Give it a try!

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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My Clients Are Brilliant

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Over the last several weeks, many of my clients made significant progress toward a goal. As a coach, I watch for signs of improvement. I help the client take notice of positive changes. My clients exhibited so much impressive change lately, I needed a new word to use in addition to kudos, congratulations, awesome, and fabulous.

The word is brilliant. My friend in Manchester, who is also a brilliant coach, uses this word frequently. I love the word every time she uses it. And now, it best describes my clients and their progress. They are brilliant!

After finding the correct word, and feeling quite brilliant for doing so, I reflected on how this great success happens. How do individuals and teams move themselves forward until they realize significant change?

There are themes that travel across all of my coaching engagements. Individuals or groups seek to improve in an area or areas. We set goals to create a path for moving forward. Then, we embark on a journey of action / reflection; action / reflection. It all looks a bit humdrum on paper. Why am I so excited?

While goals and actions may be similar from one client to the next, the difference – and the brilliance – shines through in the reflection. Clients reveal to me infinite ways to look at, digest, interpret, and define the information that comes to them and through them. My clients are brilliant! And that is the magic of coaching.

As a coach, I ask the questions that resonate with clients so that they recover their own wisdom. Some questions are the same from coaching session to coaching session. Some manifest through the individual circumstance. I use a number of clichés from person to person as we look for a way to frame things that speaks to the individual.

Coaching is a quest and a journey. It takes hard work, resilience, focus, and motivation to realize results.

In the meantime, here are a few of the clichés you will hear when working with a coach that are absolutely true:

  • Baby steps.
  • Eat the elephant one bite at a time.
  • Eat the frog first thing every morning.
  • You hold all of the answers in your own mind (just like Dorothy and the ruby, red slippers).
  • If you focus on a particular outcome, you will start seeing ways to obtain the goal.
  • Persistence is key.

My brilliant clients benefitted from all of the clichés above and a number of other analogies. Which ones work for you? How have you made improvements that helped you achieve your goals?

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Perception & Self Image

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Have you ever participated in a 360 assessment? This is an assessment where you assess yourself and those who work with you – in 360 degrees around you – also give you feedback. That means your boss, your direct reports, your peers, your clients, and your colleagues have an opportunity to participate. It is an incredible process. Exciting and scary! There is tremendous value in learning how others perceive you.

I went through – it is definitely something you go through – one of these 360 feedback assessments several years ago. The primary positive feedback drew a picture of me as a rock. Yes, a rock! Sturdy, dependable, reliable, strong Mary – that’s me. I was so disappointed. To me it evoked the highest level of boring. I didn’t want to be a rock. I wanted to be a shooting star. I want to be seen as creative, engaging, etc.

The feedback suggesting areas needing improvement was brutal. Apparently, I made up my mind regarding how to solve a problem before asking my team for their input. This is defeating for the team. I cried, and I knew it was true. Even though the feedback came to me many years ago, I continue to work on this aspect of my personality now. I have improved, and I am constantly evaluating my behavior. How did I do today? Did I listen to the suggestions of others with an open mind?

As a leader, that piece of feedback was absolute gold for me. I now see it as an invaluable gift that helps me concentrate on my biggest passion – helping other people achieve their goals.

I have guided many of my clients through this kind of feedback process. In the end, they are grateful for the feedback they received, even if it was hard to take. Sometimes though, learning about areas for improvement can push you off your path. It can negatively impact self image and confidence.

Keep this in mind: Hold onto the positives of your self image and realize feedback will help you become even better.

Keep this in mind: Most of the feedback will be positive. Embrace it! It is very human to focus on the constructive feedback more than the positive feedback. It is a good thing that my team, boss, and clients perceived me as dependable. It means they felt they could depend on me.

If you are planning to gather feedback, here are some tips to help you keep things in perspective. Grab your journal or your favorite notepad for this. Settle down into a comfortable and comforting space. Supply yourself with your favorite drink or music.:

  • Before taking a self-assessment or diving into a 360 assessment, make a list of the traits in your personality that you view as positive. Make a list of one or two traits that you believe you need to change or be managed more closely.
  • Now write down your goal for participating in the assessment. What do you want to achieve? Why is it important to you now?
  • Decide. It is very important to decide that this assessment is what you want right now.
  • Commit. Commit to keeping an open mind and to taking action based on the results of the assessment. Commit to yourself.
  • Make sure you have someone – a coach or someone who is certified to administer the assessment – on board to walk you through the results and interpretation of the results.
  • When looking at the results, have that list of positive traits and areas for improvement that you wrote down with you. Remember who you are. Think about who you want to be.
  • When the perception of who you are is not in line with who you believe you are, it is clear you need to make some changes. Plan. Pick just one area for improvement and take action.
  • After three months, look at your progress.

Feedback is a gift. When you receive it, be sure to thank those who gave it to you. Be you, and improve.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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How Your Gifts Come Back

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

I recently worked with family members to clean out two households. One last year was for my mother who has dementia and is in assisted living. The other was for my sister who passed away in February. It started me thinking about the weirdness of getting gifts back when I had loving chosen them for the people I love.

The gifts I am receiving now – from myself through a circuitous route – are little things like holiday-themed pins and earrings, artwork I had commissioned for my sisters (I had one made for each of us, now I have two), and pieces of clothing. What an uncomfortable feeling! And yet, what a glorious gift. These re-gifts offer new opportunities for me to carry these people with me. I am learning to shake off the strange feeling and embrace the joy this brings.

In the midst of this curious situation, my clients are experiencing a return of gifts they have given. Gifts of mentoring, kindnesses they have shown, and sometimes advice they have given. In all of these cases, they expected nothing in return. Yet, in a few years, sharing time and experiences led to gaining a new client – an unintended result. They feel a bit uncomfortable about reaping these rewards, because their intention was purely to help and support someone.

Likewise, as a coach, one of the greatest gifts I receive is when I hear a client incorporate my words into their thought process and behavior. Things like, “I realized that my negative thoughts were draining my energy,” or , “After I reconnected with more of the people in my network, I found that they were excited to hear from me.” My words often come back to me.

I am not offering action items with today’s post beyond this – think about and notice all of the gifts you give. Here is a list of a few:

  • Your time
  • Listening
  • Advice
  • Mentoring
  • Strategies
  • Ideas

What kinds of gifts have you given? How do you feel when they come back to you?

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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One Thing At A Time

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

It seems that nearly everyone I speak with expresses feeling overwhelmed and anxious. My clients work in professions that demand the highest levels of accountability and responsibility. On top of that, they do the work of self improvement. And, they are dedicated to their families, communities, and social circles. It is difficult to show up for everything and everyone 100% of the time.

My clients master the ability to turn an idea or concept into a solid, actionable item to move themselves toward continual self-improvement. Stars currently, they strive for superstardom. The weight of constant expectations puts many of them into overload.

During our coaching sessions, we work together to develop habits that lessen the overwhelm and the fatigue. Like most things, the first step is to be self-aware. Where does stress come from and how can it be managed?

Here are some tips to get you started:

  • First, set your mindset. When you think of the items on your todo list, what image comes up? How do you feel? Make a note of it.
  • Many clients see their task list as never-ending with pages and pages of items or a big cloud of “stuff” to do. Let go of infinity and close in on one item at a time. For example, when you wake up on Monday morning, redirect your thinking to the few most important items to accomplish.
  • Talk to yourself. Remind yourself, “I do not to finish this entire list today.”
  • Each day, prioritize your bigger list by making a list of the few items that you want to complete that day. Some people like to write the physical list, while others keep the list in their heads. Either style works. If you are the kind of person who loves to check things off, make sure you give yourself that satisfaction at the end of the day. If you prefer to keep track in your head, make sure you erase the items you finished to clear them from your brain.
  • Take breaks. Your watch probably tells you to stand up every hour. If you do not follow those instructions, set a timer and walk away from your desk every two hours.
  • Take a lunch break. Walk outside. Eat lunch somewhere other than your desk.
  • At the end of the week congratulate yourself. Focus on what you accomplished rather than what you did not get to.

As time goes by, the habits you create to insulate you from fatigue and anxiety will pay off in big ways. Ultimately, you will find your are more productive when you do your best job of managing your task list.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Stuck in the Middle

From The Client Wisdom Blog by Mary Balistreri

When talking with my business development coaching clients, I find some people excel in making connections through networking and some people excel at hauling in a piece of business that is known and ready to close. The challenge for many comes from the middle portion. The struggle is how to keep a relationship moving forward to its conclusion and turning the talk into clients.

The marathon nature of developing business relies on the ability to keep moving despite the exhaustion and, sometimes, boredom of slogging toward the finish. Where is the finish line? It seems to stealthily creep away when you are in the middle of the run. The sooner you build business development stamina, the more resilient you will be when you feel stuck in the middle.

Keep moving! The most important thing to do is to keep moving. Remember, it takes 8-10 meaningful touches and 8 months to three years to bring in a new client. Check out the tips below for ways to maintain your momentum and finish strong.

Tips:

  • Adjust your mindset every morning with positive statements. What you think creates your world each day. Every morning, be intentional about what you will accomplish that day. Choose your message. “I will reach out to a potential client today.” “During the meeting with my current client, I will ask them about their newest challenges.” “I will follow up with on the challenges I discussed with my prospect at yesterday’s meeting.”
  • Make a list of the bus dev actions you will take. At the start or end of the week, make a list of actions you will take to move a relationship forward. Hang the list next to your computer so that when the time comes to act on the list, it is nearby and you can jump right in.
  • Talk about business. Clients get frustrated about the lack of business from relationships they are developing. We often discover together that when they are meeting for coffee, lunch, or a zoom call, the discussion is about personal things and not about business. Each time you connect with a prospective client, be sure you talk about business. This is how you discover their needs. Open-ended questions like, “What is challenging you now,” and “What are the goals for your business unit this year,” open the door to understanding how your business can help their business.
  • Remember to talk about your business, too. People love to talk about themselves, and after you listen to them, make sure to take some time for your business. Tell them what kind of trends you see in work you do which might apply to their business.
  • Act on opportunities immediately. A prospect mentions at the end of a coffee meeting that they would love to work with you. Act immediately to continue the conversation. Even if the cadence of your meetings is quarterly, this is a sign the prospect is ready to move forward. A possible response is, “I am happy to hear that. I would love to work with you, too. Let’s talk about what we need to do to make it happen.”
  • Adjust your goals. When your goal is focused only on bringing in a new piece of work, you may disappoint yourself and lose your momentum. Adjust your goals to smaller landmarks. I suggest clients create reasonable goals for each meeting with a prospect. For example, after meeting someone at at networking event, the first goal is to schedule a meeting to get to know each other. After achieving that goal, the goal for the meeting may be to discover whether there is an opportunity with this prospect. And so on.
  • Reward yourself. Create a reward system for yourself to match the size of the goals achieved. What is the right reward for you? Maybe you eat a piece of quality chocolate when you finish your follow up; you take a Friday afternoon off after you have submitted a proposal to a prospect; and you treat yourself to new shoes or a fancy dinner once a contract for work is signed. Acknowledging your progress in bits adds to the resiliency you are developing.

Start now and build your resiliency to increase your business development stamina. Get unstuck from the middle.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Lessons from My Sister

My sister, Ann, passed away on February 18. In reflecting on her life, I realized she was true to herself. She lived authentically; something we are all trying to do and talking about doing these days.

Her death reflected her life. All of the elements of her personality shone through during those last few days.

She was dramatic. As the photo captures so well, Ann loved drama. It could be argued she also created drama or that drama found its way to her. She had an abundance of stories to tell about adventures including wild places, exotic characters, and strange happenings. Her last few days on earth, in keeping with who she was to her core, were very dramatic. The hospital stay had many ups and downs entwining hopes for a recovery with uncertainty until revealing her stay on earth was ending.

She got to yell at someone. Ann was a yeller, declaring this tendency to be very Sicilian and taking pride in it. She had big opinions and told people what to do; often speaking very abruptly and loudly. It made her happy. At her deathbed, she grabbed the opportunity to yell at a few family members to learn to get along with each other. “You love each other! It’s not worth it (to fight). Get along!” she cried. Forming the words was difficult in her condition, and she found a way.

She defined many moments of her life with music. Music filled the background of Ann’s days and nights. She listened continually and I believe it numbed her pain by offering a safe place for her mind to seek relief for her body. On her deathbed, she chose songs to play at the funeral. “Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles occupies space at the top of the list. We played it for her several times while she drifted in and out of consciousness.

She was creative. Ann was gifted with great creativity combined with a process-oriented mind. I was in awe of her ability to take a few pieces of broken artificial Christmas tree limbs and magically turn them into wreaths that could have come from a high-end catalog. Her description to Harry & David in a complaint letter about the less-than-perfect peaches she purchased made your mouth water craving the perfection she knew from the fruit. In death, she vividly described everything and everyone she saw in the in-between world she was experiencing. ” I see pink, and blue swirls. I see sparkles,” she described. She told us she saw a loved one who passed a few years ago and she was cooking.

She spoke her mind. If you regularly flamed visibly when embarrassed, you did not go out in public with my sister. She said what came to mind in every situation. The upside was you always knew what she thought. In death, she told us several times, after waking from a turn surfing in the in-between world, “I’m not dead yet! I’m not dead!” All of us reassured her that we knew she was alive.

She was spooky. My sister saw ghosts, encountered the mischievous doings of poltergeists, and was very interested in the mystical magic elements of our Sicilian heritage. My husband, Steve, is also a bit spooky. Her only words to him were, “I’ll talk to you later” meaning after her death. I have no doubt she will keep her word.

She loved enormously. Love was a four-letter word to Ann both positive and negative, filled with enormous happiness, great sadness, betrayal, disappointment, soaring bliss. Love was the most important part of life. Upon seeing one of our nieces at her deathbed, pure bliss spread across her face. “Is it my Aimee? My little Aimee?,” she said over and over again. Her primary message for everyone was a simple, “I love you.” She shouted it into the phone for friends who called. She spoke it loudly at times and softly at times to those who gathered in her hospital room. And, finally, she spoke it with her eyes as she looked up at us with recognition at the very end.

Often during my life, I would get caught up in the woulds and shoulds. Should I do this or what would happen if I did that. Ann’s advice to me remained consistent. “Do what you want,” she said, “And don’t worry about it.”

She was right. I am the happiest when I am being myself. I also worry less when I direct my own destiny rather than worrying about what other people will think of me. That was the key to her longevity.

She was completely, authentically, gloriously Ann to the end.

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Pick Me! Pick Me!

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Do you tend to raise your hand whether you are called on or not? Do you love jumping up to take on a new challenge? Does your enthusiasm seep into conversations, because you have so much to say?

In our last blog, we talked about those who tend not to raise their hands: the people who need to be called on to share their thoughts. Some of you responded that the blog spoke to you. Some of you at the opposite end of the spectrum raised your hands to say you were hand raisers. Today, let’s talk about you.

First, congratulations to all of you hand raisers. The world needs you to keep things moving. Your voice, like all voices, is important. However, just as in the case of the non-hand raisers, you may be missing out and creating situations where others are missing out on the value you can bring.

What do I mean by that? You may be thinking, “If I tend to tell people what I think, share my ideas, and volunteer for positions, how can others miss hearing my voice?” Here’s how:

  • Burnout. Often volunteering for too many things leads to not having enough time to accomplish things well. People who are over extended may peter out and stop showing up. Or it becomes hard to be present, because there are so many more things to accomplish. Others miss out on the value you can really bring because you are only half committed.
  • People stop listening. If one person is constantly speaking and giving their opinion, others stop listening. When people stop listening, they make assumptions about the messages. They may miss the substance of what is being said.
  • Others stifle their own ideas. The non-hand raisers in particular hold their ideas closer and often refrain from speaking up. There may be no space for them to insert an idea. The hand raisers miss the benefits of other points of view. Ultimately, it is counter to innovation, because an echo chamber is created. Only one source of opinion is heard.
  • You may not be saying what you think you are saying. Many people think out loud. This is a trait of extroverts. Extroverts problem solve while they are talking. As a result, those listening may check out and not stick with the thought process through to the end. So, the final resolution is lost.

What is the solution for hand raiser to make a bigger, better impact on the world? Here are some thoughts:

  • Continue to volunteer. Whether you raise your hand for a position or to add to a discussion, keep doing that and be more mindful of how you do it and when.
  • Pause. Take a step back to consider the situation before you jump up and raise your hand. If you are considering taking on a new project or new job, sit down with a notebook and write down the pros and cons. Why are you volunteering? How does it impact your goals for the year? How much time will it take, and do you have empty spaces in your calendar that you can give up?
  • Pause 2.0. If you are in a conversation and want to share your thoughts on a subject, pause before speaking. Write down your thoughts if you are in a meeting. This pause gives you time to think the subject through and finesse your idea. The end result will be a more succinct idea and a higher likelihood that others will listen.
  • Listen more than you talk. I know this can be difficult when you have so many ideas and so much to say. The more you listen the more you will realize the value of the amazing thoughts of other people – especially those non-hand raisers. Often, this group of people think deeply before they speak. They bring new life to problem-solving and share imaginative resolutions.

Remember, every voice is important. Use your voice. It’s your power. And, make space to hear the voices of others, too. There is greater power in diversity.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Use Your Voice. It’s Your Power.

When you were a child in school, did you raise your hand when you knew the answer to the teacher’s question? Did you volunteer to erase the chalkboard or to be the hall monitor? Or, were you the kind of kid who only talked in class if you were called on? Did you like the attention or dread it?

All of those reactions during childhood can carry over to adulthood. My clients seem to be at the extremes. Either they always raise their hands or they will not raise them without someone – a leader or peer – calling them to do so. Today’s blog is about the reluctant ones. When they hesitate to enter the ring, they miss out on opportunities to better their lives. They also deprive others from the opportunity to hear their unspoken ideas and experience their leadership styles.

It seems every week I have a client who is “thinking about throwing my hat in the ring” for a promotion, leadership position, or piece of new work. What is holding them back?

Here are a few of the obstacles this group encounters.

  • Often, these individuals are uncertain about their own skillset. They want to be 98% sure they have the experience and qualifications for the job. What if they make a mistake?
  • Some of my clients expect to be asked to take on a new role or manage a new client. They believe that if those in power believed they were the right choice, someone would offer them the opportunity.
  • And, some are resistant to change or risk adverse. Keeping things the same is the safest route.

Why is this important? Because every voice matters. Behind each voice and thought lives the power of that person.

A few thoughts:

  • It’s ok to make mistakes. Everyone does it. Mistakes create opportunities to learn, and offer chances for your humanity to shine through. It can be reassuring to those around you when you admit you are not a superhero.
  • If you do not advocate for your own abilities, who will? It is a nice thought to believe others will see something in you and offer you opportunities. The truth is, people are busy. You need to tell them what you can do and tell them what you want.
  • Silence is agreement. If you do not speak up, the assumption is that you are not interested or you agree with a decision. The only way for people to know what you think is to tell them.
  • Yes, there is comfort in things remaining the same. It is predictable. And while the sameness may not bring you joy, you know what to expect. Move yourself forward by stepping a toe into the water of change.
  • Stretch yourself. Growth comes from learning new things, ideas, and activities. When you try, you find out more about yourself: what you are really good at doing, and, sometimes, what is harder for you.
  • Finally, give the people around you the gift of yourself, your thoughts, your skills.

Did this article resonate with you? Are you someone who more easily raises your hand? We will talk about the group who volunteers next time on The Client Wisdom Blog.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Embracing Your Type at Work

My husband gifted me this mug for Christmas which brazenly states People Person. The cup made me think about my joy in seeing this phrase nowadays. I am a people person. I am proud to see it, and I embrace that part of me now, but this is a new thing for me.

When I entered the corporate world more than 25 years ago, I learned being a people person was not viewed well. I hated the words other professionals used to describe me, like:

  • “She’s so bubbly, a real people person!”
  • “What a social butterfly.”
  • ” Mary is always jovial.”
  • “She’s so nice. Always smiling.”

I did not want those words attached to me. To me, the connotation was a people person was friendly, but of little substance. It drew a picture in my mind of someone who is fun but not competent with business issues. Someone who is not a good candidate for leadership.

So, I tried to change myself and others’ perception of me as much as possible by being very serious and using phrases like “I think” rather than “I feel.” During conversations, I would steer the subject toward factual information rather than listening to what my gut had to say. I even came very close to showing up as a Thinker in the Meyers Briggs Type Indicator for a nanosecond. People would say to me, “you must be a Feeler in Meyers Briggs,” and I would respond, “Yes, but my Thinker/Feeler score is actually very close.”

What changed? Why do I embrace my Feeler/People Person label now?

When I work with clients, I see many of them dealing with similar struggles. In a recent training, a participant indicated they came up as a certain “type”, but they did not believe it fit their true personality. Some clients tell me directly they do not want to be a certain type. I noticed that each type of person, from thinker to doer to ideator to feeler, wants to be seen differently.

I decided to follow my own advice; the advice I give to clients.

Steps to Embracing Who You Are:

  • First, realize that no matter how you show up on an assessment, you decide who you are and who you want to be.
  • Next, think about how you act and react in a variety of situations. Each person is a little bit of every type. There are times when the label is spot on and times when you behave differently. Make note of those times. Write it in your journal if you have one.
  • Now, recognize that each type of person brings value to the table. Spend some time thinking about what you bring. Write it down.
  • Then, beyond assessments and type, there is the unique value that each individual brings to a situation. Consider yours.
  • Finally, embrace who you are. What are some ways you can incorporate your unique value into your work and your life?

For me, the change came through all of these steps, paying attention to the behaviors of other leaders, and listening to my clients resolve their struggles. I changed my own thinking about my type. Being a people person is a critical leadership skill. Empathy, openness to new ideas, and understanding cultural differences are all strengths of good leaders. The result? I am proud to be a people person.

What about you? How do you use your strengths and talents at work?

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Ending the Year: Trace the Connections

As the year winds down, I am filled with gratitude. I awoke early on Sunday after a peaceful, beautiful sleep, filled to the top with gratitude. My reflections focused on the year and quickly turned to my life. The common factor in my gratitude is the people. Each stage of my life introduced me to new groups of people who taught me, laughed with me and cried with me. Not all of them stuck around, some moved through, but they each left a mark.

In reflection, I notice my life as an intricate network. The connections fire up with light as they are made and glow sometimes to get my attention. When something really great happens in your life, can you trace it back to the origin?

How did I get here? It’s a question asked by The Talking Heads and often a reflection tool for me. How did I get that awesome gig that will keep me busy in 2023? As I follow the trail, I realize many people supported me as I wove through my life. As I work through the connections that led to the business, my gratitude for each of those people along the way grows.

I have had a wonderful life. Full of struggles, heartache, joy, perseverance, grief – all of the ups and downs. Mostly, I have had a life full of wonderful people.

Try this reflection as we end 2022:

  • Grab a notebook, your favorite notebook, and a pen.
  • Pour yourself a cup of your favorite beverage and relax in your favorite spot.
  • Make a list of the times you felt successful in 2022.
  • Choose three or four of those successes and trace back how they came about.
  • If you were responsible for reaching out to make something happen, write down the people you encountered once you reached out.
  • If you cannot think of times you felt successful in 2022, think about times you felt supported. Who is the first person you call when you need to talk?
  • If you feel you have not been supported, please reach out to someone.

Be grateful and share your gratitude with someone else.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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A Sign? A Miracle? Roses in Winter

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

There are roses blooming in my home office! The story behind it is one of a last-ditch effort to save my rosebushes by digging them out of their cozy location in the back yard and bringing them into the house in pots. A risky maneuver, but I hoped for the best.

Four of them grew healthy leaves all summer, and zero roses. Not even the hint of a bud, which is rare for them. And two of them also had beautiful leaves and no flowers last year. There are a multitude of reasons for this happening, weather being a major possibility. Yet, other roses in my neighborhood were flourishing during the same time period.

I have been growing roses for nearly 20 years. I have dealt with beetles, moldy leaves, weeds that tie themselves around the roots, and, the grossest of all, white flies. But this year, I had no success with my non-bloomers. I was afraid the flowering part of them had given up.

When I first dug them up, my hope was they would live through the winter in pots in the house, and I could replant them in the yard after checking the soil and making sure every facet of their needs would be fulfilled. Then, I would hope some more.

After about five weeks in the house, every bush is blooming. Some have multiple blooms. It’s a miracle! That was my first thought.

It’s a sign! I journaled about this thought. A sign meaning what? After spending some time looking inward, I realized it was a sign that I am doing the right things. Self trust. Trusting my instincts with the roses led to a beautiful, wonder-inspiring result.

The thought, and the roses, assured me I am doing the right things in other aspects of my life. The blooms are a reminder for me to trust myself, my experience, my wisdom. I need to be patient. More rewards are on their way.

What have you noticed? Do you believe in signs and miracles? What occurrences lead you to trust yourself?

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com for more information about coaching and professional development services.

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Be Intentional: Bring Your Personal Drive to Your Professional Life

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At this time of year, nonprofit organizations ask us to #GiveFirst, meaning, to think about the needs of the community and offer support before jumping into the excesses of the holidays.

Which organization or need draws your attention? Does your drive to support nonprofits have a place in your professional world? I believe it does. Your brand is who you are as much as it is what you do as a professional. And, clients want to know who you are before doing business with you.

Finding commonality creates a bond, sometimes before you meet someone. The simple action of revealing what drives you can lead to stronger relationships. Through my clients, I have discovered that there is a personal story behind which organizations they support. Their mother had breast cancer. They survived and witnessed domestic abuse as a child. Their child has type 1 diabetes.

How do you incorporate the organizations you support into your brand with humility? The fear I hear from clients is they do not want to appear to be bragging. The key to this is consistency.

  • Be intentional. If you lead with your personal beliefs, values, and passions, you will find the organizations you want to support. Pick one or two and dive in deeply. Show up for them. Go to their events. Find ways that fit with your ability to make a commitment.
  • Use social media frequently. Share the social media posts of organizations you support. Do this frequently. If you only share information on the designated days of the year, it may get lost in the rest of the holiday noise.
  • Serve on a board. Clients with whom I work are asked to serve on boards for organizations frequently. The subject is a common one of discussion in both the business and leadership coaching spaces. While being a director on a board offers business advantages, it also gives the opportunity to support causes. Bottom line: Match your passion with the organization.
  • Participate in or hold a fund raiser. Many of my clients have ideas for how to raise awareness through their network by participating in a fund raiser. It may be most effective when the idea for the event comes from them and they take charge of making it happen.
  • Include the organization in your bio. As a professional, you send out your bio frequently to business people who are interested in working with you. Including nonprofits to which you are committed in your bio helps the organization and it helps you establish your brand. Often it warms up a relationship because those reading your bio may have similar interests.

What ways do you promote nonprofit organizations? I would love to hear about them. If you are interested in talking with me about this subject, schedule a free consultation using this link.

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com for more information about coaching and professional development services.

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Looking for Blind Spots Is An Active Pursuit

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How often do you look at the back of your head? ( Video credit to FullCircle MKE and Elegante Luxury Event Venue. Thank you to Brandy Riley of Riley Design Studio for dancing with me.)

Recently, I attended an event and was exposed to a machine that takes a 360 degree video of anyone willing to stand on a rotating pedestal for a few seconds. My friend, Brandy Riley, stood there with me and we danced together. When I looked at the video, I noticed several things:

  • Brandy turned her head and her body toward the camera. I had not thought to do that.
  • The back of my head did not look that great. I need new conditioner!
  • I was not as present in the moment as I could have been.

What was I thinking? I learned so much about myself from this brief encounter. I have to share it with you!

First, we all need to actively look for our blind spots. This idea comes through daily when working with clients on mindset. Every week during a coaching call or time intentionally blocked off on the calendar, clients focus on thinking about their actions and reactions. This is one way to identify patterns that might be harmful to your success and to those around you.

If we do not recognize our blind spots, ask for feedback or take a leadership assessment. The next time I have a haircut, I will ask my stylist about the back of my head. Should I use a different conditioner or shampoo? Likewise, I advise clients to ask their colleagues and customers for feedback. The best way to improve is to understand what areas need to be improved. Another way to find blind spots is to take a leadership or personality assessment. Most coaches utilize an assortment of assessments that help individuals and teams identify areas for improvement.

Take a look behind and learn from the past. Several of my clients spend a few minutes at the end of each day thinking about things they did well, where they can improve, and how they want to show up the following day. This journaling exercise has helped many of my clients, because it quickly becomes a habit that keeps their goals in front of them every day. For others, looking back at the year in order to celebrate successes, learn from challenges, and plan for the future is enough.

Finally, be fully present. In the video above, I went with the flow and did not think about the best way to show up. Many of us get caught up thinking about what we will do or say next rather than experiencing the moment. I wish I had been more aware. The video might have been better, but then I would not have learned so much from it.

Get in the habit of looking behind you and in front of you. It is important to first be present in the moment and then to recognize blind spots and learn from the past.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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2023 Plan: Set Goals & Steps

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This post is an update to the one I ran last year. The principles still apply. Now is the time to start planning for 2023.

Take a look at Acknowledge 2021 before starting this activity. That post discussed the necessity to revisit the successes and challenges of the year before starting to plan for the next one. That acknowledgement exercise creates the tone for 2023 and makes creating the plan for the new year easier.

Revisiting your plans and aspirations is imperative to growth. Even with a three- or five-year plan, new experiences create new ideas, opportunities, and challenges to consider before moving into the new year. When I work with clients, we revisit their plans regularly in order to adjust to changes in their thought process or environment. Annually, we enjoy the beauty of shedding the challenges of the past and creating a fresh, improved path.

There is a critical link between planning and success. As you work through the steps below, remember to look back at the notes you took during the ACKNOWLEDGE exercise.

Grab your notebook and let’s get started!

  1. What are you trying to achieve in 2023? This is the overarching goal for the year. When you look back at your plan in December 2023, what success do you hope to see? Write it down.
  2. Create ways to measure your success – SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time-driven) goals. Write them down and keep them in a place where you can see them every day.
  3. Create an action plan based on the SMART goals. What actions will move you toward success?
  4. Execute and evaluate. Throughout the year, execute on the plan, and take the time to evaluate along the way. What needs to change as the result of the new information your actions bring?
  5. Succeed. You can if you execute on the plan.

Reach out to me if you need support putting your plan into writing and then executing on the plan.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Build Trust. Talk About Money

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Transparency is one of the pillars of trust. Trust builds relationships. So, why do so many businesses avoid real talk about money?

  • You see it in job postings. Many times no salary is listed. Can the company provide a salary range? This simple action cuts copious amounts of time from your process. Overqualified candidates know not to apply. Candidates are aware of parameters of the job. And, you do not have to scramble after making an offer to someone who rejects it based on the financial reality of the situation.
  • You experience it in B2B. The web site of a consultant or professional you want to hire for a project has no prices listed. You participate in the initial sales call, and when you ask how much it costs, the answer is, “it depends.” It depends on how many employees you have. It depends, it depends, it depends.
  • Those selling services will often ask a prospective client, “What is your budget?” Many times, the conversation goes back to the example above. “Never mind my budget, what does it cost?”

Why is there so much hedging when business people talk about money? In one word, the reason is TRUST – lack of trust. Trust has not been built in the relationship yet. Each party is afraid that the other party will get the upper hand. So, they both hedge their bets and waste time in a back-and-forth negotiation that can seem never-ending.

In my work both selling my services and supporting clients who are building their businesses, I have found that offering transparence about money saves time, builds trust, and shows people what the working relationship will be like. It is a reflection of the business and the brand of the business.

What does transparency about money look like?

  • In a job posting, the potential employer lists the salary range. When a fantastic client interviews for the position, they say, “I really appreciated that you list the salary range. My salary expectations are near the top of the range, but I applied because I want to work in a place where there is transparency.”
  • In a B2B situation, when asking for the cost of a project, the vendor will say, “Our usual rate for a project like this is $X. That is a starting point for us. If it works within your budget, let’s flesh out the details and I will give you a final number.”
  • For the person selling services, when asking for the company’s budget, it may sound like, “It would be great if you could give me a range for how you budgeted this project. That way, I can tailor my services to your budget.”

In all of these cases, transparency about what things might cost leads to better conversations that are focused on the specific job. The relationship begins in a more trusting space, because someone who is honest about money will be honest about other things. Finally, it saves time, and time is money.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Self-care for You

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Sunday I was preparing to watch the first football game of the season. My ritual around the Packers games (I am from Wisconsin) is to plan everything I will do during the game. What will I drink? What will I eat? During half-time, I will make soup or chili. I have all that free time to paint my nails, moisturize my face, get on the floor and do some exercises, make my to-do list for the week. It becomes a wonderful, scheduled time for my self-care.

Obviously, I am a planner. I love to plan and then cross the items off my list. Not everyone is a planner. And, that’s ok.

When talking with clients about finding time to relax and take care of themselves, I find that the definition of self-care varies greatly from one person to the next. Some take great joy in the impromptu. A client recently told me he loves to find an afternoon with no deadlines, and take the time off. The adventure of deciding in the moment is greatly satisfying for him.

Some clients’ self-care revolves around exercise. They feel so good when they run, take a yoga class, go for a walk, etc. They are committed to taking care of their bodies, and the exercise provides an opportunity to clear their head and minimize stress.

During COVID especially, many people realized that connecting with other people was vital to their self-care. Friends and colleagues made a habit of meeting via zoom, calling each other, or texting regularly to stay connected.

What does self-care look like for you? If you have not thought about it, ask yourself these questions:

  • What relaxes you?
  • When is your heart rate lower? For some of us, this is so easy to discover because our fitness watch tells us.
  • When do you feel happiest?
  • Where and when do you feel most like yourself?

Answers from clients range from being with my kids to cuddling with my pets to reading a book. The important thing is to discover what self-care looks like for you, and add more of it to your life.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Notice Me! Did You See That Opportunity Run By?

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Scenario: You are having lunch with a prospect. You met two years ago at a trade conference and continued to stay in touch. You understand their job responsibilities, and you think they understand how your services help businesses. When the check comes, you offer to pay and your acquaintance says, “Thank you so much. I would really love to work with you. Our business is changing.”

Possible responses:

  • Some will see this as a green light and dive in to continue the conversation.
  • Some may be distracted by paying the bill and thinking of their next meeting. They may miss the opportunity completely.
  • Some may be pressed for time and will suggest to talk again in a few weeks.
  • Some will believe the prospect is just being nice and is not serious about working together.

The scenario is very real and something my clients discuss with me regularly. How do you know if the opportunity is real? Each situation is as different as the person seated across from you at lunch. The most important realization made by my clients is to respond swiftly. The only way to know, is to ask.

Why would someone not ask? Often our mindset gets in the way. As noted in the last example above, some people close their minds to opportunity. It is a self-defeating habit. Others allow distractions to block them from the opportunity. Their heads are so full with everything that needs to be done next, they are not fully present during the lunch or any part of life. Finally, some are too concerned about what to say next to really listen to the other person.

Here are some ways to respond:

  • Before the lunch, set your focus. Breathe or meditate for a minute in the car or while you are walking to the lunch meeting. Remind yourself to listen, listen, listen.
  • During the lunch, make sure you create space for your contact to speak. Ask open-ended questions, and wait for the answers. If you feel like you are talking too much, you probably are.
  • When the phrase, “I would really love to work with you,” is said, follow up quickly and appropriately.
    • First, acknowledge what they said. “Thank you. I really want to work with you too.”
    • If you are out of time and have a meeting to attend, ask to speak on the phone later that day or the next. “I have another meeting in a few minutes, and I want to hear how your business is changing. Can we talk later today or tomorrow?” Then take out your calendar and book the time.
    • If you have more time acknowledge the statement, then ask if your prospect has more time. “I would love to hear more about how your business is changing and how I can help you. Can you stay awhile and talk about it?
  • If you missed the line during the lunch meeting and remembered it after you got back to the office, follow up right away. Call or email them. “I apologize for running out so quickly, I really want to work with you, too. Let’s schedule some time to talk about how your business is changing. Do you have time tomorrow?”

Leaving an opportunity hanging out there for too long may cause it to evaporate completely. How long is too long? It depends on the person who wants to work with you. Ask them.

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com for more information about coaching and professional development services.

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Collaborative Competitors

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My favorite part of watching the American Ninja Warrior (ANW) competition on television is the attitude. From the contestants to the commentators to the families, everyone cheers for everyone. The attitude is centered in abundant thinking: if one does well, we all do well. If one falls, there is abundant support for them to rise back up. There is always the next obstacle, the next year of competition, the next competitor. (If you have never seen it, it is on NBC).

A recent segment highlighted the relationship of two extremely accomplished competitors who are well known to those who follow the show. The two had started training together, and each wondered what they could possibly teach the other. Their level of mutual admiration was very high. Yet, the one who had more experience with the sport, noted that the other displayed a better strategy or technique for certain obstacles. That individual admired the stamina of the other and learned from him how to save energy. They mutually learned from each other, and the result was that each placed higher in the competition than they had before they spent the time to train together.

The story made me think about relationships at work and in business. What attitude do we take when a friend is promoted? Are we really in competition with a colleague? Do we feel like we are all on the same team? Would we have more success in developing business if we worked together, learned from each other, and shared in the results?

What makes collaboration with competitors work?

  1. Individual mindset. Each individual needs to start with a mindset that is open to learning.
  2. Self-confidence. Individuals need to be confident in what they know and what they don’t know.
  3. Trust. Trust must be present so that each has no fear of showing their weaknesses. The competitors on ANW fail very publicly by falling off the equipment. Some failure in business situations can also be very public. When trust is present, it is easier to admit to errors and brainstorm about how to do better next time.
  4. Listening. Listening is an art. It is important to give equal time to each other so that both parties hear new ideas.
  5. Determining the common goal. Ask each other how collaboration can be mutually beneficial.
  6. Trying new approaches. Not every approach will work, and collaboration often combines the old with the new.
  7. Practicing and tweaking for better performance. Practice is vital in every field. Practice makes for better preparation and execution.

If you are not sure what I am talking about, watch American Ninja Warriors.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Set the OOO

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Many of my clients take pride in how much they work, how hard they work, and how dedicated they are to their careers. In fact, they choose to show that dedication by never setting the OOO – out of office message on their emails and voice mails. Their reasoning is that they want to send a message to clients, prospective clients, and team members that they are available 24/7 to handle every crisis that might occur.

How often does a crisis actually occur? What kinds of emails, calls, and messages do my clients actually receive when they are on vacation? Do my clients only respond to the messages that are urgent, or do they reply to everything? These are questions that only the individual can answer. I have had a number of conversations on this subject matter and found that most people feel they are never fully away from their work.

Looking as if you are never away from work creates an image that can create dangerous practices. How far is the leap to actually never spending time away from work? The danger comes from projecting an image that is impossible to maintain and ignoring signs of fatigue and burnout.

While clients and team members do want immediate attention during a crisis, they also want to know the people who serve them. Developing strong relationships with your customers and team includes being human and making space for others to be human too.

Never setting your out of office message is a form of communication. You may be sending some unintentional messages, such as:

  • Everything is important to you.
  • You do not have a team capable of filling your shoes when you are out.
  • Team members may believe you do not trust them.
  • You do not have boundaries.
  • Your work is your life.

Equally important, setting the OOO can be used to send positive messages and build relationships.

  • You value your health.
  • Your team is outstanding and can be trusted.
  • You know the difference between urgent, important, and routine.
  • You are a fully-rounded person with a life outside of work.

Finally, using OOO can present opportunities to promote charities that are important to you and to show support for people who are important to you. For example,

  • I am out of the office today volunteering for ____. I will return your message tomorrow. If this is urgent, please contact _____ who is handling my workload today.
  • I am enjoying the week with my family. I will be back ____. In the meantime, feel free to reach out to the people below who are covering my work.
  • I am spending today with a client. Etc.

Planning your out of office time is as important as planning your day in the office. What messages do you want to send? What image do you want to project? Think it through, and then enjoy the time away being fully present no matter where you are.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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How Much Is Too Much? Everything in Moderation

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My grandfather seemed old to me from the very beginning. With age comes wisdom, we were taught. I was an observant child who spent more time listening to grown ups than talking to them, and I remembered much of what he said. There were a few bites of wisdom my grandfather imparted to me each time I saw him. One piece of advice that rings true continuously for me is, “Everything in moderation.” He considered moderation the key to all things in life.

As a little girl, my vantage point standing at the foot of the patriarch’s recliner focused on his forearms and white whiskers. He would move those forearms up and down while he talked. “Don’t smoke too much. Don’t drink too much. Don’t work too much,” Grandpa would say in his quiet, raspy voice.

When I meet with clients, I notice increasingly how the fast pace of life and the infinite number of choices we have derail even the most disciplined people. Clients often say, “I am doing too much. I cannot take on another thing. I do not know where to spend my time.” They ask, “Which of these activities should I keep and which ones should I dump?”

The situation makes me think of my grandpa. He would smoke his pipe only on the weekend. He never ate too much, and enjoyed a variety of food. His answer to my client’s question would be something like do what works for you, just do not be extreme in how often you do it.

When clients feel overwhelmed and trapped by all of their choices, it’s time to step back to evaluate. Working with me in a coaching session, we develop a process to determine the value of each action and how it relates to achieving the client’s specific goal. Then we co-create a better plan for moving forward.

The fastest path to achieving a goal may be multiple paths. Especially if several activities are bringing success. The answer to decreasing the stress is often a matter of scaling back rather than eliminating.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, try this. Sit down with a notebook and take the time to assess.

  • Make a quick chart with the headings: Activity, Time Spent, Results, Notes.
  • Fill in each portion of the chart. Activities could be board meetings, prospects for new business, events sponsored by organizations you joined, and so on.
  • Results should be tangible results like “Increased revenues by $X” or “Learned new skill.”
  • The notes column is the place to write how you feel about the activity. This is an opportunity to get to the root of what is overwhelming you. Sometimes, it is not the time you spend doing something that wears you out. It’s the activity itself.
  • When you finish the chart, write your goal above the headings in bigger letters.
  • Then leave it alone for a day or two. Your mind will work on the solutions while you are mowing the lawn or taking a shower.
  • When you come back to the chart, examine it with fresh eyes. Where can you scale back the time you spend on some of the activities? Which activities are not advancing you toward your goal? It’s ok to cut some of those.

Ultimately, the goal of the exercise is to do what works for you in moderation. My grandfather lived to be 95. Take his advice.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Evaluating Needs: It’s Personal

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For every business, there comes a time to pause and evaluate. Success can be tricky. Once you achieve your goals, do you run by them and continue continuing? Or do you stop and celebrate, and then continue doing what you did to bring the success?

Once you achieve those goals, please celebrate! Then grab your paper, journal, favorite pen, and comfortable chair. Ask yourself “what’s next?” for you and your business? Clients tell me this is the most dangerous place to be. They fear scaling their business means they will lose their lifestyle, because all the new work requires working more hours. It does not have to be that way.

One of the scary things about becoming successful is you need to evaluate, strategize, and delegate. If you bring in more work, it does not mean you have to work more. It means you have to learn to trust, plan, build a team, and trust the team and the plan.

Easier said than done. What you need for yourself, your business, your team, and your life is not necessarily the same as the things your colleague down the hall or in your business group may need.

I coach a number of emerging and established business people in professional services and nonprofit organizations. As we work together, they learn that the habit of taking a break to reflect, consider, and examine their success leads them to the answers to “what’s next?” for them.

Some of the answers include:

  • Expanding the team to include pricing expertise, executive assistants, or social media experts. In other words, adding people. In some cases these people work with new clients, and sometimes they perform administrative tasks.
  • Purchasing items to streamline the operation. This can include software like CRM (Client Relationship Management) systems, and items particular to the business like computers, machinery, etc.
  • Finding new space in which to operate whether you need a co-working space for sometimes, new real estate to open additional locations, or new facilities.
  • Learning a new skillset. Some clients find that in order to increase business, they need to learn a new skill such as professional development to increase leadership skills or earning a certification specific to their field so they can offer more services to their clients.

The key to the solution is that it solves your particular problem. Take some time this weekend to reflect and write it down.

To learn more about this contact, reach out to MBT More Business Today at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Building Trust: The Essential Factor in Relationships, Leadership, and Business

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Now that I am an empty nester, my pets are my children. My husband and I stayed overnight away from home last week and placed our dogs with a boarder. Each day apart from them, I anxiously looked for news of my babies, Storm and Snow. The boarder sent us an email with photos, and placed pictures on their social media page, too.

The picture of my pups attached to this blog shows their happiness. They love staying over at the kennel, playing with other dogs, and having their own adventure. Venturing out this way even lessens the separation anxiety of my herding dog, Storm. As a herder, she feels responsible for the entire family (the herd) when she is at home. She needs to know what we are doing every moment. Since COVID and working at home became the thing, she leads me to the bathroom every morning and to my desk and computer. Then she can rest on the floor next to me, knowing where I am. In short, staying without us is a vacation for the dogs, too. And, it is a vacation away from us AND the dogs, for our cats.

After collecting information from us, they used the information to provide the service we needed. They kept their promises.

The Client Wisdom Blog

I was thinking about this after picking up the dogs. It made me wonder, “what would it take for employees to come home at the end of a workday excited, smiling, and happy?” How did our kennel create so much trust with our dogs and with us, that we feel happy and comfortable with them? What do leaders need to do to create that environment for their team? And, how can we create that happiness for our clients and customers?

The answer is they know how to build trust. Trust is the key component in relationships. And, as I firmly believe, relationships are the critical ingredient in good leadership and successful business.

Here is what they did:

  • First, they understand their industry and their clients’ needs. They provide a system in their business that soothes their customers’ anxiety. They post photos of the dogs who stay with them on social media every day. When a new customer visits them, they talk about the social media pages.
  • Next, they ask about the clients’ specific needs. On their web site portal, there is ample opportunity to supply information about the quirks and needs of the dogs. They also ask clients how often they want to be contacted while the dogs stay overnight and the best way to send updates.
  • The next step is essential to building trust. After collecting information from us, they used the information to provide the service we needed. They kept their promises.
  • Our experience was the same with each person we encountered in their organization. That means they hired people thoughtfully and trained them well on how to create the client experience that is the company’s brand. The staff clearly understands the expectations and delivers positive interactions.
  • They built a welcoming community. Through email notifications, social media, and good communication with their employees, they tell clients about events, discounts, specials, and changes in the hours of operation.
  • Finally, they were responsive.

We can all apply this strategy to building trust in our relationships.

For more information, contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com

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Acknowledge Grief in Yourself and Others

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Recently, I woke up feeling depleted. I spend a good deal of time listening to clients and creating a safe space for conversation. Many expressed an array of emotions in response to the headlines all of us experience each day. Anger, sadness, hopelessness, fatigue, disbelief – all can be related to grief.

One of the greatest learning of 2021 for me, number two on the list found in the Client Wisdom Lessons in Action blog, is to acknowledge grief in yourself and others. While working with clients, I remind them to take a step back or away in order to allow themselves to heal. This advice is not an everyday occurrence, and is available when it is needed. I needed my own advice on Friday.

The question rose in my mind, what do I do now? How do I acknowledge the grief?

Conversation with myself, the mindful business coach

While working with one of my clients, we chuckled over the realization that it is often easier to help someone else than it is to apply the information to yourself. We noticed how, when good leadership exists, the top leader models the behavior to those who report to them. Those leaders model the behavior for their direct reports, and so on. It creates the ripple effect of great leadership that leads to belonging.

Here are some steps I took:

  • First, acknowledge emotions. Early in the week I acknowledged the grief my clients were experiencing. I said, “That sounds like you are describing grief. What would you call your feelings?” I acknowledged that I was grieving. I told myself, “It feels like I’m grieving. I need to work on this.”
  • Identify where the emotions show up in the body. For me, I feel tightness in my chest; then my shoulders ache with tension.
  • Find an outlet for the feelings. I used a meditation and visualization I learned recently. I also journaled about the feelings.
  • Rest. I took a nap.
  • Get in touch with nature. I sat outside with my dogs and cats and enjoyed the fragrance of my lilacs and the warmth of the sun.
  • Connect with others. I joined a grief circle. I also phoned friends and relatives to check in with them and talk about our feelings.

How do you acknowledge grief and emotions?

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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I Am the Chipped Plate

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

The original title for this post was Embrace Imperfection. Strive for Excellence. It was going to be about changing perspectives. The idea started with the discovery of our wedding china.

I am at the stage in my life where I realize I have too much stuff. While looking through the items stored away in the attic, basement, and every hiding place in the house; I came upon a box holding our wedding china. Years ago, when I hurriedly packed up the old set, I could only see flaws.

One of the dinner plates had a noticeable chip on the edge. We never bought a full set before the pattern was discontinued, so we never will. We have four place settings – dinner plate, salad plate, dessert plate, coffee cup and saucer- and a platter. I remember feeling embarrassed by the chip in one plate and the lack of bowls.

Now, many years later, I was overcome with sentimentality for the set when I recovered it from the box in the basement. I remembered picking out the pattern with my soon to be husband. We were very daring in choosing a black, art deco pattern. Those were my thoughts nearly 25 years ago. I love the china now and would be proud to use the set when friends visit for dinner.

I was so proud of my changed perspective. I thought, “I will write a blog about embracing imperfection. We need to change our perspective and embrace our flaws. If we are not striving to be perfect, then how do we succeed? Excellence is the answer. We need to let go of perfection and embrace striving for excellence.”

I had let go of perfection years ago, or so I thought. Several very smart thought leaders tell us that once we believe we have conquered our flaws, there is inevitably more work to do.

When I am very excited or on a deadline for a project, I can become a steamroller. I get very bossy. This is a flaw I thought I had confronted and harnessed. Like the chipped plate, I had just tucked it away.

I gave into false urgency yesterday and turned into a bossy steamroller. The biggest problem with this behavior is that I flatten people without realizing it in the moment. In retrospect, I discerned I lost my self-awareness and hurt a friend’s feelings.

While I tossed and turned unable to sleep last night, I had an epiphany: I AM THE CHIPPED PLATE. Rediscovering this chip in my personality did not bring back positive memories. No warm sentimentality emerged from this chip. As a very wise friend often says, “Everywhere you go, there you are.” Now what? Wallowing in self-disgust is not productive and does not repair the hurt I caused.

In this case, what does embracing imperfection mean? I could shrug and think, “Well, that’s just me.” That is not right. Embracing imperfection does not mean I get a free pass. It does mean I have to accept my flaws (this is only one of many) and take responsibility for myself.

How do I strive for excellence while understanding that the chip will always be part of me? I came up with a few ideas.

  • Own the flaw by acknowledging it to myself. “I was wrong.”
  • Look for the triggers. I was very excited and had too much caffeine.
  • Take action to address the pain I caused. Apologize. “Friend, I know I was wrong, and I am sorry for hurting you.”
  • Try to do better.
  • Remember, it is a process. It is life.

How do you address your mistakes? I would love to hear your ideas.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Comparing Yourself to Others: Yes and No

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Followers of this blog may have noticed that I skipped last week. There was no blog published during the usual every two week time slot. It was intentional. I took a few days of vacation to enjoy our local film festival last week. The time off had been planned, and became more important to me because I celebrated a success. I achieved a goal, and enjoyed a break.

“Lessons In Action”, a recent blog post, describes the lessons I learned in 2021. This lesson is number seven, “Comparing yourself to others paralyzes action.”

Many of us spend a great deal of time in action. Action is good, unless you run past something that is important to you, your goals, and your growth. Many of us also spend a great deal of time comparing our progress towards our goals to the progress of others. This can become a habit that is dangerous to your progress.

When I work with clients at MBT More Business Today, I first ask them about their aspirations. Beyond today or a few months from now, what do they aspire to achieve in work and in life? During these conversations, many clients articulate their goals in terms of the achievements of role models. This is a fun process! Clients will often combine bits and pieces of the people they admire while fleshing out the entirety of their aspiration. Focusing on the attributes and accomplishments of others in this way is a good and healthy practice.

However, things can go astray when clients feel unworthy because they compared themselves to the progress of someone who seems to be more successful. Sometimes, clients become frozen. They express the feeling of hopelessness. They start to speak in terms such as, “I will never do it”, and, “I always do something wrong.” When the always and never reveal themselves, it is time to take a break.

In the opening paragraph, I mentioned I had achieved a goal. The days before, I was in the always and never space. It caused confusion for me. I was not sure what to do except sit with the confusion. Then, in the normal course of my life, a seed I had planted and watered sprung to life. I felt overcome with emotion the next day! I paused to feel the emotion and celebrate by embracing the few days of vacation I had already planned.

It made me think more deeply about comparison. Like most things in life, it can be beneficial and destructive. It is important to intentionally look for a balance.

Here are a few tips:

  • How do you feel after you compared yourself to someone? If you are motivated, it is probably a good thing. If you feel unworthy or stuck, take a pause.
  • Write down how you feel.
  • If you feel bad, concentrate on positive things. What went well for you the past week or month?
  • Take out your plan. Do any of your accomplishments match your goals?
  • If they do, pause to celebrate.
  • If they do not, think about the next action to take.
  • Remember, each action will take you closer to your goal.

How do you celebrate your achievements? Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Good or Memorable?

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My husband and I ventured out for a fancy dinner on my birthday. On the drive home, ranked the meal in our Top 10 of all the meals we have enjoyed in our 25 years together. What characteristics put this one in the Top 10?

We have enjoyed many memorable experiences through the years. The price tag of the meal does not guarantee a spot in our best meals list. Some of our most loved nights out happened during a quick bite at a chain restaurant. The date itself does not have to be a celebration. The temperament and humor of any guests who join us is most certainly a factor, but not the deciding factor.

The factor that joins our Top 10 together is the way the experience made us feel. The servers do not need to go above and beyond. The food does not have to be the best we ever tasted. The ambience does not need to be the height of elegance. We need to feel valued, respected, satisfied, and comfortable. When we feel all these things, the event will surpass the category of a good night out to become a memorable experience.

The clients, customers, vendors, and employees of a business will also decide whether they enjoy working with the organization based how the experience made them feel. Maya Angelou famously said, ” ‘I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

As a business owner or leader, how do you know what impact you are making? Do your employees and team members feel like they belong? Do your clients feel valued? And, what about you? Are you happy and satisfied as a business owner or leader of a business?

Based on our recent experience, here are some tips to answer the questions above:

  • Check in with clients and staff regularly throughout a project. “Is everything to your satisfaction?” is a question our servers and hosts asked us often, but not too often.
  • Deliver on time. All our food was the right temperature and arrived right when we needed it.
  • Provide the best possible deliverable or product you can create. Each course arrived at our table delighting our senses – sight, smell, taste, and texture.
  • Watch for signs that needs are not being met and anticipate new needs. Our servers would look in on us to gauge our needs, filling our water glasses without interrupting the flow of our conversation and asking for feedback with each course. In business, stay in touch with client needs by asking questions and listening to the response. Discuss future goals with everyone who touches your business – clients, employees, vendors, etc.
  • Ask for feedback. Our servers asked, “What did you enjoy most?” and “What else can we do to make this experience the best it can be?”
  • Finally, check in with yourself once in awhile. What made you feel valued this week? What needs to happen to make you happier or more satisfied?

By creating a sense of belonging in your business, you will deliver a memorable experience.

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com for more information about coaching and professional development services.

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Reset and Re-Center

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People are tired, flustered, in need of break. Clients expressed these feelings in February and March. Many judged themselves, because they took breaks from work at the end of 2021, and felt worn out again after just one month of the new year. The feelings echoed one of the lessons I learned from 2021 – Lesson 6. Take A Walk Outside.

While brainstorming around this challenge during a recent mastermind for business women, one of the participants suggested we go outside and hug a tree. She chuckled at the idea, and told a story about how the one action helped her to reset and re-center herself.

When I work with clients, we discuss a variety of ways to take a moment to stop the constant action of daily life and think. I had never actually hugged a tree. I gave it a try.

What did I feel? Silly. I was worried at first that my neighbors would see me out there. What would they think of me? It was 24 degrees outside. I shook it off, shaking my arms and my head, and tried again. After a minute or two, I laid my head against the bark. I felt lighter. Slowly my limbs relaxed and my mind emptied. Wow!

When I returned to the house, my thoughts were of Spring. I saw myself sitting outside in my garden surrounded by roses, hostas, lillies, and lilacs. I smelled the beautiful peace of existing outside and watching the birds. Ahhh.

It worked! Here are a few additional suggestions.

  • Obey your smart watch and breathe deeply for one minute.
  • Take a walk outside.
  • Download a meditation app and spend 10 minutes per week using it.
  • Journal for a half hour.
  • Write down your accomplishments for the month.
  • Go for a run or exercise.

How do you reset? Feel free to share in the comments below.

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com for more information about coaching and professional development services.

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Business, Leadership & Understanding

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Our last blog focused on the need everyone has to tell their story and to be heard. This is universal. Listening to another person, whether to build a client relationship or to build a team, is a key skillset that rewards you with greater success. Listening to yourself is also key to understanding the needs of your team and your clients. Finding the hidden thought processes that keep you from realizing your potential is essential to your success.

When MBT More Business Today opened at the end of 2020, I categorized our services into three buckets: coaching, professional development training, and DEIB (Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging). The lessons from 2021 revealed that DEIB is not a separate service, it is part of all the services. As a friend said to me at a recent networking event, “Inclusive leadership and business is not a separate thing. Inclusion is business!”

She was right. As I pondered the future of MBT, I decided our brand as The Mindful Business Coach is Building Belonging into Business.

Clients who seek out are services are looking for ways to succeed while staying true to their own values and needs. My clients needs to feel comfortable with how they interact with their clients, their prospects for business, and the teams they lead.

Think about this. The first step in running a business is to look inward. What do you have to offer that is of value to a customer? How do you want to conduct your business? What is important to you? What do you value?

The next step is to look outward. Who are your customers? What do your customers need to succeed? How does your offering meet their needs? Who do you need as a business owner or leader to service those needs?

When you ask yourself these questions, you create a circle of understanding. Understanding the people, including yourself, who contribute to the circle creates the arcs that connect the pieces.

There are a multitude of ways to gather the information that leads to understanding. Here are a few suggestions to try:

  1. Listen to yourself and to others.
  2. Read.
  3. Meditate.
  4. Research.
  5. Talk to people.
  6. Ask questions.

How do you learn and understand? Feel free to comment below.

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com for more information about coaching and professional development services.

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Everyone Needs To Tell Their Story and To Be Heard

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Several years ago for Valentine’s Day, my husband Steve gifted us with the mugs you see pictured. Before I could become insulted, he explained that I was “weirdo” and he was “weirdest”. When we first met, we bonded over the fact that neither of us belonged. In fact, when a mutual friend introduced us, she told me, “You will really like this guy. He is weird, but really cool.”

My entire life I found myself in the interesting position of having friends from all different groups while not belonging to any of them fully. In high school, it played out with the stereotypes: brains, jocks, pot heads, theatre groupies, and the popular kids. I also had friends in a religious retreat group for the Catholic Archdiocese. I ran that group for two years, but I never felt like I belonged.

My husband has his own story, but by the time we met each other, we had both concluded we were weird. I worked in corporate America and found success, so my husband deemed me a little less weird than him.

While coaching individuals several years ago, I learned the concept of being in the wrong room. Sometimes the goals and aspirations of an individual do not match those imposed on them by their job or an organization they joined. When agreeing to serve on a board, I would advise my clients to make sure their values and mission align with those of the organization.

“Maybe I am just in the wrong room. That is why I don’t fit in here,” some of my clients remarked. Some of them even suggested that I myself was in the wrong room. They saw the efforts I made to create change, and the frustration in my reaction when I was unsuccessful.

The idea impacted me, and I shifted my thought process to look for the right room. I believe in equality for each person to live and grow freely to reach their potential. My quest for the right room included a deep immersion into learning about our country’s true history of slavery, colonialism, white supremacist structures, racial equity, gender equity, the treatment of indigenous people, and a better understanding of the inequities affecting the LGBTQ+ community. The more I met people who were focused on equality and justice, the more comfortable I became with myself.

I am in the right room now. I discovered that I am not weird. I am me. Steve has discovered the same. He is not weirdest. He is Steve.

The more I listened to people during 2021, whether we were talking about social justice or leadership or business, the more I discovered the great need of each person to tell their story. As a coach, I was prepared to ask questions and wait for a response. Sometimes the magic happens in those moments of silence during which individuals are connecting their past to their present.

How can each of us take this lesson from 2021 – each person needs to tell their story and to be heard – and turn it into action? Here are a few ideas:

  1. Before making a conclusion about someone’s comments or behavior, take a moment to be curious. Ask them, “I am curious, what is going on with you?”
  2. Spend time each week thinking about your own life. What were you taught as a child? How does your childhood impact your view of life, leadership, and business?
  3. Sit down with a friend or colleague and ask them to tell you their story using the same questions listed in action 2 above. Then listen.

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Lessons in Action

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Readers and subscribers may have noticed there were no new Client Wisdom blog posts since the end of 2021. These two months of 2022 bounced into action, and I deliberately carved out my writing time to think and reflect. I wanted to be mindful in my approach to the blog.

In 2021, my clients taught me and learned from me. Each lesson rippled through my mind spreading to create greater reflection and broader awareness. Learning and listening became the themes of 2021.

We all have watched the effects of a drop of water in a pool of liquid. We have heard the analogies many times. The ripple effect describes my 2021. Each new thought, idea, and lesson propelled me forward in an incredible journey of self-discovery, using my listening skills to better understand people, learning and absorbing stories of individual and cultural hurt and trauma, and clearing away the brush to create new pathways.

Reflection and action are my focus in 2022 and for the Client Wisdom blog.

Here is a partial list of the lessons I learned. Each blog post will focus on one and end with action for us all to take. If you are interested in reading more, please subscribe.

  1. Everyone needs to tell their story and be heard.
  2. Acknowledge grief in yourself and others.
  3. Optimism is transformative.
  4. Detours can be good.
  5. Bravery is all around.
  6. Take a walk outside.
  7. Comparing yourself to others paralyzes action.
  8. One baby step, one bite of the elephant at a time.
  9. Everything in moderation.
  10. Rejuvenate.

I would love to hear what all of you subscribers learned in 2021. Feel free to comment or send me an email.

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Archives

Please note that posts from 2021 are archived below. Expect a new Client Wisdom blog post tomorrow, February 24, 2022.

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2022 Plan: Set Goals & Steps

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Two weeks ago, we took out a notebook and acknowledged 2021. That exercise creates the tone for 2022 and makes creating the plan for the new year easier. If you missed it, take a look at Acknowledge 2021 before starting this activity.

Revisiting your plans and aspirations is imperative to growth. Even with a three- or five-year plan, new experiences creates new ideas, opportunities, and challenges to consider before moving into the new year. When I work with clients, we revisit their plans regularly in order to adjust to changes in their thought process or environment. Annually, we enjoy the beauty of shedding the challenges of the past and creating a fresh, improved path.

There is a critical link between planning and success. As you work through the steps below, remember to look back at the notes you took during the ACKNOWLEDGE exercise.

Grab your notebook and let’s get started!

  1. What are you trying to achieve in 2022? This is the overarching goal for the year. When you look back at your plan in December 2022, what success do you hope to see? Write it down.
  2. Create ways to measure your success – SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time-driven) goals. Write them down and keep them in a place where you can see them every day.
  3. Create an action plan based on the SMART goals. What actions will move you toward success?
  4. Execute and evaluate. Throughout the year, execute on the plan, and take the time to evaluate along the way. What needs to change as the result of the new information your actions bring?
  5. Succeed. You can if you execute on the plan.

Reach out to me if you need support putting your plan into writing and then executing on the plan.

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Acknowledge 2021

crop man holding glass ball against forest trees
Photo by Rahul Pandit on Pexels.com

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Before sitting down with the blank page to plan for 2022, take the time to acknowledge 2021. The triumphant moves, the losses, and the strategies that produced lukewarm results.

Here is what you will need.

  • A notebook, a journal or laptop.
  • Your favorite pen.
  • A favorite spot for thinking and planning.
  • Your financial spreadsheet, calendar, daily journal. Grab anything you use to keep track of your activity and results.
  • Your “me” folder. The “me” folder is a collection of thank you notes  and compliments you receive from others. This could be a virtual folder or a physical one. If you do not have one yet, start one in 2022.
  • Time. This activity can be done all at once (give yourself a few hours) or over a few days.

Consider the following prompts and take notes after each one. The notes will help you write up your plan for 2022. You can sift through them and decide what strategies or activities  you will  keep and which to dump.

  • Assess: Overall, what kind of year was 2021? Think of one or two words or themes that come to mind.
  • Celebrate: What wins or successes come to mind? How did you measure that success?
  • Kick back and enjoy the positives. Give yourself the space to congratulate yourself. Tell someone about it.
  • Evaluate Needs: How do you feel about your successes? Did you fulfill your needs as you articulated them in your previous plan? Were you on the right path for yourself and your business? What went unfulfilled in 2021?
  • Be Open to different ways to evaluate yourself. If you categorized something as a failure, is there a positive way to reframe it? Did you achieve the most important goals? Some of the activities you had no time for may be part of the 2022 action plan.
  • Weed through the year to find clarity. Were you distracted by anything in 2021? If you veered onto a new path, did it fulfill a need? Think about how much action you can execute in a given year. Did you do too much or too little in 2021?
  • What did you Learn.? Some of the greatest ideas come after a perceived failure or a big success. Create a list of the most important things you learned in 2021.
  • Determine your strengths. Looking at 2021, which strengths did you use the most? Which strengths did not get a chance to shine? Did you discover a new strength or develop a new skillset?
  • Generate a list of the obstacles that came between you and the execution of your plan. This will help you create strategies to overcome or avoid the challenges in 2022 that blocked your progress in 2021.
  • Empathy: Finally, have empathy for yourself. Acknowledge that you did your best in 2021.

In two weeks, we will talk about starting anew and writing the 2022 plan.

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com or schedule a free consultation using Calendly.

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Self-care at Work

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We talk about self-care as something we stop our work, whether at home or at the office, to do. We pause to meditate, have a glass of wine, buy ourselves a gift, or exercise. What if self-care at work was about the balance of giving and receiving?

I was a client working with my own coach last week. During our discussion of self- care, I was sharing all of the things I did and needed to do. I tend to be a giver. Not surprising, because most coaches find satisfaction in helping, supporting, and guiding other people toward success. The realization during my coaching session was that balancing giving and receiving in my work is self-care.

Rather than stopping my day to give myself the gift of a quiet pause or a treat, what if I let myself receive from others? I pondered this for more than a minute. What could I receive from others?

In my case, I realized I was spending time working on things for others (not clients) rather than working on the activities I needed to accomplish to develop more business for my company. Specifically, I procrastinated on the tasks of asking my connections to introduce me to people in their network. A colleague had invited me to look at her connections and ask for introductions that would be valuable to me. What was I waiting for?

After some self-examination, I realized I am more comfortable helping other people than I am asking for help. I can stop and eat a bag of chocolates to congratulate myself for accomplishing my work, but that is not self-care. What I need is to ask for the help that was offered to build my business.

What does self-care look like for you in your workplace? Pull out your journal and favorite pen, and answer these questions.

  • Do you tend to give more to others at work? Or do you receive more frequently?
  • Are you more comfortable giving or receiving? Why?
  • Looking at a standard day for you, what is missing?
  • Are there tasks you avoid completing? Which ones and why?
  • What would balance the day for you?

The answers to these questions will guide you to a solution. Balance is an important part of each person’s work life and home life.

For more information or to discuss this blog, reach out to Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com or schedule a free consultation through Calendly

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Abundant Thinking at Work

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We rise together. We grow as a team.  Insert a cliché – a rising tide lifts all boats; when one wins, we all win; two heads are better than one – and the meaning is the same. If we work together, we have a greater chance of succeeding. The question in business is, “what keeps us from working together?”

When working with clients at MBT, I hear one answer to the question, “Why don’t you work together on developing business?” The answer most often is, “Because we are in competition with each other.”

The structure within organizations often sets up a dynamic that pits individuals against each other. Healthy competition is a good thing and motivates people to perform. In less-healthy dynamics, competition creates favoritism, cliquey cultures, jealousy, and hopelessness.

The key to abundance is meeting limited circumstances with unlimited thoughts.

Marianne Williamson

Much has been written about employee engagement and what is important to employees. You may have heard:

  1. People need to understand their contribution to the business and know that their contribution is valued.
  2. People want to be part of a winning team.
  3. People want to understand and be energized by the values of the organization.

What limits your team members? Look at the three things that are needed to engage employees. Do any of those resonate with you, because you know it is a strength or an obstacle for your team?

To embrace abundant thinking, an individual must be ready to let go of the obstacles and limitations that stand in the way. For a team to think abundantly, all members of the team must be ready to let go of limitations. What obstacles prevent your team from thinking abundantly? Here are some examples: Team members will find it difficult to be a cheerleader for a colleague when they believe that person is constantly rewarded or acknowledged. If the “favored” individual seems to receive the best or most visible projects, others on the team may believe there is no reward for quiet, hard work.

Think about your team and answer these questions:

  1. Are there written descriptions of the roles of each team member and what it means to succeed in each job?
  2. Does every member of the team have access to the descriptions and full understanding of the impact they make as a member of the team?
  3. Do individuals acknowledge the success of others on the team?
  4. How does the leader acknowledge success?
  5. Do team members bring problems and ideas to the leader?
  6. Are there insiders and outsiders on your team? Why? What could the leader do differently to be more inclusive?

Now close your eyes and visualize a shift to abundance thinking with your team. What does that look like? Individuals cheering for each win regardless of who succeeded. The team finding ways to solve problems without being limited by what happened in the past. Collaboration among team members who are motivated at work. What does your abundant picture look like?

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Measuring Resilience: Individuals Hold the Power to Define and Improve the Team

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As a coach, I hear from the management of businesses that individuals need to work on their resilience. “They are not resilient!” leadership will say. They say this because it seems individuals “become disheartened easily” when pursuing work or because they “do not rebound quickly” from losing a client or making an error.

Let’s look at the wording used by the leadership. What is meant by “disheartened” to the leader making that observation versus what it means to the person who is observed? What does “quickly” mean to the organization versus what it means to an individual who is part of the team? Who decides what it means?  

It is critical to define these words so that everyone involved has the same understanding. After all, it is the individuals on the team who have the power to improve themselves. The measure for the improvement should be focused on how the individual was performing previously compared to how that person is performing now.

Therefore, if a number of team members improve, the team improves its performance. It raises the bar for everyone.

When the leader refers to “quickly”, is there a standard that has been communicated to the employee? If not, there should be. Quickly could mean one day to management and one week or one month to the employee. How does a person show that they are “disheartened”? This is another case where the leader’s assumption may not be the truth for the employee.

Here are a few tips for leaders to use when understanding how their team members can improve performance:

  1. Take a baseline measure. To meet your business goals, what does the team need from each person? As the leader, you set the boundaries. That is your baseline. Then look at the team members, what is their current baseline? If we are talking about recovering “quickly” from a setback, your expectation may be two days and the individual has shown it takes them two weeks.
  2. Communicate your expectations and listen to feedback. Once you determine what you are seeking, make sure that your team understands the boundaries. Explain what you expect of them.
  3. Consider altering your expectation based on the abilities of the team members. Listening to your team and adjusting the boundary shows strong leadership. It also builds trust.
  4. Discuss how to achieve the results you are looking for when the boundary is adjusted. As the leader, you are still responsible for the team’s performance. Collaborate with them regarding how to achieve goals.
  5. Ask. Do not assume. Have the tough conversations and ask people what they are thinking, feeling, and needing. It opens doors to stronger relationships.

One last thought, talk with your team about resilience. What does it mean to them? When did they experience it or witness it? What do they need to be resilient?

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com to discuss these concepts in greater detail.

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Self-Improvement Is Exciting AND Scary: What are you afraid of?

Photo credit: Copyright Dr. Seuss “What Was I Scared Of?”

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Some of my clients at MBT More Business Today inspire me with their fearlessness. They seem to crave feedback. They expect feedback to be brutal and approach it with a “bring it on” attitude. After digging deeper, they realize self-criticism shows up as a motivator to improve themselves. They have already told themselves the worst things they could imagine, so hearing criticism from others is actually easier to handle.

Other clients have the opposite reaction. They go silent. Rather than continuing to dive into our sessions, they disappear. Apologizing for disappearing follows and, usually very quickly, they follow through by canceling appointments or attempting to push off their coaching sessions until “things calm down” a bit.

In a previous blog, we talked about how to “Eat the Frog” every morning. Grabbing the one thing you do not want to do and executing that action item first, before addressing anything else, every day. The reason that practice works is because you finish the abhorred chore before anxiety, and ample time for worrying, makes it even harder to approach.

In this blog, we examine why you are afraid. Let’s discover what is beneath the attempt to take on the pain of criticism as noted in the first example or run away entirely as the second example suggests. Fight or flight are both defense mechanisms. They are natural and primal ways that human beings protect themselves. In the old, old days of primitive man, using a fight or flight strategy properly was essential to survival. In our world today, both our personal lives and the business world, these strategies may have served us well and helped us survive socially and in our careers.

One of my favorite stories as a child, and now as an adult, was Dr. Seuss’ “What Was I Scared Of?” I used to call it “Those awful green pants with nobody inside them story,” as a kid. I was afraid most of the time as a child. So, I was fascinated by the idea that those pale green pants were just as afraid of the narrator in the story as the narrator was of them! And, I was inspired by the fact that they became friends at the end. In the end, the narrator comforts the one who caused all that fear. To me, it is a picture of self-soothing and self-love. If you have not read it, pick up a copy.

Now, as an adult, think about how you respond to change? How do you respond to self-improvement? Is it scary to learn what others may think of you? Does the idea that you may not be perfect cause fear and anxiety? Do you avoid working to grow and change for the better? Or do you beat yourself up with negative thoughts about yourself so much, that you do not flinch when receiving negative criticism.

As usual, my first suggestion for clients, and for all of you reading this, is to pull out your favorite notebook and pen so that you can write a few things down. Once you are settled into a comfortable safe spot, think about your answers to the prompts below.

  1. What is your reaction to change and self-improvement? Fight or flight? Are you comfortable with change?
  2. Think about times you experienced intense personal growth. It could be when you were promoted to a position where you started managing people for the first time. Or it could be when you took on personal responsibilities in your home. Write down how you progressed from where you were to where the journey ended.
  3. What was the best thing about the journey? What was the hardest thing? How did you feel when it ended?
  4. What were the benefits of the journey?
  5. Now, what do you want to change today?

Give yourself some time to think about it, and have a great day!

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com for more information about coaching and professional development services.

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Beyond the Diversity Month: Now What?

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Did you know that September is Suicide Prevention month? Hispanic Heritage month started September 15? February is Black History month? October is National Disability Employment Awareness month?

Chances are you do know about the focus of various months throughout the year. The human resources department or diversity committee within your organization may write an article, host a panel, or offer a brown bag luncheon to raise awareness. Many thought leaders on social media will speak and write about the focus of the month and raise awareness.

As an inclusive leader, you may participate in these things to broaden your cultural intelligence and model the behavior of inclusivity to your team. You may share the information with your team and invite them to attend a webinar together.

My question is, now what? What happens when the focus months end? Do you go back to business as usual? Do you move on to the next focus?

First, I applaud all the inclusive leaders who broaden their understanding of people by reading the articles, attending the brown bag lunches, and listening to the panel discussions. These are the first steps to make toward understanding people who are different from you.

One of the keys to being an inclusive leader is making a commitment to being an inclusive leader. The commitment is first to yourself. You may even choose development of inclusivity in your leadership style as a personal goal.

The second commitment to make is to others: to individuals who are different from you and to your team. You have started by seeking to understand the members of your team. As you move forward with creating a diverse and inclusive team, the next step is to think about belonging. Do the diverse members of your team feel as if they belong?

I often hear from my clients, “People of color, and LGBTQ people and women, continue to leave our organization. We make strides with our diversity numbers, so I know we are doing a good job with recruiting. What else can we do?”

This week, rather than giving you a list of action steps, I am giving you a list of action questions.

Actively think about the following. That means schedule some time to think about the following. When you finish, spend some time asking your team members for their thoughts.

  1. What opportunities do you offer diverse individuals on your team?
  2. Who is assigned to projects that create the highest visibility in your organization?
  3. Who is missing from your team?
  4. When you are in a meeting, is there a diversity of people and ideas in attendance?
  5. When meeting with your team, does each person contribute?
  6. Is there equity in pay among team members?

If you are interested in learning more about making a commitment to being a diverse leader, attend the October 8 session of “The 6 Cs of Inclusive Leadership”. You can register here.

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Business & Leadership: It’s In Your Mind

From The Client Wisdom Blog Published by MBT More Business Today LLC

What does mindfulness mean to you? The first words that pop into my mind and those I have heard from clients are:

  • Awareness
  • Internal
  • Thoughtful
  • Careful
  • Balance

Now add the words business or leadership after the word mindful. Mindful business means to be thoughtful about what? Mindful leadership means to be aware of what?

Some leaders choose to be careful to bring awareness and inclusiveness to their teams. Some business people are mindful of how they balance building relationships with producing outstanding work product, and being careful to understand the company’s and the individual contacts’ needs.

Here is an exercise to help you define mindful, mindful business, and mindful leadership for yourself.

  1. Grab your favorite notebook and your favorite pen. My beautiful journal is etched in colorful flowers with a black background. I choose to write with a smooth, gel liquid pen that holds black ink. Think about the writing implements and surroundings that bring you peace and creativity. What will you choose?
  2. Now, what words come to mind for you when you think of mindful business and mindful leadership? There are some examples above. Which ring true for you or what else would you add to your list?
  3. Reflect on how these words influence your actions. Write out your thoughts until you feel you have finished. For some people, it could take five minutes. For some, it may take two hours. Do not worry about the time. It will take as long as you need it to take.
  4. Shelve your notes for one day. If it is helpful for you, put an appointment on the calendar for yourself to return to the exercise.
  5. The next day, read through your notes. Adjust them until they best reflect your thoughts and your commitment to your mindful business and leadership approach.
  6. Write down three things you will do, change, or stop doing to align with your commitment.

Remember, the power to be a successful business person and leader is in your own mind. You define the terms. You execute on the commitment you have made.

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Find the Win Win Win in Building Relationships

From Client Wisdom Blog published by MBT More Business TodAY LLC

More than once lately, I have opened my screen door at home and found a bag of bras tucked between it and the door. Each occurrence caused me to laugh out loud and say, “aw, how sweet,” to myself and no one else in particular. The cause is the bra drive I am running for the month of August to benefit all the organizations who receive the products from The Bra Recyclers. The people who leave the bras for me are friends and business contacts who also believe in helping women with this simple donation.

You may have heard, “you have to give to get,” in sales or in life. Some of my clients find that phrase insincere or even predatory. They strive to be authentic in everything they do whether at work or in their home life. Authenticity will shine through when you are giving because you care about the cause. People will react to how you behave and determine your intent from your actions.

One former client told me they grew numerous lasting client relationships by working with the clients to volunteer for non-profit organizations. “It’s a win win win!” the client said. “I get to spend more time with the client doing something I enjoy for a favorite cause. The client gets the extra help working at the food drive to benefit a cause that is important to them. While we are working on this project, we are building a stronger relationship by sharing something we have in common. And the food bank gets more volunteers gathering resources for them!”

Authenticity and commitment are vital to the success of this relationship building method. For my client in the example, they are passionate about helping people who experience food insecurity. Their passion for the cause is evident in how they behave. When they recruit additional volunteers, they say, “We are so excited about the number of organizations that are donating this year! We will be able to feed more families than ever. Want to be a part of it and help put together the packages?”

Someone who was not passionate about giving their time may say, “We have to be there at 9 a.m. On a Sunday! Do you think you can do it?” The “have to” tells you the volunteer is not excited. Maybe they should find a different cause to combine with building a client relationship.

This relationship-building technique works well in strengthening a team. Ask your team members about themselves. If they were to volunteer, where would they put their time? Gather consensus and take on a project that benefits a non-profit business together.

If you ask people why they are passionate about a specific cause, you will often find there is a personal connection. In the case above, it could be the enthusiastic person was homeless as a child. Someone may volunteer to raise money through the Alzheimers Walk, because a parent possesses the diagnosis. And, so on.

Here are some tips for adding this winning strategy to your relationship building plan:

  1. Think about your own life. What has impacted you? Is there a cause or organization that receives your support?
  2. Look at your calendar. How much time do you have each month to give to a volunteer effort?
  3. Look at your prospects and clients. Do you know which causes are important to them? If you do not know, ask them? Have they asked you to volunteer?
  4. Spend an hour or so determining where to spend your time. Is it possible to work side-by-side with a client? Co-chair a committee? Look for sponsors?
  5. Talk with a few prospects about how you can collaborate and help an organization.
  6. Decide where you will volunteer your time and how.
  7. Promote the project/organization/event through social media.
  8. Do it!

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How Your “Why” Impacts Your Business

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Those who follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram may have noticed that I am running a Bra Drive for the month of August. Basically, I am collecting bras, and, hopefully, inspiring others to do the same for The Bra Recyclers. Their mission focuses both on sustainability – eliminating some textiles that would otherwise wind up in landfills – and humanity – supplying women who are in transition from domestic violence and human trafficking with a basic item that is so important to their survival.

A friend asked me, “Why are you doing that?” meaning the bra drive. The answer for me was simple and automatic. Because I want to help Elaine Birks-Mitchell, CEO & CSO, and her company, which helps women who are transitioning from domestic violence and human trafficking. Obvious. What was less immediately obvious to me, is that having a bra drive fits in perfectly with the Why for my business. If you have not watched the Simon Sinek TED talk about the Why, here is the link, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qp0HIF3SfI4. This concept was transformational for me years ago when I first watched the talk, and it has been in my thoughts ever since.

Even my husband, Steve Thompson, who is a massage therapist and self-admittedly NOT a marketing or business guy said, “People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it.”

I am a coach. Coaches enjoy supporting people to find their individual path to success. As a coach, I support others in the search for their Why and how it co-exists with their business. For me, the simple question “why are you doing that?” led to the creation of my mission statement.

MBT More Business Today LLC is passionate about supporting individuals, teams, and businesses to reach their goals through thoughtful, mindful coaching and learning that is rooted in belonging, using the tools of Emotional Intelligence (IQ) and Conversational Intelligence (CIQ).

MBT Mission Statement

Many clients of mine have struggled with the balance between their passion and making money. The secret is, you can do both. If you have a “non-profit” heart, as one MBT client said of me, you can find ways to support people and also pay your bills. My business strategy is to gain 80% of my income from clients who are able to pay the full rates for my services, and 20% from non-profit businesses or those who work for non-profits. For them, I have a discounted rate. (To see a few of the packages I offer, please take a look at the page on my web site here). I also plan to work 10% of my time with individuals on a pro-bono basis. Not faulty math, I tend to give 110% at work. Truthfully, I have an Excel spreadsheet that maps out the hours I work and the types of clients so that I can meet my goals. I also create SMART (Specific Measurable Attainable Relative Time-driven) goals so that I know when I have succeeded.

How about you? If you are looking for how your Why impacts your business, take these steps.

  1. Take a few days to think about and keep track of what motivates you. Where is your passion? What is your Why?
  2. Once you are clear about your passion, ask yourself how your current work world fits into your vision of the Why. How does what you do follow from why you do it?
  3. Think about your brand as a mission statement. Take a look at the MBT More Business Today mission statement above for help. Write your own mission statement.
  4. What are your goals now and what actions do you need to take to achieve them?

If you still need help, why not donate a bra and take advantage of the $100 coupon? We can find a package that fits your needs. Just e-mail me at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com to discuss further. Remember, my mission is to help you!

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Follow Up & Follow Through

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If “80% of success in life is showing up,” as Woody Allen said, then the next move seals the deal.

Clients pose the question “what now?” after meeting someone at a networking event or having a meeting with a prospect. At this point during the coaching process, clients talk about what they learned from the people they met by using their EQ (Emotional Intelligence) and CIQ (Conversational Intelligence).

The illuminating pieces of information clients noticed during networking or a business meeting impresses me. “I could tell he was focused on relationships, because we talked about our families before talking about business,” one MBT client told me. Another said, “She was all business and told me to cut to the chase and tell her what results she could expect and in what timeframe.”

These bits of information guide clients toward making good decisions regarding how to follow up and follow through. Big kudos to these clients for understanding the individual so they can craft the next step and conversation. However, when I ask how much time has passed since the client spoke with their contact, the answer often is, “That conversation was great, but it was six weeks ago.”

A key differentiator for successful people is their commitment to following up. Business people are quite literally leaving relationships on the table by not following up in a timely way. What is timely? Within 24 to 48 hours. If more than five business days has passed, there needs to be a new look at how to reengage the contact. Follow up is a differentiator because most business people are not disciplined about doing it.

Here are some tips:

  • Before you attend a networking event or schedule a meeting with a business contact, determine your goal for meeting with them. What do you want to achieve? If you do not have a goal, don’t attend that networking event or schedule that meeting. Schedule something that moves you forward toward your goals.
  • If the meeting is one-on-one or with a few people, start an e-mail to them before you go to the meeting. Subject line could be: Thank you for your time today. When you get back to the computer, finish it with specific information to move the conversation and relationship forward.
  • If you are attending a networking event, create an e-mail that you can personalize later. “It was great to meet you at fill-in-the-blank event today. I wanted to follow up on our conversation about fill-in-the-blank.”
  • If you received a task that will take more than 24-48 hours, send the follow up acknowledging that. “I am putting together the information you requested and will have it by fill-in-the-date.”
  • Before you send any e-mails, or text messages, or LinkedIn messages, think about what you learned using your EQ and CIQ. What is the best way to communicate with this person? Craft the message using that information.

Most importantly, follow up and follow through!

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com for more information about coaching and professional development services.

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Bringing Home the Business: Formulas for Success

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

During a training session focused on developing business, a participant asked me to give them the specific steps that would lead from meeting a prospect to closing the sale. “We should not even have this training,” they said. “Just write us a list of what we are supposed to do, when to do it, and what questions to ask to land the work.”

Have you ever talked to a salesperson on the phone or in a meeting who was clearly reading from their reliable script of how to get you to buy? What was your reaction? If you are like most, you lose interest because it is all about them and what they are selling when the focus should be on you.

After coaching many clients regarding building business relationships, I have proof that there were many formulas for success. Individuals who succeed tend to focus on their strengths when pursuing business. Their strengths are different from the strengths of others, so their formula for success may seem different on the surface. The most successful ones also know that each potential client, individual contact, and organization has their own likes and dislikes. There are so many variables.

Here are examples of different formulas:

  • Learning what is important to the client and giving it to them.
  • Learning how the client likes to work with vendors and adapting your deliverables to their liking.
  • Learning what is hot in the client’s industry, and supplying information to them about the trends.
  • Asking the client questions about all of the above in order to be responsive to their needs.
  • Understanding the organizational structure and processes. The contact may want to buy the product or services, but; the timing is bad for the company, they are not the decision maker, there are complications they cannot discuss with you, etc.

I really described only one formula: A + L = D. Ask questions plus Listen and hear the answers equals Deliver the right environment to satisfy the clients needs, objectives, and trust level in order for them to buy from you.

People get caught up in the algorithms, because behavior should be predictable. Actually, the greatest highs and lowest lows happen with the unpredictable.

As one of my clients used to say, “It’s all fluid.”

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Capacity: How much – work, marketing, studying, networking, fill-in-the-blank – is enough?

Clients express worry and doubt over a number of different obstacles that disrupt their action plans. When building relationships with business prospects, the fear is they will bring in more work than they can handle. They will tell management that they are worried about capacity. The response from their manager is often, “That is a good problem to have. Just keep doing what you are doing and it will all work out.”

That kind of response often increases the anxiety and stress of the individuals and teams. It is a de-motivator.

Taking a mindful approach to business means understanding your capacity, that of your team, and of your organization. It is a process to learn to be both aspirational and practical in order to adjust the scale of the work you are doing appropriately.  The capacity grows and changes along with you.

The meaning of the word “capacity” may bring different connotations to people. Take a moment to define “capacity” for yourself. When you say, “I do not have the capacity”, or, “my team does not have the capacity,” what do you mean? Here are some examples of different meanings I have heard:

  • “Capacity means the amount of activities I can handle over a specific period of time. The literal time it will take.”
  • “For me, capacity means the number of different kinds of activities I can handle. The ability to wear different hats.”
  • “The mastery of a skill or mindset is what I mean when I say I don’t have the capacity. I feel out of my comfort zone or overwhelmed.”

Once you have determined what the root of your worry around capacity is, the next step is determining whether the obstacle is real or stems from an assumption you are making. Why are you reacting the way you are? Clients often realize they create overlays of assumptions that they add to situations because of past experiences. It is important to sift through that with your coach and decide whether there really is an obstacle.

If it passes the reality test, the next step is to plan. Scale or adjust the tasks in front of you with your vision for success. Take a look at the plan you wrote in order to make that comparison.

Then, ask yourself these questions:

  1. What do you need to overcome the obstacle?
  2. Are all of the activities and items that create the obstacle necessary for you to reach your goals?
  3. Which items can be removed?
  4. How robust is the team? Who can handle more to free up time for you and for others?
  5. Looking farther into the future, how can you plan to meet the obstacle? Do you need to hire? Do you need to train more people?
  6. If the obstacle is learning a skill, what plan can you make to tackle that one piece at a time?

Use a calendar to schedule smaller actions that move you closer to the goal. And remember to breathe.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Was it something you said? Learn the Language to Get and Keep the Business

After losing a pitch for business that seemed in the bag or winning one that seemed like a long shot, my clients often wonder what they did or said that made the difference. I encourage them to follow up and ask for feedback, and sometimes they get the answer. Why leave it to guesswork, though? Preparing for conversations – a business pitch should be a conversation – will help eliminate some of the guesswork and create a higher win rate.

“I wish you could be a fly on my shoulder during this pitch so you can tell me what to say and help me read the room,” MBT Client.

One of the ways I work with clients to prepare them for a business pitch or a meeting with a prospect is through role playing. No need to dress up in costume, but we do try out the voice of the prospect in order to best understand how they will respond. In order to be most productive, my client must spend some time getting to know the prospect and understanding what they need and how to deliver the service and the communication in the right way for the prospect.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

I learned from my training as a Conversational Intelligence (CIQ) Coach that Words Create Worlds. Each individual you meet brings with them their personal experience, cultural experience, work experience, and internal conversation to the conversation they are having with you. A simple word like “success” means different things to different people and to different organizations.

A leader within my client’s top management once said to me, “Why do you have to spend time discussing success with the people you coach? Don’t all of them just want to make more money?” The answer was no. Each person I coached to increase their business had their own picture of success. Money was a factor, if it had not been, they would have looked for a different kind of coach. However, it was seldom the only factor.

Likewise, a prospect for your business may have multiple reasons for contacting you and a plethora of unknown criteria for choosing to work or not work with you. That is why it is so important to learn about your prospect, their business, and their picture of success. Learn their language. In order to do that, you have to ask questions and listen.

Here are some tips:

  1. Ask open-ended questions. Instead of, “Does your business need my services?” Ask, “What experiences have you had with this area?”
  2. Listen. Are you listening to what someone said or thinking about what you will say next?
  3. Ask them what they mean by a word they use. Maybe it is as simple as, “I really need to achieve my goal.” Ask, “Tell me more about your goal.” Or “How are goals set in your organization?”
  4. Look for other signs of your prospect’s personality. Do they like to talk about their family? Are they always in a hurry? Do they need time to process information?
  5. Work with a coach to discuss your approach with the client before making a business pitch.
  6. Spend some time role playing the conversation.

Preparing for the conversation or meeting is more important than creating a powerpoint.

Contact Mary Balistreri at MBT to work on having better conversations by emailing mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com

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Eat the Frog, and Other Ways to Execute On Your Business Plan

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

A common obstacle many of the clients at MBT face is time or the perception of time. “There are not enough hours in my day to do business development!” Or, “How can I use my business development time most efficiently so I get the biggest ROI (Return on Investment)?” Clients share their thoughts about how time is an obstacle in many different ways.

But is time an obstacle? Or is it the perception of time and the perception of the value of an activity that creates the obstacle?

When I work with clients, we discover their strengths and what ways are best to capitalize on those strengths. Clients need to feel authentic while furthering business relationships and developing business contacts. They tell me that.

As we sort through the need for authenticity and the value of the bus dev activities, we realize that some activities may not be their favorites, and those actions are necessary to develop business. So, they must be accomplished.

Mark Twain said, “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.” My clients decide which bus dev activity they dislike the most, and plan to “eat the frog” first thing in the morning. Then, they can relax into the rest of their day and know they made some progress.

There are as many likes and dislikes of bus dev activities as there are different types of people. Here are some examples of the “frog” according to my clients:

  • Asking a friend to talk about business.
  • Attending a networking event.
  • Talking to a client about a new service they may need.
  • Asking for feedback.
  • Writing an article or a presentation.
  • Connecting with a new contact via LinkedIn.
  • Giving a price quote.

In some instances, eating the frog may mean setting up a meeting rather than completing the full activity. For example, a feedback session can be requested and scheduled first thing in the morning, and occur at a later date. At least the asking was completed!

What about you? What is your “frog”? You can drill down to find out by following these steps.

  1. Make two lists.
  2. On the first list, write down the times you are the happiest when developing business relationships.
  3. On the second list, write down when you are most uncomfortable developing those relationships.
  4. Look at your goals (see The Beauty of the Blank Notebook post). Which activities are essential to achieving your goals?
  5. Plan to execute on your plan in a way that creates balance for you.
  6. Execute.

Every day, Eat the frog.  (For example: Ask for Feedback.) Then reward yourself. (For example: Have coffee with a contact you enjoy.)

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Let’s Talk Business

from Client Wisdom Blog published by MBT More Business Today LLC

Let’s talk business next time we meet. What is your reaction to that statement? How do you feel when a contact says it to you, and how do you feel when you plan to say the same to one of your contacts?

Even when it is a question, “Can we talk business next time we meet?”, some of my clients hate asking that question. It is too “salesy” for them. Some clients are more comfortable forming relationships with contacts by getting to know them on a personal level. Others are more comfortable talking exclusively about business when meeting with potential and current clients. And, for some, their clients are their friends. They talk about everything.

All of these reactions are valid. Each client who engages me is an individual. Part of the coaching I do is to support clients in finding their authentic voice to use when developing business contacts and when developing their teams.

The key to having a business conversation and how to phrase the question is the personality of client or contact. Just as many of my clients have different reactions to “Let’s talk about business next time”, so do their potential clients.

As MBT clients plan for meetings with their contacts, we prepare by:

  1. Talking about the strength of the relationship. Is it solid or developing?
  2. Discussing what they learned about this person and their company? Are they open or conservative in divulging information.
  3. Most people love to talk about their jobs. Determining what approach is best when asking this person about their business.
  4. Then, we often role play the conversation. This gives the clients an opportunity to try out different questions to find the ones that are most comfortable and authentic to them.
  5. Finally, we develop a goal for the meeting. This is helpful in determining whether the meeting was a success. A goal could be as simple as learning more about the person’s business.

So the next time you want to talk about business with someone, think about:

  • How has someone asked you to talk about business? It could be an insurance person or your bank.
  • What did you like and dislike about those questions?
  • When are you most comfortable talking about business?
  • When does your contact seem to be most comfortable talking about business?
  • Then, decide how you will proceed.

Most importantly, do proceed! The only way to succeed is to take the risk and ask a question. If you do not ask, game over.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Overwhelmed By Advice

from Client Wisdom, a blog published by MBT More Business Today LLC

Once clients begin to explore the world of self-improvement, they often express feelings of anxiety and annoyance over the barrage of free advice offered on social media, and sometimes even in person from colleagues, friends, and family. Be mindful and meditate. Have empathy. Take this assessment or that one or the newest one. Which podcasts are the best? Or my favorite, just relax!

My clients bravely opened the door to learn more and improve themselves. Now that they are more open, they notice the plethora of new information and it sometimes makes them shut down. It can be a hindrance to their progress toward their goals.

What can they do to combat this onslaught? I suggest deciding two things:

  1. What offers the most value to move toward their goal in their current circumstances?
  2. Which improvements/ideas are most important and interesting to them?

That may sound obvious, but everyone needs a reminder now and then.

“Who am I and what am I  trying to do?”

MBT client

This is a good time to take out the goals, SMART goals, and action plans clients wrote out for themselves (see The Beauty of the Blank Notebook as a reminder). Or maybe they hung that plan right next to their computer so it is easy to find. 

If you are struggling with the avalanche of self-improvement ideas being shot at you daily, here are a few thoughts to ponder:

  1. Remember, you control your life.
  2. When determining where to concentrate your time, ask yourself:
    • How does this area of focus fit in with your goals?
    • What are the expectations at your job? Will the time spent here help with projects, relationships, and expectations at work? If everyone at work is reading a particular business book, you should read it, too. Likewise, what concepts are grabbing your clients interests? Do they coincide with your interests?
    • Will concentrating on the area you have selected also improve your life outside of work?
  3. How much of your time can you realistically spend keeping up with outside ideas while continuing to move yourself forward? If you are a person who is easily distracted, you may maintain your boundaries by scheduling time for outside reading and also for working on the area of self-improvement you have chosen. This practice will keep you on track.
  4. And, finally, give yourself a break! Work at your own speed and keep moving forward.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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How Climbing the Ladder of Conclusions Undermines Growth


During my training as a Conversational Intelligence (CIQ) Coach, I learned about the Ladder of Conclusions. I was very fortunate to study under the creator of the CIQ concept and The CreatingWe® Institute, directly, Judith E. Glaser.

Some conclusions become almost automatic fallback thoughts that hinder our development. Here are a few I hear from clients:

“I can’t follow up with that contact, because I already have too much work to do. What if they want to give me more work?”

“I must have done something wrong. I have not heard from that contact since they said they wanted to engage us.”

“I can’t reach out to that person because they did not respond to my e-mail of a few months ago. They clearly don’t like me, don’t want to talk to me, (fill in the blank).”

“I know my meeting with my team will not go well.”

During coaching, I discuss climbing up the ladder of conclusions and how to prepare your mindset to optimize conversations and the impact you make. Being mindful of your thoughts, reactions, and beliefs is the key to taking control of your impact on other people and on yourself.

If you look at the illustration of the ladder, you will see how quickly you can climb it to make an assumption or come to a conclusion. The ascent starts with bio-reactions and feelings that you may not be aware of. If you find yourself at a conclusion such as, “I know this conversation will not go well,” stop and retrace your steps. How did you come to that conclusion?: Did it start with an upset stomach? Were you feeling uneasy or anxious? By practicing self-awareness, you can impact those reactions and come to a different conclusion. “This conversation with my team may be difficult, but if I am open to their input, we could make some progress.”

Practice your awareness as you climb the Ladder of Conclusions (©Benchmark Communications, Inc. and The CreatingWE® Institute)

  • Step One: Bio-Reactions happen automatically and can be present without your awareness.
  • Step Two: Feelings. Pause and take stock. Your teeth are clenched, why? What are you feeling?
  • Step Three: Thoughts. After you named the feeling, what thoughts were automatic? Delve a little deeper before you reach Step Four. Can you redirect your thoughts? Can you replace a negative thought with a more positive one or something more cautionary like, “wait and see”?
  • Step Four: Beliefs. Without pausing to be more aware, your belief can follow quickly up the ladder to a conclusion that holds you back from succeeding. Can you use your thoughts to change your belief?
  • Step Five: Conclusions. Think about which trail you followed. The initial trail set in motion by a negative bio-reaction? Or were you able to change course to a more positive, less anxiety-inducing conclusion?

Self-management and controlling a climb up the Ladder of Conclusions takes practice. Take a look at the tasks, meetings, or people in your day. How can you impact the assumptions you draw that keep success at bay?

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com for more information.

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com for more information about coaching and professional development services.

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For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Silence, Listening, and Your Business

THE CLIENT WISDOM BLOG PUBLISHED BY MBT MORE BUSINESS TODAY LLC

Listening is an important skill to use thoughtfully to develop business. One of my clients is well loved by his clients. They trust him and he gives them everything possible to supply great work and the best client service. He often calls me to discuss a conversation that is coming up and tells me everything he plans to say to the client.

During the coaching session, I will remind him to stop talking long enough for his client to respond to what he is saying. Each time, it is a revelation for him. He is so caught up in his need to convey information, he forgets that the other person is part of the conversation. And that person is the one who is buying his services.

My client is grateful for the reminder to make a statement, and then create space for silence, to give the other person a chance to think and respond. He confirms with me that he is much more effective when he remembers to listen. He also learned to be more comfortable with silence. During the silence, his client has the opportunity to think about what was said.

Some individuals who are process-oriented need time to think and digest information. Some people are impatient to get to the next idea and are quick to respond. It is vital to make room for silence so any person you speak with has a chance to engage and be heard.

The impact for another one of my clients was a big win of new work. While I helped her prepare for a meeting with a possible new client – the second phase of an RFP (Request for Proposal) process – I reminded her to pause and take a breath after conveying information. She is a fast talker. She is uncomfortable with silence, and like many people talks to avoid any dead spots in a conversation. By taking that pause, she noted the potential client asked questions of her and the meeting was much more of a conversation. The impact was the development of a relationship and the trust to win her the work.

Here are a few steps you can take to insert a pause in your conversations and become more comfortable with silence.

  1. Prepare for conversations before you have them.
  2. Write down the major points you want to make during the conversation.
  3. After each point, write the word BREATHE or PAUSE to help you remember to create space.
  4. During the conversation, check yourself to be sure you are listening rather than planning your next statement.
  5. After the conversation, critique yourself: What did you do well? What would you like to improve?

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com for more information about coaching and professional development services.

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Focus: How to discover what you want

aerial photo of empty meandering road in between forest
Photo by Kelly Lacy on Pexels.com

“Serendipity is not a strategy.”

MBT client

A client of mine views each session as a question mark. When asked about her goal for the session, she shrugs and says, “Let’s just talk and see where it goes.” Other clients shrug when discussing their overall or long-term goals. They see a daily or annual goal easily, but find it difficult to articulate an ultimate goal and how to own it. As one client used to say, “Serendipity is not a strategy.”

For example, a sales executive may adopt the company’s goal for them as their own. The company wants them to hit the goal of $X that quarter. They may embrace the goal because the success is directly tied to their bonus or compensation. That is their motivation, and that is ok. However when asked about their personal path, they may shrug. They are thinking about what is in front of them now rather than what is possible for them.

During coaching sessions, I may say, “Tell me about your best days at work. What does that look like?”. Clients often express their frustrations and what causes them anxiety. That seems to be easier than identifying what they really want or how things could be different.

Understanding individual wants and needs helps clients grab control of their career. I often hear from clients, “I stayed too long in that position, but I was not sure what should come next,” or “No one offered me a different path, so I just kept doing what I was doing.”

I suggest taking a look at your life annually. Confirm you are on the right path for you, or adjust the path if you are frustrated or unhappy. Here is how to get started.

Ask yourself:

  1. When are you the happiest at work and in your life?
  2. How do you get more of that in your day?
  3. Visualize what needs to be different in order to have more of that happiness in your life?
  4. Write down your ultimate goal. Articulate what is possible in your life.
  5. Celebrate. If you are on the right path, stop and congratulate yourself! If you have identified changes to make, think about your next steps.

Think about what is possible for you!

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com for more information about coaching and professional development services.

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For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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The Beauty of the Blank Notebook

Taking time to plan and revisiting your plans and aspirations is imperative to growth. When I work with clients, we revisit their plans regularly in order to adjust to changes in their thought process or environment. Annually, we gain inspiration through the blankness of the new notebook page. The beauty of shedding the challenges of the past and creating a fresh path brings excitement and exhilaration.

In these times when we shed the old, my clients and I first take a moment to acknowledge the accomplishments of the past. For my clients, that can mean celebrating promotions, increased revenues, mastery of a new time management habit, and seeing the effects of a positive change.

There is power in writing it down and saying it out loud. As we discussed in the blog about Mindset – What You Tell Yourself, convincing yourself of your ability to achieve something is an important step in achievement.

My clients emphasize the critical link between planning and success. They are especially appreciative of working with me to articulate their overall goals and then to create SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time-driven) goals so they can measure success.

Listed below are the steps in the process.

  1. Determine the primary goal, objective or focus. What are you trying to achieve? Write it down.
  2. Create ways to measure your success – SMART goals. Write them down and keep them in a place where you can see them every day.
  3. Create an action plan based on the SMART goals. What actions will move you toward success?
  4. Execute and evaluate. Throughout the year, execute on the plan, and take the time to evaluate along the way. What needs to change as the result of the new information your actions bring?
  5. Succeed.

Looking forward to filling up the blank notebook!

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

Contact Mary Balistreri at mbtmorebusinesstodayllc@gmail.com for more information about coaching and professional development services.

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Manage Your Time. Execute Your Plan

Working with a business or leadership coach is much like working with a personal trainer, a client told me. One of the keys to your success in executing your leadership, business, or exercise plan is accountability. Who tells you that you missed an action item you promised to do?

Will you really do 20 squats, 20 push ups, and 20 burpees every morning if you do not have a personal coach who expects a full report from you each week? There are some super humans who can say yes. For most people though, the answer is no. The personal trainer will know by your muscle tone whether you executed your plan in the same way your business coach will know by the tone of your voice during your touch base meeting whether you attempted to make contact with your clients that week or solicited feedback from your team.

Following up and following through are critical to success. The bottom line is we all need someone or some way to stay accountable for our action items. We all need some help moving forward to reach our goals.

Having a plan and action items in place helps clients manage their time. They learn there is enough time to accomplish their action item. It is often a small step to move forward. As they complete step after step, they gain momentum and begin to roll rather than crawl toward their success.

Clients tell me that seeing a meeting with me on their calendar helps them both remember what they promised to do when we developed their plan and to actually do what they agreed to do. They feel accountable to me, but the plan is not for me. The plan is for them. The promises they made are to themselves. Ultimately, they decide whether to be committed to themselves.

Here are some additional ways to hold yourself accountable:

  • Find a buddy and schedule recurring meetings to touch base with each other.
  • Make lists and finish the tasks on the lists.
  • Give yourself deadlines and stick to them.
  • If you need help, talk to a coach.

For more information contact Mary Balistreri, The Mindful Business Coach at mary@mbtmorebusinesstodayllc.com

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Mindset – What You Tell Yourself

A client of mine was stuck on how to handle his working relationship with a good contact. He was afraid that reaching out with information about services he could offer would be inappropriate or bothersome. We analyzed the relationship on multiple occasions. There were no signs from the contact that indicated annoyance. The relationship was strong. We role played conversations searching for the right tone my client could take in asking for a meeting to discuss business. He still felt uncomfortable reaching out.

Suddenly, months later, he pushed himself to forget his excuses for not reaching out and he made the call. To his surprise, his contact was excited to talk to him about working together.

He realized his own thoughts were the only things that held him back from advancing the relationship forward. He had spent hours arguing with himself in a conversation where the other party had no voice. Unfair to himself and to his contact.

Think about the stories you tell yourself. Do they hold you back? Do they cheer you on? You can increase your chances of success by taking control of your mindset.

1. Start by writing out your thoughts in the morning. This helps take off the edge by getting thoughts and frustrations out of your head and onto the paper.

2. Next, write down your hopes for your day. What are the outcomes you want to achieve?

3. Finally, think about what you need to do to achieve those results.

Take the time to express your thoughts and guide your mind to work with you. Be your own ally.

For more information about how coaching can help you, contact Mary Balistreri at mbalistreri2@wi.rr.com